Category Archives: Random Rants

Everyday items like money to days of the week to common situations.

July 12, 2013 · 9:13 am

Video Call

A video call is similar to a phone call, but it also transmits video as well as audio so you can actually see who you are talking to and they can see you back. Videophone technology makes the world a smaller, more connected place. The other night I was at my friend’s house and he got a FaceTime call from his buddy in New York. We propped the iPad up on the table and it was like he was in the living room with us. We had random conversations, he showed us his latest purchases, and we laughed and joked for at least an hour. That was the first time I met him, and we were three thousand miles away from each other on opposite sides of the country. Even though I’ve never met him in person, I feel like I have. That’s the power of a video call. Skype is another great service that allows you to stay in touch with friends and family around the world. It’s essential for long distance relationships. It’s hard not being able to see and hear the people that you care about, and a routinely scheduled Skype session will keep you from going crazy. A regular phone call or text message can only convey so much. Video calls let you see the other person face to face and in real time. You get to see the smile form on their face when you tell a joke and that goes a long way. The only downside to video calls is that you still can’t touch the other person. They are right there in front of you and you can’t make physical contact. Skype sex is nowhere close to the real thing.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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July 10, 2013 · 7:20 am

Sunburned On My Head

I made the mistake of shaving my head and getting a tan the other day. Well, to be honest, I didn’t really get a tan… I got sunburned. I basically turned myself into a lobster for a few days. The red is starting to go away, but now I have the unfortunate side effect of peeling. I’m peeling on my back, chest, arms, and on the top of my head. And I’ve noticed that when your head starts peeling, it looks like you have dandruff. Really, really bad dandruff. Giant flakes of dead skin flutter to the ground every time I run my fingers through my hair. I tried putting some lotion on my head to keep it from flaking, but it didn’t work. All it gave me was lightly scented dandruff. And I still have to keep on explaining to everyone that I already use Head & Shoulders, and that I just got sunburned on my head.

Critically Rated at 7/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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July 9, 2013 · 9:59 am

Sticking Your Phone in Rice

It was really hot the other day, so I went swimming with a couple of friends. One of my friends was being really meticulous about emptying his pockets before jumping into the pool. He took off his watch, his chain, he took out his cash, he removed his wallet, then he ran to the pool and did a cannonball. He came up a second later with a scowl on his face and his iPhone in his hand. Fortunately, other people realized what had happened instantly, and before you know it his phone was in a bag of rice. Sticking your phone in rice and leaving it overnight will typically get your phone working again. The rice absorbs the moisture and your phone should start working again once it’s dried out. It’s important not to test your phone out while it’s still wet because you can short circuit it, and then no amount of rice will be able to save your phone. Rice is a wonder food. It feeds the world and saves electronics. It does way more for humanity than I ever will.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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July 9, 2013 · 9:57 am

Captain Sully

So unless you’ve been living under a rock, you’ve probably heard about Asiana Airlines Flight 214 crash-landing at SFO. Two people died, two more were paralyzed, and dozens more were critically injured. It was a horrific scene, but it could have been worse. It’s still enough to put people off on flying. If you’re stressed out or weary about your next flight, try to remember about Captain Sully and the Miracle on the Hudson. On January 15. 2009, US Airways Flight 1549 lost both engines to a flock of geese shortly after takeoff. Captain Chesley B. “Sully” Sullenberger had about three and half minutes to save the 155 lives on board. He could have returned to LaGuardia or attempted to land at another nearby airport, but with both time and altitude running out, he instead pulled off the most successful airplane ditch in history by splashing down in the Hudson River. The crew managed to evacuate everyone safely, aided by commuter ferries and emergency response watercraft. Captain Sully walked up and down the aisles twice to ensure that everyone else was off the plane before he also evacuated. He was the last one off the plane. Sully was correctly heralded as a hero. He did everything that he could to save lives, and succeeded. Everyone on board has a new lease on life and a second chance because of him. There’s no such thing as a routine flight, but you should be relieved that there are still pilots of Sully’s caliber in the sky. It’s all too easy to forget miracles in times of disaster and tragedy. Try not to.

Critically Rated at 15/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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July 7, 2013 · 11:01 am

Venting

It’s the end of a shitty day and you just need to vent. You start complaining and bitching about every little thing that pisses you off. You complain about friends, family, coworkers, managers, customers, the fact that there’s nothing on TV… Anything that is not entirely satisfactory in your life is something to bitch about. You have to get your emotions and frustrations out somehow, and that’s why you need to vent. Venting releases all the negative feelings that you’re storing up. You have to release the pressure or you’ll explode. If you’re mad, explaining to someone why you’re mad will make you less mad. Get it off your chest, and the weight of the world is off your shoulders. It’s healthy to vent. There’s a lot of stuff that’s out of your hands. Acknowledging those things might not make everything better, but it will make you feel better. You can’t control what happens to you, but you can control how you deal with it.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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July 6, 2013 · 8:10 am

Paying with Change

It’s a know fact that four quarters equal a dollar. But there is a huge difference between leaving a server a dollar bill versus leaving four quarters. You should never tip or pay for a bill with pocket change. I don’t care if you’re a tourist and if today is your last day in the States and you just want to get rid of all your spare coins… It’s insulting to leave a handful of change as payment. If you don’t want those coins, what makes you think that somebody else would appreciate it? There are a million other things you can do rather than offend a server and show how cheap you are. You can give it to a homeless guy, you can make wishes at a fountain, you can flatten them at the railroad tracks. Paying with change is a great way to tell other people how stingy you are.

