December 22, 2014 · 5:28 pm

Not Returning the Shopping Cart

I had to finish buying Christmas presents the other day so I went to the local big box retailer. It was a Sunday and there were tons of holiday shoppers everywhere. It was a battle to make my way through the aisles trying to find perfect gifts and good deals. I managed to find enough shit to fill up my cart, and then I had to fight my way through the maze of cashiers. I settled on the line with the slowest cashier because I have no luck when it comes to checking out. Suffice to say that I was pretty annoyed at the world by the time I finally left the confines of the store and emerged into the parking lot. I walked to the car, filled up the trunk, and returned the shopping cart to the designated shopping cart area (you know, that place where you return the carts so that they aren’t scattered all around everywhere and cars don’t hit them). I always return the shopping cart to the designated shopping cart area. My mom raised me to be respectful and to do the right thing. I even took a couple of other people’s shopping carts back as well. Apparently they were too busy to do it themselves because the world revolves around them. I have no respect for those who practice not returning the shopping cart. They should have their shopping privileges rescinded. Don’t use shopping carts if you can’t handle the responsibility. That means putting them back.

Critically Rated at 4/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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December 22, 2014 · 5:26 pm

Playback – Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers

Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers is an American band that’s been active since 1976. Tom Petty is the leader, founder, and genius behind one of the greatest bands of all time. Playback is a box set that proves how versatile and influential his music is. It’s the one album that any Tom Petty fan really needs. It’s a six-disc compilation. The first three discs are like an expanded greatest hits collection, featuring practically everything from “Breakdown” to “Mary Jane’s Last Dance.” The final three discs include alternate versions, B-sides, previously unreleased songs, demos, and early songs from Petty’s first band Mudcrutch.

It’s a very thorough box set that makes you appreciate Tom Petty more than you ever would have thought possible. Some of the tracks that he cut from other albums appear in this compilation for the first time. Some of those songs are simply incredible and deserve to be released as singles. “Trailer” is one of my favorite Petty songs of all time. It probably would be one of yours too if you ever heard it. It’s got that kind of rambling, jangling rock and roll sound to it. “Up In Mississippi Tonight” is an early track that deservers more attention as well. A couple of song showcase Petty’s dry wit like “Heartbreaker’s Beach Party” and “Moon Pie.” He’s not just a rocker, he’s got a wry sense of humor as well.

Playback would get a perfect rating but it was first released in 1995 so it excludes the second half of his career. They should make a sequel box set compilation called More Playback or Playback In The Saddle Again. Tom Petty is the shit. The Heartbreakers aren’t too shabby either. Get this album. Ask for it for Christmas or use your Hanukkah money to buy it. It’s worth it.

Critically Rated at 16/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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December 19, 2014 · 11:14 pm

Belated Birthday

People have birthdays. And other people forget them. It sucks. It’s life. Oh well. There’s nothing wrong with wishing somebody a belated birthday. You didn’t forget their birthday. You just didn’t remember it in time. In the old days you could get away with forgetting birthdays because you could claim that their card got lost in the mail. It’s harder to get away with it these days because Facebook tells you everybody’s birthday. All you can do is feign ignorance. Belated birthdays give you have a reason to celebrate a birthday again. Buy them a drink and give them a toast in their honor. Belated birthdays aren’t so bad as long as you get to celebrate them. I still love you. I just suck at remembering things.

Critically Rated at 12/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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December 18, 2014 · 5:20 pm

Ice Bucket

This post is about ice buckets, not the ice bucket challenge (I’m so glad that shit is over). An ice bucket is a bucket for ice. Whoever named it did a good job. You can find ice buckets at restaurants and clubs for chilling champagne and white wines, but their natural habitat is in hotel/motel rooms. It’s usually on the table or dresser, sometimes it’s on the bathroom countertop or by the TV. If your hotel doesn’t have ice buckets, it’s a good sign that you should probably check out. I once stayed in a hotel room that didn’t have a refrigerator, so I called the front desk and asked for a few spare ice buckets. I put some bottles of booze and some mixers in them and filled them up with ice, creating makeshift coolers. It worked, but we had to change the ice every few hours and that got harder and harder to as we got drunker and drunker. I know that they weren’t designed to be coolers, but I wanted you to know that ice buckets are far more versatile than you give them credit for.

