Category Archives: Drinks

Beer, soda, and other fun fluids you put in your mouth.

August 20, 2015 · 6:55 pm

Throwing Up Red Wine

I’m not a big fan of wine. I prefer beer or whiskey. Every now and then I will enjoy a glass of wine, particularly when I’m feeling fancy. If I do get wine, it’s usually a chardonnay or sparkling wine. I can’t red wine. No cabernet, no merlot, no blends. My anti-red wine diet began my sophomore year of college. My roommates and I had a toga party. It wasn’t much of a toga party; it was me and my roommates in makeshift bed sheet togas, a bunch of guests in regular street clothes, two bottles of good wine, and four boxes of Franzia. If you don’t know what Franzia is, consider yourself lucky. It’s a brand of boxed wine that comes in three or five liter packages. It’s wine that you buy in bulk. It’s not terrible tasting but you’re not going to impress anyone if you show up to a dinner party with it. Anyway, my roommates and I drank the two bottles of good wine, then we poured the Franzia into the empty bottles, and we served that to our guests so they thought we were giving them the good stuff.

I ended up drinking a lot of the Franzia out of necessity. It was a toga party damnit and we banned all other types of alcohol for some stupid reason. So glass after glass of Franzia went down the hatch until I reached my limit and kept on going. I would love to say that I handled my booze, but I ended up puking and I puked hard. Throwing up red wine is not fun. It looks like blood and intestines. You think you’re dying. I puked all over my bathroom and passed out in my bed while the party raged on around me. To this day I can’t drink red wine.

I know it’s not fair to swear off quality wine because of a decades old incident with a shitty wine, but my body won’t let me near that poison. I can’t touch gin for the same reason. Throwing up red wine is something that I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy. Nobody deserves that kind of suffering.

Critically Rated at 8/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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August 19, 2015 · 9:14 pm

Water Bottle Cap

I have a couple of canteens that I use for camping, hiking, and when I hang out at the beach or park. It’s essential to stay hydrated and keeping water handy is a great idea whilst doing outdoor activities. I went to a friend’s birthday party in Golden Gate Park a few weeks ago and brought along my trusty canteens and a shit ton of beer. A few hours later the party was wrapping up and it was time to clean up and go. We gathered all our belongings, got all the trash, rolled our blankets, and glanced over our spot for anything left behind. The only thing that was missing was the cap to one of my canteens. A canteen is practically useless without its cap. I searched for the cap for a couple of minutes before I called it a loss and left with everyone else. I was tempted to throw away my canteen but I held on to it for some reason. Maybe it was hope. I’m glad that I didn’t toss it because it turned up a few days later. One of my friends accidently pocketed it that night and she found it when she put on her jacket again. She handed it back to me with a sheepish smile and a half-hearted apology. I was actually pretty impressed. I don’t know how she remembered that I was missing a water bottle cap. I guess she’s a good friend.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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July 17, 2015 · 1:38 pm

Pinky Out

I know a girl who is classy as fuck. How do I know she’s classy? Easy, every time she takes a sip of something she extends her pinky out. She will hold the glass with all her fingers touching it, but as soon as she tilts the glass to take a sip her pinky goes out. She does it automatically and she does it every single time. Trust me, I’ve seen her drink a lot. It doesn’t matter if she’s drinking wine, beer, tea, or soda. She didn’t even know that she did it until I pointed it out. She had no idea that she was so fancy. It’s a good thing that I called attention to it. It’s good for her self-esteem. Every girl wants to be classy as fuck. Most people just pretend to be classy. She has it built in.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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June 29, 2015 · 6:08 pm

Pickle Back

A pickle back is a shot of dill pickle brine that you use as a chaser. It has nothing to do with that pickle-loving Nickelback cover band. Generally you gulp down the pickle back after you take a shot of liquor. Apparently it goes really well with Jameson, and it definitely does not mix with Fireball. My sister is a big fan and advocate for pickle backs. She insists that everyone tries it at least once. She always had an unhealthy obsession for pickles though. I wouldn’t recommend it if you don’t like pickles. Go for it if you do. It gives you the ability to conquer the most vile shots imaginable. You’ll be blacked out in no time.

Critically Rated at 13/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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April 11, 2015 · 6:56 pm

$100 for 13 Bottles of Bud Light

I was hanging out with some friends at the bar the other night and last call snuck up on us. Suddenly the bar was closing and it was too late to run to the liquor store. My friend was desperate to keep the party going. How desperate? Well, she gave the bartender fifty bucks to take home thirteen bottles of Bud Light. And she tipped fifty bucks on top of that. Let that sink in. She spent $100 for 13 bottles of Bud Light. If that’s not a waste of money, I don’t know what is. You can get a 12-pack of Bud Light for less than fifteen bucks, or you can spend twenty bucks and get a 12-pack of good beer. She chose to waste a hundred bucks on thirteen shitty beers. To each their own, but that’s fucking ridiculous. I couldn’t even drink one. I was too busy shaking my head.

