Category Archives: Random Rants

Everyday items like money to days of the week to common situations.

Summer Solstice

Summer solstice is the first day of summer. It’s also the longest day of the year. I was lucky enough to celebrate summer solstice in Anchorage, Alaska for 2014 and the sun refused to go down. It just became something like twilight for a few hours. It never got dark. I never saw stars. Summer solstice is a holiday in Anchorage. The whole city comes out to celebrate with music, dancers, art, food, and festivities. They got the Spin Doctors to come out and play their two-and-a-half hits and a bunch of filler material in a free concert. And in case you were wondering, yes, there were a lot of hippies and awkward dancers struggling to move to the beat. I’m writing this article right around midnight and it’s still light outside. That sounds awesome until you realize that your body clock is warped and you can’t fall asleep for the life of you. That’s what’s when awe turns into insomnia.
Critically Rated at 15/17
Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Deboarding the Plane

Deboarding the plane is always a shit show. As soon as the plane touches the ground everyone unbuckles their seatbelt and stand up, desperate to get off the plane before it even reaches the gate. All the impatient people push and clamor their way into the aisle, despite the fact that the second row has gotten off yet and they are in the last row. The best way to deboard is to sit still and wait your damn turn. Let all the people sitting in front of you get up and get off before you try to do so. The aisle is too narrow to push your way past them anyway. Just relax and be civil, you fucking asshole.
Critically Rated at 5/17
Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Pit Stop

One of the perks of a road trip is an unscheduled pit stop. That’s when you stop at a random location, like a gas station or a neglected Carl’s Jr, on a road trip. It’s where you break the monotony of a several hour long car ride by getting out of the car, stretching your legs, going to the bathroom and buying something to munch on when you get back on the road. A pit stop is not a destination. You’re only there for a few minutes before you move on towards where you really want to go. A pit stop is just a brief moment to relax before the journey takes too much of a toll and you veer off into a ditch and die in a ball of flames, it doesn’t happen all the time, but it happens. So be cautious and make a pit stop every once in a while.
Critically Rated at 12/17
Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Landing in a Plane

Landing in a plane is always the most nerve racking thing about flying. You’re high in the sky and then you start slowing down. The ground starts coming closer and closer, faster and faster. The plane shakes and shudders, it jumps and jerks. And you keep telling yourself that you’re gonna be fine, that you’re not going to crash, but a part of you thinks that it’s inevitable. You know that you’re not a good flier. All you can do is hope that your pilot is. Statistically you’re the most likely to crash when you’re taking off or when you’re landing. It’s best not to think about that though. Just try to enjoy the ride. I’ve been skydiving twice before and it’s always a trip to realize that I’ve taken off in a plane more times than I’ve landed in one.
Critically Rated at 5/17
Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Facing Money

I’m slightly OCD about a few things and facing money is one of them. I can’t stand a wad of crumpled bills in my pocket. I need more structure and organization that that. I need to have my cash sorted by denomination with all the portraits the right side up. When I unfold my cash you’re going to see in order Washington, Lincoln, Hamilton, Jackson, Grant, and Franklin if I had a good day at work. I respect money so it’s only logical that I face it. Plus facing money makes it easier to spend it and that’s the whole point of having cash anyway. Right? Please tell me I’m right.

Critically Rated at 9/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Knee Scooter

I kind of want to break my ankle just so I can get one of those spiffy knee scooters (also referred to as knee walkers). They look like a fun way to be crippled. A knee scooter is a scooter with four wheels, a spot to rest your knee on, and they typically have a handlebar equipped with a handbrake as well. They allow you to be mobile when you only have one leg that can actually move. My downstairs neighbor has one right now and I see her scooting down the sidewalk at breakneck speed with her bag of groceries and not a care in the world. I don’t even think she has a leg injury, I think she just wants to cruise around town without being judged.

Critically Rated at 13/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Server Speak

I’ve been a server for longer than I care to admit, and we have a bunch of expressions that I think are commonplace but have little meaning in the real world. I decided to list a few of them so you understand what I mean if I accidently use Server Speak around you.