Critically Rated at 12/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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December 18, 2014 · 5:18 pm

Futurama: Bender’s Big Score

Some things just can’t stay dead and quality programming is one of them. Bender’s Big Score is the direct-to-video film that brought Futurama back to life. It serves as both a movie and as the first four episodes of Futurama’s fifth season. Let’s do a brief recap of the show’s history: Futurama first premiered on March 28, 1999 and aired its last episode on August 10, 2003. FOX treated the show like shit and constantly changed its timeslot around. They sabotaged the ratings so they would have a reason to cancel it. They did, but Cartoon Network’s Adult Swim picked it up and aired in in syndication for a couple of years. It became a cult classic and Comedy Central bought the rights and decided to bring it back with all new episodes. Bender’s Big Score was the Futurama reunion we were all waiting for.

Matt Groening and company reunited the writers, animators, and voice cast to bring us this funny and smart feature-length story. It’s sci-fi gold. You can geek out on it and laugh hysterically at the same time. It’s about time travel and paradoxes and true love. They brought back most of the characters that you were missing and they pay homage to previous jokes while cracking new ones. I don’t even want to waste my time talking about the plot. It’s too complex and witty. I’ll just compare it to Inception because it’s the kind of movie that you need to watch multiple times so you can fully grasp what is happening. It’s funny and smart and a worthy start to a new era of Futurama.

Critically Rated at 15/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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December 17, 2014 · 7:38 pm

Wet Socks

I was walking into work the other day and I got caught in a sudden downpour. I was only outside for a few minutes, but that was more than enough time to get drenched. I was completely soaked in a matter of moments. The rain seeped inside my shoes and my socks absorbed all the water like a smelly sponge. I actually had to wring them out before I started my shift. Damp jeans I can deal with. Wet socks are something I try to avoid. I would carry a spare set of socks with me on rainy days, but that seems a little excessive and kind of weird. I’ll just stick to wringing them out and popping them in the microwave to dry them out. By the way, don’t use the microwave after me.

Critically Rated at 3/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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December 17, 2014 · 7:37 pm

Stems

I don’t want to alarm anybody, but I smoke weed. In fact, I’m pretty good at it. I always some bud available at the house. Hit me up if you want to blaze. Anyway, one byproduct of smoking marijuana is that you’re left with an abundance of stems. The stems are the leftover traces of weed once you trim the leaves and smoke the bud. Stems are like sticks or branches. In fact, it smells and tastes like wood smoke when you burn it. It’s not an enjoyable smoke. A lot of people simply throw the stems away, but you can use them in a variety of ways. You can chew on them. It won’t get you very high but you get some of that delicious weed flavor. You can steep them in hot water and make a nice herbal tea. You can use them to make a balm for small cuts or bug bites. You can scrape the THC crystals off of them and make kief. It takes quite a few stems to make something worthwhile, but it’s better than throwing them away. Don’t be wasteful. Be resourceful.

Critically Rated at 10/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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December 16, 2014 · 1:40 pm

Drake’s Jolly Rodger 2014 Imperial Coffee Stout

Drake’s Jolly Rodger is an impressive Imperial Coffee Stout. It’s brewed by San Leandro, California’s Drake’s Brewing Company and uses Blue Bottle Coffee beans to create a rich, dark stout. It pours a dark brown with a nice tan head. The aroma is coffee, chocolate, roasted malt and a hint of vanilla. The taste is of roasted coffee, dark chocolate, bready malts, nuts, and toffee. It has an impressive 9% alcohol content. This is the perfect beer for cold winter nights. It makes you want to light a couple of candles or chill by the fire with a good book. This is a sit-on-you-ass-and-not-go-anywhere beer. It means you are officially in relax mode and can ignore the outside world.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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December 16, 2014 · 1:39 pm

Scrooged

            Bill Murray gets the Ebenezer Scrooge treatment in this 1988 Christmas Comedy. Scrooged tells the tale of Frank Cross, a power-obsessed TV executive who has chosen work over friends and family. He’s in charge of a live Christmas Eve broadcast of Charles Dickens’ A Christmas Carol, the classic story of a grumpy guy who gets visited by ghosts and learns the true meaning of Christmas. Life begins to imitate art, and Frank gets visited by the ghost of his old mentor who warns him that he will be visited by three other ghosts.

Over the course of the evening and throughout his live broadcast, Frank gets visited by the Ghost of Christmas Past, the Ghost of Christmas Present, and the Ghost of Christmas Future. He becomes increasingly jumpy and disturbed, but comes to realize the error of his ways by the end of his final visit. He celebrates by rekindling his relationship with the love of his life and leading the cast and crew in a rousing rendition of “Put a Little Love in Your Heart” as the credits roll.

