Monthly Archives: June 2013

June 22, 2013 · 9:24 am

God Loves, Man Kills (comic)

The X-Men has always been a metaphor for human rights, equality, and acceptance. Nowhere is that more apparent than in this 1982 graphic novel. In God Loves, Man Kills, a deranged minister leads an anti-mutant campaign, calling for the death of all mutants in the name of God. Stryker is a capable politician and the public seems to support him, and hatred and fear of mutants reaches a fevered peak. To add even more drama to the story, Stryker kidnaps Professor X and manipulates him and Cerebro to attack all the mutants. The X-Men’s main enemy, Magneto, joins them in a shaky alliance against Stryker. If that sounds familiar, it’s because they recycled the basic story for X2: X-Men United. Chris Claremont’s story is still relevant and celebrated more than thirty years later. He touches on themes of racism and persecution. He makes direct references to the holocaust and genocide, and isn’t afraid to use N-word to make a point. Brent Anderson’s art fits the story perfectly.  The panel layout adds a nice sense of pacing. Sometimes it’s very structured, sometimes the art overlaps and flows into another panel. It makes it feel more dynamic and spontaneous. God Loves, Man Kills is more than just a comic, it’s accepted literature.

Critically Rated at 15/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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June 21, 2013 · 10:30 am

My Facial Cyst

So a few months ago I noticed a bump on my cheek that looked like a big zit. I tried to pop it unsuccessfully a few times, I tried different types of pimple cream, and I slowly realized that it wasn’t going away. Plus a lot of people were asking me what was wrong with my face. So I finally caved and did the smart thing and called a dermatologist. I made an appointment, hung out in the waiting room, and then got summoned to his office. He took one look at my cheek and said it was a sebaceous cyst, and that he would remove it for me. I laid back, he put some anesthetic on my face and he popped that fucker. I feel the pressure instantly dissipate as the pus and blood drained from my cheek. That part was oddly satisfying. Then he had to scrape out the cystic sack so that it wouldn’t fill up again. That part sucked. He pushed and squeezed on my face while poking and prodding and cutting away the cystic sack. It was painfully uncomfortable. But the whole procedure only took about fifteen minutes, and it was over fairly quickly. He called in his nurse/assistant lady and told her that it was the largest facial cyst that he’s ever removed. I actually felt kind of proud of that fact… this is a 60-year-old doctor with over thirty years of experience in a major US city, and my facial cyst was a milestone in his career. I’ll be talked about at boring staff Christmas parties thrown at his office for the next several years. He got a story, and I got my face back. Fair trade.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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June 21, 2013 · 10:27 am

Krave Chili Lime Beef Jerky

Krave is a brand of gourmet jerky. They make beef jerky, they make turkey jerky, and they make dried meat in different flavors. Most jerky flavors are the same. You have original, you have a hot & spicy, and you have a teriyaki. Krave’s Chili Lime Beef Jerky is a unique flavor, and that’s what initially caught my eye. I detect a spicy-hot flavor from the chili powder, and it’s offset by the zesty and citric lime flavor. It’s a nice complimentary flavor. You might sweat a little, but it’s the perfect amount of spicy. The jerky itself is thick cut, moist and tender. It’s the kind of jerky that you want to share so that other people can experience it, but it’s so good that you want to keep it all for yourself. Krave makes gourmet jerky, and jerky is the new microbrew. It’s going to blow up. There will be more brands, more flavors, and a huge market for jerky products. You can eat it in the car, on the trail, as a snack, or as a survival food. I will repost this article in five years, and you will see that I’m right in all my jerky predictions.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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June 20, 2013 · 10:20 am

Table vs Bar Top

It’s beer thirty and it’s time to start drinking. You walk into the bar and are instantly faced with a decision. You can sit at the bar top or you can grab a table. I prefer getting a table. You can actually make eye contact with other people and have a normal conversation with your friends. It’s more casual and relaxed. The biggest problem with sitting at a table is that ordering another drink becomes a hassle. Everybody gets lazy and settled in, and if you finally cave and stand up to get another drink, everybody else is waving cash at you and asking that you also order them a beer while you’re up.

