Monthly Archives: January 2013

January 14, 2013 · 9:51 am

Sharpie

Sharpies are the preferred permanent marker of millions. Magic Markers can fuck off. Sharpies used to only come in black, but now they come in a variety of other colors too. They have a lot of uses: writing your name and phone number on personal objects, for arts and crafts projects, and for sniffing when you’re too broke to buy weed or beer. They can do everything a pen can do, but bigger and more extreme. Pens are mostly confined to paper like a car’s confined to streets. Sharpies are like the ATVs of writing utensils. They’re more versatile, they can write on more surfaces, and there’s a broader spectrum of users and uses for them. Plus they are ideal for drawing penises and swastikas on people who pass out.

Critically Rated at 15/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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January 14, 2013 · 9:49 am

Bill Nye

There are a lot of scientists, but only one Science Guy. Bill Nye is the Science Guy. He teaches kids and kids at heart that fysics is phun. He’s hosted a few TV shows, but he’s still most famous for Bill Nye the Science Guy. These days he makes appearances all over the place, usually as himself or playing a scientist or mathematician. He’s had a great career in education and entertainment and the only reason I feel sorry for him is because so many people think that he’s dead. Just because his career died doesn’t mean that he did.

Critically Rated at 10/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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January 13, 2013 · 11:46 am

Your Highness (film)

Your Highness is a 2011 stoner comedy/fantasy parody film. It’s almost like a follow-up to Pineapple Express. It has the same director (David Gordon Green) and two of the main actors (Danny McBride and James Franco). But it’s not as funny, not as solid as Pineapple Express. It’s still one of the best sword and sorcery stoner films though.

Danny McBride stars as Thadeous, a lazy prince who is jealous of his older brother Fabious. Fabious (James Franco) is the cliché prince/brave knight, going on quests and rescuing princesses and whatnot. He returns from one such quest with the virgin Belladonna (Zooey Deschanel) from the evil warlock Leezar. Leezar kidnaps her back, and Thadeous is forced to help Fabious on his quest to kill Leezar and get her back. They go on a quest and meet pedophilic wizards, naked nymphs, horny minotaurs, and Natalie Portman.

Your Highness has its moments, but a lot of jokes fall flat. The whole movie is based on a weird concept. It would play better as an SNL sketch as opposed to a full-length feature. They run out of gags and the plot is already stretched too thin. It’s a funny movie and it might be worth watching, but it’s not worth owning.

Critically Rated at 11/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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January 13, 2013 · 11:42 am

Being Itchy After a Haircut

You just got a haircut and you’re looking good but feeling itchy. Somehow some rouge hairs got up under your shirt and onto your shoulders and that shit is starting to chafe. As you’re slowly being stabbed by your own sheared follicles, you’ll wonder how effective your conditioner is because it’s obviously not making your hair soft and silky. That shit hurts. Being itchy after a haircut is one of the drawbacks of personal grooming, but society requires us to look presentable.

Critically Rated at 5/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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January 12, 2013 · 11:33 am

Using Lines From a Porno in Real Life

I wish you could get away with using lines from a porno in real life. Not to pick up girls. I mean using it like “That’s what she said.” Someone says something innocent to prompt it. So if someone asks why my shirt is wrinkled, I could respond with, “It needs to be for a cock like this.” Conversation over. I walk away victorious. They stand there, jaw dropped, wondering what just happened. Sometimes people quote a porno by accident. You’ll ask your little brother if he likes his birthday present and he’ll say, “Oh yeah, you don’t even know how much.” And you’ll wonder why he’s quoting every porno ever until you remember that he’s seven years old and you watch way too much porn.

Critically Rated at 13/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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January 12, 2013 · 11:29 am

Ouija Board

A Ouija board is a way to contact spirits or scare your stupid friends. Everyone gathers around the board, which is inscribed with the alphabet, numbers, and symbols. They each put a finger on the pointer piece. The pointer moves around and spells out words and phrases. You can use it to solve murder mysteries, predict the future, or find out which celebrities are secretly gay. Ouija boards are for kids and drunk teenagers these days, but they used to be associated with the occult, dark magic, and demonism. I miss the old days.

Critically Rated at 10/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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January 11, 2013 · 11:05 am

Pumping Iron (documentary)

Pumping Iron is a 1977 documentary about the world of professional bodybuilding. It’s directed by Robert Fiore and George Butler and first follows Mike Katz and Ken Waller preparing for the amateur Mr. Universe competition and then Lou Ferrigno and Arnold Schwarzenegger preparing for the professional Mr. Olympia competition. This is the movie that launched Arnold’s career. And it’s real life.

If you like gladiator movies but want something even more homoerotic, this is the film for you. One of the highlights is Arnold Schwarzenegger describing how working out is like cumming, how being onstage performing is like cumming, how he feels like he is cumming all the time. And there’s a lot of footage of buff guys in Speedos rubbing oil all over each other throughout the film, in case you were wondering.

