Monthly Archives: December 2012

Being Crunched for Time

I hate being late. I hate knowing that I’m going to be late. It seems like the whole world decides to relax and take it easy when I’m late. Like the universe is trying to slow me down even more. Being crunched for time means everything starts to go wrong. You get stuck behind an old lady driving. A family with way too many kids is blocking the sidewalk. The line at Starbucks is out the door and the guy in front of you doesn’t know what a Venti is. It’s enough to make you lash out and slap a stranger. Instead you bite your tongue and remember that patience is a fucking virtue. But you’re still going to be late.

Critically Rated at 5/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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A Streetlight That’s On During The Daytime

Every now and then I will notice a random streetlight that’s on during the daytime. It’s bright out, the sun is still shining high in the sky, and there’s one streetlight that’s on. There’s no reason for it to be on. None of the other streetlights around it are on. It’s just that one stubborn light trying to outdo the sun. It’s not right. I don’t trust it. It’s up to something.

Critically Rated at 6/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Anchor Steam

Anchor Steam beer is the real San Francisco treat. The Anchor Steam Brewing Company was one of the first microbreweries to go national. They have a few different beers, but their flagship beer is Anchor Steam. Steam beer is also called California common beer, the brewing process results in a beer that has both ale and lager characteristics. Anchor Steam is refreshing and smooth. It has an 4.9% alcohol content so it’s not that strong. It’s still a great beer and I’m enjoying one now.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Being On-Call

You get scheduled shifts for when you are supposed to work. Sometimes you’re a scheduled as an On-Call. That means that you have to call in and ask if they need to work that day. You might have to work if someone who was scheduled to work that day called out or if it’s going to be really busy. Being On-Call sucks. If you assume you won’t get called in and make plans, then you’ll be called in. If you plan on working, they won’t need you. It’s a catch-22. You can’t win.

Critically Rated at 4/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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The Simpsons Movie

The Simpsons Movie is the movie based on The Simpsons (just in case you couldn’t work that out from the title). Springfield is dangerously polluted and Homer’s ignorance pushes it over the boiling point. The US Government quarantines the town by trapping the citizens under a giant glass dome. The Springfieldians discover what Homer did, and the Simpsons are forced to flee to Alaska. Oh yeah, hijinks ensue.

The Simpsons were already a staple of American entertainment by the time the movie was released. It came out a few months before the start of the 19th season. The Simpsons rewards you for watching it. It’s overwhelming how many jokes, characters, and references there are that allude to early episodes. The movie feels like an extended episode. It’s really fast paced and doesn’t drag on or anything, But it really doesn’t feel like anything is at stake. Bart finds a surrogate father in Ned Flanders, something he’s done a few times on the show. Lisa finds a boyfriend, something that’s happened multiple times on the show. Marge gets mad at Homer, which happens a few times each season. And Homer does something stupid, which happens in every single episode. A cameo from Green Day and Tom Hanks isn’t that surprising considering the galaxy of stars that have appeared on the show.

The Simpsons Movie is raunchier and has better animation than the show, but there are episodes of the show that are funnier and smarter than the movie. The movie isn’t bad. It’s funny and smart and has a message. They just waited too long to make it. It would have been awesome if it came out in 1997. The show has had so many episodes and zany situations that nothing surprises you in the movie. Except for seeing Bart’s wiener. Nobody saw that coming.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Thinking You See Someone You Know

You’re downtown running errands and you see your friend walking towards you. You start walking over, greeting him as you go. You get a few feet away from him and realize you’re talking to a complete stranger. You can brush past him and pretend you’re talking to someone else or you can apologize and explain that you thought he was someone else. Thinking you see someone you know and having it be a stranger is kind of a let down. It’s like seeing The Phantom Menace for the first time and wondering what happened to Star Wars. What happened to my friend? And who the fuck are you? I’m just going to try and pretend you don’t exist. Next time you better be who I think you are.

Critically Rated at 4/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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South Park: Bigger, Longer & Uncut

South Park: Bigger, Longer & Uncut is a movie based on the hit TV show. And half the title is a penis joke. Most TV shows only get a movie after they’ve been cancelled or towards the end of their run, but they started developing this movie during the first season. This was my first introduction to South Park. I hadn’t even seen an episode before watching the movie. It was almost too much to grasp. It was howlingly funny, shockingly stupid, and a bona fide musical.

            I remember buying the soundtrack and making my mom listen to it as she shuttled me around. The songs are actually good. The lyrics are absurd, but this is one of the best musical comedies of the last thirty years. I can’t really think of that many musical comedies, but that’s beside the point.