  1. Cut. This is one of the best words that you can hear on a shift. Cut means that you’re not taking any more tables. It means that your shift is almost over. All you have to do is wait for your current tables to finish up, do your side work, then you can do your paid out, then you can clock out.
  2. Side Work. Side work is all the stuff you have to do when you’re not taking orders, running drinks/food, and handling payments. It’s stocking glasses, refilling the ice wells, changing the soda, emptying the dish pit. It’s all the bitch work that you don’t get tips for.
  3. Paid Out. This is called different things in different places, but it’s all the same thing. It’s when you find out your total sales, add up all your credit card and cash payments, tip out the bussers, food runners, bartenders, and find out how much money you made during that shift.
  4. Walk Out. This is the worst phrase that you want to hear. It’s when a table leaves without paying the bill. You might have to pay the bill out of pocket, you might get a write up, or you might get fired.
  5. 86. This is restaurant code for being out of something. If you run out of bread, it’s 86’ed until they make more. It’s a 68 when they bake more. You can also say 86 if someone dies or gets fired.
  6. In the Weeds or Weeded. Whenever you’re so busy and flustered that you don’t know what to do next, you’re in the weeds or weeded. It happens when one table wants a side of ranch, another table wants another round of drinks, another table needs to order but needs you to explain every item on the menu, and then you get double-sat. You don’t know what to do first, but you know that it should have been done five minutes ago.
  7. Double-Sat, Triple-Sat, Quadruple-Sat, Etc. If you get sat, that means you got one table. You’re double-sat if you get two tables at the same time. Triple-sat is when you get three tables at the same time. Quadruple sat is when you get four tables at the same time. It doesn’t seem like much to take drink orders, appetizer orders, entrée orders, but it gets complicated and stressful when people want to modify the menu, ask for separate checks, and are unsure if they want a regular Coke or a Diet Coke. Each table feels like they are the most important table and they don’t care if you’re running around like a chicken with its head cut off.
  8. Corner. Servers move at a quick pace. Everything is fast tempo. So you shout out “Corner!” whenever you walk around a corner so you don’t smack into someone and break a bunch of plates. It’s a safety thing. And you get weird looks if you accidently blurt it out at the grocery store rounding the aisle.
  9. Behind. Saying Behind!” is like saying “Corner!” It means that you’re walking right behind somebody. That way they don’t bump into you and break more plates. Nobody wants to break plates.
  10. Stiffed. Stiffed is another terrible term, up there with walk out. This is when the customer paid his bill but left you with little to no tip. All you can do is bite your lip until you can go to the break room and vent to your fellow servers about those motherfuckers.
  11. Campers. Campers are people that stay at your table for way too long. They might pay their bill and linger for another hour before leaving. They might sit in a booth for thirty minutes without ordering because they are waiting for a friend. The worst is when they only order a coffee and ask for the Wi-Fi password while busting out their iPad. They don’t seem to realize that they are taking up real estate and costing you money. It’s all about the turn and burn.
  12. Turn and Burn. Turning and burning tables is how a good server makes money. You want to greet a table and get their drink and food orders as fast as possible so that their drinks and food comes out as fast as possible so that they leaves as fast as possible so that you get a new table to make more money off of. You want to be fast and efficient without rushing your guests though. They won’t tip you if they feel like you don’t want them there.
  13. Table Snatcher. A table snatcher is a fellow server that takes a table in your section and feigns ignorance. They stole your table, they stole your tip, they stole your money. They are scum, they are low, and they are worse than any customer ever could be because you have to work with them all the time. And you feel violated because you trusted them like they are family.
  14. Family. Your coworkers are your family if you work in a restaurant. They are the people that you see 6 days a week. They see you at your best, they see you at your worst, but they love you and you love them. Not to mention the fact that you spend every practically every single weekend and major holiday together. They know your pain and they know how you feel after a double better than anyone else.
  15. Dead. Dead is almost always a bad thing to hear, but it’s a godsend to a starving server. Dead food is something that’s unsellable but otherwise unharmed. It happens when a server rings in the wrong item or forgets to modify it, when a customer changes or cancels their order, or if a cook makes the wrong thing. I’m going to notice a delicious New York Strip that’s been left neglected under the heat lamp. And if it can’t go out to a table, it might as well go into my belly.

