Category Archives: Drinks

Beer, soda, and other fun fluids you put in your mouth.

Drunk Food

 One of the best things about getting drunk is getting drunk food. Drunk food is a complete meal you can eat with your hands that fills you up and is served quickly. Certain foods taste better when you’re inebriated. Pizza is always good, but it’s so much better when you’re drunk. A drunk burrito in between bars keeps your night going. Stumbling across a street vendor selling bacon-wrapped hot dogs will make you believe that God is real and wants us to be happy. Drunk food provides you with the much needed fuel to keep on drinking. It makes the party last longer. You know you had a good night when you find an empty pizza box on the counter when you wake up the next morning and no recollection of getting it. I’m not promoting binge drinking, I’m promoting eating food when you’re binge drinking. There’s a slight difference I’m sure. 

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Half Frozen Bottle of Water 

 I’m a big fan of ice cold water. It’s refreshing and invigorating and thirst quenching. I found a pretty useful life hack online a few months ago that allows me to have ice cold water whenever I want it. All you have to do is take a used bottle of water, fill it half way, lay it sideways in the freezer, and leave it alone for a few hours. Once the water is frozen, you open the bottle and fill it up the rest of the way. If you do it right, there will be ice on one side and water on the other. The ice makes the water cold instantly and keeps it chilled for hours. No muss, no fuss. I keep a half frozen bottle of water in the freezer at all times. It’s a cheap and easy way to impress thirsty guests when they come over. They think I’m smart and clever for coming up with it. I don’t tell them that I stole the idea from the internet. It’s not lying. It’s deceiving. There’s a difference.
  

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young 

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That Wasn’t My Water 

 I was starving at work today, so I ran into the break room to eat some food real quick. I took a few bites of my burger and took a big gulp of water to wash it down. Then I realized that it wasn’t my water. I didn’t even have water. I chugged somebody else’s water that they left behind. I felt sick. I felt violated. It’s pretty horrifying to discover that you drank some random person’s drink. It was disgusting. And it didn’t even have ice, so it was lukewarm and gross. I wish I didn’t do that. Now I’m going to spend the next few days worrying about catching strange diseases. That’s not how I wanted to spend my weekend. I’m going to dwell on it for a while. Woe is me. 

Critically Rated at 5/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Guayakí Brand Yerba Mate

 I used to drink a shitload of Energy drinks back in the day. Then I switched to coffee for a while. Now I’m starting to drink yerba mate, specifically Guayakí Brand Yerba Mate. It claims to have “the strength of coffee, the health benefits of tea, and the euphoria of chocolate.” I don’t know about all that, but I do know that it provides me with a quick pick-me-up. It’s refreshing and more hydrating than most standard sugary energy drinks and it doesn’t leave me all jittery. It come in bottles and cans with a few different flavors, but I suggest that you try a can of Enlighten Mint as your first foray into the world of Yerba mate. It’s crisp and delicious and you shan’t be disappointed. Guayakí Brand Yerba Mate is gaining in popularity and it’s about to blow up and become super trendy. You might as well jump on the bandwagon now. You don’t want to be accused of being a loser later.

 Critically Rated at 13/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Cheers Tap Down

I drink beer and I drink socially. That means that I usually do a toast or cheers a few times a week. I’ll go to the bar with a friend, order a couple of beers, and will raise our glasses to one thing or another. I’ve noticed that every time I clink my glass against another, I tap the table with my glass before I take a sip. I can’t help it. It’s built in. It’s an automatic reflex. I call it the Cheers Tap Down. Maybe you have a better name for it. Good for you. You should write a blog post about it. Maybe I will read it.

I don’t know when I picked up the habit of tapping my glass down before I drink it. I might have gotten it from my European friends (do they do that in Europe?). I might have gotten it by mimicking cool people. Either way, I do it now instinctually. It feels weird if I don’t do it. I like to think of it as a way of wishing for good luck, like knocking on wood or something. Cheers to you, one for the homies, and a sip for me. The Cheers Tap Down. Try it once and you’ll never go back to normal toasting again.