This is a darker version of A Christmas Carol. The humor is edgy and more cynical than other Bill Murray comedies. The Christmas Ghosts are kind of scary, especially for kids. It’s distinctly ‘80s and doesn’t hold up very well. It’s kind of dated. They have product placements for prehistoric products like VCRs. There are a lot of cameos from people who used to be famous. You probably wouldn’t like it if you saw it today for the first time. But it’s necessary holiday viewing if you grew up watching it like I did. It makes you nostalgic. It makes you remember happy memories. And isn’t that what holiday films are all about?

Critically Rated at 13/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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December 15, 2014 · 5:17 pm

Four-Story Friend

I have a friend that I can only hang out with once every couple of weeks. He’s a cool guy and he’s fun to hang out with, but he has the nasty habit of telling the same stories over and over again. And he only has four stories. He’s a four-story friend. There’s the time he got really drunk, there’s the time he boned the hottest chick in the world, there’s the time his car broke down on the freeway, and there’s the time he did that thing on vacation. He loves to be the center of attention and will tell his four stories at every opportunity he gets, but he doesn’t seem to realize that we’ve heard all heard them a thousand times before. We know his stories better than he does. What he needs to do is add more stories to his repertoire. He needs to experience new things and transform himself into a five-story friend.

Critically Rated at 10/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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December 15, 2014 · 5:16 pm

Jobs

Jobs is a 2013 biopic based on the life of Steve Jobs. If you don’t know who Steve Jobs is, look him up on your iPhone, iPad, or iMac. It was directed by Joshua Michael Stern and stars Ashton Kutcher as the titular character. The film doesn’t show his whole life. It starts with his college days in 1974 and continues through the introduction of the iPod in 2001. He died in 2011, so the movie leaves out a lot of important stuff. How can you make a movie about Steve Jobs and completely omit the iPhone and the iPad?!? Not only that, but the movie twists a lot of facts and manages to make an interesting man seem boring.

Ashton Kutcher delivers a decent performance as Jobs, but he’s not given much to work with. The script is boring. The whole movie falls flat. I’d much rather watch a documentary about Steve Jobs. At least facts would be more accurate and the drama would be realistic. This movie is a by-the-numbers biopic. It’s formulaic and fails because Steve Jobs didn’t follow a formula. He followed his gut. And really, no mention whatsover of iPhones or iPads or the last ten years of his life? Steve Jobs had an amazing life and career. This film is a terrible, shoddy tribute to his memory.

Critically Rated at 4/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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December 14, 2014 · 2:19 pm

Fireball Cinnamon Whiskey

Fireball Cinnamon Whiskey is a cinnamon-flavored whiskey liqueur. Not whiskey, a whiskey-based liqueur. It only 33% alcohol by volume. It’s kind of trendy right now. It’s one of the top ten most popular liquors, up there with Jäegarmeister, Jameson, and Patrón. You’ll find it at most bars and it’s a staple of house parties everywhere. I first discovered it about two years ago. I’m totally over it now. The hipsters can have it. The thing about Fireball is that it acts as its own chaser. You take a swig and swallow and the cinnamon burns your throat and hides the taste of alcohol. Most people take it as a shot or on the rocks, but you can use it as an ingredient to make a variety of cocktails. Nasty cinnamon-flavored cocktails, but cocktails nonetheless.

Critically Rated at 10/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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December 14, 2014 · 2:18 pm

Anchorman 2: The Legend Continues

Anchorman2: The Legend Continues is the 2013 sequel to Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy. Adam McKay returns as director and Will Ferrell, Steve Carell, Paul Rudd, David Koechner, and Christina Applegate all reprise their roles. It’s not as funny as the first one, and honestly there’s no way that it ever could have been better. The first one is a classic. This one is just a sequel. It has its moments, but it’s not as quotable and some of the jokes seem forced (like not understanding how cruise control works, what a tired gag). The movie tries too hard to be funny. They resort to recycling or paying homage to jokes from the first film, and they trot out celebrity cameos like it’s going out of style.

It spoofs the rise of 24-hour cable news networks that deliver more entertainment than actual news. There might not be much of a message, but there is a message: don’t be duped by sensationalist newscasts. Will Ferrell’s character is still funny. Paul Rudd and David Koechner’s characters are still funny. But Steve Carell’s Brick Tamland is a black hole. His character had some decent moments in the original movie, but he drags down the sequel. Ron Burgundy, Brian Fantana, and Champ Kind are all unintelligent characters because they have big egos and stubborn personalities. Brick Tamland is an unintelligent character because he is mentally handicapped. Steve Carell plays him as a retard and that’s lazy. And his whole romantic subplot with Kristen Wiig was downright stupid and unnecessary. Cool, lets hook up a retard with another retard and let hilarity ensue.

