May 18, 2012 · 11:01 am

Pets with People Names

People are people. Pets are pets. People should have people names. Pets should have pet names. You aren’t going to name your kid Fido or Spot. Those are pet names, and your baby is a person. But for whatever reason, people insist on giving pets people names. It doesn’t work out so well. There’s something weird about warning a new houseguest that Billy might sniff their crotch. Don’t get weirded out if Bruce humps your leg. There are exceptions to the rule, like naming a pit bull Steve McQueen or paying homage to your best friend by naming your potbelly pig after him. But for most part, there is no valid reason for naming your dog Jason.

Critically Rated at 3/17

Leave a comment

Filed under Random Rants

Tagged as , , , , ,

May 17, 2012 · 9:59 am

Jerry Maguire

When Tom Cruise isn’t making a fool of himself in interviews he makes movies. A few years back Tom Cruise starred as Jerry Maguire in Cameron Crowe’s Jerry Maguire. It’s the best movie about a sports agent of all time, hands down. Cuba Gooding, Jr. and Renée Zellweger turn in supporting roles, and little Jonathon Lipnicki taught the world that the human head weighs eight pounds.

Jerry Maguire is a successful sports agent who feels that the business is getting out of hand. He writes a memo about how honesty and personal relationships are more important than money. His bosses think that money is important and Jerry gets fired.

Jerry decides to start his own sports agency. His only employee is Dorothy Boyd (Zellweger), a single mother who is inspired by Jerry’s memo. Jerry’s main investment is in Frank Cushman, the potential NFL #1 Draft Pick. His only other client is Rod Tidwell (Cuba Gooding, Jr.), a wide receiver for the Arizona Cardinals. On the night of the draft, Jerry finds out that his rival now represents Cushman, and Jerry is fucked.

Jerry hits a bit of a rut, breaks up with his fiancée and turns to Dorothy for comfort. He starts a relationship with her, but it’s complicated because she loves him, he doesn’t know if he loves her back, and she’s got a cute little kid that Jerry starts to love like a son.

Jerry invests all his time into helping Rod get a big contract. The two of them form a friendship, with Rod giving Jerry advice on marriage and love, and Jerry giving Rod advice on how to become a superstar.

By the end of the movie, Jerry is a happy and content family man. Rod gets his big contract. And you, the viewer, are happy for everyone.

Tom Cruise does a great job as Jerry Maguire. He’s a complex character; he’s incomplete but acts whole. He has good intentions but can’t always act on them. Cuba Gooding, Jr. elevates the film. Every scene with him interacting with Jerry is memorable. I have a feeling that Terrell Owens spent his career trying to be Rod Tidwell. Cuba won the Oscar for his performance and he celebrated by never making a decent movie again.

This was Renée Zellweger’s breakout role. And she actually looks good. In a lot of her movies she looks weird. She’s pretty, but she’s not Hollywood pretty. Jonathan Lipnicki plays Ray, Dorothy’s son. He’s a little scene-stealer. I want to punch him in the face though. Just to see what would happen.

Kelly Preston has a small role as Jerry’s fiancé. It’s a little bit of a stretch to pretend like she’s attracted to a homosexual scientologist, but she was able to pull it off. That’s acting (This is a very clever joke, because in real life she’s married to John Travolta, a scientologist who many believe to be a homosexual).

This movie came out in 1996 and people are still yelling, “Show me the money!” Shut the fuck up. This movie had a bunch of corny lines that people are still quoting: “You complete me” and “You had me at hello” are among the worst offenders. It’s a sign of a good movie when people constantly quote it.

