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Top Seventeen Superhero Movies

Superhero movies have been a staple at the box office for over a decade now, and it seems like its time to Critically Rate them. To make this list the main character(s) must be a superhero. For the purposes of this list, a superhero is someone who has superpowers OR wears a costume/disguise and they must fight crime/bad guys/or a main villain. The film doesn’t need to be based on a comic to qualify; it just needs to be awesome. Here is my list of the Top Seventeen Superhero Movies of All Time.

17. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. This 1990 film is one of the oldest movies on the list, but it was a successful start to a cinematic franchise. It has comedic moments but it also takes itself seriously. The Shredder is a genuinely scary villain, the teenaged turtles are full of angst, and the action scenes pass the test.

16. The Incredible Hulk. The 2008 film was a sequel/reboot of the 2003 Hulk, and it was a much more satisfying movie. Edward Norton is always solid, Tim Roth plays a great foe, and the special effects were miles ahead of any other Hulk adaptation at that point.

15. Thor. Thor is not just a superhero, he is a god. The 2011 film brought Thor to the big screen for the first time. Kenneth Branagh directed a Shakespearean-style superhero movie that had two powerful brothers facing off. Chris Hemsworth is a picture perfect Thor, but this film gets more credit for introducing Loki (played by Tom Hiddleston) who has so far proven to be the best villain in any Marvel movie to date.

14. The Amazing Spider-Man is the 2012 reboot starring Andrew Garfield as your friendly neighborhood Spider-man. Sure, this movie was only made so that Sony could hold onto the movie rights to the character, but it was better than the Sam Raimi directed films in almost every way. It had better casting, better special effects, a better story, and better action scenes. People just didn’t want to watch it because Tobey Maguire is still fresh in their minds. Fuck Tobey Maguire. Give Andrew Garfield a chance.

13. Watchmen. This adaptation of the beloved graphic novel is not perfect by any means, but it deserves a spot on this list. It was thought to be unfilmable but Zack Snyder managed to capture the general essence of it. The most frustrating thing is that he got so many things right, but he still felt compelled to change the storyline. Don’t be fooled by the theatrical release, the director’s cut is better and the ultimate cut is even better than that.

12. Kick-Ass was a good superhero because it was a wry commentary on superhero movies. It made fun of superheroes while celebrating them at the same time. It was hysterically funny and extremely violent. That’s a good formula for entertainment.

11. X-Men was the first film of the X-Men franchise, and its success at the box office paved the way for all the superhero movies to follow. It’s not a faithful adaptation, but it’s an honest one. And the world got to see Hugh Jackman as Wolverine for the first time.

10. Batman Returns is another film that took a lot of liberties with the source material, but that doesn’t stop it from being one of the best Batman movies. Tim Burton, Michael Keaton, Michelle Pfeiffer, Danny DeVito, Christopher Walken, an army of penguins, and Pee-wee Herman? What more do you need?

9. Iron Man is a great movie because it was so unexpectedly enjoyable. Iron Man is a famous comic book character, but he doesn’t have the prestige that Batman, Spider-man, and Superman enjoy. Robert Downey, Jr. was a bit of a gamble, director Jon Favreau was a bit of a gamble, but everything clicked and fell into place and the seeds for The Avengers movie were planted.

8. Man of Steel. This was the Superman movie that I was waiting for. I honestly enjoyed Superman Returns, but even I have to admit that it was a boring movie. Man of Steel was not boring. And it might not have been Richard Donner and Christopher Reeve’s version of Superman, but it was still Superman. Even if you hated this movie, you still have to admit that the action scenes are more than exhilarating.

7. X2: X-Men United is a superior movie to the original in every single way. It has more mutants, more powers, more action, and a better story. The opening scene with Nightcrawler is reason alone to warrant a spot on this list. It made you think that the X-Men franchise was going to be one of the best series of all time. And then the third one came out and shattered your belief system. Fuck you Brett Ratner. Fuck you.

6. Superman. This is the oldest film on my list and it’s one of the most important. Richard Donner’s film has been the model for every successful superhero movie to follow is. He set the template for superhero movies. He respected the source material, and more importantly, he respected the audience. Christopher Reeve was Clark Kent. He was Superman. And he will always be the standard.

5. Spider-man 2. Tobey Maguire’s second venture as Spider-man will always be one of my favorite sequels. It’s a fun ride from beginning to end and you hardly have time to catch your breath. There’s humor, there’s despair, there’s action, and there’s romance. It’s everything that you want from a Hollywood blockbuster.

4. The Matrix. Yes, Neo is a superhero. He has powers, he has an alter ego (his real name is Thomas Anderson), he has a costume (black trench coat and sunglasses), and he fights the evil Mr. Smith. He’s a superhero, and he’s a badass, and he’s The One.