Critically Rated at 2/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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March 24, 2015 · 1:39 pm

Bar Ordering Showdown

You’re hanging out with some friends at the bar and it’s time to order another drink. You leave your table in the corner and approach the bartender at the same time as someone else. The two of you are now competing for the bartender’s attention and only one person can win the bar ordering showdown. Who will be served first? This is when it pays to be a regular, but not everybody has that luxury. The best way to win the showdown is to have a twenty in your hand and a look of determination. Make eye contact but don’t stare. And always know what you want. If you’re in a new bar or one that you don’t frequent often, it helps to pay as you go and tip out well on each drink. Overtip on the first round and the bartender will definitely remember you. You can’t win every showdown so don’t take it personally when you lose. The bartender won’t ignore you forever. Eventually you’ll get a drink and that’s all that matters.

Critically Rated at 11/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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February 24, 2015 · 12:50 pm

Acquired Taste

An acquired taste is a slowly developed appreciation for a beverage or food. For instance, most people don’t enjoy alcohol the first time they try it. They have to force it down. The more they drink it, the more used to the taste they get, and gradually they start to enjoy it. It’s kind of dumb in a funny sort of way. I don’t like this. This is gross. But I’m going to keep drinking it regardless. Ugh, let me choke down another sip. Blah. Another sip. You know what? It’s not so bad. Not good, but not terrible. Another sip. It’s growing on me. Sip, sip, sip. Mmm, this is good. I wonder if it comes in other flavors. Before you know it, you’re a connoisseur of sorts trying to get other people to try what you once hated.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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February 13, 2015 · 8:48 pm

Rogue Sriracha Hot Stout Beer

Oregon’s Rogue Ales & Spirits presents Sriracha Hot Stout Beer. It’s exactly what it sounds like. It’s a stout brewed with Huy Fong Sriracha. They went all out on this beer. It looks like the iconic Huy Fong Sriracha bottle. It’s red, it has the rooster on it, and it even has a green bottle cap with its own little rooster. I spotted it while I was celebrating Beer Week at Rogue Ales Public House in San Francisco last night. The couple at the table next to me had it and I knew that I had to get it right away. I ordered a bottle for the table and we all went on a trip to flavor country. The aroma is of garlic, Sriracha, and chili peppers. It has hints of chocolate, roast coffee beans, maybe a little smoke, but the Sriracha flavor steals the show. It’s subtle at first and then the spiciness starts to sneak in, intensifying with each sip, just like Sriracha does. It lingers better than any other hot sauce. It’s good. I could drink a whole bottle, but I wouldn’t do two in a row. It’s a beer worth trying, so definitely grab it if you ever get the chance. It’s a cool beer and one that I will remember for a long time. I even kept the empty bottle (along with the cap) as a keepsake. It will look nice on my shelf and it’s a guaranteed conversation starter.

Critically Rated at 13/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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January 29, 2015 · 2:02 pm

Bloody Mary

A Bloody Mary is a popular cocktail. It’s vodka with tomato juice and spices and other flavors. It typically includes salt, pepper, lemon or lime juice, Worcestershire, and some sort of hot sauce like Tabasco or Red Hot. It’s often elaborately garnished with a lime wedge, olives, celery, maybe a pickle or onion, and it’s increasingly common to serve it with bacon, beef jerky, or some other smoked/salted hunk of meat. It’s one of those drinks that you grow to love. You probably don’t like your first sip of a Bloody Mary, but the taste grows on you. It cures hangovers and helps start new ones. A good Bloody Mary always starts with a good Bloody Mary mix. You don’t want anything that comes readymade from a bottle. You want to make it fresh. A good bartender takes pride in their cocktails and a Bloody Mary is one of the most complex drinks you can order. If it’s good, the bartender is too. As Vanilla Ice once said, “anything less than the best is a felony.”

Critically Rated at 15/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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January 22, 2015 · 6:02 pm

Wine Key

A wine key is a corkscrew used to open wine. It is sometimes called a waiter’s friend or a sommelier knife. It’s similar in design to a pocketknife and feature a folding corkscrew and a small blade for cutting the foil around the top of the bottle. There are better corkscrews out there, but wine keys are the most practical, transportable, and handy. Any decent waiter, bartender, Frenchman, or alcoholic has one. Everybody should have one really, especially if you drink wine. You don’t want to be stuck drinking Franzia forever.

Critically Rated at 13/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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January 16, 2015 · 10:53 pm

Hair of the Dog

Everybody knows that you fight fire with fire and that the best cure for a hangover is more alcohol. It’s known as hair of the dog. You might wake up the morning after a night of partying with a splitting headache and a craving for McDonald’s, but downing a Bloody Mary or a Mimosa in the a.m. is enough to save your life. You’re not drinking to get drunk again. You’re drinking to get rid of the pain. A hangover is the first sign of alcohol withdrawal. Pumping booze back into your system helps to level you out. It’s science. I read it on Wikipedia. Now you read it here. Dealing with the hair of the dog is not an easy thing to handle sometimes. It’s tough to drink when you don’t want to drink. But you’ll actually feel better if you can stomach it and manage not to puke. The best cure for a hangover is often the hair of the dog that bit you.

