Category Archives: Random Rants

Everyday items like money to days of the week to common situations.

Bucket List

A bucket list is a list of things that you want to do before you kick the bucket. Everybody’s going to die, but not everybody is prepared for it. You’re probably planning on living to be a hundred years old, but you could get hit by a bus tomorrow. It’s a list of things that you’ve always wanted to do but never did, a reminder to experience life firsthand. Most bucket lists are similar: tell the people you love that you love them, make peace with your enemies, go backpacking through Europe, go to Chicago for a slice of real deep dish pizza, etc. A lot of things on your average bucket list are dangerous, life-threatening activities like skydiving, river rafting, and yelling racial slurs in a bad neighborhood. Something about defying death makes you feel so alive.  Some people think that a bucket list is about dying. It’s really about living.

Critically Rated at 16/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Mini Maglite

            I was rummaging through a bunch of crap in my room and rediscovered my Mini Maglite. Maglite makes some of the best flashlights on the market, and the Mini Maglite is ideal for a keychain. And that’s where I put it, right on my keychain. A Mini Maglite isn’t as bright or powerful as its bigger counterpart, but it’s still better than most keychain lights. I’ve only been carrying it for a week or two, and it’s already come in handy a few times. I never realized how many dark places I walk though on a daily basis, but now I have a way to fight the darkness. I just need to grab my keys and then there is light. I don’t have to fumble through my phone for the flashlight app or stumble blindly through the dark anymore. I’ll still stub my toe somehow, but I’ll be able to see it when it happens.

            Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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A Blown Call

Umpires are humans and humans make mistakes, but that doesn’t make you feel any better when an ump blows a call and your team loses. Major League Baseball needs to accept the inevitable and embrace instant replay to review controversial calls. They already do it for homeruns, but they need to do it for plays at the plate too. Maybe each team can challenge a call twice per game or maybe they can challenge once every three innings. It wouldn’t be too much of a hindrance or slow the game down too much. The umpires seem to be the biggest opponent of utilizing instant replay. They need to shut the fuck up. It won’t put them out of a job or anything. The NBA, the NFL, the NHL all use instant replay and we never saw an influx of referees on welfare. Umpires are an integral part of the MLB, they aren’t going anywhere. There’s nothing wrong with technology, especially if it makes you do your job better. I don’t want to see any more perfect games getting ruined by an inept umpire. The future is now and human error should be a thing of the past.

Critically Rated at 3/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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New Toilet

I came home from work yesterday and noticed that something was different in my apartment. All the lights were off and my roommate’s door was wide open but there was no sign of him. And there was a new toilet in the bathroom and the old one was missing. I’m guessing that my landlord came in while my roommates and I were all out of the house and randomly changed the toilet that we’ve been bitching about for over a year. The old toilet had a cracked lid and the tank was constantly running. I thought that they were supposed to give us notice 24 hours in advance before entering our apartment, but I’m not going to complain about a toilet upgrade. Now I’m shitting in style, perched up on a shiny new throne. I’m going to be busy eating tons of Taco Bell and fiber the next few days… I gotta break this bad boy in.

Critically Rated at 13/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Eye Twitch

An eye twitch is an involuntary spasm of the eyelid. It’s caused by stress, fatigue, caffeine, or small bugs burrowing into your eyeball. It’s not that noticeable but it’s definitely annoying. It normally goes away after a few days, but it’s been known to plague people for a lifetime. My eye has been twitching for a few days now. I would say that it’s stress, but my life is pretty stress-free. The only thing I’m stressed about is this fucking eye twitch. And the more it twitches, the more stressed I get. It’s a vicious cycle. So if I’m talking to you and you think I’m winking at you, don’t flatter yourself. It’s just a small bug burrowing into my eye causing my eye to spasm at inopportune times. I really don’t like you. It’s eye bugs. I swear.

Critically Rated at 6/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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They Tagged My Recycling Bin

            I live in San Francisco’s Sunset District. It’s the largest and most populated SF district, but it feels like you’re in the suburbs as opposed to being in the city. There’s not much crime and it’s generally safe to walk the streets at night. But apparently there are gangs and they protect their turf, and I’m right in the middle of a turf war. I know this because they tagged my recycling pin. They actually wasted paint and sprayed graffiti on it. I know that they have to protect their illegal drugs, gambling, and prostitution rackets, but I had no idea that my cans, bottles, and ripped up junk mail are just as valuable. I think I’m going to quit my job and get in on the action now that I know there’s money in illicit recycling. Does anyone want to join my recycling gang?