3. The Incredibles isn’t based on a comic book, it’s not live action, and it’s still a great superhero movie. You could say it’s the best and you would have a valid argument. It’s about a family of superheroes with really cool superpowers and they face off against an interesting supervillain. It’s funny, it’s heartwarming, and it has some amazing action scenes.

2. The Dark Knight is not only the best Batman movie, it’s the best DC movie. Christian Bale deserves some credit, but everybody knows that Heath Ledger carries the movie. His Joker is perhaps the best villain in any superhero movie. Christopher Nolan crafted a great trilogy, but this is the highlight by far. It’s The Dark Knight Trilogy for a reason, not The Batman Begins Trilogy or The Batman and Bane Trilogy.

1. Marvel’s The Avengers. Was there ever any doubt that this would be the best superhero movie of all time? You have Iron Man, Captain America, the Hulk, Thor, and (to a lesser extent) Nick Fury Hawkeye, and Black Widow fighting to save the planet. There are tons of characters and powers, plots and subplots, and somehow Joss Whedon manages to weave everything together to create a fun, entertaining, and satisfying blockbuster. The climactic battle is beyond description, a joyous showcase of special effects and sheer spectacle. It’s why you go to the movies. It’s why you justify spending $20 to watch something in IMAX 3-D.

So that’s my list. I hope you like it or at least respect it. If I missed anything that you think deserves to be on here, let me know and I’ll either add it or tell you why you’re wrong.

Critically Rated at 15/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Top Seventeen Christmas Movies

So Christmas 2013 is less than week away and I’ve somehow managed to avoid watching any Christmas movies. I thought I would celebrate that fact by ranking my top seventeen Christmas movies. And I never saw It’s a Wonderful Life or Miracle on 34th Street, so they aren’t included. These are the Christmas movies that I care about.

 

17. Ernest Saves Christmas is not a good movie, but it’s good enough to be on this list. The late and great Jim Varney plays Ernest, and it’s up to him to find a replacement for the aging Santa Claus and save Christmas.

 

16. Jingle All the Way would be a forgettable Arnold Schwarzenegger comedy if it wasn’t set at Christmas time. It kind of glorifies the commercial aspect of the holiday, but I love presents so I’m not complaining.

 

15. Bad Santa is an R-rated black comedy starring Billy Bob Thornton as an alcoholic burglar who robs malls on Christmas Eve. It’s raunchy and hilarious, and not something you can watch with kids in the room.

 

14. Home Alone 2: Lost in New York reunites young Kevin McCallister with the Wet Bandits. But this time, they are in New York and Kevin has a Talkboy. You can do anything with a Talkboy.

 

13. Elf is your typical Will Ferrell man-child comedy, but this time he plays an elf. Or a human that was raised as elf. I don’t know, it doesn’t really matter.

 

12. National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation is Chevy Chase’s best Christmas movie. There’s no denying it.

 

11. The Santa Clause is responsible for more people misspelling Santa Claus than any other movie. It also was the foundation for the best Christmas trilogy of all time. Name a better Christmas trilogy.

 

10. Batman Returns takes place around Christmas. It has Batman in it. And Michelle Pfeiffer in black leather. Merry Christmas indeed.

 

9. The Nightmare Before Christmas is dark and creepy, but it’s still a family film. It’s easily the most visually interesting film on this list, plus it has great characters and musical numbers.

 

8. Gremlins manages to combine humor and horror into a holiday film. I don’t even know how that’s possible, but they pull it off.

 

7. How the Grinch Stole Christmas! is the original animated Dr. Seuss classic, not the bloated Jim Carrey live action film. You know that Christmas is just around the corner when you’re flipping channels and stumble upon the Grinch.

 

6. The Muppet Christmas Carol is another retelling of the classic story by Charles Dickens, only with Muppets. And Muppets make everything better. Michael Caine plays a good Ebenezer Scrooge.

 

5. Home Alone made Macaulay Culkin a star, and it made child neglect funny again. It was the original family comedy without the family.

 

4. Scrooged is yet another take on the Dickens classic. Bill Murray plays a Scrooge-like television executive who gets visited by three ghosts so he can learn the true meaning of Christmas. Bill Murray is like bacon, he makes everything better.

 

3. A Charlie Brown Christmas is the best animated Christmas movie. Everybody has seen it, everybody loves it, and everybody knows that Charlie Brown sucks at picking out Christmas trees.

 

2. Die Hard is badass. It’s one of the best action films of all time. It made Bruce Willis a superstar, it introduced us to Alan Rickman, and the world can never be thankful enough. It’s also the only Christmas movie that you can watch every day without being judged.

 

1. A Christmas Story is the best Christmas movie of all time. Was there ever any doubt? It’s the perfect blend of nostalgia, consumerism, and family values. It’s funny, it’s heartwarming, it’s quotable, and it’s a shared experience. It’s not Christmas until you catch it on the 24-hour TBS marathon.