Jerry Maguire is a good movie. It might be Tom Cruise’s best film. I don’t like Tom Cruise, so that’s a big compliment. There’s no denying that he’s a movie star. Jonathon Lipnicki might have been the cutest kid on the planet for a few short years. I still want to punch him in the face. This is a good movie, there’s sports for the guys and a love story for the girls, everyone wins.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Leave a comment

Filed under Entertainment

Tagged as , , , , , , , , , , , ,

May 17, 2012 · 9:49 am

Getting Stoned and Watching Nature Shows

I like smoking weed, and I’m pretty good at it. One of my favorite things to do while high is watching nature shows. Nothing compliments the life and death struggle of prairie dog fighting a ferret like a freshly packed bowl. Buffalos and lions and giraffes are way more impressive when your mind is in a fog. There’s nothing more life changing than smoking a blunt and watching Planet Earth in HD. Getting stoned and watching nature shows is a past time, and it sure beats actually going outside.

Critically Rated at 17/17

Leave a comment

Filed under 420

Tagged as , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

May 16, 2012 · 10:37 am

The Matrix

No one can be told what the Matrix is; you have to see it for yourself. And you’ve should have seen it by now. It’s been out for 13 years. Andy and Larry Wachowski wrote and directed The Matrix, one of the greatest action/sci-fi films ever. Keanu Reeves plays Neo, a hacker who finds out the world is a lie perpetrated by machines to control and harness energy from humans, and that he is the One prophesized to save mankind.

Thomas Anderson A.K.A. Neo (Keanu Reeves) is a hacker by night and an office drone by day. He senses that there’s something wrong with the world, but he can’t quite grasp it. He gets enigmatic clues about something called the Matrix, but he can’t figure out its meaning. He meets a mysterious hacker named Trinity (Carrie-Anne Moss) who leads him to man named Morpheus who can help him find out what the Matrix is. Morpheus (Laurence Fishburne) gives Neo a pill to swallow, and since you should always take strange pills that a stranger gives you, Neo swallows it and reality collapses into a dream and he wakes up in the Real World.

Morpheus finds Neo and takes him on his ship, the Nebuchadnezzar. Morpheus is the captain, Trinity is a crewmember, and there are a few other crewmembers including the shady Cypher (Joe Pantoliano). Neo finds out the truth about the Matrix. Humans developed machines that got too smart and that lead to a war and that lead to us getting our asses kicked. Now the bulk of mankind is harvested for energy. The Matrix is a simulated reality that the controlled humans are connected to. The world that they know is a computer program.

Neo learns that he can manipulate the computer program, that he can bend the rules of gravity and physics and learn Kung Fu. Morpheus believes that Neo is the One, that he will end the war between the machines. Neo doubts himself; he can’t quite free his mind. Neo learns all the rules about the Matrix, and he learns that the Agents are bad. Especially Agent Smith (Hugo Weaving).

So there’s a bunch of philosophical hoopla about the nature of reality and prophecy and fate vs. freewill. They visit the Oracle and she talks to Neo about his future. She tells him what he needs to hear. Then the shady Cypher is revealed to be working for the Agents. He sells out his crew and tips off their location. Morpheus gets captured, the unnecessary crewmembers die, and now its time for Neo to man up and save Morpheus.

They get a shit ton of guns and have a cool fire fight and kill lots of innocent guards who aren’t agents or evil. They decided not to bring spare magazines, so each time the clip runs out they just whip out a new gun. I guess it’s easier to just carry 20 guns rather than reloading. Neo and Trinity rescue Morpheus. Trinity and Morpheus go back to the real world, and Neo gets attacked by Agent Smith. And Neo stands his ground for a while, but then he runs away like a bitch. Just as he’s about to exit the Matrix, he gets shot. And he dies. And then Trinity kisses him and he comes back to life. And now he’s the One. And then he kills Agent Smith, but not really, because Agent Smith comes back in the sequels. But we don’t know that yet. But for now, Neo has saved the day, and things are looking up for mankind

.

Quick factoid: Will Smith turned down the part of Neo to star in Wild Wild West. Thank god, because he would have ruined this movie. Keanu Reeves is not a good actor, but he is perfect for Neo. He lets the events unfold around him, he doesn’t talk much, and he just reacts and looks bewildered by everything. And it suits the movie perfectly.

