Ahmed Best

Ahmed Best is an actor and musician. He’s released a few albums with his group The Jazzhole, he’s performed nationally on stage in Stomp, and he was in the biggest movie of 1999. He did everything right in order to become a successful working actor…. But he played the worst character in cinematic history, in one of the most disappointing films of all time. Ahmed Best is Jar Jar Binks.  What movie ruined the Star Wars franchise? The Phantom Menace. Why did the Phantom Menace suck so bad? Because George Lucas fucking hates me. And Jar Jar Binks was in it. Stupid, racist, annoying, CG stereotypes can make a bad movie even worse. And Ahmed Best will tell you that shitty parts mean a shitty career.

Critically Rated at 7/17

Leave a comment

Filed under People I Feel Sorry For

Men in Black (film)

Steven Spielberg produces, Barry Sonnenfeld directs, and Tommy Lee Jones and Will Smith are the Men in Black. Men in Black is based on a comic, but I never read it, so I have no idea how faithful to the source it is. This is your basic buddy cop movie, but with aliens and dated CGI. Tommy Lee Jones plays Agent Kay, a member of the Men in Black, a secret organization that controls extraterrestrial life on Earth. Will Smith plays Agent Jay, the newest MIB recruit.

Will Smith annoys me. He plays the same exact character in all his movies… He is cocky and goofy at the same time, and I hate that I don’t hate him. He seems like such a douche, and still seems cool. At this point in his career he already played a cop and he already saved the world from aliens. It was really quite a stretch for him to play an agent who saves the world from aliens. His training sequence in the beginning is one of the highlights of the film. The other potential candidates, each one representing a different branch of the military, can’t think outside of the box. Jay uses his common sense and succeeds in recognizing that aliens aren’t as much of a threat as a little girl with a Calculus book. It’s a good introduction to the MIB world.

Vincent D’Onofrio plays the main villain, a farmer whose body is taken over by a Bug. He does a great job. He is terrifying and intimidating, way more than the giant cartoon cockroach that he transforms into at the end. Tommy Lee Jones is a badass as always.

There are a few cool ideas about aliens and galaxies. The galaxy on Orion’s belt… the reveal that our own galaxy is just one of many galaxies encased in marbles that giant aliens play with… heavy stuff bro. Just hit this joint and think about it. This movie was really just a vehicle for Will Smith to act like Will Smith for two hours. And that song; that fucking terrible song. I’ve been to more than one middle school dance where a bunch of awkward teens stumbled through those steps.

A fun movie and a good start to a decent franchise. The second movie was enjoyable, and the third one looks promising. Josh Brolin as a young Tommy Lee Jones? Sounds good to me.

Critically Rated at 12/17

Leave a comment

Filed under Entertainment

Q-Tips

Ear wax is gross and it has gotta go. That’s when you need a Q-Tip. I know that doctors and professionals say that you aren’t supposed to use Q-Tips to clean your ears anymore. That’s why I don’t go to the doctor. Q-Tips are the best way to get rid or earwax, and I like sticking things in my ear. It’s comforting. I think its mindboggling how much goop my ears can produce from listening to customers’ bullshit all day.

Critically Rated at 11/17

Leave a comment

Filed under Random Rants

American Weed

American Weed is NatGeo’s reality show about the medical marijuana industry in Fort Collins, Colorado. It’s a clone of Discovery Channel’s Weed Wars. American Weed primarily follows dispensary owner Josh Stanley and his pot growing brothers as they battle an evil anti-marijuana advocate to determine the fate of medical cannabis in Fort Collins.

The show takes you behind the scenes of the industry in every way possible. You meet a few owners of dispensaries. Some, like the Stanley brothers are in the business for the love of it. They grow their own product and run their clinic with pride. They are advocates for the industry, and are politically active in the fight for legality. There are other owners like the John and Dawn Clifford. They are in the business for profit, and Dawn is super delusional and dreams of returning to an imagined modeling career if marijuana doesn’t pan out.

You meet anti-pot advocates like Scoot Randall. He is extremely active in preventing Fort Collins from going to pot. He leads picket lines and does radio and TV interviews spreading anti-weed propaganda. He stretches the truth and uses blatant lies to get his message across. He’s definitely behind the times, and its nice to see random civilians cussing him out and calling him misinformed.

American Weed spends a lot of time with patients who need weed. There is a broad age range, from college students to little old grannies, who rely on marijuana as medicine. Some people are in such chronic pain that it’s criminal to deprive them of any form of relief. If medical marijuana is banned, these are the people who suffer the most. Not the capitalists.