To sum up the plot: The kids of South Park go crazy after seeing the Terrance and Phillip movie. Kyle’s mom is a bitch and declares war on Canada and Terrance and Phillip. Kenny dies and goes to Hell and finds out that Satan and Saddam Hussein plan on taking over the world when Terrance and Phillip’s blood is spilled on American soil. It’s up to Stan, Kyle, and Cartman to lead La Resistance and save the world.

Watching the movie is like revisiting old friends like Terrance and Phillip, Chef, Big Gay Al and Mr. Hat. They even introduce one-time memorable characters like The Mole. South Park has changed a lot from the early seasons. You can really see how much the show has evolved. The South Park movie is essential viewing for any South Park fan, even though it feels kind of dated now. It’s still hilarious, but it seems kind of tame when compared to the more recent seasons. It would be interesting to see how they would handle another South Park movie.

Critically Rated at 15/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Olde English “800”

It’s the holiday season and that means that I’m drinking on a budget. ‘Tis the season for 40-ounce bottles of malt liquor. Olde English “800” is one the more popular forties. It’s made by Miller Brewing Company and has an alcoholic content of 7.5% (at least on the West Coast). O.E. is the forty of choice for a lot of people. If you need to get drunk for cheap, grab a couple of these and call it a night. It doesn’t taste very good, but it’s strong enough to get you drunk and that’s all that matters. I used to think that people drank forties out of paper bags so they wouldn’t get busted for drinking in public. Now that I’m older, I realize that it’s to hide the label because they are ashamed of what they’re drinking.

Critically Rated at 11/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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TV Shows are Better than Movies

Movies used to be the premier form of Hollywood entertainment. They were the pinnacle. They had the best actors, the best directors, the best stories, and the best effects. But then HBO started making their own shows. They had the budget to hire quality actors to portray quality characters. Characters are the most important part of storytelling. If you don’t care about the character, then you don’t care about what happens to them. And a TV series allows a character to get developed over multiple episodes and seasons. You get to know their personality, their quirks, their pet peeves, and you feel like you truly know them.

AMC has a lot of amazing character based dramas, like Mad Men and Breaking Bad, with interesting characters and intriguing storylines. The Walking Dead not only has great characters but also feels like a zombie movie that never ends. And it has more graphic and creative zombie deaths than anything in the movies. There are shows like True Blood that are extremely sexual and violent and Spartacus (which makes True Blood seem like a family show). The quality writing on television is extended to Cartoon Network. Even the worst season of Star Wars: The Clone Wars is better than anything the prequel trilogy has to offer.

In the old days, any actor could be on TV but only a few actors could transition to the big screen and be a box office draw. Now movie stars want to be on television. The Simpsons and Scrubs are famous for their celebrity cameos and guest roles. Former Hollywood heavyweights like Keifer Sutherland got a career boost by turning to TV. Dustin Hoffman, Steve Buscemi, and Sean Bean put aside film opportunities to star in HBO shows. Kevin Spacey, Christian Slater, William H. Macy, Alec Baldwin, Kathy Bates, Zooey Deschanel, Danny DeVito, Christina Ricci, Laura Linney, Don Cheadle, and Glenn Close have all chosen television over film. Who needs to go to the theater with that kind of star power available on a weekly basis?

With HBO hits like The Sopranos and Sex in the City, other networks started paying more attention to quality programming. Premium cable channels like Starz and Showtime stepped up their game. Basic cable networks like FX and AMC had to keep up and they did. And the major networks took note and started taking more risks. We get shows as diverse as Lost and Community and everybody wins. The production quality and star power of television shows is only going to increase. It’s a good time to be a couch potato with a Netflix subscription.

Critically Rated at 16/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Forgetting To Put On Deodorant

You wake up late and rush around grabbing your stuff and getting ready before heading out for work. An hour or two into your shift you get a whiff of something unpleasant. You sniff around for the source, perplexed as to how the stink keeps following you. Then you realize that it’s you. You can’t remember putting on deodorant. And if you’re not sure if you put on deodorant, you probably didn’t. And if you can smell your own B.O., it’s guaranteed that everyone else in the vicinity can smell you too. You’ll be ok, just don’t hit on anyone.

