Monthly Archives: May 2013

May 14, 2013 · 10:17 am

What’s Missing?

This might look similar to most of my random posts, but it’s not. Writing this post is a hard task. I’m actually kind of struggling from word to word.  I’m using particular words and trying out my vocabulary in a way that I don’t normally do. Typing it and making it flow is proving difficult. It’s tough to jot down. So do you know what’s missing from this post by now? I do, but I did this blog so I should know. It’s kind of obvious if you know what to look for. Want a hint? A particular symbol is missing. It’s a common symbol, a symbol you look at daily. On billboards, in books, it’s all around you. In fact, this symbol is probably by you right now. It’s on your monitor; it’s just not in this post. That’s how good I am at what I do. I’m not cocky, I’m just hinting at what it is. You might want to throw up your hands in frustration if you still don’t know. I won’t say what it is until you start crying. I’m a dick but I’m proud of it. C’mon, you can do it. Think of your ABC’s and look at this blog again. Now I’m just lazy with hints. Catch what’s missing now? You will. Possibly.

Critical Final Tally is a 17/17

Blog by B. H. Young

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May 14, 2013 · 10:12 am

Smooth Criminal by Michael Jackson

            Michael Jackson is the King of Pop and the Master of Music Videos. Or rather he was. He’s dead now. Everyone has their own favorite Michael Jackson video. Boring and cliché people are partial to Thriller. A lot of people like Bad, Beat it, and Billie Jean. Those are all great videos, but Smooth Criminal is the best Michael Jackson video. It’s a great song and he showcases some of his best dance moves including the moonwalk and the anti-gravity lean. I wonder how many wannabes broke their nose trying to do the lean. I’m guessing it was a lot. Smooth Criminal is not just a music video, it’s short film. And it has almost all the iconic Michael Jackson trademarks: he’s rocking a fedora, a slick suit with an armband, tape on his fingertips, he’s pretending to be tough and feigning street cred, there are strangers doing a spontaneous yet perfectly choreographed dance, a couple of little kids running around well past their bedtime… the only things missing are the glove and his hair on fire.

Smooth Criminal is a very stylized video (it’s actually the centerpiece of his film Moonwalker). MJ enters a 1930’s nightclub filled with gangsters and he’s somehow tougher than all of them. He sings and dances and prances around. He beats up some dudes, and he even shoots and kills another guy, sending him flying backwards through a brick wall. At one point the music cuts out and everyone starts moving in slow motion with a blue tinge. Michael does a little howling and finger snapping and bobs his head ferociously. A cat walks on a piano for some reason, the ladies start moaning, and everything slows down before the song explodes back into existence. It’s impossible to watch this video and not try to emulate his moves. Don’t even try to dance like Michael Jackson; you won’t be able to pull it off. Michael Jackson is the only guy who looks cool doing Michael Jackson moves. Everyone else looks like Corey Feldman during his MJ obsession.

            Critically Rated at 17/17

Written, Rated and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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May 13, 2013 · 8:02 am

Nantucket Nectors Red Plum Juice Cocktail

I’ve had a lot of juice in my day. I’ve had all the normal juices like apple, orange, pineapple, grape, grapefruit, and cranberry. I’ve even had more obscure juices like cherry, peach, guava, and coconut. I’ve even had tomato juice (there might have been vodka in it). But I’ve never had plum juice. I’ve never even seen or heard of it until today. I’m not talking about prune juice, that shit is nasty. I’m talking about plum juice, specifically Red Plum from Nantucket Nectors. Nantucket Nectors makes gourmet juices, and this definitely qualifies as a gourmet juice. It tastes like a red plum, only less intense and watered down. It’s good if you like plums. According to the label, there is actually more pear juice in it than plum juice. I think that’s false advertising. Yeah, the pear juice is subtle so you can’t really taste it, but I still feel lied to. I wanted Red Plum Juice, not Pear Juice featuring Red Plum.

Critically Rated at 13/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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May 13, 2013 · 8:00 am

Upgrading Your Phone

We are a society of consumers and that compels us to upgrade our phones constantly. You are behind the times if you don’t have the most current model and that’s somehow shameful. It’s weird. Upgrading your phone is like making your way through high school. You’re a Senior if you have the latest model, and that means you own the campus. You drop in the social standings for every year you’ve had your phone, You’re a Junior if your phone is a year old. You’re still an upperclassman, but you’re not top dog. You’re a Freshman if your phone is three or four years old. And if your phone is five years old you are in middle school and not worth talking about. I am still rocking my iPhone 4. Siri won’t talk to me, but I can look down on anyone who still has a phone with buttons. Conversely, anyone with an iPhone 5 or 4s can legally shun me. Even those fuckers with the Windows Phone can make fun of me because their phone is cooler than mine. Whatever, I’m chill with being in the middle of the totem pole.

