Monthly Archives: May 2014

May 23, 2014 · 9:58 am

Walking Contest

A few years ago I went out to lunch with my roommate. We didn’t have any particular place in mind, so we started walking a few blocks towards the cluster of restaurants near our house. We walked past a few places, discussing and dismissing each potential place to eat. We reached the end of that stretch of restaurants and decided to keep walking to the next batch of restaurants a half-mile away. None of those places were satisfactory either, so we kept on walking. It was somewhere around this moment that our quest for lunch became an informal walking contest, and we both intended to win it. We walked and we walked and we walked some more. What was supposed to be a quick stroll for a bite to eat turned into an epic competition. We walked for two and half hours before we realized that we were both too proud to concede victory to each other. We gave up at the same time, and got a burrito to celebrate. And then we realized that we were a few miles from home and still had to walk back. That was the first and last time we ever had a walking contest. I would do it again, I would just make sure that I have a ride back.

Critically Rated at 11/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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May 22, 2014 · 12:21 pm

Shoes on Power Lines

All across the US you’ll find pairs of old shoes dangling from power lines, telephone wires, and trees. You’re more likely to find them in the city than the suburbs, but they are everywhere. You just have to look up to see them. There are lots of theories and superstitions about shoes on power lines. Some people claim it’s how gangs make their territory or honor fallen homies. Some people say it’s an indicator of drug dealers. Some people think bullies use them to taunt their victims. Some people believe it’s a celebration for losing their virginity or graduating. The truth is simpler than that. People want to be remembered. It’s why we write stuff on bathroom stalls or carve our names into desks. Throwing your shoes on power lines is just a fun way of leaving your mark on the world. That’s why my old kicks are hanging outside my first apartment in Isla Vista. I had to say goodbye somehow, so why not toss them into the sky?

Critically Rated at 12/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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May 22, 2014 · 12:19 pm

Ice Drops

Ice Drops are a brand of liquid breath mints made by OraLabs. They were really popular when I was a kid in the mid-nineties. No middle school dance was complete without a bottle of Ice Drops and a few spritzes of Cool Water cologne. Then Ice Drops disappeared by the time I entered high school and I forgot all about them. But over ten years later, I rediscovered them at a local corner store and it was like running into an old friend. I had to buy a bottle of SpearMint solely for the nostalgia factor. They are just as amazing as I remember. It’s a powerful tingling sensation that freshens your breath and leaves the ladies swooning. Damn, I missed these. On a side note, I did some research on OraLabs and they make a lot of different products. They make breath fresheners, sour candy, lip balms, sunscreens, and hand sanitizers. I’m pretty sure they employ Oompa Loompas in their factory.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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May 21, 2014 · 11:33 am

National Waiters and Waitresses Day

May 21st is National Waiters and Waitresses Day. It’s not as esteemed as Mother’s Day or Secretary’s Day, but it’s still a day to acknowledge the simple fact that your server is a person and deserves a little respect. How much respect? Preferably 20%. But they wouldn’t mind more. I’m a server and I love what I do. I meet people from all over the world, I work with some of the coolest and craziest motherfuckers I’ve ever met, and I don’t dread going to work. It’s fun, it’s fast paced, and every shift ends with cash in my pocket. I don’t have to wait two weeks for a paycheck because every day is pay day. I’ve grown accustomed to the server lifestyle. The industry gets in your blood. We deserve a holiday of our own, but we are willing to share. May 21st is also National Memo Day, so make a note of that.

Critically Rated at 15/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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May 21, 2014 · 11:31 am

KFC Tuesday Special

There’s a KFC near my house that has a special promo every Tuesday where you can get two pieces of chicken for $1.49. That’s right, one dollar and forty-nine cents gets you a thigh and a drumstick in your choice of Original, Extra Crispy, or Grilled. Get the Extra Crispy. Always get the Extra Crispy. But seriously, how can they sell two pieces of chicken for $1.49 and make a profit? That’s less than seventy-five cents for a piece of chicken. Where are they getting these chickens from? I’m not sure if I want to know the answer, but I know I can’t stop eating it. It’s too good of a deal for decent fast food. I’m not ashamed to admit that I know that two orders of the KFC Tuesday Special costs exactly $3.24 after tax. Sometimes I’ll even bring exact change. If I’m going to be frugal, I might as well go all out.

Critically Rated at 12/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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May 20, 2014 · 12:05 pm

Dog Farts

Dog farts are the most acceptable type of fart. If a person farts around you, it’s easy to get offended or disgusted. But if a dog farts around you, you simply groan and push him away. You might not even push him away. A dog fart is distinctive too. You can tell right away that it’s a dog fart and not a people fart. Dog farts still stink, but they don’t smell as bad as a people fart. Maybe it’s because dogs don’t eat broccoli smothered with melted cheese. I’m not saying that I enjoy dog farts, but if something’s got to fart around me I would prefer it to be a dog.
Critically Rated at 9/17
Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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May 20, 2014 · 12:04 pm

