criticallyrated | Critically rated rants and reviews | Page 32

December 10, 2014 · 1:14 pm

Janet Jackson

Janet Jackson is an American singer/songwriter and actress. She’s had a successful career but she will always be most famous for being Michael Jackson’s sister. She’s had quite a few hits and a lot of success, but she will forever be overshadowed by the King of Pop. She’s sold over 140 million albums, he’s sold over 400 million. Michael died in 2009, her career died long before that. Sorry, but it’s true. The last time Janet Jackson was really worth talking about was the infamous wardrobe malfunction during Super Bowl XXXVIII. That was over ten years ago. I’ll admit that Janet had a successful career but she was way too dependent on her sexuality to sell records. It’s kind of creepy because she looks like Michael Jackson but with cleavage. Nobody ever wanted to see Michael Jackson with cleavage. That’s Nasty (see what I did there?).

Critically Rated at 8/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Tagged as Janet Jackson, michael jackson, michael jackson's sister

December 10, 2014 · 1:11 pm

Misbuttoning Your Shirt

You have a job interview or a date or an important business meeting to go to and you want to look your best. You put on a fancy collared shirt in an attempt to make a good impression. But you made a mistake in buttoning up and your shirt is not aligned correctly. You tried to look nice but you failed. You look like a slob. You look like an incompetent boob that’s incapable of buttoning up your own shirt. And you have to admit that it’s a little bit true. Misbuttoning your shirt is a mistake that we all make at some point or another. It’s the fashion equivalent of having shit in your teeth all day. Hopefully you realize it before you leave the house, but chances are you won’t have any idea until somebody else points it out to you in a condescending manner.

Critically Rated at 7/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Tagged as button, buttoned, buttoning, misbutton, misbuttoning your shirt, shirt

December 9, 2014 · 2:14 pm

Weather Report

If I’ve learned one thing in life, it’s that you should always take the weather report with a grain of salt. You simply can’t predict the weather. The top meteorologists are wrong half the time. They always say that there will be a big storm on Wednesday, and that you should buy bottled water and cans of food and invest in umbrellas. Then Wednesday rolls around and it’s eighty-five degrees out and you kick yourself for not going to the beach. I will only trust the weather report a few hours in advance. Most of the time I just look out the window. If it looks shitty out, I’ll grab a hoodie. It if looks really shitty out, that’s when I’ll check the weather report online to see if I should bring an umbrella. I don’t need the umbrella more times than not. The weather report is simply a guess, an educated estimate, but nature does whatever it wants to do.

Critically Rated at 10/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Tagged as estimate, guess, meteorologist, meteorologists, weather, weather report

December 9, 2014 · 2:13 pm

Knuckleball! (documentary)

Knuckleball! is a 2012 documentary about the notoriously tricky baseball pitch. The film focuses on Tim Wakefield and R.A. Dickey, the last two knuckleballers, during the 2011 baseball season. The two pitchers talk about how the knuckleball started as a gimmick, but how learning to throw it brought them out of obscurity and gave them longevity. They point out that it’s hard to hit because the movement is so unpredictable. But they are also quick to point out that the unpredictable movement is hard to control. Passed balls, beaned batters, and monster homeruns are just some of the unfortunate side effects.

The documentary was directed by Ricki Stern and Anne Sundberg and runs about 93 minutes long. That’s about 33 minutes longer than it needs to be. The film doesn’t need to drag on for that long. Just show the pitch, show what it means to the pitchers, and show how the knuckleball affects catchers, hitters, and managers. That’s all they needed to do. We don’t need that much backstory on R.A. Dickey’s journey to the Majors. That has very little to do with the baseball’s movement. The film is called Knuckleball!, not Dickey!

The film is available on Netflix and that’s where I watched it. You should watch it too if you like baseball and/or documentaries. It’s not as good as the ESPN 30 for 30 documentaries, but it will give you some insight to an underrated pitch. It’s not always reliable, yet you can build a career out of it with some determination.

Critically Rated at 12/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Tagged as Anne Sundberg, baseball, Knuckleball!, pitch, pitcher, R.A. Dickey, Ricki Stern, Tim Wakefield

December 8, 2014 · 10:08 pm

Bumping Into a Friend

Bumping into a friend unexpectedly is always a good thing. It’s the universe’s way of keeping people in touch. Earlier tonight I jumped on the train and saw a familiar face. It was a friend that I hadn’t seen since summertime. I sat down next to him and we chatted, caught up with each other, and made plans to hang out soon. It was a good train ride. I actually had a face-to-face conversation with somebody instead of staying buried in my phone for the entire trip. Do you know how rare it is to have an actual interaction with another person in this day and age? Take advantage of bumping into a friend. Don’t run away. Don’t cross the street. Say hello and have a conversation. Then you can run away and cross the street.