Sitting at the bar top is convenient, but it’s also kind of depressing. You are instantly limited in who you can talk to; it’s either the person the right or left of you and the bartender. The bartender might make small talk with you, but he or she doesn’t give a shit about you. They might crack a joke or share an anecdote, but they are just trying to get a tip out of you. You’re basically paying them to pretend to be your friend. Sitting at the bar top shows that you mean business. You are there to drink. Sitting at a table shows that you are there to socialize. You are there to have a drink with your friends. It doesn’t matter which one you prefer, as long as you have a drink in your hand.

Critically Rated at 12/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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June 20, 2013 · 10:17 am

Calypso Ocean Blue Lemonade

Everyone’s had lemonade or pink lemonade at some point in their life. But not everyone has had blue lemonade. Not to brag or anything, but I have. More specifically, I had an Ocean Blue Lemonade from Calypso. I don’t know much about Calypso as a brand, but the label was kind enough to invite to me to enjoy the Taste of the Islands even though they are based out of Milwaukee. The Ocean Blue Lemonade is made from real sugar and it also contains real lemon bits. But it’s only 6% juice and it’s fucking blue, so it can’t be healthy for you. It will also turn your tongue blue, so you shouldn’t drink it if you want to be taken seriously. If you like lemonade, but wish it was more extreme, this is the drink for you.

Critically Rated at 13/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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June 19, 2013 · 10:12 am

Man of Steel

You know what everyone loves? Comic book movies and reboots. And Man of Steel is both. Henry Cavill stars as Kal-El/Clark Kent/Superman/the Man of Steel in Zack Snyder’s latest comic book adaption. The movie begins fittingly on Krypton during its final days. Jor-El (Russell Crowe) decides the best way to preserve the Kryptonian race is to send his infant son to Earth. That pisses off General Zod (Michael Shannon) and he vows to track down Kal-El, thus setting the plot in motion. The movie jumps ahead a few years, and you see a dejected Clark Kent trying to find his place in the world. He moves around, he uses false names, he is running from something, but he doesn’t know what. All that changes when he comes across a spaceship, meets the electronic ghost of his alien father, learns his true name and history, and gets a spiffy new spandex suit complete with cape. He spends a few glorious minutes teaching himself how to fly, and then General Zod arrives with his Kryptonian henchmen, eager for some space vengeance. Zod demands that the people of Earth must hand over Superman, but he’s got ulterior motives involving terraforming the Earth into a new Krypton. And Supes isn’t having any of that.

There have been a lot of mixed reviews about this movie. I don’t know why. It’s pretty solid. The action scenes are cool, and some of the dialog/exposition scenes are cheesy, but it’s a summer blockbuster and that’s how it’s supposed to be. It’s smarter than most comic book flicks. The movie is non-linear and a lot of important moments are revealed in flashbacks. It’s important to note that aside from the opening scene, Clark has no direct contact with his two father figures. He only experiences Jor-El through the holographic representation of his consciousness, and you only know Jonathan Kent (Kevin Costner) through flashbacks. There are a few notable changes from the comics. For starters, Lois knows that Clark Kent is Superman pretty quickly. That kind of changes their whole relationship (traditionally she worships Superman and ignores Clark). For some unnecessary reason, Perry White is black and Jimmy Olsen had a sex change and became Jenny Olsen. Neither change has any effect on the plot whatsoever.

Superman is a Christian allegory and this movie really rubs it in your face. You only know Jesus as a baby, then briefly as a young adolescent, and then when he finally returns as a savior at the ripe old age of 33. That’s how you experience the Man of Steel in this movie. As a baby, as a tween, and again as an adult who mentions that he’s 33 a few times throughout the movie. He even does the obligatory crucifixion pose.

This isn’t your Richard Donner/Christopher Reeve Superman… this is Zack Snyder and Christopher Nolan’s version of Superman. It’s noticeably darker, more intense, and more gritty. It strives to be more realistic than fantastic and it succeeds for the most part. But Superman isn’t supposed to be gritty. He’s supposed to be about hope and he’s supposed to inspire you. That’s where this film falls short. It’s not as fun and not as thrilling as what you’d want from a Superman movie. There isn’t as much of a sense of wonder. There are no reaction shots of citizens craning their necks to the sky as Superman does something spectacular.

