Category Archives: Drinks

Beer, soda, and other fun fluids you put in your mouth.

May 18, 2013 · 9:55 am

Yoo-hoo Chocolate Drink

You want to consume chocolate in a liquid form, but you don’t want chocolate milk or a hot chocolate. Yoo-hoo is your only option. It’s a chocolate drink. It kind of tastes like chocolate milk, but it’s definitely not chocolate milk.  Yoo-hoo is one of those drinks that you discover in a random corner store, and you get all excited because you haven’t had a Yoo-hoo in forever so you get it, and the first sip takes you back to your childhood. Then the next sip snaps you back to reality and you realize that you just paid 2 bucks for fake chocolate milk. It’s more chuggable than chocolate milk, but I wouldn’t recommend it. In fact, I wouldn’t recommend Yoo-hoo at all. There are better ways to waste money and upset your stomach.

Critically Rated at 4/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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May 17, 2013 · 10:04 am

Beer Theft

I had a shitty shift the other night so I went out for drinks with two coworkers. This bar is like our Cheers, we own that spot. The bartenders know us by name and they know what we drink. We bought a round, sat at our usual table, raised our glasses, and started drinking. We finished the first round and ordered another. After a few sips, someone suggested a smoke break and it seemed like a great idea. My friend and I were drinking draft IPA, my other buddy had a bottle of cider, and we each put a coaster on the top of our drinks. That’s the international sign for I’m Coming Back so Don’t Touch my Drink. We went outside and did our thing, and when we came back inside the beer glasses were empty with the coasters strewn aside. The cider remained untouched so I know it wasn’t a freak act of nature or an alcoholic ghost. No man, we got beer jacked. Our beers were practically full, but it was obvious that we had sipped from them. Somebody stole our used beer. I didn’t even know that people could stoop that low. That’s like somebody siphoning your gas in your own driveway. You feel used, violated, and scared to trust anyone ever again. Beer theft happens. Be aware.

Critically Rated at 1/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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May 15, 2013 · 11:10 am

Welch’s Tropical Carrot

I’ll admit it, I only bought this juice because I wanted to experience a tropical carrot and see how it is different from a regular carrot. Tropical carrots just sound so much more exotic. So I had to grab it when I saw it at the store. Imagine my dismay when I found out that there were no tropical carrots in it, just regular carrots. They call it tropical because it also has white grape juice, mango puree, and pineapple juice. And somehow it manages to contain only 10% juice. I don’t know what else to say about this juice. It’s another average juice medley and it’s orange in color. I still want a tropical carrot.

Critically Rated at 8/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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May 13, 2013 · 8:02 am

Nantucket Nectors Red Plum Juice Cocktail

I’ve had a lot of juice in my day. I’ve had all the normal juices like apple, orange, pineapple, grape, grapefruit, and cranberry. I’ve even had more obscure juices like cherry, peach, guava, and coconut. I’ve even had tomato juice (there might have been vodka in it). But I’ve never had plum juice. I’ve never even seen or heard of it until today. I’m not talking about prune juice, that shit is nasty. I’m talking about plum juice, specifically Red Plum from Nantucket Nectors. Nantucket Nectors makes gourmet juices, and this definitely qualifies as a gourmet juice. It tastes like a red plum, only less intense and watered down. It’s good if you like plums. According to the label, there is actually more pear juice in it than plum juice. I think that’s false advertising. Yeah, the pear juice is subtle so you can’t really taste it, but I still feel lied to. I wanted Red Plum Juice, not Pear Juice featuring Red Plum.

Critically Rated at 13/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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May 12, 2013 · 9:56 am

Body Shots

A body shot is a shot of liquor that is served on a person as opposed to in a shot glass. Most of the time a drunk (and slightly slutty) female will lay down on the bar top and somebody else slurps tequila off her tits or tummy. Everyone else laughs and takes pictures. Body shots are usually a sign that things are going to get rowdy. Body shots are messy for everyone involved. The human shot glass will be sticky with liquor and spit. The person taking the shot always dribbles down their chin and they occasionally suck up a loose hair or foreign object. And the bartender gets to clean up all the drinks that get knocked over when the human shot glass jumps up on the bar. Body shots should be reserved for special occasions like a 21st birthday or Cinco de Mayo. They should be somewhat random and special, not a routine event.

Critically Rated at 13/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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May 12, 2013 · 9:53 am

Starbucks Doubleshot Espresso

You’re feeling drained and need a quick pick-me-up but you don’t know if you want coffee or an energy drink. That’s when you need to get a Starbucks Doubleshot Espresso. It’s espresso and cream in a small 6.5 oz. can. It’s a lot more bitter than a Frappuccino, but the cream helps smooth out the flavor. It has more caffeine than Red Bull. The small can of Red Bull has 80mg of caffeine and a Doubleshot Espresso has 130mg of caffeine. One is usually enough to give you the jitters for a few hours. Starbucks is kind of an obscure brand, but I have the feeling that they are going to blow up soon.

