Tag Archives: pants

Ripped Jeans 

 Ripped jeans are either really cool or really stupid. It all depends on where the rip is. If the knee is ripped, that’s stylish and hip. If the crotch is ripped, your day is probably ruined. I have a pair of jeans with frayed back pockets. I’m reluctant to keep my wallet in them, but they look fashionable so I wear them every now and then despite their diminished functionality. Some people buy news pairs of jeans that are already ripped. I don’t believe in that. I believe that rips should be earned. There should be a story behind them. You should rip your jeans while running from a mountain lion while hiking. You shouldn’t rip your jeans with scissors because Oprah says it’s trendy. I don’t know why denim looks good ripped, but it does. You don’t see people walking around with ripped cargo pants or ripped yoga pants. I have a theory that jean shorts were accidentally invented when a ripped knee got out of control.  

Critically Rated at 12/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Snakeskin Pants

Once upon a time, about eleven years ago or so, I was invited to an ’80s party. That’s when you dress up in attire from the wonderful decade known as the 1980s. I didn’t have anything that could pass off as ‘80s, so I went to the thrift store. I found a pair of snakeskin pants for forty bucks. I bought them. I wore them to the party and received plenty of compliments (as I should have). If there was a contest, I would have won that shit. I’m not trying to brag, I’m simply trying to stress how amazing my pants were. My pants are still amazing in fact. I still have them and I rock them every so often when the situation calls for them. I wore them for Halloween this year for instance. I was an ‘80s zombie rock star.

I live in San Francisco and there’s always an occasion for wacky clothing. We have Bay to Breakers, Hardly Strictly, and random street fairs. Every true San Franciscan has some absurd clothing in their wardrobe. I have a leather trench coat, a shiny green silk shirt, and a camouflage Snuggie for instance. But my snakeskin pants are still the reigning champ of my absurd wardrobe. I don’t see that changing anytime soon.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Pants

Pants are an article of clothing that cover your ass, legs, and junk. They typically go from your waist to your ankles, or from your ankles to your waist depending on how you look at it. Some countries call them trousers, but here in America we call them pants. Foreigners wear trousers. Muricans wear pants. There are many different types of pants. There are jeans, leggings, Capris, ass-less chaps, breeches. There are also many different ways to hold your pants up. Most people prefer belts, hipsters and old people go for suspenders, and some rugged individuals use rope, extension cords, or duct tape. Pants are interesting because the word is both singular and plural. It’s also a noun and a verb and a contradiction, like when you pants somebody in gym class. It’s contradictory because you‘re taking off somebody’s pants when you pants them. I like pants. I wear them every day except when it’s my day off and I don’t have to. Oh yeah, I forgot to mention that chicks can wear pants now too thanks to the women’s liberation movement. What a time to be alive.

Critically Rated at 13/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Pants That Swish When You Walk

I went for a hike the other day. I was walking at a leisurely pace, taking tons of pictures of plants, trees, and wildlife. I was by myself and enjoying every minute of it. That is until two middle-aged ladies appeared on the trail behind me and shattered the peace and quiet. They weren’t talking loud or being rude, but one of them was wearing pants that made an audible swishing sound with each step she took. You could hear a swish swish whenever she made a stride. I don’t know if she was just inconsiderate or simply clueless, but it takes a special kind of person to wear pants that swish when you walk on a ten-mile hike. I’m not a violent person but I wanted to smash her in the face and it would have been completely justified. Swish pants should be illegal. These are the types of issues that politicians should be focusing on.

Critically Rated at 4/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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