Category Archives: Random Rants

Everyday items like money to days of the week to common situations.

November 12, 2012 · 12:32 pm

Cleaning Your Room

Cleaning your room is one of the first steps to being a responsible adult. Your parents constantly nagged you to clean up your room when you were growing up and you hated them for it. Then at a certain point in middle school you realize that a messy room is kind of embarrassing. You would tidy up and try to make it look presentable before friends came over. Then you grew up and went to college and realized that your roommate doesn’t like it when you leave your shit all over the place. So you started really cleaning your room, mostly to be respectful to your roommate, but also so that any late-night hookups wouldn’t change their mind when they see how you live. Cleaning your room is important. It’s just a shitty chore that never ends.

Critically Rated at 7/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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November 10, 2012 · 11:19 am

Fighting for the Armrest

Humans are very territorial creatures. We put white picket fences around our lawn and yell at little kids for stepping on the grass.  There are very few situations as awkward as fighting for the armrest with a complete stranger. You want to arrive to your seat first on the plane or at the movie theater so you can establish control of an armrest and preferably both of them. You need your elbow support. It sucks when you get to your seat a little late and both armrests are occupied. You have to wait until someone moves his arm and you can casually but quickly sneak your arm onto the rest. It’s yours now. He didn’t call dibs.

Critically Rated at 13/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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November 9, 2012 · 11:07 am

Movember

Each November, millions of men around the world put down their razors and grow a moustache to raise awareness about prostate cancer. They call this magical month Movember. It’s a great way to be lazy and still feel helpful. If you’ve ever wondered how your life would be different with a moustache, this is the month to try it out. Everybody’s stache will look sleazy the first few days. If you still look like a tough thirteen-year-old after a few weeks, then you might want to reconsider your facial investment. Don’t feel bad, not everyone can be Ron Swanson. Especially not me.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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November 9, 2012 · 11:04 am

Asking How Long the Flight Was

Whenever someone comes back from vacation, everyone has a bunch of questions. Where did you go? What did you do? Where did you stay? How expensive was it? And for some reason someone always asks how long the flight was. It’s one of those stupid cliché questions that people only ask to keep the conversation going. Gee, Hawaii sounds like a tropical paradise but the flight is 7 hours so I’m not going. Generally speaking, the guy who asks how long the flight was is only asking so he can one-up you and brag about his 14 hour flight. Just nod your head and pretend to be impressed with his ability to sit on his ass for extended periods of time.

Critically Rated at 8/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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November 8, 2012 · 10:44 am

Poker Night

Girls get together and go to brunch. Guys get together and have a poker night. Mimosas and cantaloupe are nice and all, but I prefer beer and gambling. Someone volunteers their house, a few guys bring poker sets, and everyone else brings booze and snacks. You decide on a game (you can’t go wrong with Texas hold’em), everyone puts in their cash and gets a stack of chips, and the next couple of hours are spent sitting around the table laughing, joking and occasionally crying. You feel great when you bluff your way to a big pot, you feel agony when you get a bad beat on the river, and you try to survive getting knocked out long enough to at least win your money back. Poker is kind of like Mario Kart: you can do everything right, be winning the whole time, and still lose when a random blue shell takes you out. That’s why I love it and that’s why I hate it. But poker nights are always fun.

Critically Rated at 16/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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November 6, 2012 · 9:02 am

Election Day

So it’s the first random Tuesday of November and it’s finally Election Day. This is a big one too. Who will win the presidency? This cookie cutter candidate or that one? It’s so exciting knowing that whoever wins will spend the next 4 years getting our country into more wars and more debt. What a great time to be alive. The best part about Election Day is that we have two and a half years before another presidential campaign starts up again. This country will continue to go down the drain until we get rid of the Electoral College and political parties. And we will never get rid of either. Remember George Washington? Our first president and inventor of the quarter? He was opposed to political parties and foreign entanglements. You think he would like the state of the union these days? I doubt it. Amurika.

Critically Rated at 2/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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November 4, 2012 · 8:41 am

Daylight Saving Time

First things first: it’s daylight saving, not daylight savings. You are saving daylight. People like to stick an “S” on the end of words unnecessarily for some reason. Maybe it makes them feel important. The trick to remembering whether or not to turn the clock forward or backward is easy to remember: Spring forward, Fall back. It works most places except the southern hemisphere. Most clocks change automatically in this futuristic world that we call home, but there’s always some idiot who is oblivious to the time change.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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November 3, 2012 · 9:58 am

Ringtones

I remember those indestructible Nokia phones in the early 2000s. They had a hundred crappy ringtones built in. Now a phone only has a handful of ringtones. It’s almost as if they realized that ringtones are fucking annoying. Some people pay money to have a 30 second song clip as their ringtone. Cool, you have a custom ringtone. I still don’t want to hear it. Nobody else does either. So either turn off your phone or put it on silent. The only acceptable ringtone is vibrate.

