Monthly Archives: December 2013

December 23, 2013 · 9:54 am

The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug

The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug is the second chapter of the Hobbit trilogy. It’s not very good. I haven’t seen it. And I don’t plan on seeing it. Because this whole trilogy is a bloated, unnecessary piece of shit, and any true fan of the LOTR will admit that. I love the Lord of the Rings trilogy. I waited in line for opening day. I own the special editions. I’ve watched the special features and exclusive documentaries. I think it’s incredible that New Line Cinema and Peter Jackson were able to translate Tolkien’s masterpiece to the big screen. But The Hobbit is not a masterpiece. It’s a kid’s book. It’s amateur compared to Tolkien’s later books. I know they had to make it into a film because the LOTR films made so much money. But they didn’t have to make it into a trilogy. They got greedy and it shows. They added characters and plot points and expanded the story in an attempt to lengthen the running time. And that made the film boring.

Truth be told, I didn’t even see An Unexpected Journey. Shocking, I know. But this is how it works for me: when a movie comes out I’m either excited to see it or I don’t care. I either go on opening day or I wait a few days to read reviews and hear what other people say. And most people that saw An Unexpected Journey weren’t impressed. They had some good things to say about various things, but they weren’t foaming at the mouth and clamoring to see it again. They weren’t excited. It was boring. It was all exposition. It didn’t seem worth $20 to see it in IMAX 3-D. So I didn’t see it.

The Desolation of Smaug came out two weeks ago, and I decided to wait and see if it was worth it because I was still skeptical. I read the reviews, I heard what people had to say about it, I asked other people for their opinion, and they all say the same thing. They say it’s better than the first one and they liked a few parts, but the dull look in their eyes gives them away. They want to like it, but they can’t. It’s a hollow experience like the Star War prequel trilogy. You only watch it because you feel obligated to watch it. That’s not entertainment, that’s a chore.

Critically Rated at 10/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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December 22, 2013 · 1:38 pm

Deadpool Classic Vol. 1 (comic)

Deadpool is Marvel’s “Merc with a Mouth” and one of the most popular comic book characters out there. You can find out why by checking out Deadpool Classic Vol. 1. You have to start somewhere, so start at the beginning with Deadpool’s first appearance in New Mutants #98, and then continue into his first solo series with Deadpool: The Circle Chase #1-4, the 1994 miniseries Deadpool #1-4, and finally with the 1997 relaunch Deadpool #1.

The storylines aren’t that amazing, but you get a sense of who Deadpool is, what he can do, and what makes him tick. He might be a blatant rip-off of DC’s Deathstroke, but that doesn’t matter. Wade Wilson is far more interesting and complex than Slade Wilson. And Deadpool is a better name. And he does cooler things. Right away you can tell that you like this guy even if you can’t trust him. He looks like a badass, he fights like a badass, and he‘s sarcastic, witty, and possibly psychotic. You can tell right away that there’s something different about him. Deadpool Classic Vol. 1 isn’t the best compilation, but it’s a great introduction to a great character.

Critically Rated at 13/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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December 22, 2013 · 1:29 pm

Route 66 Cream Soda

Route 66 Sodas are a brand of gourmet sodas made with real cane sugar. They have a few different flavors available: Root Beer, Orange Soda, Lime Soda, Black Cherry, and Cream Soda. I’ve never heard of Route 66 Sodas before, but it caught my eye at my local corner store so I decided to give it a try. I went with Cream Soda, because why not? It has a rich vanilla aroma, which makes you excited for the first sip. It tastes amazing. They use real cane sugar and you can tell. It’s sweet, creamy, and delicious, with the perfect amount of carbonation. The little carbonated bubbles burst on your tongue, bombarding your buds with blasts of vanilla and caramel flavors. This is the type of soda that your grandpa would drink when he was a kid. It’s what soda used to be. It’s nostalgia in a bottle.

Critically Rated at 15/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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December 21, 2013 · 7:42 am

Wrapping Presents

Every holiday season you go on a quest. You search through malls and stores and websites in search of the perfect gift for a loved one. You have to think about what that person wants, what they need, and what’s in your budget. And then you have to wrap up. Wrapping presents makes your gift a little bit more mysterious and that makes it more fun. It’s also an unnecessary gimmick to make department stores a little bit more money. But it’s become tradition and customary, and a gift seems less personal if it’s not wrapped. You don’t even need to use real wrapping paper, the funny pages from the paper make an adequate substitute. I’ve even used grocery store advertisements and brown paper bags for wrapping presents. It only ruined Christmas a little bit.

