Category Archives: Random Rants

Everyday items like money to days of the week to common situations.

Getting a Check Instead of a Bill

I had to get a root canal a few months ago and my insurance only covered part of the bill, I had to pay the rest out of pocket. I can’t remember how much I had to pay, but it was around four hundred bucks. It wasn’t that bad, but it still put a little dent in my bank account. Life went on. Then I came home to a piece of mail from the endodontist (the guy that does root canals). My heart sank. I thought it was another bill. I sat down and mentally prepared myself for it. I took a breath, ripped open the envelope, and was beyond relieved to see that it wasn’t a bill. It was a check. To me. For seventeen dollars and ten cents. Getting a check instead of a bill is a great feeling. I went from being in debt to being seventeen dollars and ten cents richer in a matter of moments. I don’t know what I will spend my newfound wealth on, but I’m pretty sure it will involve alcohol or food. Hopefully both.

Critically Rated at 15/17

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Dollar Store

A dollar store is a store where everything costs a dollar or less. They are typically found in malls or in the dodgy part of downtown. Sometimes they are ninety-nine cents stores, sometimes they are dollar plus stores, but they are all basically the same. Most of the merchandise is off-brand or bought at closeout prices. You’ll find cans of food that shouldn’t be canned. You’ll find cheap toothbrushes that you’d be scared to put in your mouth. You’ll find obscure products from countries that don’t exist anymore. You’ll find candy that even your grandma would be ashamed to pass out on Halloween. But you’ll always find a bargain, and that’s why dollar stores exist in the first place.

Critically Rated at 10/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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That Particular View

I was just outside on my balcony smoking a joint and thinking stoney thoughts. It dawned on me as I gazed at all the lights that I was the only one in the city with that particular view. And I realized that every window is special, every vista point is unique. Nobody else sees the city the same way you do. Nobody else will ever see the world through your eyes. That particular view is only for you and you alone. What do you see?

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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The Personalities in Every Group of Friends

It seems like every group of friends has the same stereotypes. It doesn’t matter who you are or where you come from, we all have the same types of friends. Some of the personalities might overlap, but they are all represented.

There’s the leader. He (or she) is the most popular one. He’s the glue that keeps the group together. It’s not an event if he’s not there. He’s your best friend but you’re not necessarily his. He’s too busy to have just one.

There’s the funny one. He’s the one constantly cracking jokes and keeping everyone entertained. No party is complete without him. It’s hard to take him seriously, but he makes the group fun to be with.

Every group has its oddball, the weird one who doesn’t quite fit in. He’s the scapegoat, the butt of all the jokes, but he’s still integral to the group. He’s Screech and you keep him around to blame when shit goes wrong.

There’s the intimidator. He’s the one that gets the group in trouble. He’s the rowdy one, the one that instigates fights with other groups. He’s kind of a bully but he’s fiercely loyal to the group, and he’s always willing to take a punch for you.

You have the slutty one. This is the one that hooks up with the most people. He gets around and you live vicariously through him. He’s never in a relationship but he always has somebody to fuck. He makes for a good wingman, so long as he doesn’t want the one that you want.

There’s the occasional. He’s like an alternate. He’s there for some events and he’s not missed for others. He’s a social butterfly and always has another group or groups of friends that he brings together when it’s time to party.

There’s always a nerd. The nerd is the smart one that everyone exploits. He’s not that fun to hang out with, but he’s always down to help you with homework or file your taxes. You kind of use him, but he’s willing to be used as long as he’s part of the group.

The mover is an important member. This is the guy that always comes up with something to do. He finds the obscure events and gets the group involved. He plans parties and outings and always has a connection for tickets or clubs.

You have to have a sympathetic friend. The one that listens to everyone and dispenses the best advice. He’s the one that you can always rely on when you need somebody’s help. He’s there to help you move, he’s there to pick you up from the airport, and he’s there when you need to vent.