There are two major fight scenes that deserve to be discussed. The first takes place in Kansas, and Superman takes on two of Zod’s soldiers while simultaneously being attacked by the US Army. I think this is the best sequence of the film. The fight choreography is intense and explosive, and it’s set amidst a backdrop of Americana. A small town is suddenly host to an intergalactic battle, and the local 7-Eleven, IHOP, and Sears are all demolished in the process. The climactic fight between Superman and Zod takes place in Metropolis and the city gets leveled in the process. Building after building gets destroyed, and after a while you stop caring. It gets boring. The two invincible foes exchange punch after punch, blow after blow, fly around smashing into buildings and landmarks, and are stuck in a complete stalemate (until someone gets the upper hand and wins. Spoiler: Superman wins).

Man of Steel is not a perfect movie. But you can say that about any movie. I will be bold and say that this is the best Superman movie to date. It has great action sequences, great characters, great actors, and a serviceable plot. If you see one movie this summer, you should see the movie I made with your mom last night. If you see two movies this summer, Man of Steel should be the second.

Critically Rated at 15/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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June 19, 2013 · 10:06 am

Graham Cracker

Graham crackers were invented by a minister named Sylvester Graham. They were a fixture of a diet partially designed to curb masturbation. Seriously. You can’t make that shit up. He thought that eating bland food would suppress your carnal urges. A graham cracker is a lightly sweetened type of cracker that tastes almost like a cookie, except it’s slightly healthier for you. Graham crackers are a staple of children’s lunches and day care snack times around the world. They are a crucial part of your childhood. Your affection for graham crackers starts to wane once you hit puberty. Can you even remember the last time you had just a graham cracker and nothing else? S’mores don’t count. You haven’t had a graham cracker by itself since middle school, admit it.

Critically Rated at 11/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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June 18, 2013 · 8:23 am

Using a Shirt as a Seat Cover

Some people are fond of using an old T-shirt as a seat cover in their car. Some people need to stop doing that. The only thing that you should use as a seat cover is an actual seat cover. A T-shirt seat cover freaks me out. I always notice it out of the corner of my eye, and I think that there’s somebody just sitting in the car watching me and waiting for the perfect moment to strike. There’s no reason to use a shirt as a seat cover. You might think that you’re being artsy and resourceful, everyone else thinks that you’re tacky and cheap. And they are right. It’s a great way to bring down the retail value of a car. Imagine a brand new red Ferrari, straight off the lot. Now imagine that same Ferrari, but with a ratty old shirt as a seat cover. It goes from being an awesome car to a being a joke. It’s social suicide and it needs to stop. Make sure everyone gets the memo.

Critically Rated at 5/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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June 18, 2013 · 8:21 am

Glare in Your Eyes

It’s still relatively early in the morning and you have some down time, so you bust out your tablet or smart phone. You want to catch up on the news, but the sun has other ideas, and it decides to reflect off your screen and leave a glare in your eyes. You’ll try blocking the sunlight with your free hand, you’ll trying moving around, but you can’t do anything to escape the solar rays. The anti-glare screen protector doesn’t seem to be doing its job, based on the fact that you’re slowly going blind. You’ll struggle your way past the glare, because anything is better than putting your electronic device away and acknowledging that the people around you actually exist.

Critically Rated at 6/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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June 17, 2013 · 10:00 am

Mirror Maze

A mirror maze is a common attraction at fairs and amusement parks. It’s a maze in which the walls are lined with mirrors, making it much harder to find your way out. It’s really easy to get disorientated. You can cheat and look at the ground, but that’s not fun. You want to get lost. You want to get confused. That’s why you went in. What you think is a straight hallway is really a dead end. You’ll think that you can go left, but end up smacking face first into a mirror. You’ll see your friend walking towards you and suddenly there’s three of him and you’re not sure which one is real and which ones are reflections. You would lose your mind if you weren’t so busy laughing. It’s fun, but I wouldn’t spend more than a few bucks to do it.