Critically Rated at 6/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Lea & Perrins Worcestershire Sauce

Steak. Steak is delicious and amazing. Some people add sauce or spices to amp up the flavor factor. A lot of people like A1 Steak Sauce or merlot garlic butter. I prefer my steak with some Worcestershire sauce, preferably Lea & Perrins brand. Worcestershire is a tongue twister. They should give you a free bottle if you can say it ten times fast without fucking up. Worcestershire sauce is a smorgasbord of flavor enhancers. It’s made of malt vinegar, spirit vinegar, molasses, sugar, salt, anchovies, tamarind extract, onions, garlic, spice, and flavoring. Mmmmm, flavoring. Wikipedia suggests that the spice and flavoring are cloves, soy sauce, lemons, pickles, and peppers. I pretty much like the flavors and tastes of all those items. Tamarind extract is especially appetizing.

Critically Rated at 15/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Cheez-It Big

Sometimes you’re hungry and want something more than a snack but less than a meal. There was once a time where you were doomed to stay in this hunger limbo, but now there are big Cheez-Its. They are cleverly packaged as Cheez-It Big. It’s “Twice the Size!” with “Big Taste!” They taste like regular Cheez-Its, but they are bigger. I don’t know why they had to make them bigger. It’s not like a bigger Cheez-It is more practical than a regular sized Cheez-It. They both fit in your hand, they both taste the same, and they are just as portable. We are getting sick of remakes and sequels in Hollywood, we don’t need it from snack companies too. There is really no reason for this product to exist.

Critically Rated at 12/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Kid’s Cup

A kid’s cup is a cup for a child or clumsy teenager. They are typically plastic with bright, colorful displays and a plastic lid with a straw to prevent spills. It’s one step up from a sippy-cup. They are fun when you’re little, but you start getting offended when you’ve hit double digits and you’re still getting a kid’s cup. You want the real thing. You want a glass or at least a cup without a lid. You’ve earned the right to spill on yourself, damn it.

Critically Rated at 8/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Getting a Frisbee Stuck in a Tree

It’s fun to throw a Frisbee around in the park. But parks have trees and occasionally Frisbees get stuck in them. They are practically designed to get snagged by branches and stuck on a limb. You’ll spend a few minutes scanning the leaves before you spot the disc. If climbing the tree is out of the question, you’ll have to resort to throwing rocks, pinecones, sticks, water bottles, anything you can get your hands on. You’ll go caveman on the tree for a few minutes before someone knocks it down or everyone gives up. It sucks losing a Frisbee to a tree because it’s not even lost. You know exactly where it is. You just can’t get it. And it’s up there taunting you, mocking your athletic ability. You have failed and now your failure is on display for everyone to see.

Critically Rated at 4/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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The Wrong Size Trash Bags

You used up the last of your trash bags and it’s time to get more. You go to the store and are slightly overwhelmed by the many different choices. There’s different brands, different capacities, different colors, some have handles, some don’t. You grab the one that’s on sale and head to the register. You get home, open the box, take off a bag, whip it open, try to fit it in the garbage can, and realize it’s way too small. You have a whole roll of garbage bags that don’t fit your garbage can. What the fuck, 15 gallon capacity isn’t enough? Getting the wrong size trash bags makes you want to put one of those bags over your head so you asphyxiate and die.

Critically Rated at 5/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Souvenirs

Souvenirs are the little knickknacks you get for friends and family members when you go on vacation. It’s a way of bragging about where you’ve been and pretending you were thinking about them when you were drinking margaritas under the sun. Most of the time souvenirs are display items that you’ll never use like magnets, key chains, shot glasses, and decorative spoons. Sometimes you get a postcard. That’s good for 30 seconds of reading one or two times before you stick it in a drawer and forget about it. Sometimes you get a shirt that you’ll never wear, because every time someone sees South Dakota on your shirt and asks about South Dakota you’ll have to explain that it was just a souvenir and you’ve never been to South Dakota, and nobody wants to talk about South Dakota more than they have to, so it’s just better to let the South Dakota shirt hang in the closet.

            If I were in charge of souvenir stands, I would make practical items. Power drills, toothbrushes, and clothes hampers for a start. Things that people need, stamped with a place they’ve only read about. If I can’t go to New Zealand, at least I can clean my gutters with my Auckland pressure hose.

Critically Rated at 9/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Goldfish Parmesan

Goldfish Parmesan are the Parmesan cheese-flavored version of Pepperidge Farm’s famous fish-shaped baked snack crackers. They taste kind of bland when compared to the other flavors of Goldfish. They don’t taste cheesy at all, which is ok because processed cheese flavor can sometimes be overwhelming and slightly disgusting. It’s impossible to look tough when you’re eating Goldfish. Little smiling fishlike snacks aren’t that intimidating for some reason. Goldfish Parmesan is decent, but more flavor would be nice. I’ll stick with the classic Cheddar flavor for now.

Critically Rated at 10/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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