Each group has a downer, the one that bitches and complains and brings everyone down. He’s part of the group, but barely. Nobody really likes him but they keep him around for one reason or another. Maybe he has a cool car, maybe he has a family cabin that he lets everyone use.

So that’s my list of the personalities in every group of friends. Which one are you?

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young
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Gluten-Free

I’ve been serving tables for about nine years now and I’ve noticed the increasing trend in people pretending to be gluten-free. That’s fucking bullshit. Jimmy Kimmel did a survey and he discovered that most people who claim to be gluten-free don’t even know what gluten is. It’s just hip to be gluten-free I guess. A few years ago everyone was doing the Atkins Diet because carbs were bad. Now anything associated with wheat is evil. I know approximately two people that are genuinely allergic to wheat. They’ve adapted to a world of Wheat Thins and Wonder Bread. They know what products contain wheat. They know what they can eat and what they can’t eat. All the people jumping aboard the Gluten-Free Bandwagon have no clue what they can eat or can’t eat. They only want to impress people by having picky eating habits. They just end up making servers go out of their way to accommodate them. You say you’re gluten-free? I’m going to slip you a crouton and see if you’re telling the truth. You should have an EpiPen if you’re really allergic.

Critically Rated at 2/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Toasters

A toaster is a kitchen appliance that causes a chemical reaction capable of converting bread into toast using the miracle of science. It also has the capability to warm up bagels, Pop-Tarts, and Toaster Strudels. It can make fireworks and sparks if you drop a knife into it. Toasters are a pretty impressive piece of technology. They can do almost anything that involves heating up thin pieces of baked goods. They are versatile like that. Some toasters pop the toast up into the when it’s done toasting. Those are the fun toasters. All the other ones are lame.
Critically Rated at 12/17
Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Falkor

Falkor is a character from The NeverEnding Story. I never read the book but I grew up watching the first two NeverEnding Story movies, and that’s where I first met Falkor. He is a dragon, specifically a luckdragon. That means he’s a lucky dragon. He’s more similar in style to Oriental dragons as opposed to European-style dragons. He has an elongated body with a long shaggy coat and has the ability to fly. He looks kind of like a gigantic dog, but he’s not a dog. He’s a dragon. A luckdragon, remember? I always wanted Falkor to be real. In fact, that was my main wish growing up. Whenever I saw a shooting star, or blew out the candles on my birthday cake, or successfully held my breath for the length of the tunnel, my wish was always for Falkor. I realize now that I was being naïve. Falkor isn’t real and I wasted a lot of wishes.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Whale Watching

Wikipedia defines whale watching as “the practice of observing whales and dolphins (cetaceans) in their natural habitat.” That’s completely wrong because dolphins aren’t fucking whales. I learned that in the second grade. Whale watching is when you go out and observe whales and whales only. You can go dolphin watching somewhere else. Sometimes you can see whales from the land, but most of the time you go out on a boat and cruise around until you find some whales. You watch them breach the surface and spray water from their blowholes. You see them move their tails. Sometimes they jump completely out of the water if you’re lucky. Some people aren’t lucky, like my friend who recently went on a whale watching cruise. She didn’t see any whales. I wonder if that’s still considered whale watching. I don’t think it is. It’s not whale watching if you didn’t watch any whales. It’s just a boat ride at that point.

Critically Rated at 12/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Chickens in Golden Gate Park

I went to Golden Gate Park with a friend earlier today. Golden Gate Park is huge, you can walk around exploring all day and never be bored. And that’s what we did. We ventured off the sidewalk down unpaved paths and hidden trails. We stumbled upon small ponds and larger lakes. We saw lots of squirrels and ducks, but the most surprising thing we encountered was a couple of chickens. I managed to get a blurry photo of one. You can see the feathers of the other one in the background if you look hard enough. Don’t strain yourself though. I don’t know how two chickens ended up in Golden Gate Park. It must have something to do with eggs, but it’s kind of amazing that they manage to live in park in a major US city. Golden Gate Park is very diverse in its wildlife. They have coyotes, foxes, raccoons, cranes, quails, hawks, owls, and now they have chickens. Pretty random and pretty awesome.