Critically Rated at 15/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Retox

My friend came over the other day to hang out for a few hours. Being the good host that I am, I offered her a beer. She said no and I asked her why. She said it was because she was doing a detox. I was totally supportive of her decision but I still cracked a beer open for myself. Some people choose to detox. Good for them. I choose to retox. It’s more fun. I retox almost every night. It’s what happens when you work in the restaurant industry. You work hard and play harder. Plus there are days when customers bring you down and crush your spirit. A little booze does a lot to revitalize oneself. If you do retox, retox responsibly. Use coasters and try not to spill anything. That’s alcohol abuse.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Mission Brewery Hard Root Beer

I drink a lot of beer but I’ll mix it up every once in a while and try something different. I was feeling adventurous at the store and got a six-pack of Mission Brewery Hard Root Beer. It’s what it sounds like. It’s root beer with booze in it. It has a respectable 7.5% alcohol content so it’s harder than Budweiser. I cracked open a bottle and poured it into a frosty mug. It looks like root beer. It’s a dark brown color with moderate carbonation and a thin head that dissipates quickly. It smells like root beer. There’s spice, licorice, and vanilla aromas. It tastes like root beer on the first sip, but with a definite boozy aftertaste once you swallow it. It has an herbal medicine flavor that takes some getting used to. It’s neither good nor bad. I’m not impressed and I’m not disappointed either. It’s just a different way of getting drunk. It’s worth trying if you like root beer and booze, but a six-pack is a big commitment if you’re not sure about it. I wish that I bought a single bottle to sample first. I’ll finish my six-pack eventually but I’m not in any rush to do so.

Critically Rated at 10/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

Mission Brewery Hard Root Beer

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Eggnog

I celebrated Christmas with my family yesterday. It was a grand old time. We laughed, talked, and caught up with each other. We had hors d’oeuvres, a nice steak dinner, and consumed copious amounts of alcohol. We had beer, wine, and a few cocktails. I even brought up a bottle of a rum and brandy mix to make some eggnog. It’s been a long time since I’ve had eggnog. At least five years I’m guessing. I was well overdue for some nog. Eggnog is traditionally a chilled dairy and egg-based cocktail with a couple of added spices for flavor. It could be non-alcoholic but that’s no fun. There are a lot of recipes for eggnog. You could make it from scratch if you have all the right ingredients, but it’s a lot easier and faster to buy some premade eggnog and then add some booze to it. That’s what I did. Sprinkle a little nutmeg on top and you’re in business. Pacing is important when consuming eggnog. Drink it too fast and you’ll get a stomach ache (or possibly salmonella). Drink it too slowly and it will curdle. It’s a holiday drink most enjoyed around Christmas. I wouldn’t bring a batch of nog to any Fourth of July festivities. It’s too hot. Milk and eggs are a bad choice.

Critically Rated at 12/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Breaking Bud

I went camping with my family over the weekend in California’s gold country. A few of us went to the Knee Deep Brewing Company in Auburn to try some of their amazing craft beers. Hoptologist is probably their flagship beer but they have a lot of other brews that rival it, chief amongst them is Breaking Bud. It’s a pretty amazing American IPA. It pours a nice golden color with a thick white head. The aroma is of citrus hops like grapefruit and subtle orange peels, and there is also a little pine and malt as well. It tastes of grapefruit, tropical fruits, dank hops, and little resin. Not only is it a great beer, it also pays homage to Walter White and Breaking Bad. How can you not want to try it? Pick it up if you see it at the store. The brewery is definitely worth checking out if you’re ever in the Auburn area. Plus they sell it in growlers or crowlers (32 ounces sealed in an aluminum can) so you can buy it in bulk. If you like IPAs, you’ll love this beer.