Critically Rated at 12/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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May 10, 2013 · 10:57 am

Sunkist Orange Soda

I’m not a big fan of orange soda, but I grabbed a Sunkist today. I don’t know why. It was an impulse buy I guess. It’s not exactly breaking the bank at 99¢ for a 20 oz. bottle, but now I’m stuck with an orange soda that I don’t really want. It has a sweet and tangy candied orange flavor that tastes just like every other orange soda out there, but Sunkist contains caffeine unlike other brands. Caffeine makes soda better. I’m reading the label and I’m not seeing any evidence that there are any actual oranges or orange juice in it. The label describes Sunkist as an Orange Soda flavored with other natural flavors. That’s kind of cryptic and vague, not to mention completely unappetizing. All this time I thought it was called orange soda because it tastes like oranges and has oranges in it… apparently it’s just describing the color of the beverage.

Critically Rated at 12/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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May 6, 2013 · 10:29 am

Drunk Me

Drunk Me is kind of a jerk. Not to other people but to his sober counterpart. Drunk Me doesn’t seem to respect Sober Me much at all. Drunk Me likes to spend a lot of money on beer and cabs because he thinks it’s hilarious when Sober Me wakes up without any money to go out for breakfast. Drunk Me has a habit of leaving my keys or wallet in some ridiculously obscure spot, like in a to-go box in the fridge so that Sober Me can embark on a frantic scavenger hunt. Drunk Me also likes to open a new beer, take a few sips, and then put it down somewhere and forget about it, so that Sober Me has something else to deal with. Drunk Me likes to forget to set an alarm or neglects to charge my phone so that I’m stressed out and scrambling around in the morning. Drunk Me only cares about himself and the moment. He does whatever he wants to because he knows that Sober Me will be the one to face the consequences. Drunk Me has fun, Sober Me has responsibilities. Guess which one I prefer to be.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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May 3, 2013 · 8:52 am

Beer Koozie

A beer koozie is a piece of foam or fabric that wraps around your beer and helps keeps it insulated. If you like cold beer and want it to stay cold longer, you might want to invest in a couple of koozies. They keep the beer cold by keeping your body temperature and sunlight from infiltrating the bottle or can. You’ll always know which beer is yours if you have a custom koozie. For example, I have a San Francisco Giants beer koozie so I can always find my beer when I set it down. And it also repels Dodger fans, which is always a plus. You might feel like a bit of a redneck the first time you use a beer koozie. That’s not a setup for a joke, it’s a warning. You’ll probably feel like white trash. Relax… you’re only white trash if you bring your koozie to a restaurant. Leave the koozie at home.

Critically Rated at 12/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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May 2, 2013 · 9:51 am

Red Bull – The Silver Edition

Red Bull has three new special flavors out: the Blue, Red, and Silver Editions. The Blue Edition is blueberry flavored, the Red Edition is cranberry flavored, and the Silver Edition is lime flavored. Because limes are silver. I don’t know why they wouldn’t just make a Green Edition instead, that would make more sense. I guess silver looked cooler on the shelf and they couldn’t think of a silver fruit so they settled on lime, because why the hell not? It’s a very clean looking can, which compliments the crisp flavor of the energy drink inside. If you’re a vodka and Red Bull person, I think this is the Red Bull for you. It would make an awesome mixer. It’s also good for when you need a quick pick-me-up and your crack dealer isn’t answering his phone. If you like Red Bull, you’ll like this.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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April 28, 2013 · 10:43 am

Free Shots

You’re at the bar, a few drinks in, and you’re silently debating to yourself whether or not you want to sneak away. Then suddenly the bartender plops down a few glasses in front of your group and declares that the next shot is on the house. Now there’s no escape. Free shots are both a blessing and a curse. Don’t get me wrong, I will never turn down free booze… but if I wanted a shot I would have ordered one. Free shots usually contain the worst alcohol in the bar, but the bartender always acts like they are hooking you up. They aren’t hooking you up. They are getting rid of an unwanted product and they think that disposing it on you will lead to a higher tip. And it usually works because then you feel obligated to open your wallet. Nothing good can come out of a free shot. It leads to regret and blacking out and possibly throwing up in the bathroom. Free shots are the adult form of peer pressure. Everyone’s doing it, you might as well too.

Critically Rated at 9/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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April 25, 2013 · 10:30 am

Throwing Up After a Night of Drinking

I had a lot to drink last night and I felt it this morning. I woke up in pain. I tried to lie in bed and pretend that I was ok, but I couldn’t keep up the charade for long. As soon as I heard my roommate leave the bathroom, I ran in, raised the toilet lid, and shoved my finger down my throat. I was feeling much better after a couple of heaves. There’s nothing wrong with throwing up after a night of drinking. It will make your stomach feel better and you’ll feel less hungover. Drinking is fun, hangovers aren’t, and if puking relieves your pain then go for it.