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Ranking the Batman Movies

Batman has graced the big screen multiple times over the years. Some versions are light and campy, some versions are dark and gritty, and some of them are simply disappointing. I’ll attempt to Critically Rate the Batman films, but keep in mind that these are my opinions. You can disagree with me all you want… You’ll be wrong, but you can still disagree with me. Here is my list ranking the Batman movies from worst to best.

#8: Batman & Robin was director Joel Schumacher’s second Batman film, and was the first and only time that George Clooney played the Caped Crusader. This was the film that introduced us to Batgirl and to Batnipples. It was an awful film and effectively killed the franchise until Christopher Nolan rebooted it 8 years later. It suffered from a terrible story and from action scenes that only existed to sell toys. And Arnold Schwarzenegger delivers some of the worst ice-related puns in cinematic history.

#7: Batman was a 1966 movie based on the ‘60s TV show. It’s super campy, but that’s what it was trying to be. Adam West plays Batman, Burt Ward plays Robin, and together they take on the Joker, the Riddler, Penguin, and Catwoman. They also fight an obviously fake shark at one point. This is the one where it says BAM! and POW! and WHAM! every time Batman punches somebody. It’s safe to say that it put comic book movies back a few decades.

#6: Batman Begins marked the successful return of Batman to the big screen after the fiasco that was Batman & Robin. It was a critical and financial success, and it depicted a more realistic Batman. Too bad this movie sucked. Christian Bale is a bad Batman. He plays a decent Bruce Wayne, but he’s a terrible Batman. His stupid fucking Batman voice ruins the movie. The action scenes were chaotic and poorly choreographed. You can’t see what is going on. I paid good money to watch Batman punch people, and it looked like Michael J. Fox was the cameraman. Everything is shaky and out of focus. And they ruined the Batmobile. Christopher Nolan was trying to bring Batman to the real world, but superheroes have no place in the real world.

#5: Batman Forever was a turning point in the franchise. It’s gritty, it’s campy, it’s very ‘90s. Joel Schumacher took over for Tim Burton, Val Kilmer took over for Michael Keaton, and Chris O’Donnell was brought in to play Robin. Tommy Lee Jones and Jim Carrey play Two-Face and the Riddler and they were both horribly miscast. Batman Forever is a step in the wrong direction, but it’s still a guilty pleasure for a lot of Batman fans.

#4: The Dark Knight Rises was the final chapter of Christopher Nolan’s trilogy. It was a satisfying conclusion, but was ultimately a letdown because The Dark Knight was so much better. The movie suffers from a lot of plot holes and poor execution, not to mention a villain with an unintelligible accent. And the nuke at the end would have caused radiation and cancer in Gotham City. So the citizens wouldn’t die instantly, they would die slowly and painfully. Good job, Batman.

#3 Batman Returns was the first Batman sequel. Tim Burton and Michael Keaton were reunited from their smash 1989 film, and it was a very satisfying follow-up. It’s defiantly Tim Burton’s Batman, it has a dark and dreamlike quality. He takes a lot of liberties with the source material, and some people hate the movie because of that. But the film is redeemed because it has the best villain lineup out of all the movies. Danny DeVito is the terrifying and creepy Penguin. Michelle Pfeiffer is the deadly and seductive Catwoman. And Christopher Walken plays the corrupt and powerful Max Shreck.

#2: The Dark Knight would be at the top of most people’s Batman movie list because most people are sheep. It’s a very solid movie, there’s no denying that. Heath Ledger did an amazing job playing the Joker. But everyone else is just kind of so-so. Christian Bale keeps using that stupid fucking voice, Maggie Gyllenhaal replaces Katie Holmes as Rachel Dawson and drags the film down every time she’s on screen, and Aaron Eckhart is mediocre as Harvey Dent/Two-Face. There were some cool action scenes, but this movie was mostly a huge success because Heath Ledger died and people wanted to see the movie that killed him. It’s a really good film, but it’s not as amazing as everyone pretends it is. The opening scene is the highlight of the film, a great IMAX sequence that introduces us to the Joker. But it’s a Batman movie and they don’t even give Batman the IMAX treatment when he first appears on screen. It seems kind of backwards to me, but what do I know?

#1: The best Batman movie to date is Tim Burton’s Batman. This was the first gritty version of Batman to hit the big screen. They took a risk by casting Michael Keaton as Batman, but it paid off and he’s still the best Batman/Bruce Wayne to date. Jack Nicholson is an excellent Joker and is disturbingly maniacal despite his exaggerated performance. It’s kind of dated now (mostly because of Prince’s soundtrack), but it still holds up. If this movie flopped, they wouldn’t have made any more Batman movies. It effectively saved superhero movies, and for that reason alone it deserves the top spot on this list.

So that’s my list. I hope you agree with it. Let me know if you don’t.

Critically Rated at 15/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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