Monthly Archives: December 2012

Hammers

A hammer is a tool that you use to hammer things. I like things that are called what they do. A hammer is basically two parts: a handle and a hammerhead. The hammerhead usually has a crowbar like claw on one side and the smashing part on the other side. You hold the handle and swing the hammer at the nail and try not to crush your thumb. Hammers are mostly used by construction workers and craftsmen, and no toolbox is complete without one. Hammers are one of the most practical tools, and they can also double as weapons for the impending zombie apocalypse. Aim for the skull and make it count.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Dutch Oven

You’re lying comfortably in bed without a care in the world, completely warm and wrapped tightly in your sheets. You’re totally relaxed and at ease. And then you let one rip and you snap out of your reverie. You just Dutch ovened yourself, the ultimate betrayal. A Dutch oven is a cooking pot. It’s also when you fart under the covers and are forced to smell it. It combines the joy of being farted on with the pleasure of inhaling flatulence. It’s not a great way to start your day. It’s even worse when someone else gets you. The worst is when a stranger gets you.

Critically Rated at 1/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Holiday Lights

When I was a kid, Holiday lights were known as “Christmas lights.” They were for Christmas and everyone knew it. My sisters and I would help our parents string up the lights around the front of our house. We usually waited until December to put them up, and we never put them up before Thanksgiving. Lights used to come in multiple colors. They were red, green, orange, yellow and blue, and the really fancy lights blinked on and off. And if one bulb burned out, then so would all the others. You would have to search for the broken out bulb, checking all the bulbs one at a time until you found the culprit and replaced it. Those were Christmas lights. Now they are all Holiday lights. Holiday lights are typically white lights that are supposed to mimic icicles. But they don’t look like icicles. At all. They look like daggers of white light stabbing my precious childhood memories. Holiday lights might look festive, but I miss Christmas lights.

Critically Rated at 12/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

 

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Me Neither

If someone says, “I don’t want to go to the DMV,” then you should respond with “Me neither.” A lot of people forget that “neither” is a word. And so they don’t use it. I don’t know why, it’s a pretty cool word and you barely get to use it. Plus you seem stupid when you respond with “me either.” It’s “me neither.” Why? I don’t know why, it’s something to do with negatives and that’s just how it is. Don’t make up your own rules for the English language and you won’t have problems with grammar Nazis. Don’t say things if you don’t know how to say them. You don’t want to let all the Pandoras out of the box.

Critically Rated at 5/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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The Sandman: World’s End

A group of travelers get caught in a storm and seek refuge in a mysterious Inn. They pass the time by telling stories. But since this is a Neil Gaiman story, the travelers come from different times, places, and dimensions, the storm that rages is a reality storm, and the inn itself exists between different realms. I think Neil Gaiman smokes a lot of drugs.

            This is the eighth volume of The Sandman, collecting issues #51-#56. Morpheus only makes a few appearances in this volume, the main character is a new guy named Brant Tucker. Brant is driving cross-country when it starts to snow and he gets in an accident. He seeks help at an inn called World’s End. He meets a bunch of other travelers and they regale each other with stories.

            There are stories about characters that we already know like the faerie Cluracan and the immortal Hob Gadling. There’s a story about a US President that makes you wonder how an English author knows so much about Americana. There’s a haunting story about a guy who gets caught in the dreams of a city. And there’s another story about people telling stories in a city for the dead. It’s very meta. Neil Gaiman is telling a story about a guy telling a story in a bar about how he heard stories in an inn, and one of those stories had characters telling stories in that story. Get it? Because I understand it and I still don’t get it.

            This is one of my favorite volumes of The Sandman. If you’ve thought about reading it but aren’t sure if you want to invest all the time, start here and see if you like it. You can just pick it up and read it and understand what The Sandman is about without reading the entire series. It’s a good entry point. It’s smart. It’s entertaining. And it’s a great story.

Critically Rated at 16/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Arizona Green Tea with Ginseng and Honey

Arizona Green Tea is the tall boy of choice for millions of underage drinkers around the US. Their Green Tea with Ginseng and Honey is a nice, cheap beverage. 99¢ goes a long way. It’s refreshing and cheap and has caffeine. I prefer it over Snapple and you get more for your money. It’s cheap too. Don’t Know if I mentioned that yet. But it is. You can buy a small bottle of water for a dollar or you can get an Arizona. The Arizona is bigger and has water in it. It’s a better deal.