Critically Rated at 13/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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January 14, 2015 · 8:03 pm

Master of Disguise Imperial Golden Stout

Stone Brewing Co. has a delicious brew released under their Stochasticity Project label. It’s called Master of Disguise Imperial Golden Stout. It’s blonde stout. It’s amazing. It looks like a golden ale. It pours a hazy orange copper color with a thin white head. But it smells of toasted grains, roasted malts, chocolate, and coffee. It tastes like an Imperial stout. There’s lots of coffee and dark chocolates, it’s roasty with a hop balance. It’s beyond delicious for any fans of stouts. It even has a 9.7% ABV. It’s a stout in everyway except appearance. It really is a master of disguise. This beer is hard to find and it’s a one-time batch so it will soon be impossible to find. Seize the chance to buy a bottle while you can. You shan’t be disappointed.

Critically Rated at 15/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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January 10, 2015 · 10:04 pm

Premium from Stillwater Artisanal Ales

Premium is an American Blonde Ale brewed by Maryland’s Still Water Artisanal Ales. It’s described as a ‘Post Prohibition’ style ale brewed with Pilsner malt, corn, and rice. It is easily the worst beer that I’ve ever had. I mean it is terrible. I used to not believe in bad beers. I used to believe that some beers were just better than others. Now I know the truth. There are bad beers. And this one takes the cake. It pours a cloudy golden straw color with a white head. It looks decent. Then you smell the aroma of musty hay and grass. It smells skunky and funky and old. And then you taste it and it’s even worse than you think it could possibly be. It tastes like it was left out all night. It’s rancid. It’s almost undrinkable. I tried this beer with four other beer snobs. None of us could stomach it. I don’t like to waste beer but I poured this brew down the toilet. It wasn’t even good enough for the sink. From now on I will be weary of anything that Stillwater Artisanal Ales has to offer. If they can put a shoddy brew like this on the market, I can’t trust anything they do. And it’s only 4.5% ABV so you can’t even get drunk off it. For shame.

Critically Rated at 3/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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January 5, 2015 · 4:24 pm

Popping Champagne

Popping champagne almost always signifies a celebration. You crack a beer at the end of a long day; you pop champagne to commemorate a special occasion. You pop champagne when you get engaged, married, win a championship, or bring in the New Year. You pop the cork and spray the crowd if you really want to get rowdy. Champagne is fizzy, it’s happy. It’s not something that you drown your sorrows in.

Whoever buys the bottle of champagne has the honor of popping it. It might be intimidating at first, but confidence is always the key. Grab the neck of the bottle firmly and use your thumbs to slowly push up the cork. Make sure you’re not aiming at anybody’s face (nobody deserves to die like that). Try to aim the cork at something in specific, like at a tile in the ceiling or on top of an awning. The most important thing about buying a bottle of champagne is letting everybody know that you were the one who bought the bottle of champagne. It’s not worth it if you don’t get credit for it.

Critically Rated at 15/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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January 3, 2015 · 6:00 pm

Cracking a Beer

Cracking a beer is something that should be taken seriously. Opening a bottle of beer is a commitment. You’re investing time and money into another round. It’s not something that you should be taking lightly. There’s no going back once you’ve opened a beer. You either have to drink it or waste it, and it’s practically illegal to waste beer. There’s not a law against it, but there should be. Don’t crack open a beer if you can’t drink it. It’s as simple as that. Or give it to me if you can’t finish it. And yes, this post was inspired by a beer that I cracked open at 1:47 a.m. last night. I regret nothing.

Critically Rated at 11/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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December 16, 2014 · 1:40 pm

Drake’s Jolly Rodger 2014 Imperial Coffee Stout

Drake’s Jolly Rodger is an impressive Imperial Coffee Stout. It’s brewed by San Leandro, California’s Drake’s Brewing Company and uses Blue Bottle Coffee beans to create a rich, dark stout. It pours a dark brown with a nice tan head. The aroma is coffee, chocolate, roasted malt and a hint of vanilla. The taste is of roasted coffee, dark chocolate, bready malts, nuts, and toffee. It has an impressive 9% alcohol content. This is the perfect beer for cold winter nights. It makes you want to light a couple of candles or chill by the fire with a good book. This is a sit-on-you-ass-and-not-go-anywhere beer. It means you are officially in relax mode and can ignore the outside world.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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December 14, 2014 · 2:19 pm

Fireball Cinnamon Whiskey

Fireball Cinnamon Whiskey is a cinnamon-flavored whiskey liqueur. Not whiskey, a whiskey-based liqueur. It only 33% alcohol by volume. It’s kind of trendy right now. It’s one of the top ten most popular liquors, up there with Jäegarmeister, Jameson, and Patrón. You’ll find it at most bars and it’s a staple of house parties everywhere. I first discovered it about two years ago. I’m totally over it now. The hipsters can have it. The thing about Fireball is that it acts as its own chaser. You take a swig and swallow and the cinnamon burns your throat and hides the taste of alcohol. Most people take it as a shot or on the rocks, but you can use it as an ingredient to make a variety of cocktails. Nasty cinnamon-flavored cocktails, but cocktails nonetheless.

Critically Rated at 10/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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