Critically Rated at 5/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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July 6, 2013 · 8:08 am

Syke vs. Psych

You can’t syke anybody out. That’s because syke is not a word. It’s a bastardized spelling of psych. You use it like you would in a Not! joke. For example:  you look really cool in that shirt… Psych! You acted like you meant one thing, and then you did a sudden reversal to make fun of them. You psyched them out. See how that makes sense? Syke doesn’t make sense, it doesn’t mean anything. It’s just a word that a bunch of stupid people agreed with because they never bothered spelling the actual word correctly. Syke is an ignorant person’s attempt to be clever.  You really should use words if you don’t know how to use them. It makes you look stupid. It’s funny how nobody wants to be wrong, but they have no problem with using made-up words like syke. Props for trying though.

Critically Rated at 6/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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July 3, 2013 · 9:25 am

Getting Distracted

Everyday you have something that you need to get done by a certain time. It’s paying a bill, it’s finishing a report, it’s doing chores or running errands. We all have things to do and only a little bit of time to get it done. Some people keep their eye on the ball, but most of us prefer getting distracted on a subconscious level. We would rather listen to music, or get sucked into a TV show, or surf the net for hours rather than do actual work, because those things are more fun than work. It’s hard to stay focused when a smart phone allows you to hold the entire internet in your hand. We are nowhere near being as productive as our grandparents were. It seems like we want to get sidetracked, like we want to fail on some level. And I’m ok with that. I even created this site to distract you from your daily routine for a few minutes before something else distracts you from this distraction. That’s what the Internet is… a giant web of distractions.

Critically Rated at 12/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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July 2, 2013 · 11:25 am

Forgetting to Charge Your Phone

You’re getting ready to go out for a few hours. You take a shower, you brush your teeth, you find something to wear, you make sure you have your keys, phone, and wallet, and then head out the front door. You feel like you’re prepared and that you have everything that you need until you look at your phone and you see it only has 25% battery left. Great, now you can only use your phone for texting and emergency calls. Checking Facebook or playing games will just turn your phone into a paperweight. You’re still kind of relieved that you brought it because you would feel naked without it, but a dead phone is a useless phone. It’s like a wallet without any cash or credit cards. It’s just a shell of what it’s supposed to be. I don’t like to leave the house with less than 80% battery life, but I always prefer a full charge for peace of mind. And I hate whoring myself out to borrow somebody’s charger.

Critically Rated at 9/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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July 1, 2013 · 10:18 am

Blacks and Asians

Have you ever noticed how much blacks and Asians have in common? They respect each other’s culture and even attempt to assimilate some cultural aspects. If you pay attention to pop culture, you’ll notice that blacks and Asians borrow from each other all the time. Case in point, the Wu-Tang Clan. They were heavily influenced by martial arts films and their debut album’s theme is about Shaolin style versus Wu-Tang style. RZA even did the music for Kill Bill. Blacks and Asians also share an affinity for Jackie Chan, but everybody loves Jackie Chan so I’m not sure that counts. They both love rap music and basketball and can dance way better than any white guy. A huge percentage of rappers and R&B singers use Chinese dragons and Kung Fu films as a motif in their music. There are an absurd amount of movies and TV shows about black ninjas/samurais/karate masters. Blade, Ghost Dog, Afro Samurai, etc. And we even have a bunch of martial arts films where a black person teams up with an Asian, like in the Rush Hour trilogy, Romeo Must Die… there are other examples but I’m too lazy to Google them. Asians are also the only race that blacks will allow to dress up like gangstas. It’s a compromise. If two cultures are constantly oppressed by Whitey, it’s only natural to form an alliance.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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July 1, 2013 · 10:11 am

Getting Sucked Into Your Timeline

I’m on Facebook a lot because I’m a product of my time. I make statuses, I check into places, I post pictures, I share articles, and I get tagged every single day. Every once in a while, I will log on and check out my profile. It’s like looking at your life from an outsider’s perspective. You’ll start looking at what other people have posted on your wall, and you’ll eventually start looking at old pictures. We don’t have actual photo albums anymore. Instead we have Facebook Timeline. It sucks that it’s not tangible, but it’s better in a lot of ways. You’ll stumble upon a picture of you and a group of friends that you never see anymore in a place that you never go to anymore. You’ll feel nostalgic and you can instantly tag them or message them to remind them about the glory days. It tells you when it was posted, so you can reflect on how much shit has changed since it was taken. Then you’ll click on another picture of another group of forgotten friends in another forgotten place. Then you click on another picture, and another bunch of memories come flooding back. Before you know it, three hours have passed and it’s time for bed. Getting sucked into your timeline is like picking up your yearbook from senior year, it’s a trip down memory lane.

