Monthly Archives: March 2013

Tourist Day

We get stuck in a zone and stop paying attention to what’s around us. Don’t forget that there are places right by you that other people would pay to see. Take advantage of it. The next time you have a friend come into town or a random day off work, you should have a tourist day. That’s when you go and do all the touristy things that your town has to offer. You can finally do all the shit that you keep putting off. Go to the Statue of Liberty if you live in New York. Go to Alcatraz if you live in San Francisco.  It doesn’t matter where you live, there are all sorts of things to do around your town that you take for granted. Check out the museum, go to the zoo, take a guided tour of a local factory, explore the park and see the sights. You live in a cool place, that’s why you moved there. Experience it.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Paint Fumes

I live in an apartment and my downstairs neighbors moved out. The landlord hired a maintenance crew to come in and do minor repairs and repaint the vacant apartment. And now the whole building smells like paint. I have every possible window open for ventilation and the paint fumes just seem to be getting worse. I feel like I’m stuck in the garage with the car engine running. To make matters worse, the sun has started setting and it’s getting colder but at least the paint fumes are starting to cloud my mind. I don’t think I’ll even feel the cold in the next few minutes. I probably shouldn’t be drinking a beer and smoking a bowl right now. It’s kind of a waste because these paint fumes have my head spinning in ways that drugs never could. So this is why people huff spray paint… I could get into this. Now excuse me while I pass out.

Critically Rated at 6/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Unfriending Someone

I just did a little spring cleaning on my Facebook account and deleted a few people. Some people post too much stupid shit way too often and I get sick of seeing it. I know you can change the settings so that their shit doesn’t show up on your wall but it’s more fun to completely remove them from your life. Unfriending someone is like lifting the weight of the world off your shoulders. Now I don’t have to see your ugly face in my newsfeed anymore and life is so much better. I wonder if you’ll ever notice that I unfriended you. I hope you do and request to be my friend just so I can unfriend you again. That would be so sweet.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Pinky Swear

People lie all the fucking time and there is only one surefire method to get the truth from a liar. You need to get him to pinky swear. Forget putting a hand on the bible or making him swear on his mother’s grave because that shit won’t work. It’s all about the pinky swear. It’s impossible to back out of a pinky promise. The pinky swear is like the Unbreakable Vow for muggles, that shit is binding. Only one guy had the balls to break a pinky promise and he’s dead now and no one went to his funeral. That’s what happens. That’s why you have to respect a pinky swear. Who knew that intertwined phalanges held so much power?

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Stone Enjoy By 04.01.13 IPA

This might come as a surprise to you, but I like beer. I like IPAs and I like limited/seasonal beers. And so I could not pass up getting a beer called Enjoy By 04.01.13 IPA. They will take it off the shelves on April 2, 2013. It’s a great marketing ploy. It’s a beer with a time limit so you have to grab it while you can. It’s a refreshing India Pale Ale, it’s hoppy with citric notes, slightly malty and it’s fun to drink. The 9.4% alcohol content will leave your head buzzing pleasantly too. The label says it best: “There is no time better than right now to enjoy this beer,” and that’s the truth. Carpe Beerum, seize the brew.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Cool Ranch Doritos Locos Tacos

Taco Bell struck gold a few months ago when it launched their Nacho Cheese Doritos Locos Tacos. It was inevitable that there would be a sequel. And so now we have Cool Ranch Doritos Locos Tacos. Americans like to put ranch on everything and apparently that includes fake Mexican fast food. I don’t know why they couldn’t have followed it up with Salsa Verde or another flavor that makes sense, but whatever. I tried it because I’m extreme like that and I live on the edge. I liked it. It wasn’t as ranchy as I thought it would be and that’s a good thing. It tastes like a regular shitty Taco Bell taco but with hints of Cool Ranch. Try it out. There’s really no reason not to. The crazy thing about them is all that fake Cool Ranch/Nacho Cheese powder doesn’t add any calories. A regular taco and a Doritos Locos taco are both 78 calories and 113 calories if you go Supreme. That really is crazy. There’s no cure for cancer, there’s no solution to global warming… but we got tacos figured out. Good job, scientists.

Critically Rated at 11/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Wilco Tango Foxtrot

Wilco Tango Foxtrot is a limited release ale from the Lagunitas Brewing Company and it’s one of their best beers. Lagunitas is known for making bold hoppy beers, but Wilco Tango Foxtrot is more malty with caramel flavors and subtle hints of coffee and chocolate. You can still taste the hops but it doesn’t steal the show. It’s pretty strong with its 7.85% alcohol content too. This is a beer you can be proud of. If you’re lucky enough to see it in the store, grab a few bottles, call up some friends, and have a little microbrew appreciation party. And read the label; Lagunitas puts some clever shit on there.