Some time is spent with law enforcement as they track down violators of grow laws. Most of the time they deal with people without a card growing, or someone with a card growing too much. Sometimes they deal with stupid people who grow their plants outside where kids can get at the buds. Those dumbasses deserve to get caught.

The times are a-changing. And even if Scoot Randall can’t see it, America can. More and more people are actively trying to decriminalize marijuana. The public generally sees its medicinal value. Shows like American Weed and Weed Wars are doing their part to inform people of the benefits of marijuana as a medicine and as a legitimate business industry. Do your part and watch them. Preferably while stoned.

Critically Rated at 12/17

Leave a comment

Filed under 420

Peanut M&M’s

The classic bite-sized chocolates in a colorful candy shell get a peanut center in this upgrade. People like salty peanuts. People like sweet chocolate. People like small orbs that they can eat. If you haven’t tried Peanut M&M’s at this point in your life, I’m guessing you have a severe nut allergy. If you’re ever bored, I suggest you try a handful of these delicious candies, and then immediately inject yourself with an EpiPen. It’s totally worth it.

Critically Rated at 13/17

Leave a comment

Filed under Snacks

Identity Crisis

Brad Meltzer’s Identity Crisis is a “who-done-it?” murder mystery involving superheroes. Someone is targeting family members of the Justice League. What lengths would you through to protect your family? Especially if you have superpowers and actually do something?

Sue Dibny, wife of the Elongated Man, is mysteriously killed. But how? And by who? How did someone discover who she was and kill her without leaving a trace? A few Justice League members suspect Doctor Light. There was a little incident a few years earlier where he snuck in JLA headquarters and raped Sue. The Atom, the Elongated Man, Hawkeye, Green Lantern, Black Canary, Flash and Zatanna walk in on it, and decide to erase his memory and alter his personality. Is it ethical to do mind-wipes and personality alterations? Eventually more family members of JLA heroes are attacked and more mind-wipes are revealed. Shit goes down.

There is a very clear story being told. I know a lot of DC loyalists are mad that some characters are changed drastically or killed off, but if you are somewhat new to comics you can follow the story. It’s the most welcoming, least confusing of the Crisis storylines (Crisis on Infinite Earths, Infinite Crisis, Final Crisis). It’s a good detective story, and the final reveal was pretty shocking. There’s more of a focus on lesser known heroes like the Elongated Man, the Atom, Tim Drake a.k.a. Robin, and their civilian family members that they care about.

I like the Elongated Man’s quick backstory about how he and Sue got together. She was around heroes all the time, big ones like Superman, Batman, and the Flash. But she chose him. “That’s why ice cream stores don’t just sell chocolate and vanilla. Every once in a while someone walks in and orders butter pecan”. Yeah, that’s corny, but it makes the heroes relatable.

 

Great artwork by Rags Morales and Michael Bair. An intriguing and comprehensive plot by Brad Meltzer. Identity Crisis is a good read.

Critically Rated at 13/17

Leave a comment

Filed under Entertainment

Clipping Toenails

Have you ever waited a few weeks before cutting your toenail? And been pleasantly surprised at how big it is? Not just how big, but how smooth and perfectly formed it is? I made that! That came from me! I am a man. This is the closest to the miracle of giving birth that I can experience. Thank God. Well trimmed toenail clippings are little man babies.

If you are a little, old Asian lady, you clip your toenails on the bus. And you always sit next to me. You are gross.

Critically Rated at 12/17

Leave a comment

Filed under Random Rants

Game Change

Game Change is an HBO original film about Sarah Palin and the 2008 presidential election campaign. Jay Roach (Austin Powers?!?, Meet the Parents) directs Julianne Moore as Sarah Palin, Ed Harris as John McCain, Woody Harrelson as campaign senior strategist Steve Schmidt, and Barry Obama as himself.

Before I get started let me just say that I’m not a Republican. I’m not a Democrat. I don’t vote; I think it’s a hollow privilege. But I think politics are fascinating. This film feels like a documentary and you get an inside glimpse of the GOP and how modern campaigning works.

John McCain’s presidential campaign has hit a snag. Obama is just too popular. He is the man, he is a rock star. McCain brings in Steve Schmidt to get his campaign back on track. Steve figures the best way to do that is to find a charismatic running mate, a game changer. They eventually stumble upon an unknown governor from Alaska who just might be what they need. Sarah Palin gets thrust into the national spotlight, something that she was mentally, emotionally, and politically unprepared for.