Critically Rated at 15/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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December 8, 2014 · 2:13 pm

World War Z (film)

World War Z is a 2013 zombie flick based on the book written by Max Brooks. Marc Forster (Monster’s Ball, Quantum of Solace) directs and Brad Pitt stars as Gerry Lane, a former UN investigator who is called back into action to stop a zombie outbreak. These aren’t slow-moving Romero or Walking Dead zombies. These are 28 Days Later and 2003’s Dawn of the Dead zombies. They are fast and vicious, which leads to explosive action scenes. One zombie in the midst of a crowded area causes complete chaos. It’s almost impossible to escape. But Gerry Lane always finds a way to survive because he’s smart, calm under pressure, and he’s played by Brad Pitt and they need him for the sequel.

The basic plot is simple. There is a zombie pandemic and Gerry Lane must find the source in order to find a cure. He goes all over the world, from Philadelphia to Newark to South Korea to Jerusalem to Cardiff. It’s pretty easy to travel the world during the zombie apocalypse if you have UN connections apparently. He doesn’t find a cure but he finds a temporary solution, and the movie ends with a glimmer of hope for survivors around the globe.

World War Z made $540,007,876 at the box office, making it the highest-grossing zombie movie of all time. The filmmakers cited The Bourne Identity as an influence and you can see glimmers of it. The violence is gritty and realistic for the most part, despite using a lot of CG zombies that appear cartoonish at times. I never read the book so I can’t compare the two, but I enjoyed the movie. It was entertaining, had some good political points, and a lot of solid action scenes that keep you engaged. It’s a satisfying zombie movie, but it doesn’t bring anything original to the genre. You get infected if you get bit (unless you perform a quick amputation), the zombies die if you shoot them in the head, there are ways to make yourself invisible to the zombies, and the living are just as dangerous as the dead. Been there, done that.

Critically Rated at 13/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Tagged as brad pitt, Gerry Lane, Marc Forster, Max Brooks, World War Z, zombie, zombies

December 7, 2014 · 5:28 pm

When the Sun Comes Out On a Cloudy Day

I ran out of beer earlier today so I decided to skate down to the corner store to pick up some suds. It was cloudy outside and it was gray and gloomy on my skate to the store. I picked up a six-pack of Lagunitas and the universe must have like my decision because the sun broke out from behind the clouds on the way back. The world was suddenly filled with a warm glow. It was a flash of summer in the middle of winter. The sun’s rays instantly rejuvenated me, I felt like I got Vitamin D injected straight into my veins. You see things in a new light when the sun comes out on a cloudy day. That’s not just a pun, it’s profound.

Critically Rated at 16/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Tagged as clouds, cloudy, gloomy, gray, sun, sunshine, when the sun comes out on a cloudy day

December 7, 2014 · 5:25 pm

Rockstar Super Sours Green Apple Energy Drink

Rockstar Super Sours Green Apple Energy Drink is an energy drink that tastes like sour green apples. It’s only slightly sour, not super sour like it says in its name. That’s okay though, you don’t want your energy drink to taste super sour. I can’t decide if I like it or not. It tastes like somebody dropped a Warhead candy into a can of Rockstar. If that sounds good then you would probably like this. If it doesn’t then you should probably avoid this. It contains no juice, has 66 grams of sugar per 16-oz can, and includes delicious ingredients like pantothenic acid, niacinamide, inositol, pryidoxine, hydrochloride, and cyanocobalamin. Energy drinks are scary if you read the label. I’m not going to do that anymore.

Critically Rated at 9/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Tagged as energy drink, green apple, rockstar, super sours

December 5, 2014 · 9:33 pm

When Everybody Is Sick On Public Transportation

I can tell that it’s going to be a long winter when everybody is sick on public transportation. I live in San Francisco and it’s been raining and cold the last couple of days. That means whenever I get on the bus or train I hear a symphony of coughs, sniffles, and sneezes. There’s no such thing as silence, only sounds of sickness. There’s no escape from the germs and bacteria all around you. You know that it’s just a matter of time before you catch something and get sick too. Hopefully it’s just a cold and not Ebola. Or Swine Flu. Or SARS. Are we still scared of SARS? It’s hard to avoid getting sick when everybody else is, especially on public transportation. All you can do is use hand sanitizer every couple of minutes and try not to get sneezed on.

