Category Archives: Snacks

Chips, candy and other munchies

October 26, 2014 · 1:56 pm

Slim Jim Tabasco

Slim Jim Tabasco takes the processed smoked snack stick you know and love and combines it with the spicy pepper sauce that you also know and love. It gives the meat stick an extra kick. It’s pretty good actually. I like it more than other Slim Jim flavors. It’s not extremely spicy but it makes you sweat a little bit. Real jerky is a thousand times better, but sometimes real jerky is not available. That’s when you grab a Slim Jim. And if you’re grabbing a Slim Jim, try the Tabasco infused one. As long as you’re settling for an inferior product, you might as well make it a superior inferior product. That’s what Slim Jim Tabasco is. A superior inferior product. That makes sense if you think about it long enough.

Critically Rated at 12/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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October 3, 2014 · 10:17 pm

Orange Tic Tacs

I had the munchies and went to the store and came back with some beer, soda, chips, and a container of two hundred Orange Tic Tacs. That’s a lot of Tic Tac. I enjoy all the flavors of Tic Tac, but I’m a big fan of Orange. I’m not sure how much it freshens your breath, but it tastes good and it’s the most chewable of all the Tic Tac flavors. It’s not really chewy, it’s crunchy and it crumbles. The unique texture and delicious flavor combination is enough to keep me from sharing. I know that I have two hundred orange Tic Tacs, but if I give you one I would only have a hundred and ninety-nine. You’re like me in high school: you’re not getting any.

Critically Rated at 13/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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September 24, 2014 · 9:16 pm

Lay’s Cappuccino Potato Chips

You might have noticed the surge of oddly flavored potato chips hitting the market the past year or so. Sriracha. Chicken & Waffles. Wasabi Ginger. And Cappuccino. Yes, Cappuccino. Potato chips that taste like cappuccino. I saw them and I had to buy them. Because they are fucking potato chips that taste like cappuccino. I bought the bag, took it home, opened it up, and took a whiff. It smells like coffee. Salty coffee with a hint of stale milk. I was slightly worried, but I still picked up a chip. I studied it before I popped it into my mouth. It looked like a chip covered with instant coffee powder. Then I popped it into my mouth. It tasted like a chip covered with instant coffee powder. None of the flavors really mesh well, and they all cancel each other out. It’s a crunchy texture with a bland sweetness and a hint of coffee. I wouldn’t say that it’s salty but you can still taste salt, it’s just lost in the flavor confusion. There’s a touch of cinnamon, but it’s barely detectable. Lay’s Cappuccino Potato Chips look a lot more intimidating than they really are. They aren’t good, they aren’t bad. They are more of a novelty than a snack.

Critically Rated at 9/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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September 24, 2014 · 9:14 pm

Nerds (candy)

Nerds are a tiny, tangy crunchy candy made by the Willy Wonka Candy Company. They aren’t made by the real Willy Wonka; he’s a made-up literary character. They are made by the fake Willy Wonka; they are candy company created by business moguls to exploit the literary character. Nerds typically come in a cardboard box with a divider separating two different flavors. But they also make small individual-size boxes with only one flavor for Halloween, Valentine’s Day, etc. They also have a big box of Rainbow Nerds that are movie theater-size. The big box of Rainbow Nerds is the best because it has the biggest Nerds. Some can be as big as a pea. That’s a big nerd. That might not seem very impressive, but I’m easily impressed. Nerds are probably my favorite Wonka candy on the market. They are fruity, sour, crunchy, and fun to eat. Plus they have a great name. You can offer them out and insult someone at the same time. It’s hard to beat that.

Critically Rated at 15/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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August 4, 2014 · 10:00 am

Ketchup on Hot Dogs

I grew up in a magical land called California, a place where it is considered normal to put ketchup on hot dogs. I only found out a few years ago that this addition is considered blasphemy to the frankfurter community at large. Mustard is the only truly acceptable condiment allowed, and that relish, onions, and sauerkraut are all welcome additions before ketchup can even be considered. It’s somewhat disheartening to find out that I’ve been eating hot dogs wrong my whole life but I refuse to change. Not only do hot dogs taste better with ketchup, they taste hella better if you’re from Northern California like me. If you want to limit your palate with only mustard, that’s fine. It just means that there’s more ketchup for me.