Palin isn’t ready to be on the main stage. She has a concerning lack of simple US history, she doesn’t have any grasp of foreign policy. She thinks that Saddam Hussein attacked America on 9/11. She seems pretty damn stupid at times. But, man oh man, can she talk to people. She can relate to them. She is a rock star like Obama; she’s just in a shittier band.

Julianne Moore is Sarah Palin. It’s uncanny how well she portrays Palin. She captures her charisma when she delivers speeches, and humanizes her in private, intimate moments. You feel like you are watching home movies of her, and not some HBO flick produced by Tom Hanks. There’s one scene where Palin’s deployed son calls her from Iraq to wish her luck in a debate. After the brief conversation, tears well up in her eyes and Steve asks if she needs a moment. “My son is safe. My son is safe,” is her response. Politics are important to her, but family means everything.

Ed Harris does a great job as John McCain. He sort of acts as a wise grandfather figure. He worries about Palin’s emotional and stress levels, he cares about her. He recommends sending her to the desert so she can avoid a breakdown and have some time to relax. He also defends Obama from racist Republicans, saying he’s a decent family man. Woody Harrelson’s portrayal of strategist Steve Schmidt is the glue that holds the movie together. His 60 Minutes interview bookends the film. He is given the impossible task of making McCain more popular than Obama and trying to control Palin.

This is an interesting movie showing the behind the scenes chaos of an historical election. You see how much help Palin needed to be presentable to the public. She is put under a microscope and almost has a nervous breakdown. She sits and stares blankly at the walls. She fights back tears as she sees Tina Fey’s scathing SNL impersonation of her. You feel bad for laughing at a real person. That’s what this movie did: it turned Sarah Palin into a real person. This is more than a good movie about politics; it’s just a good movie.

Critically Rated at 13/17

Leave a comment

Filed under Entertainment

Baby Ruth

Baby Ruth is an American candy bar. It has peanuts, chocolate flavored nougat, caramel and a chocolate coating. It tastes like a generic Snickers bar. The name is a blatant rip-off of Babe Ruth. The makers claim it’s named after President Grover Cleveland’s daughter Ruth. That’s bullshit. I know it. You know it. They know it. Babe Ruth knows it. It’s a decent candy bar; it just pales in comparison with Snickers.

Critically Rated at 11/17

Leave a comment

Filed under Snacks

The Princess Bride

Rob Reiner’s directorial fairy tale masterpiece. A grandfather reads The Princess Bride by William Goldman to his sick grandson, and the film jumps into a rich fantasy world with swordsmen, pirates, giants, Rodents Of Unusual Size, six fingered men, and true love. Definitely fantasy.

The story follows a young farmhand named Westley (Cary Elwes) who loves the beautiful Buttercup (Robin Wright). He goes out to seek his fortune so he can marry her, but shit happens along the way. She gets engaged to Prince Humperdinck, and Westley gets kidnapped by the Dread Pirate Roberts. Life throws you curveballs I guess.

A trio of criminals kidnaps Buttercup. They are lead by the short and wannabe clever Vizzini (Wallace Shawn); the noble Spanish swordsman who is avenging his father’s death, Inigo Montoya (Mandy Patinkin); and a gentle giant named Fezzik (Andre the Awesome Giant). A mysterious man in black is hot in pursuit. He turns out to be the Dread Pirate Roberts, and eventually frees Buttercup. She hates him for killing Westley, but in a twist worthy of an M. Night Shyamalan, it turns out it is Westley! Hooray, he didn’t die.

They can’t be together though, because Buttercup is still engaged to Humperdinck. Humperdinck has a hidden agenda. He wants to kill Buttercup and frame a rival nation for her death so he can go to war. He has Westley imprisoned and tortured.

A bunch of stuff happens and eventually Inigo Montoya and Fezzik ally themselves with Westley and they storm the castle, free Buttercup, avenge their fathers, defeat the evil Humperdinck and escape on horses.

This is a great movie. Guys like it. Girls like it. Kids like it. Really old, decrepit people like it. It’s a movie you can watch with your family or your friends. It brings people together. Simply a timeless film. Hollywood, I am begging you, don’t ever do a remake or a prequel or unnecessary sequel. Let good movies stay good.

