About six years ago I was making a ridiculous amount of money at work during a busy summer and went on a shopping spree. I bought a new cell phone, a bunch of clothes, a longboard, a MacBook and a pair of stilts for some reason. Those stilts were the dumbest thing I ever bought. In my defense, they are really cool stilts. They aren’t regular stilts like you see clowns using at the circus or the ones that Uncle Sam wears during Fourth of July parades. No, I got a pair of PowerStrider jumping stilts. Suddenly I had the ability to jump six feet into the air! I could take strides of nine feet! I could jump over cars! I could do ridiculous flips and tricks and slam dunk from the free throw line! But I only wore them twice, which was one more time than I needed to wear them before I realized that I made a big mistake and basically threw three hundred dollars down the drain. You can’t just throw jumping stilts on and become a superhero. You have to start from scratch and learn how to use them. And if you fuck up you will get fucked up. It kind of hurts when you fall down taking strides of nine feet and jumping six feet in the air. I’ve had those stupid stilts ever since. I’ve tried selling them a few times but nobody’s ever wanted to buy them (because nobody in their right mind wants to buy stilts). I don’t want to throw them away because I spent so much money on them. So they sit in my closet mocking me like my collection of losing lottery tickets. By the way, you should let me know if you want a pair of jumping stilts for a reasonable price.
Critically Rated at 3/17
Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young