There’s actually a lot more to bodybuilding than man-on-man massages. There’s finesse, there’s technique, and there’s a psychological side to it that’s hard to master. Arnold Schwarzenegger mastered it. He’s portrayed as the villain, the reigning Mr. Olympia five years running, and he’s not above manipulating people to gain an edge. Lou Ferrigno is the hero. He’s earnest, hardworking, and trains with his father in private while Arnold works out in the spotlight. But Arnold is Arnold; you can’t help but like him, no matter how arrogant and conceited he is. Lou Ferrigno is boring. Arnold is larger than life. He conquered bodybuilding and Hollywood, he became governor of California, he married a Kennedy… Ferrigno’s biggest claim to fame is playing the Incredible Hulk on a TV show because CG didn’t exist then.

Check out Pumping Iron if you like documentaries, Schwarzenegger movies, or watching guys work out from the privacy of your home.

Critically Rated at 11/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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January 11, 2013 · 10:59 am

Trimming Your Nose Hair

Trimming your nose hair is important. I’m only bringing this up because it’s easy to forget. One super long nose hair can be super distracting during a conversation. It’s hard to make eye contact when that thin nose eel is peeking out at me. You’ll remember to do it before a date or a night on the town, but it’s most important to do it before you go to the dentist. He’ll be up close and personal, both him and his assistant studying your facial features in detail, analyzing every flaw and long nose hair is definitely one. So get rid of it.

Critically Rated at 6/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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January 10, 2013 · 11:33 am

Zombieland

There are two major classifications of zombie movies. They are either horror films or parody films. Zombieland is one of the latter. That mean’s it’s funny. Ruben Fleischer makes his directorial debut and Jesse Eisenberg stars as a college kid struggling to survive in a post-apocalyptic world. He teams up with a few other survivors, played by Woody Harrelson, Emma Stone, Abigail Breslin, and Bill Murray makes a cameo as himself.

The movie begins with Columbus (Eisenberg) explaining how the world has gone to shit and become infested with zombies. He has a list of rules (like cardio, limber up, check the back seat, enjoy the little things) that he follows religiously to stay alive. He meets another survivor going by the name Tallahassee (Harrelson).  Tallahassee is a badass with a knack for killing zombies and a soft spot for Twinkies. They form an unlikely partnership and soon come across sisters/con artists Wichita and Little Rock (Stone and Breslin). Despite the sisters stealing their guns a few times, the four of them team up and start heading to Pacific Playland, which is supposedly free of zombies.

Along the way they start bonding and getting to know each other. They hang out with Bill Murray for a little bit. Then there’s a conflict and the group separates. The sisters go to Pacific Playland and attract a horde of zombies, but Columbus mans up and rescues them with some help from Tallahassee. The girls are saved, Columbus gets the girl, and Tallahassee gets a Twinkie.

Zombieland is a good movie. It has an interesting premise, it’s funny, it has a great cast, and a distinctive look. It’s not the best zombie parody (Shaun of the Dead was funnier and smarter), but it’s definitely entertaining and worth watching. Jesse Eisenberg carries the film. He plays shy, nerdy guys better than anyone else in Hollywood. He’s like a suave, un-annoying Michael Cera. Woody Harrelson’s always fun to watch but his character is kind of one-dimensional, even with the revelation that he can’t cope with the death of his son. Emma Stone looks as lovely as ever. And you can’t go wrong with Bill Murray in one of the best cameos of all time.

Zombies are in right now. You should have seen this movie by now. You’re slacking if you haven’t. It’s been out for a few years now. You better get on that shit.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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January 10, 2013 · 11:27 am

Space Heaters

If you’re cold and too cheap to turn on the furnace, space heaters are a great alternative. These are portable heaters that you can take from room to room. You just plug it into the wall, turn it on, and it starts to warm up instantly. They are more practical than lighting a fire and are much safer if you don’t have a fireplace. It’s nice to be warm in the winter, just like it’s nice to be cold in the summer. The grass is always greener on the other side, right?

Critically Rated at 10/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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January 9, 2013 · 10:58 am

Rice

The Internet once told me that on any given day half of the world’s population eats rice. That sounds about right. Rice is a dietary staple around the world. The Asians love it. The Latinos love it. And white people love Asian and Latino food. Rice is cheap and plentiful and billions of people rely on it to survive. There’s white rice, brown rice, Rice-A-Roni, and Uncle Ben’s. They have long grains, short grains, and grains that are just right. It doesn’t matter if you eat rice with a fork or chopstick, wrapped in seaweed or a tortilla, by itself or as part of a dish… eating rice is always nice.

Critically Rated at 16/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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January 9, 2013 · 10:57 am

Pump Up the Volume (film)

Pump Up the Volume is a 1990 film written and directed by Allan Moyle about a high school kid with his own pirate radio station. Christian Slater stars as Mark Hunter, a shy kid by day and a vigilante DJ by night. Mark is a loner and a loser at school, but each night he transforms into Happy Harry Hard-on and voices his complaints about his school and community. His opinions get him loyal followers and his show gets increasingly popular. He’s too controversial so the parents, faculty, and the FCC decide to shut him down, but not before he exposes the corrupt principal and encourages his followers to “talk hard.” Really. “Talk hard” is one of the taglines of the film. It’s even on the poster.

