Monthly Archives: April 2012

April 13, 2012 · 11:01 am

Coming to America

John Landis directs Eddie Murphy in Coming to America. This is Eddie Murphy’s best movie, hands down. Eddie Murphy plays an African prince who comes to America in search of a bride. He brings his faithful manservant along, and hilarity ensues. Contrary to popular belief, Eddie Murphy does not play every single role in the movie. Eddie Murphy and Arsenio Hall each play four characters though. That’s a lot of comedy.

Murphy plays Prince Akeem. Arsenio Hall plays Semmi, his servant and friend. They come to Queens and land jobs at a McDonald’s clone called McDowell’s. Akeem falls for his boss’s daughter, but she already has a boyfriend. He keeps his regal status a secret, and eventually Lisa begins to notice him.

She gets rid of her boyfriend, and Akeem and Lisa start a relationship. Akeem’s parents show up, she finds out that he’s a prince, and she gets mad that he lied about being a goat herder and breaks up with him. Um, ok, why not? He goes back to Africa, and has to take part in an arranged marriage. When he lifts up his mystery bride’s veil, he sees that it is Lisa! Oh, what a happy ending.

This is a good movie with a good cast. Eddie Murphy and Arsenio Hall are at the top of their game, each playing multiple characters, and each one is funny. Eddie Murphy carries the movie, but it wouldn’t have been half as good without Arsenio Hall. They play off each other well; they should have made more movies together. James Earl Jones plays Akeem’s father, the King of Zamunda. Samuel L. Jackson, Louie Anderson and Cuba Gooding, Jr. have cameos. Shari Headley plays Lisa. She’s stunningly beautiful and I wonder why her career didn’t take off.

Eddie Murphy gets credit for coming up with the story, and David Sheffield and Barry W. Blaustein wrote the screenplay. Or did they? A guy named Art Buchwald wrote a script treatment for an Eddie Murphy vehicle in 1982. It went into development hell for a few years, and eventually was shelved. And then they made it in 1988 and Buchwald sued them. They settled out of court for an undisclosed sum. Pretty shady, but I think the studio is more to blame than Eddie Murphy.

This is a cult classic. It gave the world Sexual Chocolate and Soul Glow. It gave Eddie Murphy the idea he could do anything. It gave you a reason to forgive Eddie Murphy for shit like Pluto Nash and Norbit, and that’s saying something.

Critically Rated at 15/17

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April 13, 2012 · 10:55 am

Pen Cap

Pen caps are practical pieces of plastic. They keep your pen from getting ink everywhere and drying out. They keep you from accidently stabbing yourself with a ballpoint tip. They have a handy little clip that keeps your pen secure in your pocket or binder. It’s a great example of human ingenuity. They are useful as long as they are with their pen counterpart. A pen is still functional without a cap, you can still write without the cap. But a pen cap without a pen is pathetic and useless and slightly… like the expired condom in my wallet.

Critically Rated at 6/17

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April 12, 2012 · 10:01 am

The Zombie Apocalypse

I can’t wait for the Zombie Apocalypse. It is the ultimate Darwin test. When the zombies come you have to have a game plan. I’m pretty sure every guy has a plan thought out. I’m pretty sure my plan is better than yours.

We can all agree that food and weapons are the priority. Maybe making sure your family is ok, but if zombies appear and you aren’t within earshot, I’m just going to assume that you are dead. If we meet again, that’s cool, but protecting my ass takes priority over making sure you’re all right. When the zombies first show up, I’m heading straight for the sporting goods store.

The first thing I would grab guns and ammunition. Shotguns and handguns primarily, but a rifle with a scope is also acceptable. Those are good for practicing zombie headshots. After the guns and ammo you need a crossbow or two and a bunch of extra arrows.

After I grab a few weapons I would head over to the backpacking supplies. Weapons are the initial priority because now you can scare off all the other looters who might get your supplies. I would grab all the backpacking food that they have. They are practically indestructible, they last a long time, they have all the nutrients that you need, they are pretty portable, and they are easy to make, and I can’t cook for shit. While in the backpacking supplies section, make sure you grab water bottles and water filters. You can run from zombies forever but you can’t live 3 days without water. Trail mix and Power Bars are always good too.