Critically Rated at 12/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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July 14, 2014 · 11:01 pm

Snow Cone

A snow cone is a tasty frozen treat made with shaved ice and flavored syrup. It’s basically ice covered with sugar and sold for a 100% markup. But they are awesome so I don’t care. They are perfect on a hot day. I had my first snow in a few years the other week. I was hiking the Tony Knowles Coastal Trail in Anchorage and went four miles out to the beach. I took a couple of photos of the spectacular view and started to head back down the trail when I noticed a couple of kids munching on snow cones. I instantly knew that there was an ice cream man around because nobody carries around snow cones. And once you see a snow cone, you want a snow cone. I quickly located an ice cream truck posted up in the parking lot and I forked over a few bucks to buy a liter of Mountain Dew and a snow cone. I sipped my Dew, I enjoyed my cone, and I felt like I was on top of the world and I practically was. It will be hard to top that snow cone.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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June 18, 2014 · 10:37 pm

Slim Jim Maple Flavored Bacon Jerkey

Bacon is delicious. Jerky is delicious. It was inevitable that eventually the two superfoods would meet and create a delicious hybrid. I’ve been wanting to try bacon jerky for a while now and Slim Jim is an established presence on the dried meat market, so I figured I couldn’t go wrong. I opened the bag and took a deep whiff. I smelled the bacon, I smelled the sweet maple and the stale musk of jerky. I also smelled dog food… maybe Purina or Alpo, I’m not quite sure. But it was defiantely dog food. Oh well, I came to try bacon jerky, so I’m going to try bacon jerky damn it! Each piece looks like bacon, albeit the crumpled broken buffet table remnants leftover from a hungry breakfast crowd at a three star hotel. It smells like bacon, it looks like bacon, and it tastes like bacon. But it’s not bacon. It’s bacon jerky. Don’t get the two confused. It’s a little more jerky-like than bacon and more bacon-like than jerky. Try it and see for yourself. All in all, I’m not overly impressed with it but maybe that’s just because Slim Jim isn’t a gourmet brand per se. They are more in the beef stick business as opposed to jerky. This was a decent introduction to the world of bacon jerky, yet I’m sure other people make bacon jerky better and I’m determined to find them.

Critically Rated at 13/17

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Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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June 13, 2014 · 10:02 am

Tootsie Roll

A Tootsie Roll is a piece of candy that is similar in texture to taffy or caramel, but they claim that it’s chocolate flavored. I’m not sure if I believe them. It doesn’t taste like chocolate. It tastes like the stale memories of Halloweens long since passed. A Tootsie Roll is hard yet chewy, and they taste best when you let them soften up in your pocket for a while. The recipe for Tootsie Rolls involves using part of the batch of Tootsies from the previous day. So theoretically the Tootsie Roll you’re currently eating could contain trace remnants from the first Tootsie Roll ever made. It certainly tastes like it, doesn’t it? The weirdest thing about Tootsie Rolls is that they can’t agree to a uniform size. The short stubby ones are the ones you’re probably most familiar with, followed by the long skinny ones, and then the long fat ones. They all taste the same; they are just different sizes and shapes. I don’t like that. Make up your damn mind.

Critically Rated at 10/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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June 9, 2014 · 10:17 am

Fresh Ground Pepper

Fresh ground pepper is a great seasoning for practically any food. It makes almost any dish taste better. It definitely makes it more classy. And it’s a great way to improve the flavor without insulting the chef. It goes well on pastas, salads, and meats. I wouldn’t recommend it for fruit salads though. I’ve even enjoyed a pint of Stella Artois with a little fresh ground pepper sprinkled on top. It gives the beer a subtle kick. Fresh ground pepper is like Sriracha or bacon, it makes everything better. But fresh ground pepper might be the reigning flavor enhancer because Sriracha and bacon would taste better with a little fresh ground pepper. Then again, Sriracha and bacon would also make fresh ground pepper taste better. I don’t know what to think now. My taste buds are too conflicted.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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June 8, 2014 · 1:07 pm

Chef’s Cut Real Chicken Jerky Roasted Red Chili

I picked up a bag of Chef’s Cut Real Chicken Jerky Roasted Red Chili when I was at the store today. I’ve never heard of Chef’s Cut, I’ve never had a Roasted Red Chili flavor before, and I’ve never had chicken jerky before either. That’s all changed now. It looks and smells like beef jerky, with the fowl, crumbly texture of turkey jerky. The Roasted Red Chili flavor is pretty muted with a slight spicy kick. It’s a disappointing jerky. It’s too bland and dry. I noticed that it’s gluten free. Maybe it would have tasted better with some gluten. I’ll try other varieties of Chef’s Cut jerky, but I think I’m over the chicken jerky. Not a good first impression.

Critically Rated at 8/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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June 3, 2014 · 9:55 am

PEZ

PEZ is a brand of Austrian candy, famous for its trademarked dispenser. The dispenser was originally designed to mimic a cigarette lighter, but it’s transitioned over time to become more of a toy or a collectible. You’ll find all kinds of PEZ dispensers with characters from all sorts of movie, TV, and cartoon franchises. They even have dispensers of historical figures, sports teams, and rock bands. The candy itself is pretty meh, but it tastes better coming from a PEZ head. Popular PEZ flavors include Cherry, Grape, Raspberry-Lemon, Chocolate, Peppermint, etc. You take the candy out of the wrapper and load it into the dispenser. Then you lift up the head, a piece will pop out, and you pop that piece into your mouth. It’s more fun to dispense PEZ than to eat PEZ. Everyone has had a PEZ dispenser at some point in their life. You get them as stocking stuffers or in a gift bag from your friend’s tenth birthday party. If you’ve never had one before, I suggest that you get your ass down to the local 7-Eleven and pick up a Hello Kitty one today. You’ll see what all the fuss is about and you’ll thank me for opening your eyes.