The action was and still is amazing. The fight choreography is as good as it gets. The bullet time sequence is one of the coolest shots in history. The action is great, but this film works because the action and philosophical scenes go hand in hand. This is a smart movie. The sequels tried to be smart and got pretentious

.

If you haven’t seen this movie in a while, go back and watch it. There’s a great buildup, and the dialog is very layered. There’s a lot more to The Matrix than you might remember. It deserved to be the start of a franchise. And even though the Wachowski Brothers went kind of crazy, the Matrix Universe is still worth exploring.

Critically Rated at 15/17

Leave a comment

Filed under Entertainment

Tagged as , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

May 16, 2012 · 10:28 am

Saving Movie Stubs

You went and saw the biggest blockbuster. It’s not enough to say that you saw it, you need to prove it. The best way to prove it is to present your ticket stub. I saw The Avengers on May 4th, motherfucker. You don’t believe me?!? Here’s my stub, bitch. Saving movie stubs is important. It’s proof of purchase. And how else are you going to remember what crappy movies you saw in theaters 30 years from now. You gotta talk to your kids about something some day, why not make it mediocre movie experiences?

Critically Rated at 10/17

Leave a comment

Filed under Entertainment

Tagged as , ,

May 15, 2012 · 10:23 am

Teen Wolf (film)

Rod Daniel directs Michael J. Fox in Teen Wolf. Michael J. Fox plays Scott Howard, an average teenager who wishes he wasn’t so average. And then he finds out he’s a werewolf. It’s a coming of age story and it’s also a werewolf comedy. People did a lot of cocaine in the ‘80s.

Scott plays for his shitty high school basketball team. He likes a girl named Pamela, but she’s dating a jerk/jock/bully named Mick. He doesn’t notice that his friend Boof has a crush on him. Boof is a stupid name. I hate it. Scott also has a party animal friend named Stiles.

Scott starts to notice changes. Not your standard puberty stuff, but sometimes he grows claws or gets pointy ears or suddenly has fur. It turns out that he’s a werewolf. This movie is different from most werewolf movies because his condition is genetic. He wasn’t bitten by a werewolf, he was always had werewolf genes thanks to his werewolf father. Werewolves aren’t uncontrollable monsters. They are just furry people who are good at basketball for some reason.

Scott uses his werewolfism to win games and become more popular. And you better believe there are multiple montages showcasing how awesome being a teen wolf is. He even gets laid by his dream girl, but she turns out to be a bitch.

Scott eventually realizes that there’s a downside to being a werewolf, and he’s not sure how to handle his popularity. He loses sight of who he is for a while, but eventually decides he needs to tame the wolf. So he plays the championship game as his regular human self (his tiny human self). And somehow the team wins. Because it’s Hollywood and little white people are amazing at basketball. And he finds happiness and love with Boof, the girl who loved him all along.

I think the message of the movie is clear: ignore what makes you special and unique and act like everyone else and you will be happy.

Mark Holton plays Chubby, one of the teammates on the basketball team. Here is a well-developed character. His name is Chubby and he is chubby. His locker is filled with food and snacks, because fat people stash food everywhere. He even plays in a game while eating an apple. Anyone who thinks Hollywood has shoddy writers needs to study Chubby’s character arc.

Teen Wolf is not the best werewolf movie. It doesn’t try to be. It doesn’t take itself seriously. I don’t know how or why it was made, but people did a lot of cocaine in the ‘80s. I’ve seen this movie a pretty decent amount of times. It’s on TV a lot. If you see it, check it out.