Get a tent, a sleeping bag, cookware, a lighter, a flint, matches, fishing gear, a first aid kit, walkie-talkies, a survival kit with a whistle, a glow stick, a hammock, and a Leatherman. Swiss Army Knives will let you down; make sure you get a Leatherman. I know this is the zombie apocalypse and not a camping trip, so you can grab a machete too if it makes you feel better. Make sure you get a shovel. They are a decent weapon, and you’ll need it to bury your companions as they inevitably start dropping off.

In almost every single zombie apocalypse scenario the survivors drive around everywhere. They constantly have to worry about fuel. They always forget about bikes. They are quiet, reliable, and never run out of gas. And you can grab one at the sporting goods store that you’re currently raiding. Make sure it has rugged tires and good shocks. See if they have a bike trailer too so you can haul your gear around.

Now that you have the essential supplies, you can start recruiting people to create a new society. You want a doctor, a chef, a hunter, an architect, carpenter, and a lawyer. Every full moon you kill the lawyer. And then you replace him. Just like real life. If you can find a katana, take it. There is no better time than a zombie apocalypse to rock a katana.

Most people would go to major cities or find a secure building like a prison. I would go to the woods and build a camouflaged tree house city. Zombies can’t climb trees, and most people don’t look up. Imagine Kevin Costner’s Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves and the Ewok village. Now imagine zombies. Now imagine all the shit that I took from the sporting goods store…. Pretty damn secure, right? Out in the woods you are naturally more secluded. You would be able to hunt and maybe even grow and maintain a small farm or garden.

Of course there are a few flaws with my plan, but there are risks with associated with every conceivable scenario. It’s important to have a plan thought out, but you also need to be able to change it at a moment’s notice. You have to be ready for anything and adapt to any new challenge. What would you do? Where would you go first? What do you think is essential? What is your short-term plan? What is your long-term plan? I want to hear your ideas and steal from them.

Critically Rated at 16/17

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April 12, 2012 · 9:53 am

Incorrect Change

We’ve all been there before. It’s rush hour at the local convenience store. Your few items cost $7.84. You pay with a twenty. You get $2.16 in change and make it halfway home before you realize you’ve been shortchanged. You turn around and go back to the same cashier to logically explain your situation and get your money back. Only now he doesn’t recognize you. You’ve gone to the same store and dealt with the same people for more than a year. Yeah, you don’t know his name, but you know his face and you always acknowledge him. Isn’t that enough? Apparently not, now you have to take it up with the storeowner. They will nod and pretend to understand where you are coming from. Then they will side with their incompetent employee. Never mind the fact that you know what denomination you paid with, never mind the fact that they can review the surveillance tapes to verify what denomination you paid with… the customer is always wrong when payment is in dispute.

Critically Rated at 2/17

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April 11, 2012 · 10:11 am

The Quick and the Dead

Sam Raimi (Spider-Man, Evil Dead) directs Sharon Stone as The Lady, a deadly female gunslinger The Quick and the Dead. Sharon Stone enters a quick draw dueling competition in a small town run by Gene Hackman. Raimi directs an all-star cast and using every single cowboy movie cliché imaginable to create an original and entertaining period piece.

The Quick and the Dead pays homage to the early cinematic westerns that AMC used to show before they became a real TV network. They have the saloon and an evil sheriff and a hired gun and a reformed criminal and a trick shot expert and a clock tower and honor and redemption and revenge. But they also have a pretty diverse competition. There is an Indian, a black guy, a woman, a Swedish guy… pretty much anyone can enter if they want. And that’s nice and democratic.

There are a lot of stars in this movie. Some of them were still up-and-comers at the time, but some were established. Sharon Stone is the main character and Gene Hackman, Russell Crowe, Leonardo DiCaprio, and Gary Sinise all play supporting roles. There are also a lot of character actors that you will recognize from a bunch of different movies.

It’s not the best western, but it doesn’t try to be. It is more of an homage to cowboy flicks than an attempt to be serious. It is very stylized, and there are a lot of elaborate sequences that are very distinctive of Raimi. You can recognize his style a mile away. It’s a B movie with a budget. It has heart. Being made with love makes it better than it is.

Critically Rated at 11/17

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April 11, 2012 · 10:06 am

Shoebox

A shoebox is a box that holds or once held a pair of shoes. The name is kind of misleading; it makes you think that there is only one shoe inside. It should be called a “Pair of Shoes Box”. Shoeboxes are very practical. You can use them to hold a pair of shoes like the name suggests. But once you’ve purchased the shoes and they are on your feet, the box has a whole bunch of exciting career opportunities. It can be a box that you store money in. Perhaps a young child can use it to make a diorama for English class. You can use it to hold knick-knacks or assorted memorabilia from your childhood. You can even put a bunch of useless shit in it, bury it, and call it a time capsule. The possibilities are endless. I currently have four shoeboxes in my room, and only one of them has shoes in it. The rest have urban treasures. Shoebox. Shoebox. Shoebox. Word has lost all meaning.