Critically Rated at 16/17

Leave a comment

Filed under Entertainment

David Sunflower Seeds Original

I can’t wait for the Major League Baseball season to begin, and so I will write about the game’s official snack. Hot dogs and Cracker Jack are typical stadium junk food, but it you want to act like you’re in the game, you need sunflower seeds. And no brand of seeds is better than David. David sunflower seeds are consistent in size and flavor, with the occasional salt lump thrown in as well. The bag calls eating seeds a “snacktivity.” That’s clever and true, you have to do some work to eat seeds. Amateurs can only eat them one at a time, but if you are a stud like me, you can store a handful in your cheek like a hamster and use your tongue and teeth to de-shell them. If you can eat the kernel and spit out the shell without biting your tongue then you are doing it right. Good for you. I take back all that shit I said about you.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Leave a comment

Filed under Snacks

Crisis on Infinite Earths

DC had a problem. By 1985, over 50 years of heroes, villains, multiple timelines and alternate Earths had created a heaping pile of confusion. Marv Wolfman was tasked with creating a story that could simplify the DC universe and make it more accessible to new readers, and fix continuity problems. It’s a somewhat confusing story about good versus evil and the Multiverse.

So there are two omnipotent beings, one is good, one is evil. The Monitor must recruit heroes and villains to save the Multiverse from the evil Anti-Monitor. The Multiverse is a universe with multiple Earths and worlds. There is an Earth-1, Earth-2, Earth-B, etc. There are multiple incarnations of each DC character, and there are differences between each version. If you aren’t confused, you aren’t paying attention. It seems like virtually every DC character, famous or obscure, makes an appearance. If you aren’t too aware of DC, you might want to avoid this comic. There are a lot of characters and plot points that are too hard to follow if you are a newb.

There is a lot going on. This is not a simple read. Characters die, whole Earths die. It becomes somewhat convoluted to remember who did what when, and which who did what. Crisis on Infinite Earths is similar to X-Men 3… there’s a bunch of characters running around doing things, and you recognize a lot of them, but you don’t care about most of them. And when it was over you have a lot of questions, but overall you were entertained.

It tries to simplify the DC universe. It just does it in a confusing way. Read it if you like DC. Avoid it if you don’t. There are a lot of notable deaths, so if you’re morbid, you can read it for that.

Critically Rated at 12/17

Leave a comment

Filed under Entertainment

Twix

Two for me, none for you. Twix are cookies bars with caramel and a chocolate coating. They are delicious. As George Costanza will tell you, Twix is the only candy with the cookie crunch. They come typically come in pairs of two per pack. Wikipedia tells me that they are called Twix because they are “twin sticks”. That makes sense. If you are an American, you love cookies, caramel, and chocolate; a candy that provides all of the above is proof that God loves us and wants us to be diabetic.

Critically Rated at 13/17

Leave a comment

Filed under Snacks

Scream

Wes Craven’s Scream was the best horror film of the ‘90s. It is also Neve Campbell’s best movie (her best scene is in Wild Things though). This is a scary movie that also spoofs the clichés of the horror genre. It’s very meta and self-referential, but it does it subtly and doesn’t throw it in your face. It has a lot of funny moments, but no gags or jokes. It’s a horror satire, not a horror parody.

It has a good cast with Neve Campbell, David Arquette, Courtney Cox, Rose McGowan, Matthew Lillard, Jaime Kennedy and Skeet Ulrich. Drew Barrymore has a brief cameo in the introduction. Spoiler alert: she dies. It was a surprise to see her bite the dust so quickly; you just assumed that she would be in the whole movie. It’s even more awesome because Drew Barrymore sucks and she should die in the first ten minutes of any movie she’s in (except E.T.).

David Arquette’s Deputy Dewey is goofy and provides some comic relief. But Jaime Kennedy’s character is the funniest in the show. He is a film buff and kind of a dork, but he knows the rules of scary movies. He knows what to do and not to do, what to say and not to say. He shares his knowledge with the other characters and the audience. If you ever get trapped in a horror movie and want to survive, you better remember Randy’s rules.

The movie is kind of dated now. The ‘90s hair and wardrobe are weird looking. If you have a cell phone you are a suspect. The plot still holds up though. The whole backstory with Sidney’s whorish mother and the wrongful incarceration of Cotton Weary was pretty cool. It comes up in the sequels too. The twist at the end where it is revealed that there are actually two killers was well written. But seriously look at how shady Billy Loomis is. Did you have any doubt that Skeet Ulrich was the killer? Matthew Lillard does a great job transitioning from being funny to being psychotic.