Critically Rated at 12/17

Leave a comment

Filed under Entertainment

Tagged as , , , , , , , ,

May 15, 2012 · 10:15 am

Skittlebrau

One of the many zany things that the Simpsons have brought to the world is Skittlebrau, the beer that has candy floating in it. Apu said it doesn’t exist and that Homer probably imagined it, but it inspired me to try it. People add slices of fruit to beer all the time, so why not add fruit candy? Skittlebrau works best with lagers; IPAs and Ales are too hoppy to taste the rainbow. I don’t float the Skittles in the beer, that would be a waste of Skittles and beer. Instead I pop a few Skittles in my mouth and wash it down with a swig or two. It gives the beer a fruity flavor. It actually improves the taste if you are drinking a swill beer or a forty. Skittles and beer go hand in hand. Skittles are good. Beer is great. Good + Great = Amazing.

Critically Rated at 14/17

3 Comments

Filed under Drinks

Tagged as , , , , , ,

May 14, 2012 · 11:21 am

Independence Day (film, not the day)

Before Roland Emmerich went crazy and started spewing out ridiculous disaster movies like The Day After Tomorrow and 2012, he made an awesome disaster movie called Independence Day. This was one of the best summer movies of the ‘90s. It had it all: a sweet cast, amazing special effects, and good action scenes. Plus Vivica A. Fox plays a stripper.

The movie stars out with a bang. It starts on the moon and a giant shadow creeps across its surface, steadily heading for Earth. Before long, giant spaceships are hovering over 36 major cities across the world. As we learn about the threat, we are introduced to the main characters. Jeff Goldblum plays David Levinson, a genius who discovers a hidden code that indicates the aliens are going to attack. He goes to Washington, D.C. to warn his ex-wife who works for the President of the United States. Bill Pullman plays the President, a former combat pilot.

Will Smith plays Captain Steve Hiller, a pilot for the Marines. He wants to become an astronaut, and he has a stripper girlfriend named Jasmine (Vivica A. Fox). Randy Quaid plays Russell Casse, he’s a pilot too. Seriously, the whole world gets destroyed, but half the survivors are pilots. If you wanna survive Independence Day, you should start taking flying lessons.

The hidden code that David finds turns out to be valid, and the ships attack simultaneously across the world. Millions of people die, but if you jump into a storage closet in a tunnel, you’ll be fine. That’s how Vivica A. Fox survived. She plays a stripper in the movie by the way.

So the world’s been half destroyed, and we have no idea how to stop them. Will Smith flies around and gets one to crash and then he punches it in the face and welcomes it to Earth. And then he and the alien body get a ride from Russell Casse and his family to Area 51. And the President is there, along with David and all the other people who haven’t died yet. The alien turns out not to be dead, and we find out that they want to take over the world and they want us to die. So we decide to nuke them. And it doesn’t work, and we don’t know what to do. And we seem pretty fucked.

Then David gets an idea. He’ll simply use his Apple laptop to upload a virus to the mother ship to disable all the other ships, while simultaneously the survivors across the world will launch a global attack on the alien ships. Will Smith and David fly to the mother ship, and the President and Russell Casse and all the other survivor pilots take to the skies in a desperate attempt to save mankind.

Not to spoil anything, but we won. We beat the aliens. And David takes up smoking. He probably stops recycling too.

This movie came out when I was ten years old. It was the movie of the summer. It was like my Star Wars. It was an event. And when we went back to school we shunned the ones who didn’t see it.

There are a lot of funny moments and lots of great one-liners. There are also some touching moments, like when the President has to tell his daughter that mama ain’t coming back. Some of the actors do a great job, like Judd Hirsch as Julius, David’s father. Some of the actors do a terrible job, like James Duval as Miguel Casse, Russell’s son. He looks like he went to the Keanu Reeves School of Wooden Acting. I think Bill Pullman’s speech with the bullhorn is one of the best fake president speeches of all time. Oh, and Vivica A. Fox plays a stripper.

Of course there are lots of plot holes (like where’s the Secret Service?) and poorly written characters, but the movie is exciting and fun and entertaining. I like being entertained, it’s fun. I think it’s weird how everyone laughs at Russell whenever he mentions being abducted by aliens ten years earlier. They know that aliens exist now. They should be apologizing for having doubted him.

