April 28, 2013 · 10:43 am

Free Shots

You’re at the bar, a few drinks in, and you’re silently debating to yourself whether or not you want to sneak away. Then suddenly the bartender plops down a few glasses in front of your group and declares that the next shot is on the house. Now there’s no escape. Free shots are both a blessing and a curse. Don’t get me wrong, I will never turn down free booze… but if I wanted a shot I would have ordered one. Free shots usually contain the worst alcohol in the bar, but the bartender always acts like they are hooking you up. They aren’t hooking you up. They are getting rid of an unwanted product and they think that disposing it on you will lead to a higher tip. And it usually works because then you feel obligated to open your wallet. Nothing good can come out of a free shot. It leads to regret and blacking out and possibly throwing up in the bathroom. Free shots are the adult form of peer pressure. Everyone’s doing it, you might as well too.

Critically Rated at 9/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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April 28, 2013 · 10:40 am

Popcorn Chicken

Popcorn chicken are bite-sized pieces of chicken that are deep-fried. They make a mediocre meal but a significant snack. It’s probably made of all the rejected pieces of chicken that weren’t good enough to be served, but the taste is all that matters. Who doesn’t like fried chicken? Especially when they are bite-sized and boneless? You pop one after another into your mouth and enjoy them… until they get cold and gross and you ask yourself why you bought Popcorn Chicken. It’s kind of a fucking oxymoron, it doesn’t even make sense. It always seems like a good idea until you order them, then you start to regret your decision pretty quickly. I first experienced popcorn chicken at KFC, and they’ve since caught on and I’ve seen them on a few different restaurant menus. They are usually listed as an appetizer, but you shouldn’t have any qualms about ordering them as your entrée. Popcorn chicken: because bones are so yesterday.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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April 27, 2013 · 9:55 am

Power Outage

I’m an American of the 21st century and I rely on electricity. Sometimes the power goes out, mostly because of freak accidents involving weather or vehicles hitting utility poles, and occasionally it gets shut off because of neglected electrical bills. It’s always good to be prepared and have a flashlight or candles handy in case of an emergency. A source of light is comforting and it’s also nice to be able to see what you’re doing. Just be careful if you’re taking a piss by candlelight: dripping hot wax on your junk isn’t that fun. It burns and you’ll probably drop the candle in the toilet. When I was a kid, a power outage was a time to gather around the kitchen table playing cards and board games while eating ice cream before it melts. These days everyone gathers around the iPad, hoping it doesn’t run out of battery because then they would actually have to talk to each other. And kids are already too fat today; they don’t need any more ice cream.

Critically Rated at 9/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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April 27, 2013 · 9:52 am

Charley Horse

If you’re in middle school, a charley horse is when you punch someone else in the thigh so hard that they can’t walk for a few minutes. If you’re grown up and somewhat mature, a charley horse is when you have muscle cramps or spasms in your legs. They fucking suck. It’s just a sudden explosion of pain as your muscles seize up and constrict uncontrollably. You can’t walk, you can’t think, all you can do is cry and wait for the sensation to pass. Consider your lazy ass lucky if you’ve never experienced one. You don’t get them from sitting on your ass, you get them from a physical activity. It’s a downside to being active and enjoying life. Sometimes when you run around, your leg will cramp up (especially if you don’t stretch first). Just remember that pain is good and that you earned that pain.

Critically Rated at 7/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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April 26, 2013 · 9:43 am

Picking Your Nose in Public

I ordered some food the other day and was waiting in line to pick it up when I noticed a guy sitting at a table savagely picking his nose. He was digging for gold, silver, platinum, diamonds, one ring to rule them all… I mean he was going at it. Most public nose pickers try to be subtle about it. This guy was not ashamed at all. He was picking with so much gusto that I was afraid his nose would start gushing blood. He really had no sense of shame about it. I couldn’t look away, I was too fascinated. Picking your nose in public is slightly taboo, but this guy turned it into an art form. It made me feel inadequate about my own nose picking skills. I didn’t know how good some people are at it. This guy could teach a class.

Critically Rated at 10/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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April 26, 2013 · 9:41 am

Whistling With Your Fingers

I wish I knew how to whistle with my fingers. I know how to do a basic whistle, the normal whistle that everyone can do. But it seems like only a few people have mastered whistling with their fingers. It’s much louder and far more impressive. It’s a piercing shriek that demands attention. You’ll hear it at sports events during celebrations and in cliché movie scenes where they hail a taxicab. I’ve watched YouTube instructional videos where they teach you how to finger whistle. They break down all the steps so I can pinpoint the exact moment where I fail. I can spend about three and a half minutes blowing spit and saliva between my fingers before I get lightheaded and give up. Maybe I’m not supposed to know how to finger whistle. I would only use it for evil anyway.

