January 8, 2013 · 11:04 am

The Sandman: The Kindly Ones

The ninth volume of Neil Gaiman’s  The Sandman is the longest one of the series. It collects issues #57-69 and wraps up a lot of the plotlines of The Doll’s House and Brief Lives (Volume 2 and Volume 7). A trio of witches (known as the Furies, the Erinyes, or the Kindly Ones) set out on a path to destroy Morpheus for his shedding the blood of his family. But can they destroy Dream of the Endless?

The book starts with little baby Daniel getting kidnapped. His mom, Hippolyta Hall, goes crazy trying to find him and blames Morpheus for losing him. She vows to kill him and the Furies/Kindly Ones are all too willing to help her out. Morpheus killed his own son, and spilling the blood of your family gives the Furies the power to destroy you. Morpheus learns that actions have consequences and he must pay for the mistakes in his past.

This is one of the most important volumes in the series. It’s pretty much the climax of the series. Plus Morpheus dies. Sorry if that ruins anything for you, but I just had to see if you’re really reading this. I guess you are. You’ll just have to read the book to find out how and why it goes down.

Critically Rated at 13/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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January 7, 2013 · 11:01 am

Going To Bed When Other People Are Waking Up

It’s Saturday night until the Sunday sun comes up and you have to take advantage of it. Stay awake and have fun for as long as you can. Your eyelids will become heavy and start drooping but you’ll get your second wind if you avoid sitting still. The goal is to stay awake as long as possible. You want to be going to bed when other people are waking up. That’s a good indicator of having a great night. You want to collapse under the covers when you hear your neighbor leaving for work. You were having fun the whole time he was sleeping, and now you’ll sleep for the whole time he’s working. Life isn’t always fair but sometimes you’re the lucky one.

Critically Rated at 15/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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January 7, 2013 · 10:54 am

The Girl That Doesn’t Deserve a Cell Phone

Everyone has a friend that constantly loses or breaks their phone. Not to be sexist, but it’s usually a girl. Everyone knows the girl that doesn’t deserve a cell phone. She has a habit of randomly dropping it for no reason. She leaves it in cabs and bars and restaurants. She has to replace her broken or missing phones every three and half weeks. She goes through more phones than cell phone bills. She always gets the latest model and it always makes your phone look like a piece of shit, until she drops it and cracks the screen when she’s showing it off. The girl that doesn’t deserve a cell phone always has a new one. Don’t let her borrow your phone and don’t let her hold your baby.

Critically Rated at 6/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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January 6, 2013 · 10:14 am

Sneeze

Sometimes you have snot or dust in your nose and you feel a tickle. That tickle starts to grow and it becomes a sneeze. Your lungs deliver a blast of air that sends the snot and dust flying out of your nose and mouth. I’m sure you’ve all seen cartoons where they sniff pepper and it makes them sneeze. That doesn’t really happen. If you sniff pepper you just get a burning sensation like you inhaled Mace. Everyone has a unique sneeze, they are like fingerprints. Some people sneeze once and they’re done. Some people sneeze so many times that you’d think it was their hobby. There are silent sneezers, loud sneezers, spray sneezers, dry sneezers, and sneezers that sound like cats. The worst type of sneeze are the random phlegmers. Those are the powerful ones that come without warning and result in a handful of snot. Just throw it at the first asshole that makes a wisecrack and everybody will be too busy laughing to be disgusted.

Critically Rated at 8/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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January 6, 2013 · 10:11 am

The Wrong Date

Putting down the wrong date is inevitable whenever a new year or month rolls around. It’s hard to get used to change. Just when you start getting used to jotting down the month, it changes and you have to remember the new one. You feel dumb when you get the month wrong, but it’s even worse when you get the year wrong and it’s not even January anymore. Just keep reminding yourself that it’s 2013 and you’ll get the hang of it.

Critically Rated at 8/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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January 5, 2013 · 11:17 am

Sidewalk Cracks

I’m not really superstitious, but I’m a creature of habit and will occasionally try to avoid stepping on sidewalk cracks. I don’t do it all the time, but sometimes the potential perils of sidewalk crack-stepping will come to mind and I will not be responsible for breaking my mother’s back. The most important thing about avoiding the cracks in the sidewalk is making it look like you’re not trying to avoid them. If someone notices you meticulously avoiding the cracks, they will call you out for your OCD behavior. So you got to adjust your stride nonchalantly and keep it subtle. It’s ok to be crazy as long as nobody thinks you’re crazy.