Critically Rated at 13/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Mickey’s

Mickey’s is a malt liquor that they describe as a “fine malt liquor.” It’s not that fine. It’s just your typical 40oz. It doesn’t taste that good. I’ve never met a single person that says Mickey’s is their favorite drink, and I doubt I ever will. You drink it out of desperation, not to enjoy the subtle flavors of cheap booze. It is 5.6% alcohol, which isn’t that impressive for a forty. Forties should fuck you up. Mickey’s only gets you buzzed. Maybe that’s why there’s picture of a bee on the label. I liked Mickey’s more when I thought it was stronger. If you want to get drunk on a budget than forties are the way to go. But you might want to pass on the Mickey’s and get something a little bit stronger.

Critically Rated at 6/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Buying a Bag

Living in San Francisco has its benefits. There’s good people, great food, museums and parks and tourist attractions galore. There’s also a stupid law forbidding plastic bags from grocery and convenience stores. The goal is to save the environment by making you bring your own reusable bags. Don’t worry though: if you forget to bring your bag you can buy a paper bag for ten cents. It kind of sucks. You don’t even get a choice between paper or plastic. It’s paper or bust, and you’re fucked if it’s raining. A few years ago, a dime bag in SF was weed. Now it’s literally a bag that costs a dime. Global warming changes everything.

Critically Rated at 4/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Turning on the Faucet When You’re Taking a Shit

You ate some bad seafood and it’s not agreeing with your stomach. You run down the hall to the bathroom and make it just before your bowels erupt. You’re a little embarrassed because it’s coming out fast and it’s coming out furious. You turn on the sink to try to drown out the noise. It masks the sound slightly, but turning on the faucet when you’re taking a shit is unnecessary. Everyone already knows that you’re pooping. The sound of running water isn’t fooling anyone and it doesn’t do anything to hide the stench. It just gives you a little piece of mind and makes you less self-conscious about your bowel movements. It also reminds you to wash your hands when you finish.

Critically Rated at 5/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Homeless People Riding the Bus Because It’s Raining

I don’t mind the rain. I like the smell of a fresh downpour. I like the sound of raindrops hitting the roof. I like using the emergency umbrella I carry in my backpack. The only thing I don’t like are the homeless people riding the bus because it’s raining. If you live in a city and rely on public transportation, you’ve probably experienced this too. The rain starts to fall and the homeless try to get dry. They’ll jump on the bus and ride it until their transfer expires. I’m not opposed to homeless people using public transportation, I’m opposed to wet and smelly homeless people using public transportation. It’s worse than wet dog smell. It’s a combination of piss, stale beer, sweaty socks, and depression. Wet bum stench gets stuck in your nostrils and lingers long after you get off the bus. There’s no escaping the stink, it follows you, it knows where you live, and it will haunt your dreams.

Critically Rated at 4/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Filed under People I Feel Sorry For

George Foreman Grill

The George Foreman Lean Mean Fat-Reducing Grilling Machine is one of the best infomercial products of all time with over 100 million units sold. That’s a lot of fat-reduced burgers, steaks, and sausages. Men like to cook meat with fire but we don’t always have that option. That’s when an electric countertop grill comes in handy. The beauty of the George Foreman Grill lies with the angled clamshell design that heats both sides simultaneously while channeling the grease down into a catcher. Later they added a bun warmer on top and perfection was achieved. The George Foreman grill is staple of dorm rooms and bachelor pads around the world. Wikipedia tells me that the George Foreman Grill is also endorsed by Jackie Chan in Asian markets. I wouldn’t recommend cooking rice on the grill though.

Critically Rated at 16/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Filed under Snacks

Kettle Chips Jalapeño Jack

         Chips are good. Cheese is good. Kettle Brand potato chips with a jalapeño jack flavor is even better. This is a limited batch commemorating thirty years in the potato chip business. It’s a delicious milestone. The chips aren’t Krinkle Cut like some of the other Kettle chips, they look kind of like Lay’s. They taste similar to a sour cream & onion flavor, but they are spicier. In a blind taste test there’s no way you could label this as a jalapeño jack flavor without being told that it was jalapeño jack. Try them out, you might like them. They won’t be available for long so grab them while you can.

Critically Rated at 10/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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