Critically Rated at 15/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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A Dog Holding Its Own Leash

I was playing disc golf in the park today when I saw a dog emerge from the bushes. He was on a leash but there was no owner in sight. He was holding his own leash and walking himself. A dog holding its own leash is madness. It’s anarchy. It’s chaos. You’re a dog, you can’t walk yourself. You need someone to hold your leash and to pick up your shit with a little plastic bag. I don’t know where your owner is, I’d assume that he’s somewhere nearby, but it’s more fun to pretend that Fido escapes from the backyard and explores the neighborhood and sneaks back into the yard each day before his oblivious owner finds out. And he makes sure he wears a leash so the cops don’t hassle him for disobeying leash laws.

Critically Rated at 13/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Honking to Pick Up Your Passenger

Hey Mr. Asshole Driver, it’s awesome that you’re being green and saving the planet by carpooling but there’s no need to announce your arrival by honking excessively. Especially at 7:00 in the morning. There’s no excuse to wake up the whole neighborhood just because your passenger isn’t waiting curbside. You can always ring their doorbell or call/text them to tell them to come outside. That’s what normal people do: practice common courtesy. Besides, if you can afford a car you can afford a phone. Fucking use it and lay off the horn.

Critically Rated at 5/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Taking the Lord’s Name in Vain

Some people get mad when I take the Lord’s name in vain. They call it blasphemy and a huge insult to God. They need to chill the fuck out. I’m not insulting God. I’m not insulting your religion. I’m not insulting your beliefs. I’m fucking expressing myself. Get over it. That’s great that you’re religious. It’s great that you found Jesus. But don’t ever tell me that I can’t take the Lord’s name in vain. Freedom of speech still exists and I’ll say “Jesus Fucking Christ” any fucking time I fucking want to. I believe in God. I also believe he doesn’t have a problem with me saying “God-fucking-damn-it” when I stab my toe. After all, he’s the reason I stabbed my fucking toe, goddamnit.

Critically Rated at 12/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Arkham Asylum: A Serious House on Serious Earth (comic)

Arkham Asylum: A Serious House on Serious Earth is a Batman graphic novel written by Grant Morrison with art by Dave McKean. Most Batman comics are detective stories, but this one is more like a horror story. It’s April Fools Day and the Joker has taken over Arkham Asylum and threatens to kill staff members unless Batman shows up. Batman is a little reluctant to go because he’s worried that he might actually be crazy and going to Arkham would be like going home. But Batman goes anyway because he’s Batman and that’s what he does. Once he’s there, the Joker gives him a chance to escape the asylum, but it’s kind of hard because all the inmates are loose. The Batman has to fight foes like Two-Face, Killer Croc, the Scarecrow, Clayface, and a few others in order to survive. But he’s also battling his inner demons too, so there are internal and external conflicts going on.

The story is pretty solid but Dave McKean’s art takes it to a new level. It’s very dark, gothic, and chilling. It’s the perfect style for a story that takes place in a prison for crazy people. It’s also important how the words look on the page. Lettering is one of the most underrated and often overlooked aspects of comics. Letterer Gaspar Saldino’s work is definitely noticeable in this comic. He gave each character a distinctive font that matches their personality. It’s hard to put down this comic. It’s one of the most visually exciting comic book experiences that you will ever have. You’re not a Batman fan if you’ve never read this book.

Critically Rated at 15/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Leaving Your Trash in Public

I was taking my usual train to work today and I saw a middle aged guy wearing a suit reading the newspaper and sipping some Starbucks. I thought that he was a typical businessman on his way to the office, but then he left his newspaper and used cup on the ground by his seat when he got off the train. I had to do a double take, I believe flabbergasted is the word. Who the hell does this guy think he is? Why is he so important that he feels like he can leave his fucking garbage for somebody else to deal with? Leaving your trash in public is pretty low. Even your mom would lose respect for you if she caught you doing that. She raised you better than that. Nobody likes a litterbug. You shouldn’t be allowed outside if you can’t handle cleaning up after yourself.

Critically Rated at 4/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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A Girl Reciting Everything She Ate That Day

It’s a known fact that girls keep an inventory of everything that they have ever eaten in their whole entire life. I’ve lost track of how many times a girl has told me what she ate that day. It’s always the same general story. It starts with her telling you that she’s fat. Not just fat, but SOOOO fat. Then she will proceed to list off every single thing that she ate that day and in the order that she ate it. It’s something like, “Oh my god, I’m so fat. I had half a Pop-Tart and a small bowl of Cheerios with bananas for breakfast, and then I splurged and got a small Jamba after yoga because I felt like earned it, and then I had half an Odwalla bar and 6 grapes with some water at the gym. Oh, and I had Kettle Chips before the gym. I had a salad at lunch and then Stacy and I were bad and split a cheesecake! It was chocolate and strawberry and it wasssssss ssssssooooooooo yummmmmmmyyyyyyyyyyy. I swear I could eat cheesecake like everyday….” It’s best to cut her off before you hear about dinner and all the other random snacks that she shoved in her face throughout the day. That’s awesome that you’re not bulimic but I don’t give a fuck what you ate. You look good though.