Critically Rated at 12/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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May 22, 2014 · 12:19 pm

Ice Drops

Ice Drops are a brand of liquid breath mints made by OraLabs. They were really popular when I was a kid in the mid-nineties. No middle school dance was complete without a bottle of Ice Drops and a few spritzes of Cool Water cologne. Then Ice Drops disappeared by the time I entered high school and I forgot all about them. But over ten years later, I rediscovered them at a local corner store and it was like running into an old friend. I had to buy a bottle of SpearMint solely for the nostalgia factor. They are just as amazing as I remember. It’s a powerful tingling sensation that freshens your breath and leaves the ladies swooning. Damn, I missed these. On a side note, I did some research on OraLabs and they make a lot of different products. They make breath fresheners, sour candy, lip balms, sunscreens, and hand sanitizers. I’m pretty sure they employ Oompa Loompas in their factory.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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May 21, 2014 · 11:31 am

KFC Tuesday Special

There’s a KFC near my house that has a special promo every Tuesday where you can get two pieces of chicken for $1.49. That’s right, one dollar and forty-nine cents gets you a thigh and a drumstick in your choice of Original, Extra Crispy, or Grilled. Get the Extra Crispy. Always get the Extra Crispy. But seriously, how can they sell two pieces of chicken for $1.49 and make a profit? That’s less than seventy-five cents for a piece of chicken. Where are they getting these chickens from? I’m not sure if I want to know the answer, but I know I can’t stop eating it. It’s too good of a deal for decent fast food. I’m not ashamed to admit that I know that two orders of the KFC Tuesday Special costs exactly $3.24 after tax. Sometimes I’ll even bring exact change. If I’m going to be frugal, I might as well go all out.

Critically Rated at 12/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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May 17, 2014 · 10:00 am

Oatmeal Raisin Cookies

Oatmeal raisin cookies are cookies that are made with oatmeal and raisins. You usually find them at Grandma’s house. I don’t like oatmeal raisin cookies because they are deceptive. They try to look like chocolate chip cookies. That doesn’t sound so bad until you consider that chocolate chip cookies are among the best types of cookie and oatmeal raisin cookies are among the worst. There’s nothing more disappointing than taking a big bite of a chocolate chip cookie and discovering that it’s disgusting oatmeal raisin. You feel like you got duped and you did. You feel violated. You’re not sure if you’ll ever be able to trust another cookie again. You’re not sure if you want to. Oatmeal raisin cookies should be banned. I don’t know anybody who actually likes them. And I don’t want to know about it if you do.

Critically Rated at 3/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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May 16, 2014 · 9:59 am

Asking to Steal a Fry

It’s lunchtime at McDonald and you’re munching on some McNuggets. Your friend got a burger and some fries, and those fries are looking mighty tasty. You start craving them but you don’t want to pay for any. That’s when you resort to asking to steal a fry. It’s a casual way of getting permission to eat his food and it also makes him more willing to share them. You could just grab a handful of fries and shove them in your mouth, but it’s more polite to ask if before you take any. It’s always better to ask for approval rather than assuming that it’s ok. Besides, you’re not actually stealing anything if you ask to steal it. Right?

Critically Rated at 12/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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May 10, 2014 · 8:40 am

Ben & Jerry’s Peanut Butter Fudge Core

Ben & Jerry’s are known for their premium ice creams, and Peanut Butter Fudge Core is one of them. It’s a core of soft peanut butter fudge surrounded by chocolate and peanut butter ice creams with miniature peanut butter cups. There’s no way to describe it other than WOW!… It’s rich, creamy, smooth, chocolatey, and peanut buttery. I wouldn’t recommend it if you don’t like peanut butter or chocolate or peanut butter cups. But if it sounds appetizing at all, well, you won’t be disappointed. Ben & Jerry’s make some of my favorite ice cream flavors and this might be one of them. Try it out if you get the chance.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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April 27, 2014 · 1:32 pm

The Core Is a Myth

I’m a fan of life hacks, those nifty little tricks that make you better at life. Like did you know that you were eating apples wrong your whole life? You probably take an apple, bite into the side of it, and work your way around until all you have left is the apple core. But that’s the wrong way to do it because the core is a myth. There is no core. Only seeds. And you can spit those out. You can eat the entire apple, save for the stem. Seriously. Watch the video below if you don’t believe me. Try it for yourself to verify. The core is a myth. You’ll never look at an apple the same way again.

Critically Rated at 13/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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