Critically Rated at 9/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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December 21, 2013 · 7:41 am

Sweet Chili Wonderful Pastachios

Sweet Chili Wonderful Pistachios are a brand of sweet-chili flavored pistachios. Dez are good nutz. Put dem in yo mouth and suck on dat. Sorry, I don’t know where that came from. Dez nutz just get me excited I guess. They are slightly above mild and slightly below medium on the hotness scale. I can eat about four or five of them until I start sweating a little bit. Wonderful brand pistachios are crunchy and consistent, with only occasional burnt or misshapen pistachios finding their way into the bag. The spice flavor on the shells might leave a little residue on your fingertips, but it’s nothing compared to the damage a Dorito does. It’s salty, it’s spicy, and it goes well with a beer. Give Sweet Chili Wonderful Pistachios a try.

Critically Rated at 12/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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December 20, 2013 · 11:16 am

Top Seventeen Christmas Movies

So Christmas 2013 is less than week away and I’ve somehow managed to avoid watching any Christmas movies. I thought I would celebrate that fact by ranking my top seventeen Christmas movies. And I never saw It’s a Wonderful Life or Miracle on 34th Street, so they aren’t included. These are the Christmas movies that I care about.

 

17. Ernest Saves Christmas is not a good movie, but it’s good enough to be on this list. The late and great Jim Varney plays Ernest, and it’s up to him to find a replacement for the aging Santa Claus and save Christmas.

 

16. Jingle All the Way would be a forgettable Arnold Schwarzenegger comedy if it wasn’t set at Christmas time. It kind of glorifies the commercial aspect of the holiday, but I love presents so I’m not complaining.

 

15. Bad Santa is an R-rated black comedy starring Billy Bob Thornton as an alcoholic burglar who robs malls on Christmas Eve. It’s raunchy and hilarious, and not something you can watch with kids in the room.

 

14. Home Alone 2: Lost in New York reunites young Kevin McCallister with the Wet Bandits. But this time, they are in New York and Kevin has a Talkboy. You can do anything with a Talkboy.

 

13. Elf is your typical Will Ferrell man-child comedy, but this time he plays an elf. Or a human that was raised as elf. I don’t know, it doesn’t really matter.

 

12. National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation is Chevy Chase’s best Christmas movie. There’s no denying it.

 

11. The Santa Clause is responsible for more people misspelling Santa Claus than any other movie. It also was the foundation for the best Christmas trilogy of all time. Name a better Christmas trilogy.

 

10. Batman Returns takes place around Christmas. It has Batman in it. And Michelle Pfeiffer in black leather. Merry Christmas indeed.

 

9. The Nightmare Before Christmas is dark and creepy, but it’s still a family film. It’s easily the most visually interesting film on this list, plus it has great characters and musical numbers.

 

8. Gremlins manages to combine humor and horror into a holiday film. I don’t even know how that’s possible, but they pull it off.

 

7. How the Grinch Stole Christmas! is the original animated Dr. Seuss classic, not the bloated Jim Carrey live action film. You know that Christmas is just around the corner when you’re flipping channels and stumble upon the Grinch.

 

6. The Muppet Christmas Carol is another retelling of the classic story by Charles Dickens, only with Muppets. And Muppets make everything better. Michael Caine plays a good Ebenezer Scrooge.

 

5. Home Alone made Macaulay Culkin a star, and it made child neglect funny again. It was the original family comedy without the family.

 

4. Scrooged is yet another take on the Dickens classic. Bill Murray plays a Scrooge-like television executive who gets visited by three ghosts so he can learn the true meaning of Christmas. Bill Murray is like bacon, he makes everything better.

 

3. A Charlie Brown Christmas is the best animated Christmas movie. Everybody has seen it, everybody loves it, and everybody knows that Charlie Brown sucks at picking out Christmas trees.

 

2. Die Hard is badass. It’s one of the best action films of all time. It made Bruce Willis a superstar, it introduced us to Alan Rickman, and the world can never be thankful enough. It’s also the only Christmas movie that you can watch every day without being judged.

 

1. A Christmas Story is the best Christmas movie of all time. Was there ever any doubt? It’s the perfect blend of nostalgia, consumerism, and family values. It’s funny, it’s heartwarming, it’s quotable, and it’s a shared experience. It’s not Christmas until you catch it on the 24-hour TBS marathon.