Critically Rated at 9/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Snapping Your Fingers to Get Your Server’s Attention

Snapping your fingers to get your server’s attention is a huge no-no. It’s one of the most insulting things you can do to a fellow human being. Your server is a person, not a fucking dog. There’s no need to snap, whistle, or yell out “Garcon!” Yeah, it sucks when your food comes out and you just want a side of ranch, but your server has other tables and should be coming by to check on you when they can. Just be patient. Snapping your fingers might get their attention but it’s also a good way to announce that you’re a scumbag. If you think snapping is acceptable then you’ve obviously never been in a restaurant and probably don’t know how to tip. And your server knows that you’re a cheap asshole so there’s no incentive to work hard for a nonexistent tip. And your server will go back to the kitchen and tell everybody else about the snapping asshole at Table 25. And if your food tastes a little bit funny, there’s probably a reason for that. Bon appétit.

Critically Rated at 5/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Planet Terror

            Planet Terror is a 2007 Robert Rodriguez movie and one half of the double feature experience known as Grindhouse. Now when I say that it’s a Robert Rodriguez movie, I really mean that it’s a Robert Rodriguez movie. He wrote it, he directed it, he co-edited it, he produced it, he did the cinematography, and he even scored it. That’s about as hands on as you can get in Hollywood. It’s a glorified B movie about zombies and a stripper with a machine gun leg.

Rose McGowan stars as a stripper named Cherry Darling and Freddy Rodriguez plays her ex-boyfriend, the mysterious El Wray. They bump into each other on a quiet night in a rural Texas town. Things don’t stay quiet for long. A deadly biochemical gas is released at a nearby military base and it’s turning the townspeople into zombies. It’s your classic zombie movie, complete with a ragtag group of survivors doing battle with the undead.

There’s a great supporting cast including Josh Brolin, Bruce Willis, Fergie, Marley Shelton, Naveen Andrews, Michael Biehn, Jeff Fahey, and Quentin Tarantino. The look of the film is pretty unique. They scratched the film to make it look aged and more like a ‘70s flick. At one point there’s a “missing reel” and the film jumps from a steamy sex scene to all hell breaking loose. Suddenly there are more survivors, more zombies, and shit’s on fire. They jumped from the second act straight into the climax and it still works.

I remember watching Grindhouse in the theater. It was one of the best experiences I’ve ever had at the cinema. It had two movies from two of my favorite directors for the price of one ticket, and there were also bonus trailers for fake movies (some of which were so awesome that they turned them into real movies, like Machete). I felt like I went back in time. Quentin Tarantino’s Death Proof is pretty decent, but Planet Terror is more entertaining and fun.

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Jimmy Corrigan, The Smartest Kid on Earth

Jimmy Corrigan, The Smartest Kid on Earth is a graphic novel by Chris Ware about a middle aged loser named Jimmy Corrigan. It’s a very different comic from what you’re used to. The story jumps back and forth between Jimmy’s reality and his fantasies, and it flashes back and forth between the present and his childhood. There’s also a parallel story about Jimmy’s grandfather growing up a hundred years earlier.

Jimmy Corrigan is an awkward loner with a rich fantasy life. He has no friends and feels obligated to talk to his mom on the phone everyday. The main storyline is about Jimmy going to meet his estranged father for the first time, and how the two strangers try to bond despite having nothing in common and nothing to talk about. Jimmy also has a habit of slipping into a fantasy, so he’ll be talking to his father in one panel and killing him in the next before resuming the conversation as if nothing happened.

In the parallel storyline, the focus is on Jimmy’s grandfather growing up with his abusive father. Jimmy’s grandfather is also shy with an overactive imagination, and there are many subtle similarities between grandfather and grandson. They look alike, they act similar, and they both share the same name. At first this parallel story seems unnecessary but everything comes together at the end. It’s a very satisfying ending that ties up a lot of loose strings, but Jimmy doesn’t really change or grow or learn anything. It’s realistic like that. He’s a broken person at the beginning and he’s still broken at the end. He’s not happy being a loser, but that’s all he knows how to be. It’s a great book. It’s a little confusing and off-putting at first, but you can’t put it down once you get into it.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Limes

Limes are a small green citrus fruit. They grow on lime trees. They have a bitter, acidic flavor that goes well with a lot of food and drinks. It’s a staple ingredient of Thai, Vietnamese, Indian and Mexican cuisine. Limes are also extremely popular in bars. A margarita without a lime wheel is not a margarita. A gin & tonic without a lime garnish is unacceptable. A Corona without a lime wedge is downright blasphemous. It’s not a tequila shot without licking salt and biting a lime. Limes are a great source of Vitamin C, so you should always order drinks with a lime garnish at the bar. Who knew that preventing scurvy could be so much fun?

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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