Those are just a few words and phrases of Server Speak. I’m sure that I’ll think of more or that you guys will point out ones that I missed, so stay tuned for a potential Server Speak Sequel.

Critically Rated at 13/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Looking For Parking

I live in a city where you don’t need a car to get around. Driving a car in my city becomes a hassle. You have to deal with traffic, street cleaning, vandals, tickets, and looking for parking. Looking for parking is the worst thing about driving in the city. It only takes ten minutes to drive from Point A to Point B, but you’ll spend twenty minutes creeping up and down side streets and alleyways at seven miles per hour trying to find a spot. You finally find a spot and park, and only then will you notice that the curb is painted red and you’re right next to a fire hydrant. Or you can only park there on the second Wednesday of each month. Or you have to have a Residential Permit to park there. So you scream and bash your head into the steering wheel out of frustration and continue on your quest in search of parking. Another twenty minutes go by until you finally give up and pay twenty bucks to park it in a lot somewhere. Fuck that. Next time you’ll just take the bus.

Critically Rated at 4/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Bitch Slap

You’re in a heated argument and the other guy crosses the line and insults your mother. You love your mother and you have to let him know that. So you bitch slap him. That’s when you smack him in the face with your palm with the all the power and force of a punch behind it. It doesn’t have to be a form of domestic violence and it shouldn’t be. It should be the step before fists start flying and actual punches are being thrown. It’s like the precursor to a real fight, but it’s more of a physical insult. It’s soul-crushing. It’s demeaning, You don’t want to be the one being bitch slapped. You want to be the bitch slapper. But be wary of assault charges because that’s an actual possibility. Be careful who you’re bitch slapping. Ideally you’re only witnessing the bitch slap because that is pure entertainment. I’m not condoning violence, just bitch slaps. And don’t take this article seriously, it’s just filler material. I got to write about something. Thanks for reading it though.

Critically Rated at 8/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Getting On the Wrong Bus

Nothing gets your blood pumping quite like realizing that you got on the wrong bus. It usually happens when you’re walking to an unfamiliar stop and you see a bus approaching. You’ll run over in a panic and jump on, pay the fare, and find a seat, relieved that you caught it in the nick of time. You start to relax and gather your breath. You settle in and bust out your phone to check your email and read the news. Then you glance out the window and notice that the scenery is unfamiliar. Then you see a street name and you know that you’re fucked. You got on the wrong bus. It all goes downhill from here. Now you’re going to be late to work and you’re going to be pissed off when you finally get there. All you can do is learn from your stupidity and make sure you don’t get on the wrong bus again. Now you just have to make sure that you’re going in the right direction.

Critically Rated at 5/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Denim Jacket

A denim jacket (sometimes called a jean jacket) is a jacket made from denim. It’s an integral part of a Canadian tuxedo. There was a time when denim jackets were perfectly acceptable, but that time has passed. Denim jackets are kind of like poodle skirts. They were cool. Once. A long time ago. They were a fad. You shouldn’t still be wearing them. You should only wear them on special occasions, like on ‘80s nights and at costume parties. I’m not going to mock you if you choose to wear a denim jacket in your everyday life. At least not to your face. It’s way more fun to talk shit about you behind your back.

Critically Rated at 6/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Opening Your Mouth Too Early At The Dentist

It’s time for your biannual dental checkup and you’re waiting in the reception room. The assistant calls your name and guides you into a small room with a chair. You climb into the chair, and then she puts a little bib on you and lowers the back of the chair. You settle into position as she readies all the tools and bits of torture for the dentist to use. Once she is all prepped, she leaves the room and tells you that the dentist will be right with you. You wait in awkward silence for a few minutes, alternating between fumbling with your phone and watching an unfamiliar daytime talk show with poorly typed closed captioning. At long last the dentist enters and asks how you’re doing as he looks over your records. He finally comes over and stands by your chair, and you automatically open your mouth. You realize a second later that he’s not ready to start and that your mouth is gaping for no reason. Opening your mouth too early at the dentist is a reflex. And it makes you feel stupid because your mouth instinctively gapes open whenever he gets close. It’s uncontrollable. It makes it impossible to hold a conversation with him. It’s hard to talk with your mouth wide open.