The Ghostface mask has reached iconic status. It is instantly recognizable, and it makes the Scream killer as identifiable as Michael Myers or Jason. The voice is what really makes it terrifying though. It could be anyone under the mask. The actors never met Roger L. Jackson, the voice of Ghostface, they had no idea what he looked like.

Scream is a cool movie. It’s funny, scary, and smart. It inspired a new wave of horror movies aimed at teenager and twenty-somethings. Urban Legend, I Know What You Did Last Summer, Jeepers Creepers… all of these are riding Scream’s coattails. Scream did it first and did it better. What’s your favorite scary movie? Probably this one.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Leave a comment

Filed under Entertainment

Vanessa Lee Chester

You have probably seen Vanessa Lee Chester on the big screen before. You probably don’t remember her. She played Jeff Goldblum’s daughter in The Lost World: Jurassic Park. I feel bad for her. She did everything right in order to become a successful working actor. She started doing TV and small film roles, and eventually gets cast in a Steven Spielberg movie, a sequel to the then currently most successful movie of all time. Too bad it was a terrible movie and she played a terrible part. Her character was just another burden for Ian Malcolm to have to deal with. She spends most of the movie running around with Jeff Goldblum, Julianne Moore, and Vince Vaughn, so no one noticed her. At least she got to kick a velociraptor to its death. That’s cooler than anything I’ve ever done.

Critically Rated at 9/17

Leave a comment

Filed under People I Feel Sorry For

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1

The final book of the Harry Potter series was split up into two movies released six months apart. David Yates, the director of the fifth and sixth movies, comes back to finish up the epic saga. Splitting up the movie into two parts was a great idea. The book is rich and dense with material, and the previous movies left so much out, there was no conceivable way to make a two-and-a-half hour movie that would wrap everything up in a satisfactory way. The two parts of Deathly Hallows are the most loyal to the book since Chamber of Secrets. It makes the film much more enjoyable if you’ve read the books.

Daniel Radcliffe, Rupert Grint and Emma Watson all do a great job again. The last few movies would have been terrible if they had to recast. This Potter flick didn’t have any 3D. There were only a few scenes that would have benefitted from looking extra dimensiony, so it doesn’t really affect anything. The special effects were amazing, one of the highlights being the scene with the decoy Harrys.

Harry, Ron, and Hermione decide that destroying Voldemort’s Horcruxes is cooler than going back to school. The three of them embark on a mission to identify and track down the mysterious objects that house fragments of Voldemort’s soul.

Voldemort has taken over the Ministry of Magic. Harry has become a fugitive along with his two best friends. Ron gets all moody and bitchy and storms out on Harry and Hermione. They celebrate by dancing awkwardly. Eventually Ron comes back (what a relief) and the three of them continue on their quest.

Hermione reads aloud the story of the Deathly Hallows, and they jump to an animated sequence of the Peverell brothers and how they cheated death. It is reminiscent of the Japanimated O-Ren Ishii sequence in Kill Bill Vol. 1. It’s unexpected and an interesting moment that was unlike anything else previously seen in the Potter movies.

It’s a great adaptation of the book. With the extended running time, there is no reason to rush or cut out important parts from the novel. It’s a bit disheartening when they show so many vital parts from the book, but don’t delve into Dumbledore’s backstory. That was a huge part of the book because it makes you question Dumbledore’s integrity. The film lags and drags for a bit when Harry and friends are hiding out in the wilderness, but the book was like that too. The escape from Malfoy Manor and Voldy getting the Elder Wand is a great way to end the film with a nice cliffhanger. It’s a good way to wrap up the movie and leaves you gearing up for the final chapter.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Leave a comment

Filed under Entertainment

Bud Light Platinum

There used to be a very simple test to determine one’s cheapness. If a person goes to a bar or restaurant and orders a Bud Light, they are cheap. Ordering a Bud Light is one step up from ordering an ice water, a bunch of lemons, and a shit ton of sugar packets to make your own lemonade. But now there is Bud Light Platinum, and as much as I love to bash Bud drinkers, this is the new light beer of choice. It has a hefty 6% alcohol content, and it still tastes like a light beer. Bottom line is that it is super drinkable and that alcohol percentage will sneak up on you. Anheuser-Busch finally realized that giving Bud Light a wheaty or lime flavor isn’t nearly as awesome as making a light beer that will fuck you up faster.

Critically Rated at 14/17

1 Comment

Filed under Drinks