Critically Rated at 4/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Tagged as bus, cough, public transportation, sick, sneeze, sniffle, train, when everybody is sick on public transportation

December 5, 2014 · 9:32 pm

Linsanity (documentary)

Linsanity is a 2013 documentary about NBA player Jeremy Lin and his rise to international stardom. Director Evan Jackson Leong and narrator Daniel Dae Kim tell the story one of the most famous athletes in the world, a spectacular feat considering he’s not that great of a player and barely managed to eke his way into the NBA. Everybody loves inspirational sports stories like Rudy, but Lin’s journey was way more impressive. Lin was one of the best high school players in California, but he was hardly recruited by any colleges because he didn’t fit the mold. By not fitting the mold, I mean that nobody wanted him because he’s Asian. He didn’t get any athletic scholarships and ended up going to Harvard because he would have a place on the team. He went undrafted after college, but eventually signed with the Golden State Warriors. He didn’t get much playing time and they waived him at the end of the season. The Houston Rockets picked him up and they waived him too. He managed to get a gig with the New York Knicks but he still wasn’t getting a chance to play.

The Knicks were in a bit of a slump and they decided to mix things up a bit by giving Lin some playing time. He took advantage and had twenty-five points, seven assists, and five rebounds in thirty-six minutes. That was enough to grant him a start the next game and he dominated again. Then he dominated the game after that. And the game after that. All in all, he had a nine game stretch where he averaged twenty-five points and nine assists in thirty-nine minutes per game. He became a superstar virtually overnight. Something special was happening and everyone wanted to be a part of it. It could only be described as Linsanity.

Linsanity takes you back to Jeremy’s childhood, how he inherited his love for the game from his father, the bond he shares with his brothers, and his dislike for playing piano. They stress his values in life are religion, family, and basketball (in that order). The filmmakers also show you Lin’s impact on the Asian community. He became a role model, albeit somewhat reluctantly. Jeremy Lin is not a great basketball player, but he is capable of great things. He inspired the world for fifteen days in February of 2012 and etched himself into our collective memory. Relive Linsanity with Linsanity. I watched it on Netflix. You should too.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Tagged as basketball, Jeremy Lin, Linsanity, NBA, New York Knicks

December 4, 2014 · 8:17 pm

Survive and Advance (documentary)

Survive and Advance is a documentary that was released as part of ESPN’s 30 for 30 series. I can’t get enough of the 30 for 30 documentaries. There are so many great stories in sports, and it seems like ESPN is out to cover them all. This documentary is about the 1983 NC State Wolfpack winning nine elimination games in a row on their way to capturing the national championship in a spectacular upset. Derek Whittenberg threw up a shot in the closing seconds out of pure desperation. The ball was a little bit offline, but Lorenzo Charles was there to snatch the ball out of the air and slam it through the net with a second left on the clock. It was a great play to end the game, and it was further immortalized when coach Jim Valvano ran out onto the court in celebration and couldn’t find anybody to hug. Even non-sports fans can appreciate an underdog story, and it doesn’t get much more underdog than this.

Director Jonathan Hock does a marvelous job introducing up to the NC State Wolfpack players and their charismatic coach. Jim Valvano seemed more like an entertainer than a coach, but he had the skills and vision to lead the Wolfpack to an unlikely victory. And then another one. And another one. And even more after that. The Wolfpack survived nine elimination games, seven of which they were losing with a minute left to play. They were able to beat the top ranked college teams, defeating legendary players like Michael Jordan, Sam Perkins, Clyde Drexler, and Akeem Olajuwon. Check it out if you can. It’s inspirational, motivational, and well worth watching.

Critically Rated at 13/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Tagged as 1983 NC State Wolfpack, 30 for 30, college basketball, documentary, espn, Jim Valvano, Survive and Advance

December 3, 2014 · 9:25 pm

There’s Always a Peanut

So I was just pooping (that’s something that I do at least once a day, maybe twice or more) and it dawned on me that no matter what I eat there’s always a peanut in my shit. Granted, I don’t study my stool on a regular basis, but I always notice a peanut when I glance at my bowel movement. Maybe it’s not a peanut, maybe it just looks like one, but I’m not going to go to great lengths to determine if it’s really a peanut or not. I’ll just assume that it’s a peanut so that I can joke about how there’s always a peanut.

Critically Rated at 13/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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December 3, 2014 · 8:59 pm

Star Trek Into Darkness

Star Trek Into Darkness is a 2012 sci-fi film, and the twelfth cinematic installment of the Star Trek series. It’s a sequel to 2009’s Star Trek reboot and it’s once again directed by J.J. Abrams (so get ready for lens flares!). Chris Pine, Zachary Quinto, Zoe Saldana, Simon Pegg, Karl Urban, and John Cho all reprise their roles, and Benedict Cumberbatch, Alice Eve, and Peter Weller join the cast. The film made $467,381,584 at the international box office, which is good enough to make it the highest grossing Star Trek film. Avatar made $2,787,965,087. Basic math tells us that Avatar is 5.965% better than Star Trek Into Darkness.

The basic plot of Star Trek Into Darkness involves Captain Kirk and Commander Spock matching wits with Kahn, a genetically engineered superhuman. If that sounds familiar, it’s because it’s the basic plot of Star Trek II: The Wrath of Kahn. It’s more of a rehash/remix than a virtual retelling, but it pays homage to the Star Trek movies/episodes that came before it. There’s even a reference to tribbles.