Critically Rated at 13/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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April 25, 2013 · 10:30 am

Throwing Up After a Night of Drinking

I had a lot to drink last night and I felt it this morning. I woke up in pain. I tried to lie in bed and pretend that I was ok, but I couldn’t keep up the charade for long. As soon as I heard my roommate leave the bathroom, I ran in, raised the toilet lid, and shoved my finger down my throat. I was feeling much better after a couple of heaves. There’s nothing wrong with throwing up after a night of drinking. It will make your stomach feel better and you’ll feel less hungover. Drinking is fun, hangovers aren’t, and if puking relieves your pain then go for it.

Critically Rated at 12/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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April 25, 2013 · 10:27 am

Monster Energy

Monster Energy is not an energy drink; it’s an energy supplement. It says so right on the label. There are a lot of energy drinks/supplements on the market, and this is one of the big three. If Red Bull is Coke and Rockstar is Pepsi, then Monster would be RC Cola. It has a sweeter taste than Red Bull and Rockstar, but there’s something weird about the flavor. It’s hard to describe, it’s sweet and slightly fruity but I have no idea what fruit flavor it’s trying to emulate. It has caffeine, taurine, ginseng, B vitamins, L-carnitine, and a shit ton of sugar. I have no idea what L-carnitine is or what it does, but if it keeps me from passing out I’m all for it. You feel like your heart is going to explode if you chug it too fast. That can’t be a good thing.

Critically Rated at 12/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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April 24, 2013 · 10:20 am

Red Letter Media’s Phantom Menace Review

I am a nerd and every few months I get the inkling to watch Star Wars: Episode I – The Phantom Menace. That’s a mistake and I know it, so whenever I started fiending for that shitty prequel I go online and search for Red Letter Media’s Phantom Menace review. This is a comprehensive and humorous video review that showcases and highlights all the things wrong with the movie. You always knew that The Phantom Menace was a terrible movie, and Red Letter Media explains why. They go into detail bashing the story, the lack of a main character, the rest of the characters, the plot holes, and how George Lucas started powertripping and lost his vision. And once you watch it, you can never look at Episode I the same way again. They have a lot of valid points and any film buff would appreciate watching this scathing review. The review is narrated in voiceover by an unseen creepy old man with a penchant for kidnapping young white females. It’s a seven-part video; each segment is about 10 minutes long. It’s better than watching The Phantom Menace and you learn way more than you would with the DVD commentary. Now you can get your Phantom fix without suffering through the actual movie.

Critically Rated at 13/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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April 24, 2013 · 10:17 am

Bringing a Glove to the Game

It’s baseball season and I love every minute of it, so I’m warning you now that I’ll be writing a bunch of shit about baseball for the next few months. Today’s baseball topic is bringing a glove to the game. Bringing a glove to the game means that you are either really optimistic or six-years-old. I’ve been to over two hundred baseball games in my life and have never caught a ball. I’ve had three major chances, and I would have caught them if I had my glove. I’ve only brought my glove to a few games. One time I was sitting in premium foul ball territory right along the third baseline, so I made sure to bring it. Not a single foul ball came anywhere in the vicinity of me and I almost left my glove at the bar after the game. Wearing a glove is only acceptable at the game, you look like a tool anywhere outside of the stadium. It’s a Catch-22, you’re damned if you do and you’re damned if you don’t. I might never catch a foul ball, but one time I saw a guy get smashed in the face with a loose bat. That almost makes up for it. I just want to catch one ball in my life. I don’t even want to keep the ball. I want to catch it, have my five seconds of glory, and then give it to a little kid nearby. He’ll treasure it more than I would. Unless he throws it back.

Critically Rated at 12/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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April 23, 2013 · 11:11 am

Rocking a Jersey

You’re not a real fan of a team until you get a jersey. Picking a jersey is like getting a new tattoo. It’s a commitment and you have to be sure you’re making the right choice. Which team are you supporting? Which player represents you? Are you going to wear the number of current athlete or a retired great? Home jersey or away? Limited-edition commemorative jersey or a standard issue one? You can have multiple jerseys, but you always remember your first one and you always have a favorite. I love going to games and seeing my fellow fans decked out in familiar names and numbers. I see the little kids rocking the current roster and I see the old folks wearing the names of legends, the heroes of their childhood. Something about rocking a jersey makes you feel like you’re apart of the team. After all, you’re wearing the same uniform. Rocking a jersey makes the game more real, whether you’re in the stands or watching at home.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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April 23, 2013 · 11:06 am

Red Bull – The Blue Edition

Red Bull is the undisputed king of the energy drinks. But even they feel the need to shake things up a bit every once in a while and so they have created Silver, Red, and Blue Editions of their signature product. Silver is lime flavored, the red is cranberry flavored, and The Blue Edition is blueberry flavored. It’s not overly sweet and its taste vaguely resembles blueberries. It tastes sort of like a diet drink while it’s on your tongue, but there’s no lingering aftertaste. It takes some getting used to, but I like it more and more with each sip. If you like regular Red Bull, you’ll also like this. It also has a cool blue can with cool graphics and appearances are important. You’ll make friends if you buy The Blue Edition Red Bull.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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April 22, 2013 · 10:25 am

