Category Archives: Random Rants

Everyday items like money to days of the week to common situations.

May 1, 2013 · 11:10 am

Saving Old Texts

I have a habit of saving old texts. I’m not really saving them, I’m just lazy so I never delete them. And I have an iPhone so it stores all my conversations with all of my friends. It’s like a time machine. I can see the last time I talked to friends that are no longer with us. I can see what we used to talk about and the random pictures we sent each other, and even though they’ve passed on, I can still pretend like they’re here. I occasionally glance over conversations with ex-girlfriends from time to time. They are like badly written mini romance novels… you see how the courtship started, you see it getting hot and heavy, and you see it start to falter before it explodes into a thousand pieces, and then you see the awkward transition from being in a relationship to forming a new tentative friendship. I can look up old jokes or bring up funny cat pictures that somebody sent me four years ago. I can also view the last time I talked to an old friend, it’s a reminder to keep in touch with people you can’t see everyday. Saving old texts might be viewed as hoarding to some people, but I don’t see anything wrong with holding on to memories. What we did made us who we are.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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April 30, 2013 · 11:04 am

A Walk-Off

A walk-off is baseball’s equivalent of a buzzer beater. Except it’s better than a buzzer beater because there is no time limit in baseball. You can’t simply run out the clock. You can have two outs and be a strike away from losing and still win the game. It’s not over until it’s over. A walk-off can only happen when the home team is at the plate either in the bottom of the 9th inning or in extra innings. It’s awesome when your team wins in a walk-off and it’s agonizing when they lose in a walk-off because there’s nothing you can do about it. It’s one of the best things about baseball. There’s nothing quite like experiencing a walk-off in person. Everyone in the stands is screaming and going nuts while the winning team rushes the field and pummels the clutch hitter as he touches the bag. They jump on top of him and slap his helmet and you see grown men acting like little kids. It’s all smiles and pure joy. It’s why they play the game and it’s why we watch it.

Critically Rated at 16/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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April 29, 2013 · 10:44 am

Brendan H. Young

My name is Brendan. Not Brandon. It’s Brendan. Brendan Young. I like my name. You have to learn how to spell it and how to say it, and anyone who doesn’t know how to say it right is not a real friend. It’s a filtration system. Plus I can introduce myself as B. Young: That’s my name and that’s my motto and that has a nice ring to it. The only problem with my name is that there are a few other Brendan Youngs in the world. One of them is a convicted felon serving time for a drive-by shooting. I realized that I needed some way of differentiating myself from all the other Brendan Youngs out there. So I created a pen name. Well, not so much as a pen name as a fake middle initial. I decided to become Brendan H. Young. H. is a powerful middle initial. It’s not a natural sound. You have to pause slightly to say it correctly and it makes what you’re saying seem more prestigious. Brendan H. Young. You have to admit that it has a nice ring to it. It’s fucking fancy, bro. I thought about being Brendan X. Young but X. is kind of cliché. We’re all about originality here and H. is way more unique than X.

Critically Rated at 15/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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April 27, 2013 · 9:55 am

Power Outage

I’m an American of the 21st century and I rely on electricity. Sometimes the power goes out, mostly because of freak accidents involving weather or vehicles hitting utility poles, and occasionally it gets shut off because of neglected electrical bills. It’s always good to be prepared and have a flashlight or candles handy in case of an emergency. A source of light is comforting and it’s also nice to be able to see what you’re doing. Just be careful if you’re taking a piss by candlelight: dripping hot wax on your junk isn’t that fun. It burns and you’ll probably drop the candle in the toilet. When I was a kid, a power outage was a time to gather around the kitchen table playing cards and board games while eating ice cream before it melts. These days everyone gathers around the iPad, hoping it doesn’t run out of battery because then they would actually have to talk to each other. And kids are already too fat today; they don’t need any more ice cream.

Critically Rated at 9/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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April 27, 2013 · 9:52 am

Charley Horse

If you’re in middle school, a charley horse is when you punch someone else in the thigh so hard that they can’t walk for a few minutes. If you’re grown up and somewhat mature, a charley horse is when you have muscle cramps or spasms in your legs. They fucking suck. It’s just a sudden explosion of pain as your muscles seize up and constrict uncontrollably. You can’t walk, you can’t think, all you can do is cry and wait for the sensation to pass. Consider your lazy ass lucky if you’ve never experienced one. You don’t get them from sitting on your ass, you get them from a physical activity. It’s a downside to being active and enjoying life. Sometimes when you run around, your leg will cramp up (especially if you don’t stretch first). Just remember that pain is good and that you earned that pain.