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December 20, 2013 · 11:10 am

Betrayal Imperial Red Ale

Betrayal Imperial Red Ale is a limited series beer brewed by San Francisco’s Speakeasy Ales & Lagers. It has a nice balance of toasty and caramel malts with piney and citrus hops in the nose. It has a very sweet flavor, mostly of chocolate and caramel malts with a little bitter pine hops to even it out. It’s not too carbonated, making it very drinkable and smooth. The 8.2% alcohol content makes it a well-rounded red ale, and worth trying for anybody who enjoys quality craft beers. The artwork on the label is cool too. There’s a seductive young flapper gazing over her shoulder and it seems as though she’s looking right at you. It seems innocent enough, until you notice the silhouette of fedora-wearing man in her hand mirror. There’s something scandalous going on, and you’re going to have to buy the beer to see what the betrayal is all about.

Critically Rated at 13/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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December 19, 2013 · 9:44 am

End of the Year Montage Videos

We are in the final two weeks of 2013, which means that you’re about to experience a flood of End of the Year montage videos, lists, countdowns, and Year in Review hoopla in your Facebook feed. This is a time for reflection, a time to remember all the big news stories, untimely deaths, and memorable sports moments that made 2013 the crazy year it was. We celebrate the conclusion of each year with montage videos to remind us of all the stuff that we’ve already forgotten about. Expect to hear the hit singles of 2013 edited to media clips of natural disasters, suffering people, civil unrest and citizen uprisings, Pope Francis, Obamacare, the US Government shutdown, whistleblowing, school shootings, the Boston Marathon bombing, disgraced politicians, underrated miracles, and Miley Cyrus twerking and wrecking-balling. Kim and Kanye also want to remind you that they had a baby. 2013 was a fun year. And it looks better in a montage.

Critically Rated at 12/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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December 19, 2013 · 9:41 am

The Lottery Ticket Paradox

The lottery ticket paradox was a stoney thought I had the other night as I clutched my Mega Millions ticket in my hand. Let’s say you go in on a $10 quick pick with a friend on the night of the drawing. He gives you five bucks, you throw down another $5 and buy the ticket. You text him a picture of the ticket as proof of purchase, then you stuff the ticket in your wallet and temporarily forget about it. A few hours later your buddy calls you saying that you hit the jackpot. That piece of paper that your fat ass is sitting on is worth millions of dollars.

But there’s a paradox here. The lottery ticket paradox. Did you have the winning ticket before the numbers were drawn? At what point did you become a millionaire? Was it when you purchased the ticket? Was it when the Mega Number was drawn? Was it when your friend called you and told you? Or do you have to wait until you receive that giant oversized check for it to be official? It’s essentially the chicken vs. egg debate. Does your ticket match the drawing, or does the drawing match your ticket?

Critically Rated at 13/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

lotto tickets

Broken dreams

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December 18, 2013 · 11:46 am

Playing an Instrument

I respect anybody who is capable of playing an instrument. I wish I could. I just don’t have the chops for it. I’ve played a few random instruments. In fourth grade we were forced to play the recorder (those plastic flute things), in sixth grade it was hand bells, and I took a drum class for a semester in eighth grade. Those experiences made me realize that I have no musical ability. None. At all. I have no sense of rhythm. I go off tempo even when I’m counting out the beat. But I’ve come to terms with it and I’m ok with it. Now I realize that most people can’t play an instrument and that’s a good thing. If everyone played music, everyone would be on stage and there would be nobody in the audience. Musicians need musically inept people like me to make a living.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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December 18, 2013 · 11:44 am

Inside Joke

An inside joke is a joke that you share with only a handful of people. It’s only funny for you and the few people that are in on it. You all think it’s hilarious. Everyone else thinks it’s stupid. They also feel left out, but they will never admit that. It’s rude to tell inside jokes around somebody on the outside. You have to feign sympathy, apologize, and explain that it was an inside joke. And it’s awkward to tell them that they should stop laughing because they don’t get it. An inside joke is kind of like segregation. It makes some people feel included while isolating everyone else. An inside joke is the apartheid of comedy.