Critically Rated at 12/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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April 25, 2013 · 10:27 am

Monster Energy

Monster Energy is not an energy drink; it’s an energy supplement. It says so right on the label. There are a lot of energy drinks/supplements on the market, and this is one of the big three. If Red Bull is Coke and Rockstar is Pepsi, then Monster would be RC Cola. It has a sweeter taste than Red Bull and Rockstar, but there’s something weird about the flavor. It’s hard to describe, it’s sweet and slightly fruity but I have no idea what fruit flavor it’s trying to emulate. It has caffeine, taurine, ginseng, B vitamins, L-carnitine, and a shit ton of sugar. I have no idea what L-carnitine is or what it does, but if it keeps me from passing out I’m all for it. You feel like your heart is going to explode if you chug it too fast. That can’t be a good thing.

Critically Rated at 12/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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April 23, 2013 · 11:06 am

Red Bull – The Blue Edition

Red Bull is the undisputed king of the energy drinks. But even they feel the need to shake things up a bit every once in a while and so they have created Silver, Red, and Blue Editions of their signature product. Silver is lime flavored, the red is cranberry flavored, and The Blue Edition is blueberry flavored. It’s not overly sweet and its taste vaguely resembles blueberries. It tastes sort of like a diet drink while it’s on your tongue, but there’s no lingering aftertaste. It takes some getting used to, but I like it more and more with each sip. If you like regular Red Bull, you’ll also like this. It also has a cool blue can with cool graphics and appearances are important. You’ll make friends if you buy The Blue Edition Red Bull.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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April 22, 2013 · 10:25 am

Drinking With Someone Who Doesn’t Drink

I went out to the baseball game the other day. It was my first game of the season and I was meeting up with an old friend. Our pact was simple: You buy the tickets and I’ll buy the beer. Naturally I was going to get inebriated. Gameday rolls around and we meet up at the stadium. I buy the first round, and I finish my beer before he’s even halfway done. So I bought another beer and finished it as he finished his first. I offered to buy another round and he said no. So I bought another beer for myself mostly because we had to kill time before first pitch. It was a hot day too, and I don’t need much of an excuse to crack a brew. It took until my fourth beer to realize that I was drinking with someone who doesn’t drink. I suddenly felt sloppy and like an alcoholic. But then I looked and noticed that the line for Budweiser was longer than the line for hot dogs and realized that he was the weird one, not me. Props for having restraint and self-control, but I’d prefer a few bottles of suds over soda any day of the week. Drinking with someone who doesn’t drink is ok as long as they don’t judge you and as long as you don’t judge them. It’s like eating a burger in front of a vegetarian; you don’t talk about how amazing it is because they don’t want to hear about it.

Critically Rated at 10/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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April 19, 2013 · 10:36 am

Flat Soda

One of the best things about soda is that it’s carbonated. Bubbles are fun. There’s no denying that. They add pop and fizz and make the soda more enjoyable. And that’s why I can’t enjoy a flat soda. I had an opened 2 liter bottle of Coke in the fridge that I ignored for a few days too long. Now there’s no more carbonation. There’s no life to it. It’s still cold so I’ll drink it. But I’m going to grumble and complain and not enjoy it at all. If it was warm I’d pour it out. Warm flat soda tastes like piss. Bubbles are one of the best things about soda and you don’t realize how much they mean to you until they are gone. Bubbles or bust.

Critically Rated at 9/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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April 18, 2013 · 10:15 am

Rockstar Energy Water – Blueberry Pomegranate Acai

Bottled water is a product that shouldn’t even exist. It’s like canned air or a container of sunlight. But people buy bottled water and they buy it a lot and there is profit to be had. There used to be only a few brands of bottled water, now there are dozens of different brands. Then Vitamin Water came out, and that caused a whole bunch of other companies to come out with their own brands of super water. Thanks to the consumer power of sheep, we now have Rockstar Energy Water. It’s water infused with B vitamins, taurine, and caffeine. There are a few different flavors but I tried the Blueberry Pomegranate Acai. It’s less than 1% juice, with no sugar and no calories. There’s a very slight aftertaste, it’s hardly noticeable but it’s there.

This isn’t water. This is a water-based beverage. I don’t think you can legally call this water anymore. Water is made of hydrogen and oxygen. That’s a pretty short list of ingredients. Rockstar Energy Water has 17 ingredients including magnesium lactate, acesulfame potassium, and pyridoxine hydrochloride. Nothing enhances water like a bunch of random chemicals. There’s no way that this shit is good for you. At least soda doesn’t lie and pretend to be healthy. I think it’s time to put an end to super water.

Critically Rated at 11/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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