Critically Rated at 7/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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April 26, 2013 · 9:43 am

Picking Your Nose in Public

I ordered some food the other day and was waiting in line to pick it up when I noticed a guy sitting at a table savagely picking his nose. He was digging for gold, silver, platinum, diamonds, one ring to rule them all… I mean he was going at it. Most public nose pickers try to be subtle about it. This guy was not ashamed at all. He was picking with so much gusto that I was afraid his nose would start gushing blood. He really had no sense of shame about it. I couldn’t look away, I was too fascinated. Picking your nose in public is slightly taboo, but this guy turned it into an art form. It made me feel inadequate about my own nose picking skills. I didn’t know how good some people are at it. This guy could teach a class.

Critically Rated at 10/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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April 26, 2013 · 9:41 am

Whistling With Your Fingers

I wish I knew how to whistle with my fingers. I know how to do a basic whistle, the normal whistle that everyone can do. But it seems like only a few people have mastered whistling with their fingers. It’s much louder and far more impressive. It’s a piercing shriek that demands attention. You’ll hear it at sports events during celebrations and in cliché movie scenes where they hail a taxicab. I’ve watched YouTube instructional videos where they teach you how to finger whistle. They break down all the steps so I can pinpoint the exact moment where I fail. I can spend about three and a half minutes blowing spit and saliva between my fingers before I get lightheaded and give up. Maybe I’m not supposed to know how to finger whistle. I would only use it for evil anyway.

Critically Rated at 13/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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April 24, 2013 · 10:17 am

Bringing a Glove to the Game

It’s baseball season and I love every minute of it, so I’m warning you now that I’ll be writing a bunch of shit about baseball for the next few months. Today’s baseball topic is bringing a glove to the game. Bringing a glove to the game means that you are either really optimistic or six-years-old. I’ve been to over two hundred baseball games in my life and have never caught a ball. I’ve had three major chances, and I would have caught them if I had my glove. I’ve only brought my glove to a few games. One time I was sitting in premium foul ball territory right along the third baseline, so I made sure to bring it. Not a single foul ball came anywhere in the vicinity of me and I almost left my glove at the bar after the game. Wearing a glove is only acceptable at the game, you look like a tool anywhere outside of the stadium. It’s a Catch-22, you’re damned if you do and you’re damned if you don’t. I might never catch a foul ball, but one time I saw a guy get smashed in the face with a loose bat. That almost makes up for it. I just want to catch one ball in my life. I don’t even want to keep the ball. I want to catch it, have my five seconds of glory, and then give it to a little kid nearby. He’ll treasure it more than I would. Unless he throws it back.

Critically Rated at 12/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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April 23, 2013 · 11:11 am

Rocking a Jersey

You’re not a real fan of a team until you get a jersey. Picking a jersey is like getting a new tattoo. It’s a commitment and you have to be sure you’re making the right choice. Which team are you supporting? Which player represents you? Are you going to wear the number of current athlete or a retired great? Home jersey or away? Limited-edition commemorative jersey or a standard issue one? You can have multiple jerseys, but you always remember your first one and you always have a favorite. I love going to games and seeing my fellow fans decked out in familiar names and numbers. I see the little kids rocking the current roster and I see the old folks wearing the names of legends, the heroes of their childhood. Something about rocking a jersey makes you feel like you’re apart of the team. After all, you’re wearing the same uniform. Rocking a jersey makes the game more real, whether you’re in the stands or watching at home.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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April 21, 2013 · 9:36 am

Holding the Door Open

Holding the door open for other people is good etiquette. If you’re the first one in your group to reach the restaurant, you should hold open the door and let your friends in first. If you’re a guy trying to impress a girl, holding open the door is a surefire way to get in her pants. Chicks dig chivalry. Holding the door open for strangers is polite and good karma. The other night I was waiting for my train in the subway and heard a guy asking for someone to hold the door. I looked up and saw a homeless guy in a wheelchair pushing himself along with his feet at a steady 3mph pleading for someone to stop the train. I got up and blocked the doors from closing two or three times. An annoyed lady yelled at me to stop blocking them. I just gave her a dirty look and smirked when her jaw dropped as his crippled ass rolled into view. His wheels got stuck in the gap between the platform and the train, so I had to grab the handles and tilt him back and a random passenger jumped up to help. We worked together and finally got him onto the train, then I stepped back and I heard the formerly rude lady yell out, “Thank you!” as the doors closed. I didn’t help because I wanted brownie points from a crowd full of strangers; I just held the door open because that’s what you’re supposed to do. It’s a nice, simple way to make someone else’s life a little easier.

Critically Rated at 15/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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April 20, 2013 · 9:25 am

Early Morning Bathroom Battle

I live with a few roommates and we only have one bathroom. That means I get to experience the early morning bathroom battle a few times a week. That’s when you get up around the same time as someone else and you fight each other for the bathroom. Most people can’t function until they get through their morning routine, so there’s a lot more tension and less etiquette involved when dealing with sleep-deprived creatures fighting for the same space. You always feel like you are more deserving of the bathroom, that you’re more important. You’ll try to justify that your hygienic needs are more vital than his. It’s essential that you take a shower and you take one now. Your roomie can always brush his teeth in the kitchen or resort to pissing in a bottle… he just wants the bathroom, he doesn’t need it. There’s no better way to start the day than by arguing over who gets to use the shitter first. The early morning bathroom battle can turn violent, but it’s mostly a lot of name-calling and pounding on the door and telling them to hurry the fuck up.