Critically Rated at 10/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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December 17, 2013 · 8:31 am

City of Scars (fan film)

City of Scars is a 2010 independent fan film based on Batman, and it’s actually pretty damn good. It’s a Batman movie made by Batman fans for Batman fans. Writer/director/producer Aaron Schoenke perfectly captures the gritty tone of Gotham City as Batman wonders if his crime fighting methods are making things worse in Gotham whilst on a mission to save a kidnapped boy from the clutches of the Joker. Kevin Porter plays Bruce Wayne/Batman and he’s as good or better than George Clooney. A guy named Paul Molnar plays the Joker and he does a decent job, but he’s not intimidating enough. There are a couple of DC character cameos that most fanboys would appreciate like Harley Quinn and Black Canary. Any genuine Batman fan will be a fan of this short film. It’s only 30 minutes long, and there are some cool fight scenes and special effects. It’s pretty impressive for only having a budget of $27,000. You can find it on YouTube, that’s where I stumbled upon it.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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December 17, 2013 · 8:27 am

Coin Snatching

Coin snatching is when you snatch a coin or coins off of your elbow. If you’re right handed, put a quarter onto your right elbow and balance it there. Then let your elbow drop and try to grab the quarter out of the air with your right hand. It takes a couple of tries but it’s pretty easy to get the hang of it. Practice with one quarter for a while and you can start moving up to more and more coins. It more impressive if you have more coins, but it’s also more embarrassing when you fail. Coin snatching will never get you any girls, but it’s a good bar trick if you can do it when you’re drunk.

Critically Rated at 11/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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December 16, 2013 · 8:30 am

7-Select Peppered Beef Jerky

7-Select is 7-Eleven’s store brand name and they make a bunch of different products, beef jerky being one of them. 7-Select Peppered Beef Jerky is comparable to Oberto or Jack Link’s. It doesn’t taste as good, but it’s cheaper and being cheap saves you money. It’s not a bad jerky. I’ve had worse and I’ve had better, but it’s still satisfactory. It’s not dry or crumbly and it’s not juicy and moist. It’s pretty average and that’s all you expect from a store brand. It’s cheap and edible and gets the job done. It’s only $4.99 for 3-ounce bag, which is a pretty decent deal. You save a few bucks and you can use that money to get a Slurpee, some candy, or a couple of lotto tickets. And if you win the lotto, you don’t have to buy 7-Select products anymore.

Critically Rated at 11/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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December 16, 2013 · 8:28 am

Corona Familiar

Did you know that Corona Extra has a more sophisticated older brother called Corona Familiar? Because I didn’t until about ten minutes ago when I discovered it at the corner store. It comes in 32 ounce brown bottles and apparently it tastes more like the Corona that they make in Mexico. There’s a lot of internet debate about whether or not it’s the same beer as Corona Extra, and I can’t tell because I don’t have a Corona Extra to compare it to. I think it tastes better than a Corona Extra, but that might just be because the brown bottle keeps the light out so it doesn’t get skunky. It has a 4.5% ABV, which is pretty standard for a crisp lager. It’s extremely drinkable and smooth, and perfect for a hot day at the beach. Too bad it’s a cold day in the city. If you like Corona Extra, you’ll like this beer.

Critically Rated at 10/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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December 15, 2013 · 6:20 pm

Starting Each Sentence With “And”

“And” is a great way to start each sentence. And it’s recommended because you can ramble on and on. And it won’t seem like it’s a glorified run-on sentence because you use periods and punctuation marks. And people like punctuation marks. And periods. And anything else that makes your incoherent ramblings seem more coherent. And it’s also easier to read. And the easier it is to read, the more people will read it. And maybe they will share it. And then I will get more hits and views on my site. And that makes me feel good about myself. And it makes me feel more confident. And everybody knows that self-confidence is an important attribute. And if you feel better about yourself, you are more inclined to help others out. And that makes the world a better place. And don’t you want the world to be a better place? And I know this post is lazy, but I had to write something. And I’m done now so I don’t really care anymore.

Critically Rated at 13/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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December 15, 2013 · 6:18 pm

Oaktown Brown Ale

Oaktown Brown Ale is a bold & soulful American brown ale from San Jose, California’s Calicraft Brewing Co. It has a rich malty aroma with hints of roast coffee, nuts, chocolate, caramel, and oak. It smells like it has a lot of flavor, but the first sip is disappointing. I can taste coffee, nuts, wood, roasted malts, chocolate, caramel, and toffee but it’s too thin and feels watered down. It’s not exciting. It’s bland. And you don’t want your craft beer to be bland. It has a 6.7% alcohol content, which is decent but not good. There’s not anything special about this beer. There’s nothing terrible about it, but I wouldn’t recommend it to anyone and I definitely wouldn’t expect to be hailed as a hero for bringing it to a party. It’s a boring and forgettable beer. Even the label is boring. The only reason to try it is to say that you tried it. And that’s not a good enough reason.

Critically Rated at 9/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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