March 8, 2013 · 10:25 am

Knowing You’re About to Throw Up

You’re waking up the morning after a long night of drinking and you know that something’s not right. Your head is pounding, your stomach is hurting, and your mouth is salivating excessively. You, my friend, are about to throw up. You better hope nobody is using the bathroom because you’re going to spew your guts out any second now. Excessive saliva is the most obvious warning sign. If your mouth starts watering and you have to spit every five seconds then you know that you’re about to yak. Your biggest concern now is just getting to the toilet before you erupt. Knowing you’re about to throw up is a terrible feeling, but at least you have some form of an early warning system to prevent you from puking all over yourself.

Critically Rated at 7/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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March 8, 2013 · 10:21 am

Break Room

Most businesses have a break room for their employees. It’s a place to relax before and after your shift, during lunch breaks, and somewhere to hide when you feel like being lazy. Most break rooms have a few tables and chairs; some of the better ones have couches, refrigerators, or TVs. When I worked at Circuit City they had a big screen TV with a PS2 connected to it. There was never anybody on the floor because all the employees were busy playing a never-ending Tekken tournament in the break room. I got paid $9 an hour to get really good at Tekken, I think that technically qualifies me a pro gamer. Break rooms are like high school. It’s where you do most of your socializing with your coworkers, the people that you see almost every day. There’s a hierarchy and there are cliques in the break room. You can’t just sit wherever you want, there are rules here. Unwritten ones.

Critically Rated at 13/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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March 7, 2013 · 10:17 am

Big Fish

Big Fish is a 2003 fantasy film and quite possibly Tim Burton’s masterpiece.  Billy Crudup stars as William Bloom, a writer who is trying to connect with his dying father. He feels like his relationship with his dad is like two strangers who happen to know each other extremely well. The problem is that William was never able to connect with his father. His father was a traveling salesman with a passion for telling tall tales and embellishing the truth, and he feels like he never knew the real person behind the stories.

The film is framed by an elderly Edward Bloom (played by Albert Finney) who is bedridden and slowly fading away. The story flashes back to a younger Edward (played by Ewan McGregor) doing fantastic things and having amazing adventures. He meets a giant, a werewolf, Siamese twins, a witch, and has a few encounters with a particularly big fish. On the surface this is a modern fairy tale. But it’s really about reconciliation. Edward and William have a broken relationship. Everything Edward ever told William was embellished and elaborated. William thinks that everything his father told him was a lie. They are bonded by blood but don’t have much in common.

This film is more sophisticated than Tim Burton’s other films. It’s more adult and decidedly less gothic. There is a great supporting cast including Jessica Lange, Danny DeVito, Steve Buscemi, and apparently a young Miley Cyrus. Helena Bonham Carter is in it too and Danny Elfman provides the score. Johnny Depp is the only Burton Regular who doesn’t show up.  I guess there wasn’t a part for a pale pedophile. This is the type of movie that you can watch with your parents and feel like you’ve bonded. Real art effects emotion. This film is art.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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March 7, 2013 · 10:14 am

Gravity Hill

A gravity hill is a place where physics gives up and lets the ghosts fuck shit up. A car will in neutral will roll uphill, defying gravity and the basic laws of nature. Some people will tell you that it’s merely an optical illusion and that you’re on a slight downward slope even though it looks like you’re going uphill. Those people don’t know how to have fun. It’s more interesting to pretend like there is some supernatural or paranormal phenomenon at work. Even if you know that it’s just science, it’s still fun when common sense lies to you and things aren’t what they seem. Every town has a haunted house, but only a few places are lucky enough to have a gravity hill. Use the Google to search for ones in your area and check it out with a few friends (works best while stoned). Approach it with an open mind and have fun.

Critically Rated at 13/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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March 6, 2013 · 9:54 am

Batman: Hush (comic)

Jeph Loeb’s story has everything that you like about Batman. If you like Batman, you’ll like Hush. A mysterious villain (who calls himself Hush) is playing a game with Batman, a game of sabotage and revenge. Hush manipulates and uses some of Batman’s greatest enemies to try to destroy Batman once and for all. Batman has to figure out who is trying to kill him and why before he ends up dead. And he doesn’t wanna die because he just started hooking up with Catwoman and she’s kind of hot.

So someone is trying to kill Batman, someone who knows his secret identity, his strengths, his weaknesses, how he thinks. Someone who wants him to suffer. Someone from his past. But Batman’s pissed off a lot of people, so there are a lot of suspects. One of the main themes of the book is family. Bruce Wayne is an orphan, but he still has a family. Catwoman points out that he has a lot of strings for a loner. He has attachments to Nightwing, Robin, Oracle, Huntress, Jim Gordon… Bruce Wayne has a lot of attachments too: Alfred, Leslie Thompkins, Thomas Elliot (his best friend since childhood). He is far from alone.