Critically Rated at 10/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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January 5, 2013 · 11:14 am

Driving With Your Blinker On

Some people are inconsiderate of others and never use their turn signals. Some people are idiotic and never turn off their turn signals. People who don’t use their blinkers are just assholes, there really isn’t anything wrong with them aside from being rude. But people who don’t realize they have their blinkers on are unaware and that’s not a good thing when you’re driving a multi-ton hunk of moving metal. You’ll see some old guy drive for miles in the left lane with their left blinker on. How does he not realize that his blinker is on? It flashes lights, it makes an audible noise, it’s pretty fucking obvious. Driving with your blinker on is like wearing a sweatshirt that says Alzheimer’s on it. You’re telling the world that you’re not all there.

Critically Rated at 5/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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January 4, 2013 · 11:37 am

Laser Pointers

Laser pointers were the shit when I was ten. I thought that owning a portable red dot would make my life complete. I thought of all the possibilities it would provide me, of all the things that I could point at, of all the movies I could ruin and classes I could disrupt. And then I got one. And I pointed it at things like my friend’s face and my neighbor’s house. And I realized that you could get in trouble for blinding your friend and scaring your neighbors. Laser pointers weren’t as much fun after that. Until the green ones came out when I was a teenager and I thought that owning a portable green dot would make my life complete…

Critically Rated at 9/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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January 4, 2013 · 11:35 am

You Don’t Know Bo (documentary)

You Don’t Know Bo is an ESPN 30 for 30 documentary about Vincent “Bo” Jackson. Considered by many to be the greatest athlete of the 20th century, Bo had an incredible but brief career playing in the MLB and in the NFL. He was a natural athlete: big, strong, fast, with natural ability, and an arm like a cannon. Director Michael Bonfiglio combines footage of Bo’s athletic feats on the gridiron and diamond with interviews with Bo Jackson, his teammates, his coaches, and other people who witnessed him play. It starts with his childhood in Bessemer, Alabama and features notable events like winning the 1985 Heisman Trophy, being the only athlete to play in both the MLB All-Star game and the NFL Pro Bowl, the Nike Bo Knows marketing campaign, the hip injury that ended his football career, the rehab and ultimate return to baseball with an artificial hip… this is a pretty thorough bio.

Bo Jackson was larger than life. He was a professional baseball player with so much athletic potential that he took up professional football as a fucking hobby. He didn’t need spring training or practice. Just put him in a game, any game, and let him do his thing. This film lets you reflect on his greatness and makes you wonder what could have been if he hadn’t gotten hurt. This is another solid 30 for 30 production.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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January 3, 2013 · 11:49 am

Runnin’ Down a Dream (documentary)

If you like Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers and have 4 hours to kill, you should check out Peter Bogdanovich’s documentary about the band. Tom Petty is the shit. He’s one of the last real rock stars. You know his songs even if you aren’t too familiar with him. He’s on more movie soundtracks than John Williams, he’s played the Super Bowl Halftime Show, and he’s been selling out shows with his band for more than thirty years.

The documentary starts at the beginning with a young Thomas Earl Petty growing up in Gainesville, Florida with an abusive father, a loving mother, and a passion for Rock n’ Roll. Petty grows up and hones his talent, finding his future bandmates Mike Campbell and Benmont Tench on the way. You learn about his first band Mudcrutch and hear testimony about how driven he was to succeed. Mudcrutch dissolved and Petty formed a new band: Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers. The documentary goes through the members, albums, songs, tours, anecdotes, tragedies and triumphs of the band and the man.

They use a lot of rare footage and personal videos from the band to tell their history. When they are talking about the drive to California and the car breaking down, they show the car broken on the side of the road. They talk Ron Blair eating a bunch of hash before a TV appearance and point out how glazed his eyes are.

If you’re a fan of Tom Petty’s music than you’ll love this film. His hits are constantly playing in the background, they show lots of concerts, and you get to know the man behind it all and see what drives him. He’s a poet, he’s a storyteller, and his music is timeless. Don’t let the four hour long running time intimidate you. It’s hard to cram thirty+ years of history into a few hours.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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January 3, 2013 · 11:45 am

Häagen-Dazs Raspberry Sorbet

Häagen-Dazs Raspberry Sorbet is a raspberry sorbet made by Häagen-Dazs. Give it a shot if you like raspberries and sorbets and the Häagen-Dazs brand. Sorbets are non-dairy for all you lacto-phobes out there, so you can get your dessert on while everyone else is enjoying real ice cream. It’s all natural and that means it’s healthy for you so you can eat it every single day without any consequences.