Critically Rated at 5/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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November 3, 2012 · 9:55 am

Checking the Mailbox

I don’t know why I still bother checking the mailbox. I know that there’s no letters or postcards. It’s just bills, coupons and junk mail. There isn’t anything fun unless it’s your birthday week or Christmas time. At least then you can expect cards and checks and well wishes. The only reason to check the mailbox these days is to make sure you don’t have any late fees for ignoring bills.

Critically Rated at 7/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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November 1, 2012 · 10:34 am

Fog

One of the best things about living in San Francisco is watching the fog roll in. A lot of tourists gripe about the fog and complain about how cold it is. They don’t appreciate it. Fog is nature’s air conditioning. San Francisco is perfectly comfortable while the rest of California is suffering from a heat wave. The weather stays pretty consistent all year round. Fog is a basically a big ass cloud. A really foggy day is like living in a cloud. It’s pretty awesome except for the lack of visibility. Who needs to see where they are going though?

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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October 31, 2012 · 8:16 am

Picking Up a Coworker’s Shift

You have the day off and plan on taking advantage of it. Until your phone rings. It’s your coworker and she wants to know if you’ll pick up her shift today. You politely say no, but she senses weakness and keeps on pressing you. She starts begging and whining and bullshitting why she needs you to work for her. She starts offering incentives like picking up any shift that you don’t want. You know she won’t ever actually return the favor, but at this point you just agree to work for her so she’ll shut up. So she ends up with the day off and you end up at work. How did that happen? I guess it’s better to make money but I prefer being lazy.

Critically Rated at 6/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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October 30, 2012 · 9:46 am

12:34

A lot of people agree that 12:34 is the best time of the day. Perhaps I should be more specific. 12:34 is the best time of day on a digital clock. It’s not that impressive on analog. And it happens twice a day unless you’re European or in the military. Some people make a wish at 12:34. It won’t come true, but they will still make a wish every time they see it. How quaint.

Critically Rated at 15/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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October 30, 2012 · 9:43 am

Looking at the Sun

I’m a glutton for punishment so I sometimes stare at the sun. Not for too long. Just long enough to get spots in my eyes. I like to blink them away. It makes me feel alive. If I can stare at the sun, I can do anything. It’s empowering. It’s motivating. It’s starting to burn my retinas. Maybe it’s not a good idea to stare directly at the sun. I remember being 9 or 10 years old and watching a hawk with binoculars. That fucker flew in front of the sun. That shit still hurts. I think he did it intentionally.

Critically Rated at 10/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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October 29, 2012 · 8:54 am

Dr. Scholl’s Massaging Gel Insoles

If Dr. Scholl is a real person, he probably has a foot fetish. Dr. Scholl’s makes a few different products for your feet, but now they are known for their Massaging Gel Insoles. You are missing out if you haven’t started gellin’ yet. You just stick the insoles into your shoe and if feels like you’re stepping on a cloud all day long. You’re on your feet all day anyway; you might as well be comfortable. I’m gellin’ as I write this and my feet feel fantastic.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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October 28, 2012 · 10:36 am

Slow Internet Connection

Some people rely on the Internet to make a living. I use it to kill time. So I get fucking frustrated when my sites aren’t loading fast enough. I love the Internet. I’ve paid my dues. I lived with 56k and dial-up modems and downloading a song for twenty minutes and yelling at my mom for picking up the phone and kicking me offline. Now everything is wireless and everything is 3G or 4G. It’s 2012. It’s the Future. Most sites load instantly most of the time, but every once in a while my router will pretend like it’s 1997 and run slower than a fat kid at recess. My iPhone fails me occasionally too. No bars means no reception which means I’m disconnected from the world. It’s 2012. Waiting thirty seconds for anything is unacceptable and Google needs to hurry up. Fucking load already.

Critically Rated at 5/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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October 28, 2012 · 10:33 am

PF Flyers

PF Flyers are guaranteed to make you run faster and jump higher. PF Flyers are the ideal shoe for when a giant dog is chasing after you. Just ask Benny “The Jet” Rodriguez. If you don’t know about PF Flyers, then you probably don’t know about The Sandlot. Either way, you failed at life. PF Flyers look kind of like Converse Chuck Taylor All-Stars, but Chuck Taylors are played out. Chuck Taylors are like chickenpox: everyone has them at one point. PF Flyers are like smallpox: they are less common and more badass. One of the biggest contributions that I have made to society is adding the PF Flyers page to Wikipedia. They used to not have one, so I made one. Nothing remains of my original article but I still made the Internet better. That’s worth something. Right?

Critically Rated at 15/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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October 27, 2012 · 9:09 am

Hiking

If you like walking and nature then you might be interested in hiking. Hiking is glorified walking. It’s off-road, it’s extreme, it’s still just walking. But instead of walking on concrete you’re walking on a path or trail and every now and then you stop to look at trees. You might even take a picture of those trees to post on Facebook to prove to everyone else that you went hiking and that they are lazy and you aren’t. Not only is it great exercise, it’s also the only way to eat trail mix without being a hypocrite.

Critically Rated at 13/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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