Jeph Loeb knows how to tell a good story. There are a lot of familiar characters, a semi-original plot, and more twists than an M. Night Shyamalan movie. Jim Lee’s sketches are gritty, provocative, and larger than life, and Scott Williams brings them to life with his inkwork. This is a good solid Batman comic, satisfying and rich.

Critically Rated at 15/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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March 6, 2013 · 9:50 am

Tangerine Wheat

Wheat beers taste better with a fruit garnish. It’s why Blue Moon gets an orange slice. It’s why hefeweizen gets a lemon. But sometimes I’m lazy and want a wheat beer with fruit flavor already added. That’s when I get Tangerine Wheat from Lost Coast Brewery and Café. Tangerine Wheat is a wheat beer with tangerine flavor. Lost Coast is best known for making Great White and Tangerine Wheat is almost like a sequel to Great White. It’s like Great White with tangerine in it. It’s a refreshing and fruity beer. Some people say it tastes like beer with Tang in it. I think those people have no idea what a tangerine tastes like. Maybe they’ve never experienced a tangerine. Either way, the 5% alcohol content is low enough that you can drink these for the entire barbeque and still feel like you can drive home. And the citrus undertones will mask any trace of alcohol. I’m not saying you should drink and drive. I’m saying that Tangerine Wheat is a good choice if you want to.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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March 5, 2013 · 10:45 am

Courtesy Wave

There are a lot of aggressive drivers on the road these days. You see a lot of people cutting off other cars, following too closely, neglecting their turn signals, and planting the seeds for a road rage tree. There are a lot of dick moves that you can pull that will piss off other drivers. If you cut someone off or almost crash into them, you can erase the tension with a simple courtesy wave. The courtesy wave is an easy way to say sorry for being an asshole or show your appreciation for an act of kindness. That simple hand gesture can save your life, especially if you’re driving in Los Angeles. If someone lets you back out of parking spot during rush hour, you better give them a courtesy wave. The courtesy wave is not an excuse to drive like an asshole, it’s a way to let other drivers know you’re sorry for driving like one.

Critically Rated at 13/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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March 5, 2013 · 10:42 am

Stall Man

I am a stall man. I have nothing against urinals. I will use the urinal if I have to. But if I go into a public restroom and have a choice between a stall or a urinal, the stall will win every time. You have a greater sense of privacy. You can take your time and be a little more relaxed, sometimes your peter needs some time to get comfortable before anything starts flowing. There can be a little performance anxiety at the urinal sometimes, especially when other people are waiting in line. It’s kind of weird knowing that other guys are standing around watching and waiting for you to pee. The stall alleviates some of that pressure. Just try not to pee on the seat.

Critically Rated at 12/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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March 4, 2013 · 10:44 am

Rampage Imperial IPA

Rampage Imperial IPA is an India Pale Ale brewed by Black Diamond Brewing Co. from Concorde, California. This is a full flavored beer, hoppy, malty, and bitter with citrus undertones. It also has a 9% alcohol content. If that’s not enough of a selling point for you, maybe the label art will persuade you. It has a rampaging elephant with demon eyes bursting out from a bunch of hops. It stares you right in the face, daring you to try this beer. And you don’t turn down an angry elephant. You will try this beer. The demon elephant demands it.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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March 4, 2013 · 10:42 am

Knocking Something Over and Catching It Before It Falls

You’re talking to your friend and telling a dramatic story using sweeping arm gestures for emphasis when you accidently hit a bottle on the table. It slowly tips over and starts to fall, it’s about to shatter into a million pieces, but then your superpowers activate and you snatch the bottle out of the air with the speed of a mongoose. Knocking something over and catching it before it falls is the closest thing to heroism that most of us will experience. You feel like your quick reflexes averted a disaster. In reality, your clumsiness almost caused an accident. It’s a classic example of being a winner and a loser at the same time. Oh well. No harm, no foul.

Critically Rated at 12/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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March 3, 2013 · 9:40 am

Birthday Beer

It’s your friend’s birthday and you want to get him something but you don’t want to go overboard. I recommend buying him a birthday beer. You can pick up a 6-pack of something nice, a 12-pack of something decent, or buy a round at the bar. All options are acceptable. Birthday beer is a perfectly valid present for anyone that is 21 or older. 18 if you’re European. Everyone wants to get drunk and nobody wants to pay for it. I’m sure you friend will appreciate the gesture. Don’t buy beer for anyone that you want to sleep with. That’s what wine and hard alcohol are for.