Independence Day is a cool movie. It was the first time Will Smith saved the world. He does that every other summer now. This was back when it was still special. Seriously if you haven’t seen this movie you missed the ‘90s and I feel bad for you.

Critically Rated at 15/17

Leave a comment

Filed under Entertainment

Tagged as , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

May 14, 2012 · 9:17 am

Lagunitas Maximus

The Lagunitas Brewing Company is known for their IPA. Their Maximus India Pale Ale has more alcohol and is hoppier. Wikipedia says it has a spicy finish with a lot of rose petal. Maybe my palate isn’t sophisticated because I don’t taste the rose petal. I think Wikipedia is lying. Anyway, 8.2% alcohol is pretty decent; it can definitely make you sleepy. Lagunitas is a great microbrewery. If you ever see it at the liquor store you should grab it. And read the label; they usually have a funny and random rant printed on it.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Leave a comment

Filed under Drinks

Tagged as , , , , , , , , ,

May 13, 2012 · 10:10 am

Rambo

Rambo IV or John Rambo is the fourth or last installment of the Rambo series. 236 people die, in case you were wondering. Slyvester Stallone is a bad ass. Very few people star in 2 successful movie franchises, but Stallone does it, and he makes Rambo and Rocky legit characters, people that you don’t want to fuck with.

The plot is generic. You’ve seen it a thousand times before. Rambo is some schmuck hired to take people into forbidden water. He is reluctant at first, but he gives in and leads a gang or recruits into no-man’s-land. Rambo acts like he is a decent person, but as soon as the action kicks in Rambo starts mowing people in half and doesn’t let up.

People die in this movie. A lot. Rambo uses crazy weapons and tactics and finds exciting new ways to mutilate and massacre the enemy. There is no recovering from that. Sly Stallone was on a shit ton of steroids and you can tell that steroids are good for you.

It might not be a good movie, but this is an awesome blockbuster. Not only is the action top notch, but the protagonist doesn’t give a shit. If you want to hurt John Rambo, you need to find John Rambo. Easier said than done. This guy is a ninja and can pop up anywhere.

It’s kind of funny that Sylvester Stallone can be M.I.A. for so long, and then he decides to resurrect his career with his biggest hits. He brought back Rocky Balboa, and named the sixth and latest movie Rocky Balboa. Woah, what a stretch. He brought back the John Rambo character as well, and the latest movie is called Rambo. What a stretch. Sly Stallone is a genius apparently. I don’t know anyone who paid cash money to see Sly Stallone on the big screen. but some people did. Good for them.

The plot is almost nonexistent. This movie exists so that you see people get mowed in half. Not white people. Little Asian people get mowed down like it is going out of style. It’s a tough time to be proud of the human race.

Rambo is a fun movie. It’s a waste of time to think differently. Just accept the fact that violence is entertaining and save us some time. Sly Stallone does a great job bring an irrelevant character back to the big screen. Too bad no one cares about Rambo anymore. His time has passed.

Rambo shoots people. He kills people. He tries to be a decent human being, but he doesn’t know how. He is a soldier. He fights and he fights with honor. He doesn’t always come through all the time, but he has no fear. Rambo wins in the end. You knew that he would. It’s Hollywood.

Critically Rated at 12/17

Leave a comment

Filed under Entertainment

Tagged as , , , , , , ,

May 13, 2012 · 9:55 am

Looking at the Time and Instantly Forgetting It

We’ve all been there before. You are bored at work or you are waiting for a movie, and you pull out your phone and glance at the time. You don’t really care what time it is, it’s just something to do. So anyway, you glance at the time, and put your phone back. Then you realize that you didn’t really absorb what your phone said and you still have no idea what time it is. So you whip out your phone and look at the time again. And it’s still 8:57 and nothing has changed, but you feel like a dumbass.