Critically Rated at 13/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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The Dumbest Thing I Ever Bought

About six years ago I was making a ridiculous amount of money at work during a busy summer and went on a shopping spree. I bought a new cell phone, a bunch of clothes, a longboard, a MacBook and a pair of stilts for some reason. Those stilts were the dumbest thing I ever bought. In my defense, they are really cool stilts. They aren’t regular stilts like you see clowns using at the circus or the ones that Uncle Sam wears during Fourth of July parades. No, I got a pair of PowerStrider jumping stilts. Suddenly I had the ability to jump six feet into the air! I could take strides of nine feet! I could jump over cars! I could do ridiculous flips and tricks and slam dunk from the free throw line! But I only wore them twice, which was one more time than I needed to wear them before I realized that I made a big mistake and basically threw three hundred dollars down the drain. You can’t just throw jumping stilts on and become a superhero. You have to start from scratch and learn how to use them. And if you fuck up you will get fucked up. It kind of hurts when you fall down taking strides of nine feet and jumping six feet in the air. I’ve had those stupid stilts ever since. I’ve tried selling them a few times but nobody’s ever wanted to buy them (because nobody in their right mind wants to buy stilts). I don’t want to throw them away because I spent so much money on them. So they sit in my closet mocking me like my collection of losing lottery tickets. By the way, you should let me know if you want a pair of jumping stilts for a reasonable price.

Critically Rated at 3/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Dynasty

The San Francisco Giants won the 2014 World Series. They also won the 2012 World Series. And before that they won the 2010 World Series. That’s three World Series in five years in case you’re not paying attention. That’s a dynasty. Only a lot of people disagree with that. Those people are mostly on the East Coast and they are extremely biased. They would have no problem calling it a dynasty if the New York Yankees did it. The Giants did it with the same core group of guys in an era when rosters change dramatically from season to season. Bruce Bochy, Madison Bumgarner, Buster Posey, Pablo Sandoval, Tim Lincecum, Jeremy Affeldt, Santiago Casilla, Javier Lopez, and Sergio Romo (and Matt Cain sort of) all have three rings with this team. A bunch of others now have two. A handful of them got their first ones. In 2016 they will get another if the trend keeps up.

The Giants are often overlooked and underrated. The Dodgers and Yankees get all the attention and publicity because of their marquee players and enormous payroll. But it takes a team to win the World Series and the Giants play as a team in every sense of the word. They pick each other up, they support each other, and they play for each other. It seems like there’s a different hero every game. They play for the name of the front of the jersey, not the name on the back and every single player on that roster will tell you that. They believe that there’s something special happening in San Francisco. And three World Series in five years proves that there is. Let’s call it what it is. It’s a dynasty.

Critically Rated at 17/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Dallas Airport Homophobe

There’s a video circulating the internet of an angry homophobe attacking a man he believes is gay. It’s a video that shows the best of people and the worst of people. It starts with an angry guy taunting and threatening a fellow traveller wearing a pink shirt. A group of nervous onlookers try to calm the man down and relieve the situation. They ask him why he’s so upset, they try to reason with him, they ask him if it’s worth going to jail for. All of that just adds fuel to the fire and he suddenly attacks the guy in pink. But then the crowd jumps into action, tackling him and restraining him until a few cops show up to arrest him. It’s street justice, it’s vigilantism, it’s instant karma. The best part is that this video takes place in the Dallas/Fort Worth International Airport, deep in the heart of Texas. Texas isn’t exactly known for being liberal and supportive of gay rights, so it’s refreshing to see the crowd rush in to help. It looks like one guy even broke his ankle in the process. There’s a lot of hate in the world, but there’s a lot more love. It’s hard to remember that sometimes. Videos like this remind you of that.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Luggage Tag

A luggage tag is a tag for your luggage that contains your personal information in case your bag gets lost. It should have your first and last name, your address, and your phone number. You don’t need to put all your personal information on it, especially not your social security or PIN number. Don’t get carried away. You just want your bag to get returned, not have your identity stolen. Luggage tags are often given away by corporations as a form of advertising because they want their brand and logo to be seen in airports around the world. You should never buy something if you can get it for free. And who really wants to waste money on a luggage tag? I’d rather buy a soda and a pack of Skittles. Or stamps. Or a little key chain that lights up. You can make your own luggage tag with a Post-it note and some Scotch Tape.