Critically Rated at 13/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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March 3, 2013 · 9:37 am

Riding Backward on Public Transportation

Riding backward on public transportation makes some people nauseous. Some people can only face the front when they are the bus or train. And that works fine for me. Anyone that can’t handle riding backward on public transportation is a friend of mine. They are less competition. They can only sit in half the seats and that means twice as much seating is available for me. I wish I could feign sympathy, but I secretly relish the fact that you get dizzy facing the opposite direction. I must be a better person than you if I can sit in more places, right?

Critically Rated at 11/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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March 2, 2013 · 8:54 am

Wheelchair Dogs

If you’re feeling down or depressed, you should go on the Internet and watch videos of wheelchair dogs. It will make you feel better. I’m not trying to make fun of paralyzed dogs, I’m trying to point out that dogs are pretty simple creatures. They just want to run around and be loved. And it’s pretty sad when a dog can’t run around and play. That’s why customized wheelchairs for dogs are a good thing. Now Spot can roll around, chasing sticks and other dogs. That wheelchair gave him his life back. He doesn’t care that he’s stuck in a chair, he doesn’t feel sorry for himself, he’s not embarrassed or ashamed… all wants he wants to do is chase that squirrel and now he can.

Critically Rated at 15/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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March 2, 2013 · 8:52 am

2-Liter Bottle of RC Cola

I know that I’ve written about RC Cola before. In fact, I gave it a terrible review and said that it was never worth getting again. That was before I saw that they only charge 99¢ for a 2-liter bottle of the stuff. That’s cheaper than bottled water. It’s still a mediocre soda, but it’s fucking cheap and so am I. Coca-Cola will always be my soda of choice, but sometimes my wallet has more influence than my taste buds. And on those occasions I shall grab a 2-liter bottle of RC Cola and ask you not to think less of me.

Critically Rated at 10/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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March 1, 2013 · 10:02 am

Hamper

A hamper is a storage bin for your dirty clothes. It’s kind of like a trash can for your wardrobe. You just throw your shirts and socks and underwear in the hamper at the end of the day. After a few weeks it will be overflowing with dirty clothes and you’ll have to do laundry because you have nothing else to wear. You can’t be a functional adult without having a hamper. You can’t keep your used clothes in a heap on the floor or in a trash bag in your closet. Well you can, but you probably won’t get laid anytime soon. So go to the hamper store and buy a hamper if you don’t have a hamper. Then put your dirty clothes in it, then do the laundry when it’s full, and then repeat the process until you die.

Critically Rated at 12/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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March 1, 2013 · 10:00 am

ATM Machine

When smart people need money they go to the ATM. When dumb people need money they go to the ATM machine. I lose respect for anyone who says “ATM Machine.” It’s like they are going out of their way to be stupid. ATM usually stands for Automated Teller Machine, so you’re saying Automated Teller Machine Machine and that’s retarded. There is an exception: sometimes ATM stands for “Ass to Mouth.” If that’s the ATM you’re referring to, then it’s ok to say ATM machine. It’s acceptable as long as it’s descriptive and not redundant.
Critically Rated at 4/17
Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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February 28, 2013 · 9:09 am

American Gods

            Don’t tell Harry Potter this, but American Gods is my favorite book. This is the book that I suggest when people ask me what book they should read. Neil Gaiman is an English author who writes about America better than anyone else. In American Gods he takes you all over America and captures the magic and mysticism of the US. It’s almost impossible to describe what the story is about without telling you the whole damn story. Imagine a road trip/mystery novel involving fighting gods and a quiet protagonist with a thing for coin tricks and that’s American Gods. It’s quite an experience.

            There’s this big guy named Shadow who gets out of prison and his life is in shambles. He has no job, his wife is dead, and he has nowhere to go. A mysterious stranger (it’s always a mysterious stranger) offers Shadow a job. And Shadow accepts and finds himself in the middle of a war between gods. There are old gods from Norse and Egyptian and Christian beliefs and there are new gods, gods of TV, technology, and drugs. Gods exist because people believe in them, they get their power from sacrifices made in their honor, whether you sacrifice your time, money, perform a ritual, whatever. Shadow and his boss go all around the US, from small towns to big cities and all the sacred places in between. He even has sex with a cat lady at one point, if you like that kind of thing.

            If that sounds interesting at all then should definitely read this book. And if you want to read it, then you might as well go ahead and buy it because you’re going to reread it. This is a really good book and you deserve good things in your life.

            Critically Rated at 17/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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