Critically Rated at 16/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Your Father Smelt of Elderberries (beer, not an insult)

Your Father Smelt of Elderberries is a beer from Stone Brewing Co.’s Stochasticity Project and a reference to Monty Python and the Holy Grail. It’s a medieval-style ale brewed with elderberries. It’s a pretty interesting brew. It pours a dark amber color with a thin off-white head. It has a fruity, malty aroma with a hint of wood. It tastes more bitter than I expected. There’s fruit, malt, smoke, a little wood. It reminds me more of a barley wine than an amber ale. It has a hefty 10.3% alcohol content, so it’s a heavy beer. A couple of these will make you sleepy. It’s not my favorite offering from the Stochasticity Project, but it’s one of the more memorable ones. I bought a few bottles to age, but I’ll probably end up drinking them within the week. It’s a decent beer, but it’s a limited brew so you should buy it now while you have the chance.

Critically Rated at 13/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Ice Cube Tray

I have a freezer in my kitchen. It doesn’t have an icemaker. My roommates and I have to use ice cube trays. An ice cube tray is a plastic or rubber flexible trough that you pour water into, then you stick it in the freezer. The freezer makes the water really cold and really cold water turns into ice. It’s not magic. It’s science or physics or something. I don’t know, it’s been way too long since I was in school. Anyway, if you like ice but don’t have an icemaker, ice cube trays are the way to go. Your only other option is buying ice at the store, but that requires wearing pants. The only major downside to ice cube trays is that they don’t refill themselves automatically. You have to do it yourself. Consequently you’ll often find empty ice cube trays in the freezer.

Critically Rated at 12/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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2-For-$2.22 Deal

I was feeling rather parched yesterday on my way to work. I stepped into a 7-Eleven in search of something to quench my thirst. I wanted something a little more exciting than bottled water, preferably with caffeine. It was either iced tea or soda, and soda has bubbles, so soda it was. I walked over towards the soda side of the cooler and looked over their incredible selection of pop. There were too many choices and I got overwhelmed and grabbed a Coke. Then I noticed a sign advertising Coke products as 2-for-$2.22 deal. Hmmm. I could buy one twenty ounce bottle for a dollar fifty, or I could buy two for two dollars and twenty-two cents and hypothetically save myself seventy-eight cents if I bought both bottles at the same time. I’d be a fool not to do it. So I did it. I bought one regular Coke and one Cherry Coke because I like to mix things up. Needless to say, my thirst was soon quenched.

But now I had a new problem. I had too much soda and I was going to work. We have a refrigerator in our break room, but some of my coworkers have sticky fingers and I wasn’t going to leave my unopened bottle in there unguarded all day. I chose to leave it in my backpack. Of course I forgot about it until I was on the way home and got thirsty again. I pulled it out of my bag and cracked it open. It was warm. It wasn’t very tasty nor refreshing. It was downright disappointing. Next time I will think twice before I fall for the 2-for-$2.22 deal.

Critically Rated at 12/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Sober as a Button

I have a friend who recently got fired from his job at a restaurant. He got the boot because he showed up to work extremely hungover and still slightly drunk. He looked like shit, felt like shit, and the managers asked him to go home. They called him an hour later and told him that he wasn’t welcome back. It’s kind of bullshit because practically everyone in the restaurant industry has worked drunk at one time or another, but that’s besides the point. Well, I’m not sure I have a point really. I was only trying to tell you all an anecdote. I’m going to get back to that now.

So anyway, later on that day a bunch of us were at the bar celebrating Saturday night and my friend joined us. He was telling us his side of the story, downplaying how intoxicated he really was. Someone asked him if he was still drunk when he showed up to work. “No,” he said, “I was sober as a button.”

We all smirked, laughed, and did a double-take. I told him that I was pretty sure he just made up that expression. He was adamant that it was an actual expression. We Googled it. It’s not. Well, some people have said it in the past, but the majority of the internet doesn’t accept it as a real idiom. You can be cute as a button or sober as a judge, but you can’t be sober as a button. Then my friend reminded me that buttons don’t drink. Fuck, he’s right about that. We ended up agreeing that it wasn’t a valid expression but you could still be technically sober as a button.