Critically Rated at 11/17

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April 10, 2012 · 10:00 am

Escalators

Americans are lazy. Escalators are proof of that. We need moving stairs. Elevators make sense. In a skyscraper they are the fastest, most efficient way to move people and cargo to different floors. Handicapped people rely on them. But if you can walk, you can probably walk up stairs. Moving stairs are just a novelty that became a staple in shopping malls.

Department stores and businesses like escalators because they speed up consumer foot traffic. People walking up moving stairs get to the top faster than people walking up stationary stairs. The problem is with people who don’t walk up the escalator. That’s counter productive. They are lazy. And they stand stationary, side-by-side so I can’t get by.

I am always careful to make sure my shoelace doesn’t get sucked into the escalator. That would be a shitty way to go. At least you would become an urban legend… that’s a decent legacy.

 

Sometimes escalators break. And people walk over to them and grumble about how the escalator is broken and now they have to take the stairs. And then they walk over to the stairs. And they walk up the stairs grumbling about how they have to walk up the stairs. And I laugh at them because a broken escalator is stairs. They could have just walked up the broken escalator. But they would rather be stupid and complain. Americans are funny.

Critically Rated at 8/17

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April 10, 2012 · 9:56 am

Blue Ribbon

Blue Ribbons are the official prize of both science fairs and county fairs. I think that’s a lame reward. Imagine that you worked really hard all fall, winter and spring, and now your pig is perfectly big and plump, and you won First Place for Best Pig. You earned First Place. And to commemorate your perfect pig you get a Blue Ribbon. Fuck that, if I win something, I demand a trophy. Keep your blue cloth to yourself and give me a 3 foot tall piece of fake gold plated plastic. Blue Ribbons are cheap, just look at PBR.

Critically Rated at 5/17

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April 9, 2012 · 11:21 am

Team America: World Police

The world is in trouble, and only Team America: World Police can save it. Trey Parker and Matt Stone created South Park, and they are back on the big screen again, and this time they have puppets. Trey Parker is a genius. Matt Stone is lucky he works with a genius.  And we get to watch what they create.

Team America is a parody of Michael Bay movies and other action films, done with marionettes. The puppets are top of the line, the sets are impressive and detailed, and the script is very witty and clever. But they never let you forget the fact that the characters are puppets. They play around with it, showing the puppets looking at real life Washington D.C. monuments, using regular house cats as jaguars, and even knocking a puppet over with the camera. The fight choreography looks like as amateur as you can get, but is hysterical because of the intense music they use.

An actor by the name of Gary Johnston is recruited to join Team America, because they believe he has the acting ability to save the world. He’s reluctant to join at first, but decides that he must give up his dreams for freedom. Meanwhile Kim Jong Il is planning a peace ceremony hosted by Alec Baldwin as a diversion to launch a global terror attack. Can Gary’s acting ability help Team America save the world?

Not only is this a great comedy, but it’s a terrific musical. There are some memorable songs like “America, Fuck Yeah”, “Freedom Isn’t Free”, “I’m So Ronery”, and the “Montage” song. “Freedom Isn’t Free” is one of the best country songs of the last ten years.

It’s a very political movie obviously, but you’ll notice they don’t bash George W. Bush. He’s not even mentioned in the movie at all. The opening scene in Paris where the team saves the day but destroys the city sums up how the world views Americans and how Americans view themselves. And there are hardcore puppet sex scenes.

This is a funny movie. It is a smart movie. It pisses a lot of people off, but it makes a lot of people happy. A good piece of art will be controversial. That’s what this movie is, art. Trey Parker is an artist. Matt Stone is lucky he knows an artist.

Critically Rated at 14/17

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April 9, 2012 · 11:14 am

Crystal Geyser Juice Squeeze Key Lime

Crystal Geyser has a line of healthy soda alternatives called Juice Squeeze. They market them as “a natural and delicious sparkling juice refreshment”. And it has 70% juice! It has a USDA approved full fruit serving in every bottle! A beverage that is approved by the United States Government is good enough for me, and I bought a bottle like a good little consumer. I got the Key Lime flavor, because I was in a rambunctious mood, and wanted something zesty. It tasted like a sparkling watered down version of a dessert classic. It’s decent but I wasn’t blown away or anything. If I was stuck on a desert island and this was all there was to drink, eventually I would drink seawater.