Critically Rated at 12/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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June 17, 2013 · 9:58 am

X-Men: The Dark Phoenix Saga

Writer Chris Claremont and illustrator John Byrne are the creative team behind one of the most important and influential comic storylines in Marvel’s history. The plot centers on Jean Grey’s transformation into the Dark Phoenix, a being of god-like power with the potential to destroy the universe. Jean Grey’s true power starts to emerge and it’s too much for her to handle. Cyclops agonizes as the woman that he loves becomes a threat to the entire universe, and he must lead the X-Men in a fight to defeat one of their own. The basic storyline was ripped off and butchered in X-Men: The Last Stand. The comic is obviously better and also involves the corrupt and evil Hellfire Club, as well as a cosmic battle between the X-Men and the Shi’ar Imperial Guard over the fate of Jean Grey/the entire universe. Not only is it considered a classic; it also introduced readers to the Dazzler and a young Kitty Pride. There are a lot of X-Men comics out there; this is a good one to start with.

Critically Rated at 15/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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June 16, 2013 · 8:08 am

Father’s Day (day, not the shitty movie)

Today is Father’s Day, a day in which you honor your father by giving him a necktie that he will never wear. Most families have their own Father’s Day traditions, like eating at a moderately priced restaurant, going to the movies, fishing or hunting, or simply going for a drive. It’s just a day to let your pops know that you’re glad he put his penis in your mom and ejaculated all those years ago. You can also thank him for raising you, supporting you financially, and for putting up with all the bullshit things you did growing up. Father’s Day can also be a sore subject for some people. Some people can’t celebrate it, some people don’t want to. But if you have a chance (or even the slightest inkling), you should call your dad and have a chat.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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June 16, 2013 · 8:06 am

Singing the Wrong Part

You’re driving down the street and your favorite song comes on. You crank up the volume and start singing along and bobbing your head to the beat. You’re anticipating your favorite part coming up, and as it comes you belt it out with conviction and gusto. And then you realize that you’re singing the wrong part and it’s pretty obvious to anyone listening to you. And you feel like a fool. Maybe you don’t know the song as well as you thought. Singing the wrong part isn’t a big deal, but it’s the universe’s way of telling you to shut the fuck up and keep quiet. You shouldn’t sing the song if you don’t know the song. And your voice sucks too, so there’s another reason to be quiet.

Critically Rated at 8/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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June 15, 2013 · 9:03 am

Harry Potter Movies Ranked in Descending Order

Harry Potter is one of the most successful book franchises of all time, so it was pretty much a given that Hollywood would turn them into movies, and that’s what Warner Bros. did. I’ve watched them (multiple times), and now I’ve ranked them in descending order.

#8: Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince. The sixth book became the worst movie for a variety of reasons, but the biggest problem is that it’s boring as fuck. The book was mostly exposition and setup for the final installment, and nothing that exciting happens. And as a result, nothing that exciting happens in the movie.  It loses all the momentum that the series was building up. You go from Goblet of Fire to Order of the Phoenix and suddenly everything slows down. It’s huge step backwards.

            #7: Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 1. The final book was split into a two-part movie because there would be no satisfactory way to wrap up the series in a 2-hour movie. And because they would make a shitload more money. You don’t really need to see this movie; it’s mostly just Harry, Hermione, and Ron hiding in the woods for the duration of the running time. You might like it if you’re a fan of wizard camping. It’s slightly less boring than Half-Blood Prince, which is why it’s slightly higher up on the list. But not by much. I actually own all the Harry Potter movies, except for this one. It’s not essential viewing.

#6: Harry Potter and Sorcerer’s/Philosopher’s Stone. The first Harry Potter movie deserves a lot of credit for introducing the Boy Who Lived to the big screen. But it’s too much of a kid’s movie. It’s too light, too family friendly, and it has the worst acting and special effects in the whole series. Some parts are truly painful to watch.

#5: Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets. This is one of the most loyal adaptations in the series, and it’s almost a direct translation of the book. The special effects and acting have only slightly approved over the first movie, and it’s still a children’s movie. The basilisk scene is one of the highlights of the first two movies, but I really hate the flying car scene (especially when Harry falls out of the car for no fucking reason other than to add unnecessary tension).

            #4: Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire. There was a lot of internal debate from the studio about breaking up Goblet of Fire into two movies because the book was so long. They decided not to, and the movie suffers as a result. It’s too incomplete and leaves too much stuff out. It’s really annoying when they go to the Quidditch World Cup but they don’t show any fucking Quidditch. Or omitting most of the cool shit that happens during the final task in the maze. And they eliminate the mystery by practically telling you that Mad-Eye Moody is really Barty Crouch, Jr. The biggest redeeming qualities of this flick are the scenes with the Hungarian Horntail and the graveyard return of Voldemort.

