January 4, 2014 · 9:00 am

“Two Princes” by Spin Doctors

“Two Princes” is one of the premier hits of the ‘90s. It’s also one of the happiest songs that you will ever hear. It was written and performed by New York City’s Spin Doctors off of their album Pocket Full of Kryptonite. It has an upbeat melody and an infectious hook that gets stuck in your head. It’s impossible to listen to this song and not feel anything but pure joy. I’m not sure what he’s singing about, but I know I like it. I once listened to it on repeat on the way to work one miserable Monday morning. It was the best decision I ever made. An uplifting song makes everything better. People would run for the bus, miss it, and throw their hands up in exasperation, but they seemed happy about it when it was set to this song. Every smile, every wave, every laugh, and head nod seems to be for you. Listening to this song while experiencing real life is way better than any music video.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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January 4, 2014 · 8:58 am

Mo’s Dark Chocolate Bacon Bar

Mo’s Dark Chocolate Bacon Bar is a chocolate bar with real bits of bacon. They describe it on the package as being 62% dark chocolate with Hickory smoked uncured bacon and Alderwood smoked salt. It tastes like your standard dark chocolate candy bar. You wouldn’t know that there was bacon in it unless someone told you it wasn’t kosher. It has a little bit of a salty taste, but you can hardly detect any bacon. It’s good. It’s just not bacon-good. I was a little disappointed. I wanted more bacon. It was way too subtle. If you’re advertising a bacon candy bar, I expect to taste some fucking bacon. For shame, for shame.

Critically Rated at 9/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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January 3, 2014 · 10:01 am

Celebrating With Strangers

My New Year’s Eve wasn’t exactly perfect, but it was one of the most memorable midnights I’ve ever had. I started the evening by trying to decide where to go. A few friends were going to an event that cost about $200 for a ticket. That was more than I was willing to spend. A few other friends decided to go barhopping, but I didn’t feel like paying a $20 cover and having to battle the amateurs to get the bartender’s attention. I ended up going to the dive bar near my work. It was close to the fireworks and I knew that a lot of my friends from work would end up there eventually. Unfortunately, nobody got cut in time, so I decided to go to my super secret hideout at the top of a nearby hill.

My super secret hideout is an overlooked viewpoint at the top of a hill near Pier 39. You have a view of the Golden Gate Bridge, the Richmond-San Rafael Bridge, and the Bay Bridge, and you can see for miles and miles if there’s no fog. And this was a clear night, perfect conditions for watching the fireworks. The only downside to my hideout is that you have to hop a gate and hike up a long flight of stairs. I jumped over the gate and started the long climb up. I was almost to the top when I noticed three guys smoking a blunt. They were probably in their late teens or early twenties. I nodded to them and kept on climbing. I got to the top and there was a young couple sitting on a bench. There are only two benches at the peak, so I took over the other one, put down my bag and pulled out a joint. I sparked it, took a few puffs, and offered it to the couple. They politely turned it down, but we started making small talk about how smart we were to come up to this amazing spot. The fireworks were about to start so the three younger guys came up and joined us. I passed them my joint, they passed me their blunt, and couple kept track of the time.

As midnight approached we could hear the thousands of people at Pier 39 counting down in unison. You could feel the energy in the air, an electricity as 2014 was closing in. Three! Two! One! Happy New Year! And then we heard the whistle of a firework rising into the air, we saw a flash of read, we heard the boom as it exploded, and we realized that we couldn’t see the fireworks. Not at all. They were behind a gigantic mansion perched on a slightly higher hill. We could hear the booms and cheers of adulation, but we couldn’t see anything.

And we didn’t care. We just laughed and popped open a bottle of champagne that the young couple provided. We smoked a little more weed, took a few swigs from the bottle, and wished each other a Happy New Year. Then we climbed down the stairs and went our separate ways. I never asked for their names, they never asked for mine. I’ll never see them again, I wouldn’t even recognize them if I do. But I’ll never forget them. Celebrating with strangers wasn’t my ideal midnight, but it was pretty awesome. I learned that it doesn’t matter where you are as long as you’re with good people. Plus I had a good story for my friends when they finally showed up at the bar.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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January 3, 2014 · 9:57 am

Leatherman Squirt PS4

I got a Leatherman Squirt PS4 for Christmas. It’s a handy little multi-tool that fits on your keychain. I’ve had it for just over a week and I’ve used it about a million times. It’s practical and well-built. Leatherman knows how to make quality tools. The Squirt PS4 flips open to reveal pliers, both needlenose and regular equipped with wire cutters. It also has a few other tools like a knife, scissors, a bottle opener, a Phillips screwdriver/small screwdriver, a wood and metal file, and a medium screwdriver. The knife, file, scissors, and screwdrivers are all easily accessible from the outside. You don’t have to open it up to access anything except for the pliers and wire cutters. The knife is really sharp and cuts through paper and plastic like it’s butter. It cuts through butter like it’s really soft butter. The scissors are better than anything you’ll find on a Swiss Army knife. And I’ve already used the screwdrivers to fix a broken model helicopter and to tighten the handle on my roommate’s frying pan. The only tool I haven’t used yet is the file. If you have anything that needs filing, let me know and I’ll file it for you. The Squirt PS4 is practical and versatile and you’ll end up using it a thousand times a day. The zombie apocalypse is approaching. Be prepared.