Critically Rated at 9/17

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April 8, 2012 · 9:52 am

White Water Summer

Long before Kevin Bacon was a creepy guy on The River Wild, he was a creepy guy in White Water Summer. White Water Summer is about a kid named Alan (played by a young Sean Astin), and a few other kids who go on an extended backpacking trip with an older guide name Vic (played by Kevin Bacon). Vic uses the trip to teach the kids valuable life lessons, but in dangerous and careless ways. Alan has a problem with this, and the two of them butt heads and the tension between them rises.

Sean Astin narrates the movie in an extensive interview that’s intercut throughout the film. It’s very jarring, especially because it was filmed two years after the rest of the movie. He looks way older, is sitting on a chair in the woods,  he’s wearing a Hawaiian shirt, and it seems like a blatant rip-off of Ferris Bueller or something. It doesn’t suit the tone of the movie.

The bulk of the movie is filmed outdoors. It makes you want to go camping. There are a lot of cool scenes and shots of them hiking and canoeing, and it makes you want to get outside too.

Vic tries to teach the boys to respect nature. He just wants them to respect it the same way that he does. He teaches them fishing techniques, but gets mad when Alan does things his own, more effective way. Vic wants the boys to become men, he just does it in an over the top manner. Alan is just a little whiney bitch who thinks that he is the shit because he is a teenager. Granted Vic is fucked up in the head, but his heart is in the right place. Alan is stubborn and unwilling to listen to a point of view that differs from his own.

There is a part of the movie where the boys and Vic part ways. The boys all end up huddled together, sleeping on the ground, some of them using their sleeping bags as pillows. WTF? Did it not dawn on any of the actors, producers, writers or director to have them actually sleep in the sleeping bags? Seriously, that shit bugs me more than any nitpicky thing I’ve seen in any movie. FUCKING SLEEP IN YOUR SLEEPING BAG, THAT’S WHAT IT IS FUCKING FOR.

So anyway, at one point Vic breaks his leg, and Alan must use his wilderness skills to get him safely off the mountain. It is a very anti-climactic ending. Vic doesn’t go totally crazy, and Alan never kills him in self-defense. The whole movie builds up a tension that only escalates into a mutual respect for each other. This is America, we want violence and death.

This is a lame movie. It is not a classic. It is not very good. I am only writing about this because I saw it on HBO a few weeks ago and was duped into watching the whole thing. If this is your favorite movie, I am pretty sure that we are not friends.

Critically Rated at 3/17

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April 8, 2012 · 9:45 am

Cherry 7 Up

The classic lemon-lime soda gets a cherry flavor boost. Cherry 7 Up is essentially a prepackaged Shirley Temple without a cherry garnish. It’s not as sugary as a Shirley Temple that you would get in a restaurant because they use grenadine. It’s kind of refreshing, but also really sugary and syrupy. And there’s no caffeine. It’s a decent soda, but there are a thousand better drinks out there, and there’s no need to waste your time on this one.

Critically Rated at 6/17

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April 7, 2012 · 8:59 am

Marvel 1602

Neil Gaiman’s Marvel 1602 is his return to writing comics after a five-year absence. It’s a welcome return. The eight issue series isn’t some of his most intellectual material, but it’s a fun read. Gaiman is a master of storytelling and he brings lots of characters from the Marvel Universe and real people from history together in a comprehensive and cohesive way. Superheroes have appeared about 400 years too early, because of a rift that threatens the universe. Dr. Stephen Strange and Sir Nicholas Fury must find a way to prevent the end of the world.

A bunch of Marvel characters show up as old-timey versions of themselves. They have different but older versions of their names, like Peter Parker is Peter Parquah, and Charles Xavier is Carlos Javier, etc. Instead of mutants, they are referred to as “witchbreed”. Subtle twists like this add to the flavor of the story. Real historical figures play imports roles in the plot. Queen Elizabeth dies and is replaced by the crazy and powerful King James. Virginia Dare plays a central role. She was the first English baby born in America. She was part of the Roanoke Colony, which disappeared in real life, but was saved in this alternate universe by a huge white Indian named Rojhaz.