Critically Rated at 6/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Sand Dollar

A sand dollar is a sea creature related to sea urchins, star fish, and sea cucumbers. They are basically round and flat sea urchins living in a “shell” with a star pattern on it. The shell is actually their skeleton, and when they die you find their hollowed body washed up on the beach. When you picture a sand dollar in your mind, you’re imagining the corpse of one. The dead sand dollar is the thing that the Flintstones use for currency. Yes, the thing you gave your girlfriend as a romantic gesture were skeletal remains. How sweet. They are often used as paperweights because there’s not too much you can do with them other than look at them. Sand dollars are one of those things that you think are interesting but you don’t think too much about. But they are pretty fascinating if you bother to do some basic research. If you have a sand dollar lying around, pick it up now. Go on, grab it. You got it in your hands now? Ok, perfect. Flip it over so that it’s upside down and put your finger on the hole in the center of the bottom. Is your finger on the hole now? If it’s not, put your finger directly on the hole. Do you know what that hole is? It’s the anus. I just made you finger a sand dollar’s butthole. Behold the power of the internet. Now go wash your hands.
Critically Rated at 11/17
Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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A Map of All the Places You’ve Been

My roommate has a map of the United States on the wall. She puts little flags in all the cities, national parks, and places that she’s been. It’s like a visual representation of where she’s traveled, and it’s a great idea. So naturally I have to one up her. I plan on getting a map of the world so I can start putting up flags in all the places I’ve gone to. Right now there wouldn’t be too many flags, but that’s just motivation for me to get my ass to somewhere new. A map of all the places you’ve been makes you realize that the world is a big place and there is so much to see and do. You have to venture out of your bubble every once in a while to have unforgettable experiences that you can bore people with at Christmas parties for years to come. So get a map and some little flags and start to document where you’ve been, and think about where the next flag should go.

Critically Rated at 13/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Mini Fridge

A mini fridge is exactly what it sounds like. It’s a miniature refrigerator. They are perfect for dorms, apartments, and offices. No man cave is complete without one (unless you have a kegerator, that trumps all). They are essentially glorified and electrified coolers. They aren’t too spacious but you can keep a couple of six packs in them with enough room left over for some sandwich materials and things to eat. I have a mini fridge. My mom is a teacher and she gave me the one from her classroom when I went to college. It’s followed me to the dorms and everywhere I’ve lived since. At one point I stopped using it as a fridge and started using it as storage space. I know that it still works because I accidently plugged it in one time. I woke up a few hours later and discovered a bunch of really cold computer cables and hard drives in my makeshift cabinet. They still worked okay after I thawed them out a little. I didn’t blame the mini fridge for my stupidity and that’s why I still have it to this day. This thing will become an heirloom.

Critically Rated at 12/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Catching Something With Your Foot

I was at work the other day talking to my coworker when he suddenly dropped his empty coffee mug. It would have shattered completely but my spidey-sense was tingling and I was able to stick out my foot and break the fall. He was impressed with my quick reflexes and nimble athleticism, and he was especially grateful that he didn’t lose his favorite mug. It’s weird how attached we get to our coffee mugs. Catching something with your foot makes you feel like Pele. Or David Beckham. Or whoever the hip soccer player that all the kids are talking about now is. The most important thing to remember is that you’re not trying to kick the object, you’re trying to slow its descent using your foot. Be cautious and be gentle. Imagine that somebody dropped an egg or a baby. Use too much force and you’ll break it and that defeats the point of trying to save it.

Critically Rated at 12/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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