Critically Rated at 12/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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May 12, 2013 · 9:56 am

Body Shots

A body shot is a shot of liquor that is served on a person as opposed to in a shot glass. Most of the time a drunk (and slightly slutty) female will lay down on the bar top and somebody else slurps tequila off her tits or tummy. Everyone else laughs and takes pictures. Body shots are usually a sign that things are going to get rowdy. Body shots are messy for everyone involved. The human shot glass will be sticky with liquor and spit. The person taking the shot always dribbles down their chin and they occasionally suck up a loose hair or foreign object. And the bartender gets to clean up all the drinks that get knocked over when the human shot glass jumps up on the bar. Body shots should be reserved for special occasions like a 21st birthday or Cinco de Mayo. They should be somewhat random and special, not a routine event.

Critically Rated at 13/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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May 12, 2013 · 9:53 am

Starbucks Doubleshot Espresso

You’re feeling drained and need a quick pick-me-up but you don’t know if you want coffee or an energy drink. That’s when you need to get a Starbucks Doubleshot Espresso. It’s espresso and cream in a small 6.5 oz. can. It’s a lot more bitter than a Frappuccino, but the cream helps smooth out the flavor. It has more caffeine than Red Bull. The small can of Red Bull has 80mg of caffeine and a Doubleshot Espresso has 130mg of caffeine. One is usually enough to give you the jitters for a few hours. Starbucks is kind of an obscure brand, but I have the feeling that they are going to blow up soon.

Critically Rated at 12/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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May 11, 2013 · 10:38 am

Make Friends with the People Around You

It’s important to make friends with the people around you whenever you go to a concert or a sporting event or another similar event with a large crowd. You don’t have to ask their names, or what high school they went to, or add them on Facebook… you just have to make some small talk and exchange pleasantries. This way they are more forgiving each time they have to stand up to make room for you when you go get food or go to the bathroom. And they are more willing to look the other way as you pour your smuggled liquor into a Coke cup and pass it around your group. And plus events are more fun with friendly people around you. I was at a Giants game the other night and I overheard a little old lady telling her family that it was her first game of her life. I turned around and told her that she’s going to see something amazing. Sure enough, Buster Posey hit a home run and she turned into a schoolgirl and giddily told me that her last name was Posey too. Seeing the joy on her face turned a typical home run into a memorable one. We lost the game but that little old lady made my night. That’s why I make nice with the people around me. It makes being stuck in a crowd more bearable. Swapping stories and practicing common courtesy with your temporary neighbors goes a long way. For some reason, social events are more fun with a little social interaction.

Critically Rated at 13/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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May 11, 2013 · 10:36 am

Running with a Skateboard

I saw a guy running down the sidewalk with a skateboard tucked under his arm. He was panting heavily so I know that he was running for a while. Something about the whole situation really bothered me. It’s probably because the schmuck wasn’t riding his skateboard. He was on a slight downhill, a perfect slope for a skater. But he was running, not riding, and I want to know why. He was obviously in a rush, but he chose to pick up his board and run with it as opposed to the logical choice of riding it. If you’re in a hurry and you have a skateboard, you should fucking ride it. That’s what you’re supposed to do. It makes sense. It’s faster and less tiring. Running with a skateboard doesn’t make sense. It confuses me. It angers me. I’m going to lose sleep over this tonight. Don’t run with skateboards, fucking ride them. Leave the board at home if you want to jog.

Critically Rated at 5/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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May 10, 2013 · 10:57 am

Sunkist Orange Soda

I’m not a big fan of orange soda, but I grabbed a Sunkist today. I don’t know why. It was an impulse buy I guess. It’s not exactly breaking the bank at 99¢ for a 20 oz. bottle, but now I’m stuck with an orange soda that I don’t really want. It has a sweet and tangy candied orange flavor that tastes just like every other orange soda out there, but Sunkist contains caffeine unlike other brands. Caffeine makes soda better. I’m reading the label and I’m not seeing any evidence that there are any actual oranges or orange juice in it. The label describes Sunkist as an Orange Soda flavored with other natural flavors. That’s kind of cryptic and vague, not to mention completely unappetizing. All this time I thought it was called orange soda because it tastes like oranges and has oranges in it… apparently it’s just describing the color of the beverage.

Critically Rated at 12/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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May 10, 2013 · 10:55 am

Drool

Drooling is an unfortunate bodily function. It usually happens at the most embarrassing and inopportune times. Nothing makes a better first impression than a strand of saliva dangling from the corner of your mouth. It makes the ladies swoon, that’s for sure. Everybody drools. You’ll droll in the middle of a conversation. You’ll drool in anticipation of a delicious dinner. You’ll drool in your sleep occasionally and wake up with a soggy pillow. Sometimes drooling is viewed as cute or adorable, but dogs are the only ones who can get away with that. No human is capable of making drool look attractive. Nobody. If burps are like an oral fart, then drool is like an oral shart. It’s just so liquid and obvious.