Critically Rated at 15/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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January 2, 2014 · 9:41 am

Static Shock

A static shock is the jolt you experience when you have a buildup of static electricity and touch something. There are a few easy ways to experience a static shock. You can rub a balloon on your hair for a few seconds or you can take off your shoes, shuffle around the carpet in your socks, and then touch a doorknob. If you do it right, you’ll see a spark and feel a jolt. That’s a static shock. It doesn’t really hurt, but it feels weird and slightly uncomfortable. It’s more annoying than painful. You can use it as a weapon. Build up some static electricity and then zap your little brother. And repeat the process over and over again until he cries. Then do it some more and punch him in the shoulder if he threatens to tell on you. And then zap him again.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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January 2, 2014 · 9:38 am

Arizona Rx Energy Herbal Tonic

Arizona Rx Energy Herbal Tonic is an Invigorating Blend of Green Tea, Tropical & Citrus Fruits, Panax Ginseng, Eleuthero Root, Guarana, Schisandra, and Vitamins A, C, & E. It’s not really healthy for you, so don’t be fooled by that “Herbal Tonic” nonsense. It’s got all kinds of additives and preservatives and it’s loaded with sugar. I’m not sure how energizing it is, but it’s very drinkable and refreshing and gives you a little caffeine buzz. It has a sweet, fruity taste with just a little tartness thrown in for balance. There are a lot of better energy drinks on the market, but the price is what sets this one apart. It’s only 99¢ for a 23-ounce can, which is a good deal. An 8-ounce can of Red Bull costs more than two bucks for comparison. Red Bull is a lot better, but cheap is cheap. And sometimes cheap is good. Try it, you might like it. Even if you don’t, you only wasted a dollar.

Critically Rated at 11/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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January 1, 2014 · 2:06 pm

New Year’s Resolution

A New Year’s Resolution is a promise that you make with yourself starting on New Year’s Day. Some people give up smoking or junk food. Some people vow to exercise twice a week. Some people decide to volunteer at a soup kitchen or to help the less fortunate. It really doesn’t matter what your New Year’s Resolution is because you’re never going to follow through on it. A New Year’s Resolution is just a promise to yourself that you haven’t broken yet. You might be good and follow the plan for a week or two, but you’ll slip into your old habits eventually. It’s yet another way to disappoint yourself. I’ve only made one resolution that has stuck and that was the year I decided to stop doing New Year’s Resolutions.

Critically Rated at 8/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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January 1, 2014 · 2:04 pm

Helping a Friend Move

Helping a friend move is a big step in any relationship. Not too many people are willing to sacrifice a Saturday to help you haul cardboard boxes around. But if you find a friend that’s willing to help you move, you know you’ve found a true friend. And you should reward him for his services. You don’t have to give him money, but you should give him beer or something as a way of saying thank you. That way it will be more like you’re hanging out and you won’t feel as guilty about taking advantage of the free labor. It’s also a bonding experience. Lugging a big screen TV down a flight of stairs is like living in a dorm together. You quickly discover each other’s flaws and true personalities, and there’s a sense of pride and accomplishment if you get through the ordeal without killing each other. You can’t call it a successful life if you’ve never helped a friend move. It’s not glamorous, but it’s fulfilling.

Critically Rated at 15/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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December 31, 2013 · 8:48 am

Before-After Triple Bock

Before-After Triple Bock is an impressive bock from Rinkuškiai Aluas Darykla in Lithuania. Don’t ask me what that means or how to pronounce it, but I’m pretty sure that it’s a brewery and Rinkuškiai is the name of the brand. It has a rich, sweet malt aroma with hints of floral, cinnamon, and ginger. It tastes even sweeter than I was expecting. I get brown sugar, ginger, orange peel, spice, caramel, and a little oak. The sweet flavor masks the high 12% ABV. This beer is practically a wine. It also has a really cool label with an optical illusion. There’s a picture of a pretty girl’s face, and she turns into an old lady when you turn it upside down. It’s fitting because this triple bock will definitely give you beer goggles if you have more than one. Hopefully you’re not drinking it at your family reunion.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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December 31, 2013 · 12:06 am

Another New Year’s Eve

Cheers to another New Year’s Eve. New Year’s Eve is the last day of the year. You celebrate it by getting drunk, drinking champagne, and trying to make out with someone at midnight. It’s one of those nights that you’ll plan ahead days, weeks, or months in advance, but you’ll always be disappointed if you have expectations. It has the potential to be amazingly epic if you just wing it and go with the flow. New Year’s Eve is also a time of reflection, a time to think of all the broken promises you’ve made to yourself over the last year. It’s also the time to pat yourself on the back for your many small victories. You’re another year older and another year wiser, and now you get to celebrate. 2013 was awesome but now it’s time to experience 2014. I hope you all stay safe and wish you all a Happy New Year!