I enjoyed this movie until someone pointed out that it’s not advancing the plot from 2009’s Star Trek. The entire crew was fully assembled and ready to go on adventures by the end of that movie. J.J. Abrams didn’t know how to proceed, so he chose to dismantle the crew at the beginning of the sequel so that they could reassemble by the end of the flick. It’s almost the same movie, only with new characters and a different villain with a different motive. It’s still entertaining; it’s just not moving the franchise forward. Oh well, I’m more of a Star Wars fan than a Trekkie anyway. Bring on Episode VII!

Critically Rated at 12/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Tagged as Alice Eve, Benedict Cumberbatch, Captain Kirk, Chris Pine, J.J. Abrams, john cho, Kahn, Karl Urban, Peter Weller, Simon Pegg, spock, star trek, Star Trek Into Darkness, trekkies, zachary quinto, zoe saldana

December 2, 2014 · 4:31 pm

Blackfish

Blackfish is 2013 documentary about the dangers of keeping orcas in captivity. The film focuses on a male killer whale named Tilikum, and how he was whalenapped from his pod and forced into a tank with other killer whales that constantly asserted their dominance over him at night, while being forced to perform tricks in front of thousands of screaming fans during the day. Tilikum’s biggest claim to fame is the fact that he’s responsible for the deaths of three people.

This documentary was seen as a devastating expose on aquatic amusement parks. SeaWorld suffered from a lot of bad publicity and a huge loss of profits from people boycotting their parks. You can’t watch this film and not be affected by it. The filmmakers might have skewed some facts, but you can’t deny that SeaWorld relies on animal slavery as a business model. It was only a matter of time before the world finally realized it.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Tagged as Blackfish, killer whale, orca, SeaWorld, Tilikum

December 2, 2014 · 3:57 pm

Ordering a Pizza From Domino’s Online

It’s a rainy day and I’m feeling lazy so I felt like ordering a pizza. I wanted something cheap and fast, so I chose Domino’s. I haven’t had their pizza in a while and I felt like they deserved another shot. I went to their website and saw that they’ve elaborated their online ordering. It makes it really easy to build and customize your pizza. There’s a virtual picture of your pizza that displays your toppings so you can see what the pizza will actually look like. You can see if pepperoni and bacon looks better than sausage and mushrooms. As soon as you place the order, you can follow the action with the Domino’s Tracker. It tells you when the order was placed, when they started prepping it (Antonio started making my order at 3:39 pm), when they started baking it (Antonio put it in the oven at 3:49 pm), when they perform the quality check, and when they start to deliver it. Right now it’s only 3:53 pm so I don’t know if the pizza tastes good or not, but I’m pretty impressed with ordering a pizza from Domino’s online. I will definitely do this again.

Critically Rated at 15/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Tagged as delivery, domino's, domino's tracker, ordering a pizza from domino's online, pizza

December 1, 2014 · 2:22 pm

Django Unchained

Django Unchained is a 2012 Tarantino flick. It fact, it’s Quentin Tarantino’s highest grossing film to date. It’s not his best film, but it’s worth watching (all his films are). It’s about a slave named Django who teams up with a bounty hunter. They go around killing bad guys and collecting bounties while searching for Django’s wife in an effort to free her. It’s an interesting story but it’s not as structured as Tarantino’s other films. It’s more rambling and loose, and it feels almost as if he was trying to stretch out the running time. Granted it’s Tarantino, so it’s never boring. There’s always tremendous dialog, beautiful visuals, an epic soundtrack, and glorious violence. It’s a great movie. It’s just not quite a masterpiece.

Jamie Foxx plays Django and he’s good and all, but Christoph Waltz carries the movie as Dr. King Schultz. Schultz is arguably the main character. He’s the one that sets the story in motion. He frees Django, he teaches him how to become a bounty hunter, and he helps him find his wife. This movie has tremendous actors in it. Jamie Foxx, Leonardo DiCaprio, Samuel L. Jackson, Kerry Washington, etc. all had solid performances, but the movie wouldn’t have worked without Christoph Waltz. He won the Oscar and Golden Globe for Best Supporting Actor, and it was well deserved.

You can’t claim to be a movie lover if you don’t watch Tarantino movies. You don’t have to like them, but you have to experience them. Tarantino watches films, studies them, analyzes them, and incorporates certain aspects of great films into his films. He pays homage to classic cinema while simultaneously pushing the boundaries forward. Yeah, he overuses the N-word and has a foot fetish. He’s still a true artist and you can’t deny his impact on cinema and pop culture.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Tagged as christoph waltz, Django, Django Unchained, Dr. King Schultz, Jaime Foxx, Kerry Washington, leonardo dicaprio, quentin tarantino, samuel l. jackson