Critically Rated at 10/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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April 19, 2013 · 10:39 am

The Pedestrian Shuffle

I was strolling down the street and saw a little old lady shuffling towards me in the opposite direction. She was about fifty feet away and we were on a collision course. I solved the problem by moving closer to the street, creating a clear path for myself and leaving her enough space to keep moving forward without obstruction. She finally glanced up and saw me, then she proceeded to awkwardly shuffle into my path. All she had to do was continue walking in a straight line. But her natural response was to stumble into the line of fire. Come on, lady. You’re old, you should have learned how to walk by now. I’ll get out of your way again, but this is the last time. Pick a path and stick to it, avoid the pedestrian shuffle.

Critically Rated at 10/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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April 18, 2013 · 10:13 am

Tabs vs. Windows

I consider myself a multitasker. I sit on my ass and have the TV on and my laptop open. I am constantly surfing the net, at any given time I am on at least two or three different websites. And you have two choices when it comes to viewing a new site. You can either open a new tab or open a new window. My buddy Cody is a tab guy. He has Google Chrome on full screen with about fifteen tabs of random shit. He has access to multiple websites, but can only focus on one at a time. I prefer opening a new window because you can be watching Fail videos on one site while reading the news on another. You can check out two sites at once and have Wikipedia or Google waiting on deck. Lately I’ve been listening to the Giants game on the radio while watching the Gameday live updates on the MLB website and simultaneously checking Facebook, my email, and crucial sites like Cracked and Devour. Tabs are nice because you can see all the sites that you have open, but you can only view them one at a time. Windows allow you to scroll the news on one side of your screen with a video playing on the other side, but sometimes a site will get hidden behind another window. You can easily forget about a movie you paused because it gets lost behind the cluster of ADD. Tabs vs. Windows is the greatest bar debate since Tupac vs. Biggie. Choose a side and defend it well.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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April 17, 2013 · 10:31 am

Houseplant

A houseplant is a plant that you keep in your house. You provide it with sunlight and water and it gives you fresh oxygen in return. It’s a fair trade. They are decorative and air purifying and relatively easy to maintain. They just need a cup of water every few days and a slight leaf trimming every few months. A house is not a home without a potted plant on the windowsill, preferably a Ficus or a fern. A houseplant is also a good indicator of how responsible you are. If you can’t remember to water your plants, you probably aren’t ready to have a baby. I have a friend who managed to kill a cactus. That’s impressively neglectful. She also works at a daycare center and is in charge of snack time. Life’s funny sometimes.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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April 16, 2013 · 10:15 am

The Boston Marathon Bombing

April 15th, 2013 was the first major terrorist attack in the U.S. since 9/11. We’ve had a few shootings where more people died, but this was a planned and strategic military-precision attack. Those cowards waited to detonate their bombs, deliberately trying to target regular people. They waited for the winners to cross the finish line, they waited until everyone felt safe and happy, and then they took it all away. And once again, we found a way to prevail. There are so many stories of strangers helping strangers. We again found another way to unite in tragedy, and that’s why the terrorists will never win. We choose to remember the heroes rather than the villains. We refuse to let 4/15 become another figure of speech like 9/11. We won’t forget what happened, we can’t forget what happened, and we will honor the fallen by racing again.

Critically Rated, Written, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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April 16, 2013 · 10:10 am

Wearing Something Straight From the Dryer

Laundry is a chore. You keep putting it off until you have nothing clean to wear and then you have to do it. And while the world is turning and people are having fun, you are stuck staring at a washer and dryer for an hour. But it’s ultimately worth it when the dryer finally buzzes. Not only do you have clean clothes again, but there’s the added perk of wearing something straight from the dryer. A warm shirt on a cold day is like a gentle hug from the cotton gods. And nothing compares to a fresh pair of underwear on your nether regions. It makes you want to do lunges and squats to celebrate. Wearing something straight from the dryer is the best part of laundry day.

Critically Rated at 13/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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April 15, 2013 · 10:22 am

Burned Out

It’s the end of the day and I don’t have anything to say. I have nothing clever to say, no clever quips, nothing worth writing about. I am burned out. I spent the last few hours getting drunk and playing volleyball and I’m completely drained. Life is hard. I know I shouldn’t complain, but I have nothing else to write about, so I will just bitch about how I’m too tired to write about anything. My only focus is not making any spelling mistakes or grammatical errors. So far, so goo. Damn, I almost had it.

Critically Rated at 5/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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