Category Archives: Random Rants

Everyday items like money to days of the week to common situations.

Using Hand Gestures on the Phone

Every once in a while you catch yourself doing something stupid. Like using hand gestures on the phone for example. You’re in the middle of a passionate discussion and you’re using hand gestures to stress your point. Then you realize that they can’t see you, but other people can. And you look like an idiot. The more you flail your arms, the more attention you draw to yourself. Using hand gestures on the phone is a deterrent to talking on the phone in public. If you’re going to bug other people with your phone call, you might as well look like an asshole.

Critically Rated at 6/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Crop Dusting

Crop dusting is the art of discreetly farting at a specific target as you casually pass by. You can crop dust an empty area (but that’s not fun). Most of the time you’re aiming at a specific person or a group of assholes. It’s pretty easy. Just build up some gas, nonchalantly walk by, and as you approach the target you let ‘er rip. Just make sure it’s silent and you don’t shit yourself. Don’t get caught. If they know that you just farted on them, you failed, and they will rightfully get pissed at you.

If you’re new to crop dusting, you should probably start off by crop dusting babies and dogs. Babies can’t narc on you and they’re crying all the time anyway. Dogs can’t talk and have a heightened sense of smell, so it’s the perfect crime. Practice makes perfect, but don’t get carried away.

Critically Rated at 13/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Early Morning Construction Work

If you use a jackhammer at 9:00 a.m. on a Sunday morning, you are a jackass. Early morning construction work is bad enough during the week, but it should be a crime on the weekends. People have the right to sleep in. They should have the right to kill an early morning construction worker. I know they are just doing their job, but there are a lot of jobs that don’t require waking up the entire neighborhood. Silence is golden so shut the fuck up.

Critically Rated at 4/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Asking Someone What Ethnicity They Are

Both of my parents are multiracial and I am a mutt, a mixed breed with multiple ethnicities. I don’t look white. And I’ve noticed that if you aren’t white or black, it’s apparently an open invitation for people to ask what race you are. What the fuck does it matter? I’m American. That’s where I’m from, that’s what I am. Unless you are a census taker, you should never ask someone what ethnicity they are. You shouldn’t even care. That’s why Latinos and Asians never ask white people what ethnicity they are. Because they don’t give a fuck. It doesn’t matter what a person looks like. You wouldn’t ask an elderly lady how old she is. You wouldn’t ask a guy in a sailor suit if he’s gay. So why would you ask what race someone is? Don’t be a census taker. If you’re going to be asking personal questions, ask about hobbies, goals, and dreams. Not about the color of my skin.

Critically Rated at 7/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Losing a Pet

Losing a pet is like losing a family member. Except your pet never judged you, talked back to you, or insulted you. They might have shat on your floor and pissed on your clothes, but they never did anything to hurt you. Unless they bit you. But I digress… losing a pet sucks. The love and bond you share with a dog or a cat is enough reason to wake up and get out of bed each day. Having something to love and care for is a reason to live. But dogs and cats don’t live that long in the scheme of things, and they die for one selfish reason or another. And it hurts, and you feel devastated, depressed, and alone. People who never lost a pet don’t know the agony. They ones who have offer you sympathy. I’d rather have my dog back.

Critically Rated at 1/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Getting a Bad Phone Call

Everyone texts these days. So when your dad calls you, your mom calls you, and your sister calls you all in rapid succession, you know that something bad has happened. Either Grandma just died or they finally found her body. Chances are that someone is hurt, sick, dead or dying when you get that many calls from family members. Maybe they have to put your dog to sleep. You sure as hell didn’t win the lottery. You know you’re probably getting bad news, you try to prepare yourself, and it still doesn’t help. At least it’s a phone call so nobody can see you cry.

Critically Rated at 5/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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The Miracle of Life

The miracle of life is not that you exist… It’s that you exist despite impossible odds. Think about it. Every single living organism came from another organism before it. In the case of complex life, you only exist because your parents existed and copulated and you popped out. You go back further and your parents only existed because your grandparents existed and they copulated and popped out your parents and somehow your parents met and out of all of his sperm and her eggs, you were the end result. And you go back further: your grandparents came from your great-grandparents, and on and on it goes. You can trace your fucking family tree all the way back to amoebas in theory.

It’s amazing to think that everything alive is only alive because their parents fucked and their parents before them fucked and all life is derived from the successful fucks that end up in births. So if you die a virgin, you might go to heaven but you didn’t contribute to anything down here.

Critically Rated at 17/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Five Hundred

Five hundred is a pretty decent number. It is halfway to a thousand. That’s what this is. It’s the landmark 500th post on Critically Rated. Before this, I didn’t know that there were 500 things worth Critically Rating. Now I don’t know if I can stop judging the world. Five hundred posts is kind of a milestone. And you’re reading this too, so you are a part of history now. Congratulations. We did it.

Critically Rated at 13/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Dead Bird Roadkill

Mankind created the wheel and then we created roads. And then we ran over animals and started calling it roadkill. Most of the time the roadkill in question is a creature like a skunk or raccoon, sometimes a deer, and occasionally a dog or a cat. They are mostly animals that walk to get around and they have no choice but to cross over highways, roads and streets.

So if you see a dead bird roadkill, that bird either was trying to die or deserved to die. That fucker can fly over the road, safely out of harm’s way. It’s a fucking bird. It should be in the sky, not on the fucking street anyway.