Don’t Step In Any Liquid On City Streets

So you’re going to the city for a night. You get all dressed up and ready for a fun night on the town. But before you go out, let me give you some advice: don’t step in any liquid on city streets. Because it’s probably not water. It’s probably piss. People piss outside all the time. Homeless people, drunk people, and people who just can’t hold it in anymore all treat the city like it’s giant toilet. Yeah, it’s gross. Yeah, it’s disgusting. But that’s how it is and you can’t change it. All you can do is try to avoid stepping into any mysterious puddles or streams on the sidewalk.
Critically Rated at 6/17
Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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May 19, 2014 · 9:01 am

Your Friend’s Attractive Girlfriend

Everyone has one friend with a really hot girlfriend. Like way hot. And everyone secretly wonders how he got her. Because she’s so hot. And she’s funny. And she’s smart. And she laughs at your jokes. And you think that she kinda likes you. And that maybe you should ask her out. And then you remember that she’s your friend’s girlfriend and you feel like a douchebag. She’s just so hot though. God dammit. Your friend’s attractive girlfriend is like artwork in a museum. You can look, but you can’t touch. Only make sure that your friend doesn’t catch you looking and have an excuse ready if he does.

Critically Rated at 15/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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May 19, 2014 · 8:59 am

Hop Rod Rye (beer)

Hop Rod Rye is an American IPA from Bear Republic Brewing Co. Bear Republic is mostly known for Racer 5 and Red Rocket Ale, but Hop Rod Rye is gaining in popularity. It pours a dark copper color with a nice tan head. It smells of sweet malts and citrus hops with rye, grass, and floral notes. It tastes like it smells. I get lots of sweet malt, hops, orange peel, grapefruit, and maybe a little spice. It’s not that hoppy for an India Pale Ale and it makes my mouth happy. It has a decent 8.0% alcohol content, which is enough to make you sleepy before bedtime. This is a very enjoyable craft beer.

Critically Rated at 13/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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May 18, 2014 · 5:24 am

My Concussion

I got a concussion when I was in third grade. We were playing Capture the Flag in gym class and I was in jail waiting for a teammate to tag me and set me free. Now at this point I need to mention that I was the shortest kid in my glass. I was tiny. And the biggest kid in my class was on my team, and he took up the challenge of freeing me. He ran full speed into me, basically clotheslining me and sending me flying backwards. I landed on my back and slammed my head on the blacktop. I laid there dazed for a minute or two before I slowly got up and stumbled over to the teacher. She sent me to the school nurse and I stayed there for about half an hour before I went back to class. After gym class was Sustained Silent Reading, and that’s when I knew something was wrong. I was reading my book and my vision was blurry and out of focus. The words were moving and shifting around and I started to get a headache. I was eight years old. I never had a headache before. I didn’t know what they felt like. I didn’t know what was happening. Needless to say that it freaked me out. I knew that I was hurt, but I didn’t know why. I just chalked it up to banging my head and didn’t mention it to anyone. I survived the school day and my head started to feel normal after a day or two. About a week after the incident, my mom nonchalantly mentioned that I experienced a minor concussion, but nobody told me about it because they didn’t want me to worry about it. I was actually proud that I got a concussion. I thought it only happened to football players and I felt like I accomplished something. After all, not everybody gets to experience a brain injury. Lucky me.

Critically Rated at 12/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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May 18, 2014 · 5:22 am

Sweet or Sour (game)

When I was a kid I would play a game in the car called Sweet or Sour. It was a pretty simple game. You wave at a stranger in another car. If they wave back, they are sweet. If they don’t wave back, they are sour. You don’t get any points if you get somebody to wave back, and you don’t lose any points if they don’t wave back. We didn’t keep score. Nobody would win and nobody would lose. In retrospect it wasn’t much of a game. I was still good at it though. It’s probably not a game that I will teach my kids. It just conditions kids to be overly friendly and unsuspicious of strangers. It’s like telling them that strangers have the best candy.

Critically Rated at 7/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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May 17, 2014 · 10:02 am

The Pier 39 Sea Lions

I work at a restaurant in the San Francisco tourist trap known as Pier 39. There are a few restaurants and attractions worth checking out, but the sea lions are the only major reason to check out Pier 39. The sea lions starting hanging out at Pier 39 during September of 1989. At first there were only a dozen or so, but word spread amongst the sea lion community that Pier 39 was a haven from sharks, killer whales, and had an ample food supply. By 2009 there were as many as 1,700 sea lions calling Pier 39 home. That’s a lot of pinnipeds. There aren’t always that many sea lions. Most of them leaving during the winter months, but they typically return by springtime. During spring and summer there are usually a couple hundred lounging out on the docks. Now it’s time for some pinniped facts! Pinniped is Latin for fin feet. Pinnipeds include sea lions, seals, and walruses. You can tell a walrus by its tusks, but it’s harder to tell seals and sea lions apart. The main difference lies in the ears. Seals don’t have ears, only stupid little ear holes where the ears should be. Sea lions have nifty little ear flaps. Seals are silent loners that flop around awkwardly on land. Sea lions are loud social creatures that gather in large groups and can walk on all fours on land. They are called sea lions because they are the lions of the sea – aggressive, agile, carnivores that believe in the circle of life.