I used to watch this movie on TV as a kid. I finally got around to seeing the actual movie, uncut and without commercials, and it’s much better. Happy Harry Hard-on swears excessively, talks about cock rings, and pretends to masturbate on the air. Plus you get to see boobies. Remember that terrible Super Mario Bros. movie? Remember Princess Daisy in that? You get to see her boobs. And they pop up unexpectedly too. That’s the best kind of boob scene: when you’re not expecting anything and then BAM! Boobs.

Pump Up the Volume is about a teenager questioning the world and demanding answers. That’s why it’s still relevant to this day. Only now people have Facebook, YouTube, and a million other ways to make their voices heard on the Internet. They don’t need to hijack radio waves and piss off the FCC. 20 years ago teenagers had no voice. The Internet gave them one. Now they can’t shut up about Justin Beiber.

Critically Rated at 11/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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January 8, 2013 · 11:06 am

Sour Skittles

How do you improve everyone’s favorite rainbow colored bite-sized fruit chews? By adding a shit ton of sugar and calling them Sour Skittles of course. I lied; Sour Skittles aren’t an improvement on the Original Skittles. All that extra sugar makes your teeth hurt more and doesn’t do anything to enhance the flavors. You have the classic Skittles: Grape, Lime, Lemon, Orange, and Strawberry, but each one is made slightly sour with an excessive sugar coating. Sour Skittles are ok every once in a while, but all the other varieties of Skittles are better.

Critically Rated at 11/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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January 8, 2013 · 11:04 am

The Sandman: The Kindly Ones

The ninth volume of Neil Gaiman’s  The Sandman is the longest one of the series. It collects issues #57-69 and wraps up a lot of the plotlines of The Doll’s House and Brief Lives (Volume 2 and Volume 7). A trio of witches (known as the Furies, the Erinyes, or the Kindly Ones) set out on a path to destroy Morpheus for his shedding the blood of his family. But can they destroy Dream of the Endless?

The book starts with little baby Daniel getting kidnapped. His mom, Hippolyta Hall, goes crazy trying to find him and blames Morpheus for losing him. She vows to kill him and the Furies/Kindly Ones are all too willing to help her out. Morpheus killed his own son, and spilling the blood of your family gives the Furies the power to destroy you. Morpheus learns that actions have consequences and he must pay for the mistakes in his past.

This is one of the most important volumes in the series. It’s pretty much the climax of the series. Plus Morpheus dies. Sorry if that ruins anything for you, but I just had to see if you’re really reading this. I guess you are. You’ll just have to read the book to find out how and why it goes down.

Critically Rated at 13/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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January 7, 2013 · 11:01 am

Going To Bed When Other People Are Waking Up

It’s Saturday night until the Sunday sun comes up and you have to take advantage of it. Stay awake and have fun for as long as you can. Your eyelids will become heavy and start drooping but you’ll get your second wind if you avoid sitting still. The goal is to stay awake as long as possible. You want to be going to bed when other people are waking up. That’s a good indicator of having a great night. You want to collapse under the covers when you hear your neighbor leaving for work. You were having fun the whole time he was sleeping, and now you’ll sleep for the whole time he’s working. Life isn’t always fair but sometimes you’re the lucky one.

Critically Rated at 15/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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January 7, 2013 · 10:54 am

The Girl That Doesn’t Deserve a Cell Phone

Everyone has a friend that constantly loses or breaks their phone. Not to be sexist, but it’s usually a girl. Everyone knows the girl that doesn’t deserve a cell phone. She has a habit of randomly dropping it for no reason. She leaves it in cabs and bars and restaurants. She has to replace her broken or missing phones every three and half weeks. She goes through more phones than cell phone bills. She always gets the latest model and it always makes your phone look like a piece of shit, until she drops it and cracks the screen when she’s showing it off. The girl that doesn’t deserve a cell phone always has a new one. Don’t let her borrow your phone and don’t let her hold your baby.

Critically Rated at 6/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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January 6, 2013 · 10:14 am

Sneeze

Sometimes you have snot or dust in your nose and you feel a tickle. That tickle starts to grow and it becomes a sneeze. Your lungs deliver a blast of air that sends the snot and dust flying out of your nose and mouth. I’m sure you’ve all seen cartoons where they sniff pepper and it makes them sneeze. That doesn’t really happen. If you sniff pepper you just get a burning sensation like you inhaled Mace. Everyone has a unique sneeze, they are like fingerprints. Some people sneeze once and they’re done. Some people sneeze so many times that you’d think it was their hobby. There are silent sneezers, loud sneezers, spray sneezers, dry sneezers, and sneezers that sound like cats. The worst type of sneeze are the random phlegmers. Those are the powerful ones that come without warning and result in a handful of snot. Just throw it at the first asshole that makes a wisecrack and everybody will be too busy laughing to be disgusted.

Critically Rated at 8/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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