So there’s the main story about noticing the world is in trouble, finding out what’s wrong and how to fix it, and some people are good and some people are evil, and some people change loyalties, and eventually good defeats evil, and the world is saved. What’s cool about this story is that it celebrates history. Both Marvel history and world history. It’s a big “What If?” storyline, and it’s fun to explore all the different incarnations of well-known Marvel characters. The artwork is impressive, and the cover art also stands out.

Neil Gaiman is a great writer. This is him having fun writing. There are a lot of Marvel in-jokes and references. It spawned a few sequels, but this one is the best. He crams in a lot of characters, but keeps the storyline pretty easy to follow. There’s a good twist with Rojhaz and it makes you kick yourself for not realizing who he was earlier. Neil Gaiman is legit. Shitty last name though.

Critically Rated at 13/17

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April 7, 2012 · 8:54 am

Toothpicks

A quick visit to Wikipedia told me that toothpicks are the oldest known dental instrument, and predate the arrival of early modern humans, and were even used by Neanderthals. Knowledge is power, arm yourself with that. A lot of people like to chew on toothpicks. Even when they don’t have anything stuck between their teeth. It’s kind of weird to constantly have a toothpick in your mouth. You don’t see people sucking on toothbrushes all day long. The best toothpicks are the ones with a little cube of cheese on it.

Critically Rated at 11/17

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April 6, 2012 · 9:16 am

The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen, Volume One

Alan Moore is a genius. The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen is proof of such. There are a few volumes out already, this rant is about the first Volume. A bunch of characters from Victorian literature work together to recover a stolen item in order to prevent an aerial attack on British soil. Mina Murray, Allan Quaterman, Hawley Griffen (the Invisible Man), Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde, and Captain Nemo are the Extraordinary Gentleman (and Woman). A bunch of other literary characters also make cameos, it’s rewarding to whoever paid attention in English class.

Kevin O’Neill’s artwork is scratchy and rough, a good fit for Moore’s storytelling. It feels old fashioned, and it captures the vibe of Victorian London.

It is quite a chore to take characters from different authors and different genres and be able to tell a story that would actively involve all of them. It’s a pretty dense story, and Moore is able to give each character time to develop and contribute to the action. A lazy author would be content merely writing famous characters into an original story, Moore makes them his own and gives them something to advance the plot.

There’s a lot of steampunk technology, but it’s nowhere near as obnoxious as Wild Wild West. I won’t even comment about the League of Extraordinary Gentlemen movie fiasco. That shit was just insulting.

This is a cool comic book. It is essential reading if you like Alan Moore. You can bring up this book in literary conversations and advance the dialog. It’s a very smart comic, you have to have read classic literature to know these characters. Moore assumes that you know them, or at least know about them, and brings them together in a clever way.

Critically Rated at 14/17

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April 6, 2012 · 9:05 am

Starburst Sour GummiBursts Liquid Filled Gummies

The makers of Starburst have a new chewy fruity candy out now. They are like wannabe Gushers, but with less gushiness. There is a little liquid filled center, but it is such a miniscule amount that you would just think it was a flavor burst and not a liquid burst. There’s nothing mouthwatering about liquid filled gummies. Do you really want to enjoy a candy that has liquid bursting from it? I’m slightly weirded out by that concept, and I don’t think that I’m alone.

Critically Rated at 4/17

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April 5, 2012 · 10:04 am

Modern Marvels

If you are watching the History Channel, there is a 75% chance that you are watching Modern Marvels. Modern Marvels is an hour long show about everything from engineering disasters to fast food tech to breweries, there is not much that the show doesn’t cover. The show gives you a brief history of the topic, and then they delve into how it’s developed and explains the technology behind it.

It’s an interesting show, but certain topics are more interesting than others. No matter what, you learn a thing or two or seventeen things about whatever subject they are happen to be covering. Who knew that truck stops were so fascinating? There have been over 660 episodes over 18 seasons, so there is bound to be something to tickle your fancy.

 

Check it out sometime, but there’s no need to set the DVR for this show. It’s interesting but not life changing. If you watch the History Channel, you either watch this show or Ancient Aliens. Modern Marvels will make you slightly smarter. Ancient Aliens will make you paranoid and cost you a few friends.

Expand your mind and kill some time with this show. Ignore the shitty shows like Ancient Aliens and Monster Quest. History Channel, make up your mind if you wanna be smart or superstitious.

Critically Rated at 11/17

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