Critically Rated at 13/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

The well-known Pier 39 in San Francisco

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May 17, 2014 · 10:00 am

Oatmeal Raisin Cookies

Oatmeal raisin cookies are cookies that are made with oatmeal and raisins. You usually find them at Grandma’s house. I don’t like oatmeal raisin cookies because they are deceptive. They try to look like chocolate chip cookies. That doesn’t sound so bad until you consider that chocolate chip cookies are among the best types of cookie and oatmeal raisin cookies are among the worst. There’s nothing more disappointing than taking a big bite of a chocolate chip cookie and discovering that it’s disgusting oatmeal raisin. You feel like you got duped and you did. You feel violated. You’re not sure if you’ll ever be able to trust another cookie again. You’re not sure if you want to. Oatmeal raisin cookies should be banned. I don’t know anybody who actually likes them. And I don’t want to know about it if you do.

Critically Rated at 3/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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May 16, 2014 · 9:59 am

Asking to Steal a Fry

It’s lunchtime at McDonald and you’re munching on some McNuggets. Your friend got a burger and some fries, and those fries are looking mighty tasty. You start craving them but you don’t want to pay for any. That’s when you resort to asking to steal a fry. It’s a casual way of getting permission to eat his food and it also makes him more willing to share them. You could just grab a handful of fries and shove them in your mouth, but it’s more polite to ask if before you take any. It’s always better to ask for approval rather than assuming that it’s ok. Besides, you’re not actually stealing anything if you ask to steal it. Right?

Critically Rated at 12/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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May 16, 2014 · 9:58 am

Smoked Porter with Chipotle Peppers

Stone Brewing Co. presents Smoked Porter with Chipotle Peppers, a seasonal summer American Porter brewed with real chipotle peppers. It pours a dark brown, nearly black color, with a thick tan head. It has a rich malty aroma with hints of spicy peppers, chocolate, caramel, and smoke. The taste is of roasted malts, smoke, pine, and it starts sweet but then you get a spicy kick from the chipotle. I’ve had pepper infused beers before, but combining chipotle peppers with a smoky porter takes it to a whole new level. The chipotle is subtle yet still lingers on your tongue after each sip. It’s indescribably tasty. It’s has a 5.9% ABV, which is about average for a craft beer. But nothing else is average about this beer. You have to experience it for yourself. Do it. Now.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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May 15, 2014 · 10:11 am

Paper Cut

A paper cut is a small cut that you get from a piece of paper. Even though they are small cuts, they are deceptively painful. You can die from them. You probably won’t, but it’s still a possibility. You could get a paper cut on a major artery and bleed out, or the paper cut could get infected, or the piece of paper could be poisoned. There are lots of ways to die from a paper cut. It’s one of the main reasons why I won’t ever work in an office. It’s too dangerous. Paper cuts have been a fixture of pop culture for decades. There was a bully character on Nickelodeon’s The Adventures of Pete & Pete named Paper Cut. His gimmick was making deadly paper weapons. There was also the infamous scene in Jackass: The Movie where Johnny Knoxville and Steve-O get self-inflicted paper cuts. It makes me cringe every time. I wouldn’t wish a paper cut upon my worst enemy.

Critically Rated at 3/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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May 15, 2014 · 10:10 am

Oz Season 2

Oz Season 2 is the second season of HBO’s acclaimed dramatic series about life behind bars of the fictional Oswald State Penitentiary. It’s only 8 episodes, each one about an hour long, so you can watch the whole season in a few days. The first season introduced you to the rising tensions of the prison staff member and inmates that culminated in a deadly riot. Season 2 is about the aftermath of the riot, about the lessons learned or ignored by the main characters. You catch up with old characters and you meet new ones that change the dynamic of the prison.

Tim McManus (Terry Kinney) reopens Emerald City, determined to make it succeed. He does this by separating the inmates into different groups (The Mafia, the Aryan Brotherhood, the Muslims, the Homeboys, the Latinos, the rejects, the homosexuals, etc.) with only four members each. Amongst this new backdrop new issues and problems arise.

There are way too many story arcs to cover, so I won’t even try. I’ll just mention a few that I enjoyed. The warden’s daughter gets raped and one of the inmates knows who is responsible. The talented Poet (who happens to be a poet) gets his poetry published and becomes a celebrity who gets his freedom, even though he’s not ready for it. Tobias Beecher (Lee Tergesen) and Schillinger (J.K. Simmons) wage psychological warfare on each other. And Ryan O’Reily (Dean Winters) falls in love with the prison nurse, gets his mentally challenged brother to kill her husband, and deal with the guilt when his brother gets sent to Oz for the murder. There’s another subplot involving two old inmates trying to dig their way out.

There isn’t as much as stake as in Season 1. Season 2 seems to be more of a character study. And there are a lot of interesting characters so there is a lot to explore. It’s not a tame season by any means. Remember that Oz is an HBO show about prison. You’re gonna see a lot of shocking and fucked up shit. If you liked the first season, you’ll love the second season.

Critically Rated at 15/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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