Critically Rated at 10/17

Leave a comment

Filed under Random Rants

Tagged as , , , , ,

May 12, 2012 · 9:43 am

Howl’s Moving Castle (film)

Hayao Miyazaki is like the Walt Disney of the Japanimation world. He makes amazing and timeless animated family films, and Howl’s Moving Castle is one of them. It’s based on the book by Diana Wynne Jones, but I never read the book, so I can’t really compare them. It’s a decent story, but the animation takes it to a new level. This is a fun fantasy film.

The movie is about a young hat maker named Sophie who makes hats. She’s kind of stuck in a rut and dreams of a better life. Instead she gets cursed by the Witch of the Waste, and Sophie gets transformed into an old woman. She can’t tell anyone about the curse, and so she leaves home to find a cure.

She helps out a scarecrow with a turnip for a head. The scarecrow is under a curse too, and even though Turnip Head can’t talk, he helps out Sophie as much as he can. Sophie eventually ends up in a moving castle, owned by a wizard named Howl. Howl has an apprentice named Merkl, and a fire demon named Calcifer (voiced by Billy Crystal).

Sophie’s country is about to enter war, and the king insists that all wizards be enlisted to help fight. Howl is a pacifist and doesn’t want to, and that kind of kicks off the larger plot. To help disrupt the war, he transforms into a bird-monster-thing, but each transformation makes it harder to return to human form. To complicate matters, a witch named Suliman is also after Howl, and a lot of stuff happens before shit gets resolved and you have your happy ending.

Miyazaki is a genius. He’s one of those filmmakers who creates a masterpiece and retires only to come out of retirement and make another amazing film. His attention to detail is impeccable. Every scene, shot, and frame is a piece of art. He makes the characters compelling and keeps the movie flowing at a good pace.

The castle is fantastic. You can sense the magic in the walls. It adds to the tone of the film and feels like another character, similar to Hogwarts in the Harry Potter movies. In films about magic and wizards it is important to have the sets feel magical and impressive.

A lot of Japanimation films can get lost in translation. Spirited Away is great movie, but unless you know the significance of bathhouse spirits in Japanese culture, you aren’t getting the full picture. Howl’s Moving Castle is based on an English author’s book, so the culture clash isn’t as evident. It also helps getting well known actors to dub the English version. Christian Bale, Billy Crystal, and Lauren Bacall are among the celebrities to voice a character.

You either like Japanimation or you don’t. There is no in-between. If you don’t know if you like Japanimation, Miyazaki is a good start. He’s got a few good movies, this is one of them. Spirited Away is probably his best. This one’s not too shabby.

Critically Rated at 12/17

1 Comment

Filed under Entertainment

Tagged as , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

May 12, 2012 · 9:34 am

Mint M&M’s

M&M’s are a staple of a happy childhood. M&M’s are bite-sized chocolates with a colorful candy shell. You should know this already, even if you didn’t have a happy childhood. Sometimes when a product is successful, they add more shit to the original formula to make it better. With M&M’s they added peanuts, peanut butter, pretzels… and now they have mint flavored M&M’s made with dark chocolate. It’s a sexy flavor with the sexiest spokescandy (the green one). It has a smooth chocolate mint flavor, it is like an Andes mint but crunchier. It tastes good and it’s refreshing, but it won’t make your breath smell better. You shouldn’t rely on candy to hide your halitosis anyway.

Critically Rated at 11/17

Leave a comment

Filed under Snacks

Tagged as , , , , , , , ,

May 11, 2012 · 9:41 am

The Babe (film)

John Goodman stars as the great George Herman “Babe” Ruth in director Arthur Hiller’s The Babe. Babe Ruth is an American icon; many consider him to be the best baseball player of all time. He was larger than life and lived like he was. This biopic covers the rise and fall of his career, playing as much to the myths as to the facts. There’s heroes and there’s legends. Heroes get remembered, but legends never die. And yes, I did steal that from The Sandlot.