I know there are flightless birds that don’t have a choice, but I think they are just being lazy. They have wings, I can see them right there. So flap them and fly, you stupid penguin.

Mama ducks parading their ducklings into traffic doesn’t impress me either. Ducks are waterfowl. They should be in the water, not playing in the street. My mom taught me that what I was a kid. The mother duck isn’t setting her kids up for success pulling stunts like that.

A bird that ends up as roadkill is a failure. It literally failed at life and got hit by a car and died. I don’t feel sorry for dead bird roadkill and neither should you. You can’t reward stupidity.

Critically Rated at 8/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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“That’s What She Said!”

A lot of things get old. Not “That’s what she said!” jokes though. The brilliance of “That’s what she said!” is that it is a spontaneous reaction to a victim of awkward phrases. In the old days if someone said something that was vaguely sexual nobody would acknowledge it. Now you have to say “That’s what she said!” It’s a habit, it should be an impulse, and you shouldn’t even have to think about it. If someone says, “That won’t fit,” or “I’m still sore from the weekend,” your immediate response should be “That’s what she said!”

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Saying Goodbye

If you’re living your life right, you’ve probably met a few people. You might have even formed friendships or had relationships with some of them. But life has a way of plodding along. Things change and people move away. You have to make the most out of the time that you have together, because the good times won’t last forever. Inevitably, you’ll end up saying goodbye to someone that you don’t want to leave. It sucks, it hurts, and it’s sad having to say goodbye. But that’s life and you can’t stop living. The only good thing about goodbyes is that you have another excuse to get drunk.

Critically Rated at 3/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Belly Buttons

Belly buttons are freaky reminders that you once lived in your mom’s vagina. There two main classifications of belly buttons. You have your standard “innie” and you have your creepy “outtie.” You want to be an innie because nobody likes outties. Adolph Hitler was an outtie. Mother Theresa was an innie. Walt Disney didn’t even have a belly button.

It feels weird to poke your belly button with your finger. Try it. Just don’t let anyone see you fondling your belly button because they will judge you.

Pierced belly buttons are sexy. On girls. Dudes should generally avoid getting a naval piercing.

Critically Rated at 12/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Catching Up With An Old Friend

You meet people, you form friendships, and sometimes you drift apart. It’s nobody’s fault, it’s just a fact of life. In the old days, they would just be a distant memory. Nowadays, Facebook makes sure you know when their birthday is. At least once a year you can post a message on their wall and reestablish contact without being a creeper. Then you will inevitably make plans to meet up and hang out like you did in the glory days. Catching up with an old friend is one of the best things in life. Especially when you can just pick up a conversation where you left off, despite it being months or years since you’ve last seen each other. You might not hang out all the time now, but they are always there for you.

Critically Rated at 15/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Unnecessary Apostrophe’s

If you go onto Facebook, you’ll notice some people add unnecessary apostrophe’s. Like that one. You took the time to add the apostrophe so others wouldn’t think that you are stupid, and you’ve failed miserably. Congratulations. It’s probably better to just exclude the apostrophes from your Facebook statuses. If you leave them out, people will just assume you’re lazy rather than retarded.

Critically Rated at 6/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Forgetting Why You Walked Into a Room

You’re sitting in the living room and you get up to grab your phone charger from your room. You walk down the hall, confident that you’ll succeed with this easy mission. You go into your room and glance around before realizing you don’t know what you’re looking for. You’ll ask yourself out loud, “What the hell did I come in here for?” You start picking up random objects in the hope that something will click. Something about walking through a doorway causes a brain fart and you experience a temporary bout of Alzheimer’s. Forgetting why you walked into a room can drive you crazy. But if you go back to the original room and think real hard, you might remember your fucking phone charger.

Critically Rated at 8/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Forgetting the Stamp

I know it’s a rarity to send anything by mail these days, but it still happens. Because it happens less and less, we have forgotten many simple aspects of sending something by snail mail. Like writing down the desired address correctly, or putting down the return address, or (most importantly) not forgetting the stamp.

If you forget the stamp, your letter or package or gas bill isn’t going anywhere anytime soon. And if you also forget the return address it ends up in the Land of Missing Socks. That sucker is gone forever. And it’s your fault for forgetting the stamp.

Critically Rated at 6/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Talking on the Phone on Public Transportation

If you are on the bus, train, ferry, or some other form of public transportation and your phone rings, you have two options. You can do the right thing and ignore the call, or you can answer your phone. It’s understandable to answer your phone. But you should mention right off the bat that you’re on the bus so you can’t really talk. You find out what they want and you end the conversation.  But if you answer and proceed to have a loud and glorified conversation for more than five minutes, you are blissfully ignorant of how rude and obnoxious you are. It’s even worse if you’re the one calling people on public transportation. You are scum and you should know that.

There’s this thing called Other People. You might want to continuously be yakking on your phone for thirty minutes, but Other People don’t want to be forced to eavesdrop on your lame but loud conversation. Other People don’t give a shit about your day, and they don’t want to hear about it.  No one wants to listen your stupid conversation about how drunk you were last night and how mean your boss was today because you were hungover. And you talk a lot of shit about your friends to whoever you’re talking to.

Who calls people anyway? It’s text or bust. Especially on the bus.

Critically Rated at 6/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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