Critically Rated at 15/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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June 30, 2013 · 10:13 am

Bidet

I used to live in Los Angeles and rented out a house that had a bidet. That was my first experience with a bidet outside of that memorable scene in Crocodile Dundee. In fact, it was only because of that movie that I even knew what a bidet was and what it was used for (“for washing your backside”). So I had a bidet in my bathroom. I had to try it and I did. I tried it a few times. I didn’t like it. It wasn’t for me. I prefer toilet paper. I would rather wipe my ass than hose it down. Bidets are classy, but they are also intimidating, especially if you have no clue how to use them. Most Americans don’t know which way to face, or if they should take their pants off to avoid splashes, or if they can pee in it. And you’re wet afterward so you still need to wipe and that kind of defeats the purpose. Whatever. To each his own.

Critically Rated at 10/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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June 30, 2013 · 10:11 am

My Friend Stole My Face Wash

So my friend stole my face wash. I don’t mean that he borrowed a little bit each day until it was gone. I mean that he fucking took the whole tube out of my medicine cabinet in one fell swoop. Who the fuck does that? Are you really that desperate for a facial cleanse that you’re willing to steal? That’s pathetically low. It’s damn near rock bottom. I can forgive somebody stealing from me for a heroin fix, but smooth skin and exfoliated pores hardly seems worthy of jeopardizing your reputation. There’s no reason and there’s no excuse for bullshit like that, so don’t bother explaining yourself. All you had to do was ask. Instead you decided to steal it and reveal your true colors. Now I’m going to suspect you whenever something goes missing. I hope it was worth it.

Critically Rated at 3/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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June 29, 2013 · 8:22 am

Pedicab

A pedicab is a pedal-powered taxicab. It looks like a giant tricycle with a couch in the back. It’s a green and clean form of transportation, but your speed is entirely dependent on how in shape your driver is and how many people you have crammed into the pedicab. You’ll see two couples snuggling in the back of the cab as the wheezing driver struggles to obtain a speed faster than 10 miles per hour. You can walk faster than most of them. You usually find pedicabs in groups of three or more waiting outside of tourist attractions in major cities, desperately hollering at people, begging for their business. I’m convinced that the pedicab industry is based entirely on pity. No self-respecting local would be caught dead in one. They are for tourists who are tired of walking and are too cheap to take a ride in a horse-drawn carriage. I like the zero-emission concept, but there should be a way to make being green less embarrassing.

Critically Rated at 10/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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June 28, 2013 · 8:29 am

Walking in on Someone in the Bathroom

Walking in on someone in the bathroom is inevitable. If it hasn’t happened to you yet, it will. You are eventually going to walk in on someone in the bathroom, and you will see things that you never wanted to see. Walking in on someone using the bathroom always happens the same way. Nature calls, you get up to respond, you go to the bathroom, you open the door, and you’re shocked to see somebody’s already on the pot. For some reason you both say sorry at the exact same time, and then you close the door and back away, desperately trying to erase that image from your head. It’s hard to say who is more embarrassed in this situation. Would you rather catch a glimpse of someone else’s bowel movement or have someone else see your pooping technique? It’s an easily avoided situation if the pooper would only lock the fucking door.

Critically Rated at 8/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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June 28, 2013 · 8:26 am

They Changed the Price

Today was laundry day, so I grabbed my hamper, some detergent, and the exact amount of quarters required, and headed to the Laundromat. I threw my clothes in the washer, plunked down some quarters, and everything was going great. And then it was time to throw my stuff in the dryer. I had the dryer all loaded up and started dropping in my quarters and I noticed that something was different. They changed the price. We are creatures of habit, and laundry is definitely habitual, and so suddenly needing another quarter changes everything. I thought I brought the precise number of quarters necessary, but inflation had other ideas. I didn’t have any cash on me, so I had to resort to asking the other patrons for a spare quarter like a bum. I got a quarter from one reluctant lady so I was able to finish it. She only gave it to me because she was caught off guard by the price change too and felt sympathy for me. I know that it’s a sign of progression and economic growth, but part of me dies whenever they change the price. I would probably die if Arizona Iced Tea ever charged more than 99 cents per can.

Critically Rated at 7/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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June 27, 2013 · 10:26 am

Gay Marriage

So DOMA was struck down, the Prop 8 appeal was denied, and now equality is one step closer to reality. This is a great time for the US, and especially for San Francisco… Gay marriage + Pride weekend = One hell of a party. I’m not gay, but I live in San Francisco and there’s no room for bigotry here. I work with gay people, I hang out with gay people, I drink with gay people, and I see no problems celebrating their victory. But this isn’t just their victory; it’s a victory for everybody. Everybody has the right to be happy and marry the person that they love. And if more people can get married, then there will be more weddings. And weddings usually have an open bar. Everybody wins. Gay marriage shouldn’t even be an issue. Shit, homosexuality shouldn’t be an issue. There’s nothing wrong with being gay. We already knew all that, but now the courts recognize it too. It’s about fucking time. Congratulations to us all. But you should still be a little weary because in the next few years all the bigots/haters/igorami will start talking about the dangers of gay divorce.

Critically Rated at 16/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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