The Babe Movie Poster

The movie starts with Babe’s dad giving up on him and dropping him off at St. Mary’s, an orphanage/reformatory. He’s a chubby troublemaker who gets picked on constantly. That all changes when he picks up a bat and discovers that he was made to play baseball. He’s a phenomenal pitcher and has a powerful bat. In a few short years he catches the eye of the Baltimore Orioles and leaves the orphanage to conquer the world.

Babe is too big for Baltimore, and he goes to the Boston Red Sox. Babe is too big for Boston, and he goes to the Yankees. The bulk of the film takes place in his Red Sox and Yankee days. They explore how success has gone to his head. Babe wants it all, and he can suddenly have it all, and since he’s just a big kid he goes nuts. He has a good heart, but he’s brash and impulsive and hurts people without meaning to.

John Goodman does a decent job as the Babe. He is a little too old to be playing him, and he’s also too fat. Most actors would have to gain weight to play him, but Goodman could stand to lose a few pounds. There are dozens of actors that could have done a better job. Babe Ruth was larger than life, it was his exploits that make the movie interesting, not Goodman’s portrayal of him.

The Babe is like a kid. He has no manners. He is blatant and just says whatever is on his mind. He has no social skills; he uses other people’s toothbrushes and farts at fancy parties. He wears his heart on his sleeve, he will be ecstatic one moment and having a tantrum the next. He has a habit of calling people Dad, a sign of his broken childhood.

Trini Alvarado plays Helen, Babe’s first wife. He loves her, and marries her, and starts a family with her. And he wants to be with her. But he can’t. He can’t be contained. He wants to party and go to the city, not stay at home and play house. So he goes out, and girls throw themselves at him, and people kiss his ass, and he feels happy. But he hurts Helen over and over again. They separate, but the whole relationship shows how damaged Babe is. Eventually he finds love again, and this time Claire (Kelly McGillis) is able to handle him, she acts like a parent figure and gives him rules and boundaries.

They humanize Babe off the field, and they embellish what he did on it. He never hit a popup so high that he got an infield home run. He never hit 2 homeruns for a sick kid in the hospital. He might have called his shot, but it was not that dramatic. He hit three homers in one game in the twilight of his career as a Brave, but he didn’t retire right after.

People often debate about who the best baseball player of all time is. Willie Mays, Ted Williams, Ty Cobb, Hank Aaron, Lou Gehrig, and Stan Musial are all in discussion, but Babe Ruth was a 100% natural talent. He singlehandedly changed the game. Not only is he arguably the best homerun hitter of all time, but he’s also considered one of the best pitchers of all time.

This is not a great baseball movie. It’s not really a good movie either. It’s just an average movie made about a great man. I’m not one for remakes, but I think we can do a better Babe Ruth movie. It doesn’t have to be 3D or in IMAX, but Americans love baseball and Americans love Babe Ruth. So anyway, this is an alright movie, it could have been better.

Critically Rated at 9/17

Leave a comment

Filed under Entertainment

Tagged as , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

May 11, 2012 · 9:33 am

The Annoying Girl on the Bus who Whistles Her S’s

I was coming home from a late night at work, and it was bad enough that I had to take the bus and didn’t have headphones, but these two girls right behind me would not stop talking and cackling. It’s already annoying that they wouldn’t shut up, but one of the girls whistled all her S’s. She sounded like that beaver in Lady and the Tramp, but with a higher pitched and shriller voice. There is no polite way to tell a stranger that her voice makes you want to puncture your eardrums with a Q-tip.

Critically Rated at 6/17

Leave a comment

Filed under People I Feel Sorry For

Tagged as , , ,

May 10, 2012 · 9:42 am

Eragon (book)

Christopher Paolini’s Eragon is the first installment of the Inheritance Cycle. It is your standard sword and sorcery fantasy epic, complete with dragons, magic, elves, dwarves, werecats, an evil king, and an orc-like breed of monsters known as Urgals. A young farm boy named Eragon finds a dragon egg, which soon hatches, and Eragon becomes the first new Dragon Rider in over a hundred years.