Critically Rated at 3/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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May 10, 2013 · 1:34 am

Celebs Lip Syncing to “Clouds”

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May 9, 2013 · 10:36 am

Charles Ramsey

Charles “Chuck” Ramsey is a both a hero and an internet sensation. And he’s also got a passion for McDonald’s. In case you’ve been living under a rock, Charles Ramsey heard a woman screaming for help, so he helped her, and in doing so he saved three kidnapped women from ten years of captivity. Then he gave out a couple of interviews and inadvertently became a legend. That man is real. He doesn’t hide anything, he doesn’t hold anything back, and he tells it like it is. Go to YouTube and search for “Charles Ramsey interview“ and for “Charles Ramsey 911 call.” The Anderson Cooper interview is also another good one to watch. He’s colorful for sure, he spouts more memorable quips than a Judd Apatow movie. But it doesn’t matter how you talk, it matters how you act. It’s what you do that makes you who you are. And Charles Ramsey stepped up when most people would turn the other cheek. He’s a real man, bro. When asked about the reward he said that he had a job, and they should give the money to the victims. And then he showed his paycheck to prove that he didn’t need any handouts. He might not want the reward money, but I hope McDonald’s gives him free Big Macs for life.

Critically Rated at 17/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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May 9, 2013 · 10:33 am

Cracking Your Back

It’s nearing the end of a long day and your back is feeling stiff and constricted. It’s time to crack it. You could crack it yourself using a chair or something, but it’s more fun to have somebody else crack it for you. Cracking backs is an oddly satisfying social interaction. You let some dude bear hug you from the back and lift you in the air, he shakes you around a little bit, you hear your back pop and feel instant relief, then you thank him for casually manhandling you. It’s kind of a weird custom. But it feels great. Some people pride themselves on their back cracking ability. Ask them to show off their skills and you’ll never need to go to a chiropractor again.

Critically Rated at 13/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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May 8, 2013 · 9:53 am

Watching the Game at Work

The game is on but you’re stuck at work. You can turn on the TV or radio and have it tuned in, but you can’t just stay in one spot and watch it because there’s shit to be done. That’s when watching the game at work becomes a group effort. You have to identify your gamer co-workers and work out an amateur system of notification. At any given point, one or two people should be following the game. Then if someone gets a run or makes a great play, they disperse and spread the word to everyone else, “Posey just hit a solo shot, it’s 5-4 now.” You might be missing most of the action, but you’re not missing out. Sports have a way of bringing people together. I have nothing in common with my manager except for a mutual passion for baseball. We can talk about the Giants for hours but all other small talk is nonexistent. Baseball season has a way of unifying people. I work in a restaurant, and it’s pretty awesome when the managers, servers, cooks, and bussers all have something to cheer about and celebrate together. Watching the game at work is essential for staff bonding. I’d still rather be at the game though.

Critically Rated at 13/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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May 8, 2013 · 9:51 am

Awkward Silence

You’re with a group of friends, laughing and joking and having a good time. The conversation is lively and spontaneous and then suddenly nonexistent. An awkward silence manages to force its way into the conversation and an apprehensive tension inexplicably destroys everybody’s ability to communicate. The awkward silence is usually only a few seconds long but it seems to last for a few agonizing minutes. Everyone is secretly wondering if they are the cause, they wonder if the conversation would still be going if only they shared one more anecdote or spouted one more quip. An awkward silence just means that everyone is doing the right thing. You don’t want to dominate the conversation; you just want it to flow. Sometimes it flows into a dead end and you have to start over. The best way to end the awkward silence is to acknowledge is and discuss it directly. When you notice the awkward silence, simply say, “Woah, awkward silence, huh?” The silence gets dissolved the second somebody resumes talking and your conversation about nothing in particular can proceed.

Critically Rated at 6/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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May 7, 2013 · 10:38 am

Coffee Table

A coffee table is a type of table typically found in the living room in front of the couch. It’s the ideal place to put your coffee while you’re sitting down. It was designed with coffee in mind, but it works surprisingly well with other beverages too. In England they are known as tea tables (I don’t actually have the facts to back that up, I’m just assuming that’s the case). Most people leave books and magazines out on the coffee table for people to thumb through when there’s a lull in the conversation. There’s even a whole subcategory of books known as coffee table books. They are usually hardcover books with lots of pretty pictures and minimal text. Coffee tables are where you keep beverage coasters and in a perfect world it’s also where the TV remote lives. I can’t imagine a world without coffee tables… sitting on your ass at home would be slightly more inconvenient.

Critically Rated at 13/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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May 7, 2013 · 10:36 am

“It Looks Like Rain.”

You go outside and notice that your shadow is missing. You look up and see the sun is hidden behind some clouds and the whole sky looks dark and gloomy. A storm is clearly on the way. And no matter how obvious the shitty weather is, inevitably you will hear some jackass say, “It looks like rain.” Of course it looks like rain, it’s about to fucking rain. I don’t need some wannabe weatherman stating the obvious. He’s one of those jerks who watches you play solitaire over your shoulder and tells you to move the three. He somehow thinks he’s helping you and that you should be grateful for his insightful observations. The only person who can get away with saying “It looks like rain” is an umbrella salesman making his pitch. Everyone else needs to shut the fuck up.

Critically Rated at 4/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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