            Critically Rated at 5/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

            

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Backing Out at the Last Minute

It’s easy to say that you’ll do something, but it’s easier to do nothing. People are inherently lazy. That’s why somebody is always backing out at the last minute. It doesn’t matter if you make a commitment a year in advance or the night before, it’s just too easy to back out at the last minute. They will be talking like they are going all day, but a hour or two before shit goes down they will call and back out. They will usually have two or three mediocre reasons for why they can’t make it, and they’ll always apologize halfheartedly: “I know I said that I would go to your wedding, but it’s 45 minutes away and there’s traffic. Plus I can’t stay out too late because I have to work in the morning. I hate to do this, but I have to bail.” Everybody has flaked at one point or another. But some people make a habit of it. It’s easy to make a commitment; it’s way harder to stay committed.

Critically Rated at 5/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Wet Naps

You’re at your favorite BBQ joint eating ribs, and you’re getting barbeque sauce all over the place because ribs are messy and you’re a slob. It’s always a good idea to grab a few extra napkins to keep the mess contained, but at the end of your meal you’re going to need a wet nap. A wet nap can also be called a wet wipe or a moist towelette. It’s an individually wrapped piece of moistened cloth or paper used for wiping barbecue sauce and fried chicken grease off your hands when you’re done eating. You use them after the meal, never before. If your hands are dirty before the meal, then wash fucking wash them in the fucking sink with fucking soap and fucking hot water. Wet naps are like a dinner mint: you only get them when you go out to eat, you only get them at the end of the meal, and your server is only going to give you one. It’s the perfect way to wrap up a messy meal.

Critically Rated at 12/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Finding Something That You Didn’t Know Was Lost

I was sitting in my room and accidently dropped some change on the floor. I got down on the ground to scoop them up and checked under the couch for any stray quarters. I didn’t find any more coins, but I did find my portable speakers. That was pretty awesome, especially since I didn’t know that they were even missing. Finding something that you didn’t know was lost is like finding twenty bucks in your pocket. You didn’t know that you forgot about it until it’s back in your hand. You feel like you won at life, like you got something for nothing. But you really just got a reminder that you’re irresponsible and don’t deserve it because you didn’t know it was gone. You should feel bad, instead you’re happy you got your shit back.

Critically Rated at 13/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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A Group of Waldos

I did Bay to Breakers the other day (I didn’t run it, I stumbled it). If you don’t know, B2B is a famous San Francisco footrace where everyone dresses up and gets drunk in public. You see lots of people wearing clever costumes and you also see a lot of terrible ones. Nothing is more terrible than a group of Waldos. I saw about seven or eight groups dressed up like the titular character from Where’s Waldo?, and each time I would get increasingly mad. The whole point of Where’s Waldo? is to find Waldo, which is hard because there’s only one Waldo. It defeats the purpose if there is more than one. There should only be one Waldo in the crowd, not five fucking Waldos standing right next to each other. Group Waldos should be banned. It’s not original, it’s not smart, and it needs to stop. So the next time Halloween or Bay to Breakers rolls around and someone suggests that you all dress up as Waldo, you should suggest that they go fuck themselves.

Critically Rated at 1/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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A Thousand Posts

So what does a thousand posts look like? A lot like this. This is my first outing into quadruple digits. I hope it’s as impressive for you as it is for me. I don’t know what a thousand posts means. I know I’m committed, I know that I write a lot, but a thousand posts is a milestone. Consider yourself fortunate to be a part of it. I know I do. I’m not sure what to write about, but I have no problem with patting myself on the back (because nobody else will). I started this site with the simple goal of posting a minimum of two articles a day. I’ve met that quota and then some. I never thought I would reach a thousand posts, and I didn’t even know there were that many things to write about. Working on this site has opened my eyes. Every day provides a new situation, another observation, and another unnecessary product that needs to be rated and judged. Cheers to a thousand posts and cheers to a thousand more. Thanks for visiting CriticallyRated.com.

Critically Rated at 16/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Lotto Pool