The only other known living Dragon Rider is the evil King Galbatorix, the ruler of Alagaësia. The Dragon Riders were once guardians and warriors of peace, until Galbatorix went crazy, started a war, killed the other Riders, and made himself king. There is a secret resistance known as the Varden, who are trying to overthrow Galbatorix. The Varden and Galbatorix both want Eragon on their side, and the fate of the Empire is at stake.

Eragon lives in a small, isolated village with his uncle and cousin. One day he finds a weird stone, which turns out to be an egg, which soon hatches for him, revealing a baby dragon. The dragon and Eragon form a bond; he becomes a Dragon Rider and names her Saphira. Eragon seeks advice about dragons from the local storyteller, Brom. Before long, servants of the king come looking for Eragon and Saphira and kill his uncle. Eragon and Saphira decided to avenge his uncle’s death and set out on an epic journey with Brom as their guide. Along the way, he meets an elf named Arya, a witch named Angela, a werecat named Solembum, and a mysterious stranger named Murtagh who becomes a friend despite his shady history.

The basic plot is like Star Wars. A young boy on the verge of manhood discovers that he has fantastic powers, but it takes the death of his uncle to spur him into action. He must learn about his power, and he gets advice from a wise old mentor, and goes on a hero’s journey. Along the way, he rescues a damsel in distress and travels with another outcast. The world is reminiscent of Middle-earth. There are strange creatures, lots of history and folklore, ancient magic, and honor and chivalry still exists.

A Dragon Rider is an elf or a human that forms a bond with a dragon. The Rider and the Dragon are linked telepathically, to the extent that their personalities can merge together, and they are almost one soul. A Dragon Rider can use magic, but the dragons are the source of the magic. Dragon Riders become stronger, faster, and more powerful than a normal elf or human. The dragon chooses who they want to hatch for.

There is a lot of magic in this book. The Dragon Riders get their magical powers from the Dragon and use the ancient language (words of power) to wield magic. Magicians also use the ancient language to perform magic. Sorcerers get their magic from spirits. Witches and wizards get their powers from potions and spells. You don’t need to remember all that, there’s no test later, I just like to geek out about magic.

Paolini started writing this book when he was fifteen. It’s all the stuff that a teenager wants in a fantasy book. There’s a hero with a cool sword, dragons, evil creatures working for an evil king, magic, and epic battles. It’s a simple read compared to Lord of the Rings and Game of Thrones, but it’s more fun to read. There is more adventure, and the plot is easier to follow so you know what is at stake. This book establishes a lot of characters and locations, and the later books delve into them in more detail. Each book gets better as Paolini grows and matures as a writer. They made a really terrible movie that butchered the book. Don’t bother watching that shit.

Eragon is a good book and the start of a good literary franchise. The plot is cliché and familiar, but new things are scary and who likes change? Paolini created an amazing world and this book is a great introduction to the world of Alagaësia. And did I mention the dragons?

Critically Rated at 13/17

Leave a comment

Filed under Entertainment

Tagged as , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

May 10, 2012 · 9:33 am

Sticks

I like being outside. I like camping and hiking and tromping through the woods. I know that I’m still a little kid at heart because I like to pick up sticks. And my imagination soars when I have that piece of wood in my hand. Sometimes it’s a magic wand and I gotta fight Voldemort. Sometimes it’s a sword and I gotta fight Captain Hook. Sometimes it’s a light saber and I use it to stab George Lucas for habitually ruining Star Wars. I like to break them. When I’m camping I’ll bust out my pocketknife and carve one. Occasionally I throw a stick for a dog or a toddler to run after and fetch. I’m not too good with kids, but they seem to love that game.

Critically Rated at 9/17

Leave a comment

Filed under Random Rants

Tagged as , , , , , ,