Critically Rated at 7/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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69 Day

June 9th is National 69 Day. It’s not an official holiday, I just pretend it is because American’s write out today’s date as 6/9. 6/9 is similar to 69. And 69 is an awesome number because of its relation to the sexual position. I won’t tell you about what a 69 entails, that’s a post for another day. I’ll just say that you haven’t lived if you don’t know what it is. You can also judge somebody’s maturity by how they respond to hearing someone say 69. If they laugh, they are immature. If they smile, they are normal. If they scowl, they are prude. 69 should always invoke a response. Only the unimaginative remain neutral, and the unimaginative are boring. 6/9 is also Donald Duck Day, but that’s not nearly as exciting.

Critically Rated at 6/9

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Split Checks

Want to piss off your server? Tell him that you want split checks after he drops off your bill. I realize that split checks are sometimes necessary, but you should tell the server before he starts to take your order if you know that you’re going to need split checks. That saves him time and that saves you time. It’s not your server’s responsibility to ask if you’re going to want split checks. Most customers take offense to that. It implies that they are rude, cheap, or both. If you’re sitting together, that means that you’re one party. One party gets one check. Most restaurants can split payments, and that’s a lot easier than splitting checks. You should bring cash or a card, keep track of what you ordered, and pay accordingly if you’re going to eat with a group. Give the right amount of cash to whoever is handing the bill. If you have a card, tell the server how much to run it for. Be simple and make it easy as possible for your server. Don’t be a difficult guest. And don’t forget to tip.

Critically Rated at 6/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Dollar Sign After the Number

I went on Facebook the other day and saw my friend complaining that she got a parking ticket for 100$. Everyone else made a sympathetic comment, but I called her out for misusing the dollar sign. People do a lot of stupid things that bug me, and putting the dollar sign after the number is one of them. I don’t even know how anybody could be stupid enough to do that. You see dollar signs about a thousand times a day on commercials, price tags, printed ads, menus, and storefront windows. You have to be pretty damn ignorant to not know where the dollar sign goes. If you put the dollar sign after the number, you should be prepared to explain yourself. I genuinely want to know why you put the dollar sign there and not where it’s supposed to go. If you can’t respect the placement of the dollar sign, you don’t deserve any money. You should give it to me. I’ll respect $1 more than you could ever respect 1$.

Critically Rated at 4/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Sharing a Cab

Once or twice a week I will go out for drinks with a few coworkers at the end of a late shift. We go to the local dive bar, have a few rounds, and leave around closing time. Then we have the unfortunate task of going back home. We call a cab, pile in, and tell him that we will be making a few stops but we will tip well. We bicker over where to go first and who will be dropped off last. It’s important to communicate with each other and the driver, which is easier said than done because everyone is slightly wasted. The first person to get dropped off never pays as much as they should and they slip away before anyone notices. The second and third people to get dropped off pay more to compensate for the first person not contributing what they should have. And the last person to get dropped off doesn’t have to pay as much because of the second and third person overcompensating, but they have to ride alone with the cab driver and apologize for everyone else’s behavior. This is the joy that is a shared cab ride. But it beats taking the bus.

Critically Rated at 8/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Teleportation

Teleportation seems like it would be an awesome superpower or technological advantage. Going from Point A to Point B without moving between the physical space would save you a lot of time. When you’re done with work you can teleport straight home and avoid the shitty commute. You could travel anywhere in the world instantly and avoid paying excessive airline fees. Seems like there are a lot of perks to teleporting until you realize the truth. When you teleport you’re rearranging atoms and molecules to recreate your own in a different place. You’re basically cloning yourself into a new location and destroying your original self in the process. The clone looks just like you, has all your memories and personality traits, and thinks that it is you. But it’s not you. It’s an imposter. You killed yourself when you teleported. Suicide shouldn’t be a viable form of transportation.

Critically Rated at 5/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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