The Powerball jackpot was just at $600,000,000. That’s six hundred million dollars. That’s a lot of cheeseburgers. I was at work and casually mentioned that I bought a ticket and asked a coworker if he bought one too. Another coworker overheard and suggested that we start a pool. It seemed like a great idea, so we went around to all the different departments spreading the word. I started collecting cash and writing down names. We reached the initial target goal of $100 in less than an hour. Most people were eager to throw away ten bucks for the chance to win a few million. A select few refused to yield to stupidity. And bunch who were on the fence began to see how many other people were chipping in, and they decided that they didn’t want to be left out. After all, how shitty would they feel if we won and they missed their opportunity? Ten dollars per person adds up pretty quickly, and before you knew it we were up to $200, $300, and then $400 with no end in sight. I finally had to put a stop to it. I put a cap at 42 people in the pool so that we would buy a grand total of $420 dollars worth of lottery tickets. I thought that 420 would be a magical number to represent San Francisco. That would give us a total of 210 chances to win. Not great odds, but sufficiently more than my own mediocre $10 ticket. Being part of a lotto pool makes you feel like you have more of chance to win the jackpot (and you do). You still won’t hit the jackpot, but half the fun of playing the lottery is just wishful thinking. It’s fun to imagine that what if moment. The rest of the shift was spent dreaming and speculating and planning out how to spend our winnings. The joy was infectious. The possibility of 42 of us becoming instant millionaires simultaneously made the rest of the day fly by. And even if we don’t win this jackpot, there’s always another lottery and another day to win.

Critically Rated at 15/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Ball Soup

It’s a hot day, you’re running around, and you’re wearing jeans. You just inadvertently made a big batch of ball soup. Ball soup is as disgusting as it sounds. The main ingredients include your scrotum and sweat, with copious amounts of body odor thrown in. It’s pretty nasty and gets pretty rank. Ball soup is not something you want to see on the menu. It’s the main reason I avoid whitey tighties. Catching a whiff of ball soup will make you swear off the gym forever. They should invent a deodorant for down there. They should call it Scrote and it should be cedar-scented, a slightly musky scent that’s not overbearing. I’ve thought about this too much. Let’s end by saying that ball soup is gross.

Critically Rated at 5/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Personally Vacuum Sealed

I bought a bunch of bacon the other week because bacon is awesome and it was on sale. I probably bought more bacon than I should have (if there is such a thing), so I put the extra slabs into a big Ziploc bag and personally vacuum sealed it to keep it from spoiling. That’s when you close the bag almost all the way, leaving a small gap along the zipper. Then you wrap your lips around the gap and suck out the extra air from the bag before quickly zipping it all up. You could use a straw to suck out the air, but it’s faster to use your mouth (that’s what she said). You don’t need a commercial grade vacuum sealer if your reflexes are quick enough. Personally vacuum sealing items has a lot of benefits. It will keep your chips fresh, your bacon safe, and make fruits and veggies last longer. And it keeps your weed from drying out. So start sucking on Ziplocs and start saving money.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Wiener

There comes a time in your life when you have to stand for something, and I’ve decided that I’m bringing wiener back. It was an awesome insult on the playground that we stopped using as we gradually learned harsher cuss words and better comebacks. But it still holds merit, and more importantly, it’s fun to say. Try it. Refer to your roommates as those wieners that you live with. See how good that feels? See how liberating it is? Go up to a random guy on the street and call him a wiener. He’ll either start laughing or he’ll beat the shit out of you. He’ll just be confused most likely. It’s interchangeable with asshole, but not as scathing. It’s a friendlier way of saying fuck you. And it’s coming back. I’ve decided it.

Critically Rated at 15/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Clogged Shower Drain

A clogged shower drain is a terrible way to start the day. I woke up, shuffled down the hall to the bathroom, turned on the shower and started brushing my teeth while the water warmed up, which is my usual morning routine. I finished brushing, then stepped into the shower and instantly knew that something was wrong. It was like splashing into a puddle. The drain was clogged and the water level was rising. It’s a shower/bathtub combo so there was no danger of overflowing, but it was still quite disheartening. I wanted a shower, not a bath. I turned off the water and busted out the plunger. You know you’re going to have a shitty day when you’re using a plunger before you’ve even had a cup of coffee. After fucking around with the plunger for a while, I realized that it wasn’t doing much. In fact, it wasn’t doing anything. I ended up delaying my shower so I could slap on some deodorant and run to the store to buy some Drano. Then I had to pour the Drano down the drain and wait for another half hour while it did its thing. All in all, it took me almost 90 minutes to take a fucking shower. The things we do for hygiene.

Critically Rated at 6/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Canadian Tuxedo

Jeans are awesome. They are the best type of pants. They are comfortable, they are durable, and they look good with almost anything. The only thing that jeans don’t go with is a jean jacket. Rocking a denim jacket with a pair of jeans is a fashion faux pas. It’s commonly called the Canadian tuxedo. Yes, there is such a thing as too much denim. I have no fashion sense whatsoever, but even I know to avoid the Canadian tuxedo. A Canadian tuxedo is like opening the Ark of the Covenant, it might be a gift from God but you will die if you look at it directly. Only a few people can get away with it (mostly Canadians, Europeans, and some celebrities), most people need to be aware of excessive denim in their outfits.

Critically Rated at 7/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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