Did I enjoy this movie? Yeah, a little bit. I would only recommend it if you liked the first one. It’s not a masterpiece, but it’s not a rehash of the first one like The Hangover Part II. It’s not hard for a sequel to be better than The Hangover Part II though.

Critically Rated at 11/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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December 12, 2014 · 3:59 pm

Christmas Tree

A Christmas tree is a tree that you decorate and place Christmas gifts under. It’s the best way to honor baby Jesus. Some Christmas trees are real, some Christmas trees are fake, and sometimes they are called Xmas trees. In the old days you would go out into the woods and chop down a tree. Then people started buying them at designated Christmas tree lots. Now you can just take them out of the box and assemble them in your living room in only a few minutes. You decorate them with ornaments, lights, tinsel, popcorn chains, and top it off with an angel or a star. You put presents underneath the tree and hope that the dog/cat doesn’t piss all over everything. And no matter what your Jewish friend tells you, there is no such thing as a Hanukkah tree. They get a menorah.

Critically Rated at 13/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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December 12, 2014 · 3:57 pm

Airplane!

Airplane! is it. It’s the one comedy that everybody should see before they die. It is beyond a mere comedy. It is nonstop absurdity. Practically every single line of dialog is a joke. Almost every shot has a gag. The film premiered in 1980 and is still being quoted regularly. It had a tremendous impact on Hollywood and pop culture in general. The response is always the same whenever people find out that somebody hasn’t seen the movie: they all say, “Surely, you must be joking.” The unlucky chap doesn’t know that he is being called Shirley.

Jim Abrahams, David Zucker, and Jerry Zucker all wrote and directed the film. Robert Hays stars as Ted Striker, a former war pilot with a drinking problem, and he’s forced to fly a commercial airliner when the flight crew gets food poisoning. He’s trying to reconcile with his ex-girlfriend Elaine (played by Julie Hagerty), who happens to be a stewardess on the flight. Leslie Nielsen play Dr. Rumack in the role that turned him into a comedic genius. Lloyd Bridges has a role as a flight tower supervisor tasked with guiding the plane home safely, and he picked a hell of a week to quit drinking.

Some of the jokes are dated and the punchlines have been lost to time. I doubt anybody under the age of twenty will get half the jokes, but that doesn’t stop the film from being hilarious. Good comedy is timeless and that’s why Airplane! is still relevant today. Airplane! is a good personality test. I wouldn’t trust anybody who doesn’t appreciate this movie.

Critically Rated at 15/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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December 11, 2014 · 8:35 pm

Scratch-Off Lottery Tickets

Scratch-off lottery tickets are lotto tickets that are printed on cards. They are also referred to as scratch cards, scratchers, scratch-its, scratch tickets, etc. There are lots of different types of scratch-offs, but the premise is always similar. You buy a card for either a dollar, five dollars, ten dollars, or twenty dollars. The higher the price, the more likely you are to win. At least that’s why they want you to think. You play by scratching off certain areas of the card to determine if it’s a winner or not. The biggest appeal of scratch-offs is that you don’t have to wait for a drawing. You either win money right away or you lose money right away. You usually lose money right away. But if you get a winning ticket, you can cash it in right away and buy more scratchers.

Right now I’m hooked on California Lottery’s Lucky for Life. There’s one ticket that costs a dollar with a grand prize of $500 a week for twenty-five years. There’s one that costs two bucks with a grand prize of $1000 a week for twenty-five years. There’s another ticket that costs five bucks with a grand prize of $2,500 a week for twenty-five years. And the last ticket costs ten bucks with a grand prize of $5000 a week for twenty-five years. I haven’t won the jackpot yet, but I’ve won $20 on a five-dollar ticket. That’s enough to buy a couple of burritos.

Critically Rated at 12/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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December 11, 2014 · 8:33 pm

Keeping an Umbrella In Your Bag

Keeping an umbrella in your bag means that you’re prepared but also a little paranoid. It’s one thing to check the weather report before you leave the house and making a conscious decision to bring an umbrella with you. It’s entirely another thing to have an umbrella take up permanent residence in your backpack, briefcase, or purse at all times. Of course you will feel like it was all worth it if an unexpected storm blows in, but most of the time you’re lugging around an umbrella that you don’t need. There are a lot of things that take up the same amount of space as an umbrella but are more practical to have on a daily basis. Like a bottle of vodka for instance. You will use that way more than you would ever use an umbrella. And a bottle of vodka is more fun to take everywhere with you.

Critically Rated at 8/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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