Critically Rated at 12/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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January 2, 2013 · 11:37 am

Not Tipping

It takes a special kind of scum to practice not tipping. You should always tip your server 15%-20%, even if the kitchen fucked up on your burger. It’s not the server’s fault that the kitchen fucked up. The server has to tip out the bartenders, bussers, the food runner, and sometimes the hosts and expo depending on the restaurant. The server can actually lose money if you don’t tip. Don’t go to a fucking sit-down restaurant if you don’t want to tip, it’s as simple as that. Go to McDonald’s if you want to be cheap. Serving is a hard job. It’s something that everybody should try at least once so you can experience how much bullshit a server has to deal with on a shift. Some customers come in with a chip on their shoulder and run you ragged. They suck their soda down faster than you can refill it. They order water and then specify they didn’t want ice when you bring it to the table. They customize an entrée and make it a whole new dish that takes fifteen minutes to ring in and explain to the cooks. They flag you down when you’re helping another table. They’ll ask for ranch then ask for mayo when you drop off the ranch and ask for more hot sauce when you drop off the mayo. And they end their evening by leaving exact change and no tip. Miserable people like to spread their misery to other people. It’s the only thing that makes them feel alive. There’s an old adage that goes something like, “If you want to see a person’s true character, see how they treat the waiter.” Most people are decent, hardworking, polite, respectful… but holy shit, there are some fucking assholes out there. They are the ones who don’t tip and never call their mothers.

Critically Rated at 4/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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January 2, 2013 · 11:33 am

Temporary Tattoos

Temporary tattoos are fake tattoos that fade away after a few days or get scrubbed off with soap and water. They are popular with kids, hipsters and drunk people. You can get them in one of those quarter vending machines in front of the grocery store or in packs of Fruit Stripe Gum. You get your arm wet, stick the tattoo on for a minute or two, peel it off, and voila! A fucked up temporary tattoo! Those things never fucking work. Only half of the faux tat will show up or it will be all smudged and blurry. Even if it does work, the novelty of it wears off almost instantaneously. I sometimes wonder if anybody loved their temporary tattoo so much that they got a real tattoo of it. If I ever get one, I’m going to get a real Fake Tattoo tattoo.

Critically Rated at 11/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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January 1, 2013 · 9:56 am

New Year’s Day

Congratulations, you made it to another year. Hopefully you wake up with a headache and a hangover and someone lying next to you. That’s usually a good indication of a great New Year’s Eve. New Year’s Day is like hitting the reset button. A new year is a new start. Most people have a list of New Year’s Resolutions like quitting smoking or saving more money. Most people give up by February, but at least you tried to change. It’s not worth much, but it’s worth something. 2013. It’s officially the future. Can we stop doing Gangnam Style now? Please?

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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January 1, 2013 · 9:52 am

Asking for a To-Go Box and Leaving It on the Table

Some people go out to eat, order too much, ask for a to-go box to take their leftovers home, and then leave their box of food on the table when they leave. Asking for a to-go box and leaving it on the table is counterproductive and wasteful. Not only are you wasting your extra food, but now you’re also wasting the to-go box and the bag that goes with it. Did you only ask for the box to test your server’s attentiveness? If you ask for a box, then you should use that fucking box. It’s common courtesy.

Critically Rated at 5/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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December 31, 2012 · 10:06 am

New Year’s Eve

Holy shit, it’s the last night of the year! Time to get drunk and reminisce on 2012. New Year’s Eve is one of the most popular holidays. It’s celebrated around the world, across all religions and ages. Everyone is looking for some place to be at midnight. Little kids and old people celebrate quietly at home, while everybody else is at a party, either on the street, in a club, or at somebody’s house.

New Year’s Eve is all about midnight. The whole day is building up to midnight. There are fireworks and champagne and making out at midnight. Everyone asks where you’re going to be at midnight, and the next day everyone asks where you were at midnight. You’re almost never where you wanted to be at midnight. I’ve spent midnight in cars going to bars, I’ve spent it running down the sidewalk trying to get to a party before the ball dropped, I’ve spent it with random semi-friends in strange cities. The problem with NYE is that it’s too overhyped. You want it to be perfect and it never will be. Hollywood lied to you. You’ll never be happy.

Critically Rated at 12/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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December 31, 2012 · 10:03 am

Piss on the Toilet Seat

Ladies, I know you get exasperated at constantly having to wipe the piss off the toilet seat. You wonder how it’s even possible to piss on the toilet seat. You know that guys have built-in fire hoses so we can aim, but there’s still piss on the seat. I’m here to tell you that there are two main reasons for pissing on the toilet seat. First off, it might have been the unintentional consequence of splashback. That’s when the force of your stream hitting the toilet water causes some of it to splash back and up onto the toilet seat. The other reason is that morning wood is hard to piss through. It wasn’t intentional. Most guys aren’t trying to piss on the seat, it just happens. If it really bothers you than you should leave the seat up.

Critically Rated at 7/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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