#3. Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 2. This is the epic conclusion to the HP saga and they do it right. Everything comes down to this, and the bulk of the film happens during one long day. The special effects, the acting, the action sequences are all amazing. It’s a roller coaster ride, and you don’t want it to end and then it does, and then you realize you have nothing else to look forward to. There are no more books to read, no more movies to watch, and a part of your life is over when the movie is over.

#2: Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix. This was the longest book and it became one of the shortest movies in the series. They leave a lot out. But they capture the tone and feel of the book. Whenever they leave something out, they still allude to it. The movie flows and it works. Gary Oldman doesn’t get much screen time as Sirius Black, but makes his presence known with a few key scenes and subtle dialog with Harry. The battle at the Ministry of Magic was everything you hoped it would be. And the epic fight between Dumbledore and Voldemort is one of the best moments of the entire series. I will put on the movie just to watch that part.

            #1: Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban. This was the movie that inspired me to finally read the books. It’s not perfect, but I still think it’s better than its bookly counterpart. I don’t like the whole time travelling subplot, but the film handles it better than the book. And it’s not the movie’s fault that the book had a stupid time travelling shtick. Alfonso Cuarón is responsible for the best movie in the franchise. He successfully turned a kid’s book into an art house blockbuster. He was able to take Chris Columbus’ foundation and J.K. Rowling’s book and delivered a faithful translation to the source material, but he still able to make it his own. You can enjoy the film even if you aren’t a Potter fan.

Critically Rated at 15/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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June 15, 2013 · 8:59 am

Trying to Sleep When You Know You Can’t

Tomorrow is a big day. Maybe you have an important presentation at work, maybe you’re meeting up with an old friend, maybe you have to get up early for a flight, and so you decide that you’ll be responsible and go to bed early. You get into bed, close your eyes, and wait to drift off to sleep. But sleep’s not coming. You start tossing and turning, your mind starts racing, and you glance at the time and realize it’s been two and half hours and your brain’s still not shutting down. You try counting sheep, but give up once you hit a thousand. As the night slips away, you get more and more anxious. You start to panic, you start to get mad at yourself for not being able to sleep, you start dreading about how tired you’re going to be the next day. Trying to sleep when you know you can’t is a frustrating exercise in futility. Don’t try to force yourself to sleep because you will go crazy. Sleep is like a sexy lady: the more desperate you are to get it, the more she plays hard to get. It’s only when you give up and play it cool that she creeps up on you and you get some… I wish sexy ladies were more like sleep.

Critically Rated at 10/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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June 14, 2013 · 10:19 am

Vsauce

Vsauce is a YouTube channel that produces short and entertaining educational videos on a variety of topics. There’s a sense of community on Vsauce. The host and creator, Michael Stevens, opens each video with his traditional greeting, “Hey Vsauce, Michael here…” before he dives into whichever question inspired the video. Most of the videos are in direct response to a subscriber’s question, and people ask some pretty awesome questions like “What if the Sun disappeared?” and “Why do we play games?” Vsauce is one of those channels that you can’t escape from. You’ll watch a video that somebody shared on Facebook, and then get linked to another interesting one, and then another topic will grab your attention, and before you realize that it’s 3:00 in the morning and you have to go to bed. But you don’t want to, so you watch one more video. It’s addicting. Trust me. I watched three Vsauce videos while writing this. So check them out, it’s a great way to kill time and expand your mind.

Critically Rated at 15/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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June 14, 2013 · 10:16 am

A Blank Page

A blank page is opportunity. It’s a new chance, a clean slate, a new beginning. You can use the space however you want, and create what ever you want. You can draw, you can write, you can make a paper airplane. A blank page is potential. A blank page can change the world. The Declaration of Independence was once a mere piece of parchment.  The founding fathers could have just have easily used that blank page to wipe their asses. A blank page can be used for anything. For example, I had no idea what I would initially write about when I first opened a blank page, and I ended up writing about a blank page. And as I started writing, it stopped being a blank page. Each letter, each sentence becomes an intrepid explorer, venturing further and further into the unknown. Who knew where we would end up? On second thought, maybe I should have used this blank page to wipe my ass. It’s pretty shitty already.

Critically Rated at 11/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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