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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December 30, 2013 · 8:52 am

Bowling

Bowling is a game where you roll a ball down a narrow lane in an attempt to knock over ten pins. There are professional bowlers and tournaments, but most bowling games are casual contests between friends. You’ll go down to the nearest bowling alley, rent a few lanes and a pair of ugly shoes, maybe grab a few beers, and play a couple of games. Bowling is easy to learn, but hard to master. Professional bowlers try to get twelve strikes in a row for a perfect game. Casual bowlers just try to keep the ball out of the gutter and feel satisfied with the occasional strike. The most difficult thing about bowling is learning how to keep score. Luckily most bowling alleys have computers that keep track for you. Bowling is fun on the Wii, but it’s better in real life. The sound of powerful strike is one of the most satisfying sounds in sports. But not many things are as agonizing as a gutter ball and I bowl a lot more of those.

Critically Rated at 15/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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December 30, 2013 · 8:50 am

Santa’s Little Helper (beer)

Santa’s Little Helper is a Russian Imperial Stout from the Port Brewing Company. It has a coffee malt aroma like you would expect from a good stout. I also get whiffs of chocolate and dark fruits. It tastes of roasted malts, chocolate, wood, coffee, espresso, and bitter hops. It is very rich and flavorful, a very robust malty beverage. It’s also pretty strong with an alcohol content of 10%. This is the kind of beer that you go out of your way to get. Hell, it’s the kind of beer that you Instagram before you drink. Plus it has a cool name that doubles as a reference to The Simpsons. You know who likes this beer? People with good taste.

Critically Rated at 15/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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December 29, 2013 · 12:14 pm

Lincoln Logs

Lincoln Logs are either a classic children’s toy or the fecal remains of our sixteenth president. Most of the time, it refers to the classic toy. A Lincoln Log is a small piece of wood with a notch. The logs are notched so that another log can be placed on it at a ninety-degree angle. They link together so that you can make small-scale frontier forts and cabins. They were invented by John Lloyd Wright, the son of Frank Lloyd Wright (the internationally renowned and respected architect). Frank Lloyd Wright designed amazing, unique, and exciting buildings. John Lloyd Wright made a crappy toy that you threw away as soon as you discovered Legos. Frank might have been a little disappointed in his son’s career choice. They are both dead now so it doesn’t matter anymore. Lincoln Logs are a mediocre toy at best.

Critically Rated at 10/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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December 29, 2013 · 11:56 am

Imaginary Friends

It seems like every little kid has an imaginary friend or two. It’s a way to stave off boredom and it helps them to develop personality and social skills. But as you grow up, your imaginary friends begin to fade away. It’s tough to say if you are outgrowing them or if your imaginary friends just don’t want to hang out with you anymore. It’s probably the latter. Imaginary friends get sick and tired of having to do everything that you want to do. Maybe they didn’t want to go to the zoo or play Hot Lava, but you still made them do it anyway. They probably resent you for always controlling the situation and never respecting their opinions. You might have listened to them, but you never really heard what they were saying. And so they started hanging out with other people’s imaginary friends and let your relationship fizzle out. Friendships sometimes end. Even imaginary ones.

Critically Rated at 12/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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December 28, 2013 · 8:47 am

Holding Hands While Running Across the Street

I was heading to work a few days ago when I spotted a family of three tourists attempting to cross a busy street. They were watching the flow of cars and they ran across the street when they saw a break in traffic. They were holding hands for some stupid reason. I think holding hands while running across is more than a slight hindrance; I think it’s downright dangerous. It slows you down, it makes you less agile, and it makes you a bigger target. If one of them tripped, he would have dragged the other ones down with him. If one of them got hit by a car, he would have taken the other ones with him. If you want to die by being stupid, that’s awesome and I totally support you, but try not to kill anyone else.

Critically Rated at 6/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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December 28, 2013 · 8:44 am

Sublimely Self-Righteous Ale

Sublimely Self-Righteous Ale is another exciting craft beer from Stone Brewing Co. It’s an American black ale with a hearty 8.7% alcohol content. It has a nice aroma of piney hops and roasted malts, with hints of caramel and chocolate. It has a great taste with a strong malty backbone with bitter earthy hops. This beer doesn’t know what it wants to be. It’s somewhere in between a porter and an IPA. I can taste chocolate, espresso, pine, and citrus zest. It’s a unique flavor profile, but it works. It’s better than a lot of other beers on the marker, but Stone has better brews in their lineup.

Critically Rated at 13/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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December 27, 2013 · 10:08 pm

A Mouse in the House

So I’ve been living in the same apartment in San Francisco for over six years now, and tonight I witnessed the first mouse in the house. Well, technically he wasn’t in the house, he was at the top of the stairs outside my front door. I just came home from a long, killer shift at work and was just looking forward to cracking open a beer and smoking a bowl. And then I was greeted by a rodent. That’s not a great welcome. I suppose I should consider myself lucky that it wasn’t actually inside the apartment, but I can’t help but feel that he was scoping out the place for his verminous friends. I already have two roommates, so I don’t need any furry pests encroaching on my living space, raiding the cabinets, and eating my food. A mouse in the house is a terrible thing. They say that if you see a mouse, then you have mice. I hope that’s not the case.

Critically Rated at 4/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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