Drinking With Someone Who Doesn’t Drink

I went out to the baseball game the other day. It was my first game of the season and I was meeting up with an old friend. Our pact was simple: You buy the tickets and I’ll buy the beer. Naturally I was going to get inebriated. Gameday rolls around and we meet up at the stadium. I buy the first round, and I finish my beer before he’s even halfway done. So I bought another beer and finished it as he finished his first. I offered to buy another round and he said no. So I bought another beer for myself mostly because we had to kill time before first pitch. It was a hot day too, and I don’t need much of an excuse to crack a brew. It took until my fourth beer to realize that I was drinking with someone who doesn’t drink. I suddenly felt sloppy and like an alcoholic. But then I looked and noticed that the line for Budweiser was longer than the line for hot dogs and realized that he was the weird one, not me. Props for having restraint and self-control, but I’d prefer a few bottles of suds over soda any day of the week. Drinking with someone who doesn’t drink is ok as long as they don’t judge you and as long as you don’t judge them. It’s like eating a burger in front of a vegetarian; you don’t talk about how amazing it is because they don’t want to hear about it.

Critically Rated at 10/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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April 22, 2013 · 10:23 am

Lay’s Sriracha Potato Chips

Lay’s Classic Potato chips are the stereotypical American potato chip. They are small and greasy and nothing special. Until now. Now they have a Sriracha-infused potato chip, it’s part of a customer contest that brought us a few other potato chip flavors, such as Chicken & Waffles and Cheesy Garlic Bread. The Sriracha flavor is probably the best of the bunch. The first chip you pop in your mouth tastes like a regular Lay’s chip. But as you start munching on more chips, they start getting hotter and hotter. The spicy flavor isn’t apparent at first, but it slowly starts building its intensity. It creeps up on you like a good sativa. The spiciness lingers long after each bite. You’ll be sweating after a handful. I think it’s the perfect amount of spicy. Less intense than Flamin’ Hot Cheetos, but still hot enough for a jalapeno lover. Give them a try.

Critically Rated at 13/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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April 21, 2013 · 9:36 am

Holding the Door Open

Holding the door open for other people is good etiquette. If you’re the first one in your group to reach the restaurant, you should hold open the door and let your friends in first. If you’re a guy trying to impress a girl, holding open the door is a surefire way to get in her pants. Chicks dig chivalry. Holding the door open for strangers is polite and good karma. The other night I was waiting for my train in the subway and heard a guy asking for someone to hold the door. I looked up and saw a homeless guy in a wheelchair pushing himself along with his feet at a steady 3mph pleading for someone to stop the train. I got up and blocked the doors from closing two or three times. An annoyed lady yelled at me to stop blocking them. I just gave her a dirty look and smirked when her jaw dropped as his crippled ass rolled into view. His wheels got stuck in the gap between the platform and the train, so I had to grab the handles and tilt him back and a random passenger jumped up to help. We worked together and finally got him onto the train, then I stepped back and I heard the formerly rude lady yell out, “Thank you!” as the doors closed. I didn’t help because I wanted brownie points from a crowd full of strangers; I just held the door open because that’s what you’re supposed to do. It’s a nice, simple way to make someone else’s life a little easier.

Critically Rated at 15/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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April 21, 2013 · 9:33 am

Dr. Stein’s Bagel Dog

I don’t know what kind of degree Dr. Stein has, but he makes the quintessential bagel dog. A bagel dog is a hot dog encased in bagel bread. Kinda like a corn dog, but without the stick and bagel dough instead of cornbread. Dr. Stein’s Bagel Dog is all beef and certified kosher for all you hot dog loving Jews out there. It’s microwavable but it tastes better when you cook it in the oven. Here’s your random bagel dog fact of the day: Dr. Stein’s Bagel Dogs have a Facebook and Twitter account but they don’t have an entry on Wikipedia. That’s kind of creepy in this digital world we’re living in. If you’re not on Wikipedia, than you don’t exist.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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April 20, 2013 · 9:25 am

Early Morning Bathroom Battle

I live with a few roommates and we only have one bathroom. That means I get to experience the early morning bathroom battle a few times a week. That’s when you get up around the same time as someone else and you fight each other for the bathroom. Most people can’t function until they get through their morning routine, so there’s a lot more tension and less etiquette involved when dealing with sleep-deprived creatures fighting for the same space. You always feel like you are more deserving of the bathroom, that you’re more important. You’ll try to justify that your hygienic needs are more vital than his. It’s essential that you take a shower and you take one now. Your roomie can always brush his teeth in the kitchen or resort to pissing in a bottle… he just wants the bathroom, he doesn’t need it. There’s no better way to start the day than by arguing over who gets to use the shitter first. The early morning bathroom battle can turn violent, but it’s mostly a lot of name-calling and pounding on the door and telling them to hurry the fuck up.

Critically Rated at 10/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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