Critically Rated at 13/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Throwing Up Red Wine

I’m not a big fan of wine. I prefer beer or whiskey. Every now and then I will enjoy a glass of wine, particularly when I’m feeling fancy. If I do get wine, it’s usually a chardonnay or sparkling wine. I can’t red wine. No cabernet, no merlot, no blends. My anti-red wine diet began my sophomore year of college. My roommates and I had a toga party. It wasn’t much of a toga party; it was me and my roommates in makeshift bed sheet togas, a bunch of guests in regular street clothes, two bottles of good wine, and four boxes of Franzia. If you don’t know what Franzia is, consider yourself lucky. It’s a brand of boxed wine that comes in three or five liter packages. It’s wine that you buy in bulk. It’s not terrible tasting but you’re not going to impress anyone if you show up to a dinner party with it. Anyway, my roommates and I drank the two bottles of good wine, then we poured the Franzia into the empty bottles, and we served that to our guests so they thought we were giving them the good stuff.

I ended up drinking a lot of the Franzia out of necessity. It was a toga party damnit and we banned all other types of alcohol for some stupid reason. So glass after glass of Franzia went down the hatch until I reached my limit and kept on going. I would love to say that I handled my booze, but I ended up puking and I puked hard. Throwing up red wine is not fun. It looks like blood and intestines. You think you’re dying. I puked all over my bathroom and passed out in my bed while the party raged on around me. To this day I can’t drink red wine.

I know it’s not fair to swear off quality wine because of a decades old incident with a shitty wine, but my body won’t let me near that poison. I can’t touch gin for the same reason. Throwing up red wine is something that I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy. Nobody deserves that kind of suffering.

Critically Rated at 8/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Water Bottle Cap

I have a couple of canteens that I use for camping, hiking, and when I hang out at the beach or park. It’s essential to stay hydrated and keeping water handy is a great idea whilst doing outdoor activities. I went to a friend’s birthday party in Golden Gate Park a few weeks ago and brought along my trusty canteens and a shit ton of beer. A few hours later the party was wrapping up and it was time to clean up and go. We gathered all our belongings, got all the trash, rolled our blankets, and glanced over our spot for anything left behind. The only thing that was missing was the cap to one of my canteens. A canteen is practically useless without its cap. I searched for the cap for a couple of minutes before I called it a loss and left with everyone else. I was tempted to throw away my canteen but I held on to it for some reason. Maybe it was hope. I’m glad that I didn’t toss it because it turned up a few days later. One of my friends accidently pocketed it that night and she found it when she put on her jacket again. She handed it back to me with a sheepish smile and a half-hearted apology. I was actually pretty impressed. I don’t know how she remembered that I was missing a water bottle cap. I guess she’s a good friend.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Pinky Out

I know a girl who is classy as fuck. How do I know she’s classy? Easy, every time she takes a sip of something she extends her pinky out. She will hold the glass with all her fingers touching it, but as soon as she tilts the glass to take a sip her pinky goes out. She does it automatically and she does it every single time. Trust me, I’ve seen her drink a lot. It doesn’t matter if she’s drinking wine, beer, tea, or soda. She didn’t even know that she did it until I pointed it out. She had no idea that she was so fancy. It’s a good thing that I called attention to it. It’s good for her self-esteem. Every girl wants to be classy as fuck. Most people just pretend to be classy. She has it built in.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Pickle Back

A pickle back is a shot of dill pickle brine that you use as a chaser. It has nothing to do with that pickle-loving Nickelback cover band. Generally you gulp down the pickle back after you take a shot of liquor. Apparently it goes really well with Jameson, and it definitely does not mix with Fireball. My sister is a big fan and advocate for pickle backs. She insists that everyone tries it at least once. She always had an unhealthy obsession for pickles though. I wouldn’t recommend it if you don’t like pickles. Go for it if you do. It gives you the ability to conquer the most vile shots imaginable. You’ll be blacked out in no time.

Critically Rated at 13/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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