Monthly Archives: April 2013

April 5, 2013 · 9:20 am

One Long Hair

I buzz my head because it’s easy to maintain and it’s cheap as hell. I bought some electric clippers for $50 a few years ago and shave my head every month or two. I’ve probably saved a few thousand dollars by avoiding the barbershop over the years. I’ve gotten pretty quick and efficient with it, I can shave my head in a couple of minutes. But no matter what, there’s always a single strand of hair that manages to avoid the clippers somehow. It’s unavoidable. There will always be one long hair that survives the cut. It’s usually around the ears or the back of my neck but that fucker can pop up anywhere. And I always notice it after I’ve put the clippers away. At that point I just grab the tweezers and pluck that fucker out.

Critically Rated at 7/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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April 4, 2013 · 9:53 am

Jenga

Jenga is a game that either builds friendships or destroys them. You start with a tower of wooden blocks 18 levels high with 3 blocks in each level. The goal of the game is to remove a block from a lower level and move it to the top of the tower without the whole thing collapsing. The longer the game goes on, the taller the tower gets, and it becomes more and more structurally unsound. Everyone takes turns pulling out a piece until the tower falls over. Then everyone yells out “Jenga!” and shrieks with glee while bystanders look on with disdain. The loser is whoever knocked over the tower. The winner is whoever removed the last piece successfully. Jenga was originally a kid’s game, but then I grew up and now it’s a drinking game. My local dive bar has a few Jenga sets and there’s a custom of writing something on a piece whenever you play. It’s a good way to commemorate a special event or talk shit to a future player. It’s fun to play with blocks. Reconnect with your inner child and play some Jenga.

Critically Rated at 13/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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April 4, 2013 · 9:51 am

Double Pressing the Pedestrian Crossing Button

I had to cross a busy street today, so I sauntered over to the crosswalk and hit the pedestrian crossing button and waited for the light to change. Barely two seconds after I hit the button, another guy walked up and pressed the button again. I don’t know why he had to hit it too, he just saw me fucking press it. Maybe he assumed that I didn’t do it right and doesn’t trust my pressing technique. Maybe he’s just really good at pressing buttons and he has to show off his skills to random strangers. No matter what, there’s no point in double pressing the pedestrian crossing button. It’s not going to make the light change faster and it’s going to make whoever pressed it first resent you.

Critically Rated at 6/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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April 3, 2013 · 9:58 am

A Vegetarian Who Has Never Eaten Meat

Vegetarians are people who choose not to eat meat. Sometimes they do it for health or personal reasons, or because of religious requirements. I respect vegetarians who made a choice to avoid meat. That takes willpower. However, I can’t respect a vegetarian who has never eaten meat. They never made a choice; they just blindly go along with their upbringing. They are sheep. I can’t respect their opinion. A vegetarian who has never eaten meat is more judgmental and preachy about the dangers of eating meat than a real vegetarian too. They constantly talk about how bad bacon is. They need to shut the fuck up about things that they’ve never experienced. Bacon is fucking amazing. I’ll listen to a recovering alcoholic talk about the dangers of booze, but if some sober guy who has never had a sip of beer tells me to put down the bottle, I’ll throw it at his fucking skull. Being a vegetarian should be a choice, not something you blindly follow from birth. Eat a burger before you bash it.

Critically Rated at 3/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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April 3, 2013 · 9:55 am

Walking Downhill

I live in San Francisco and don’t have a car. That means that I walk. A lot. San Francisco is famous for its many hills and I spend a lot of time walking up and down those hills. Walking uphill sucks. It’s tiring and it’s an involuntary workout. The only good thing about walking uphill is that you’ll eventually reach the peak and start walking downhill. Walking downhill is where it’s at. All you have to do is keep your legs moving and let gravity do all the work. You put some stress on your knees, but that’s a small sacrifice for flying down the hill at a pace that a professional speed walker would be proud of. You can cover a lot of ground in a short amount of time without wasting much energy. Your downhill pace should be called Lipton Speed because it’s so brisk.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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April 2, 2013 · 9:21 am

Tinactin Antifungal Deodorant Powder Spray

It seems that most people who want to practice good hygiene only use deodorant for their armpits, despite the fact that we sweat all over. Most people neglect their sweaty feet. Maybe they forget about them because they are crammed into shoes and socks all day, so you don’t catch an accidental whiff of your body odor while performing some random activity. I’m a server/bartender so I’m on my feet all damn day, running around in circles for the duration of my shift. I started getting athlete’s foot so I got some Tinactin deodorant spray. It kills odors and helps cure and prevent athlete’s foot. Now I don’t have to be ashamed to take off my shoes in the break room. Nobody wants to smell bad, and Tinactin will make your feet less stinky. Everybody wins. Now if only there was some way to keep my balls from sweating…

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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April 2, 2013 · 9:17 am

Ghetto Writing

Ghetto writing is when your average pampered white guy goes on the Internet and intentionally spells words wrong, switching back and forth between upper and lower case letters, and generally going out of their way to make their comment unreadable. It’s usually something like, “AlL dA bItChEz N hOeZ nEeD tA nOw ThAt I aInT pHuKiN aRoNd WhEn I sAi ThAt Im GoNnA gEt YoU!! u JuSt aCt HaRd, U aInT sHiT 2 mE. I dO wAt I wAnT wHeN i WaNt n U bItcHeZ cAn SuCk iT!”

They basically go out of their way to be retarded. The basic rule of writing is K.I.S.S.: Keep It Simple, Stupid. You want to keep your writing as clear and concise as possible. If it’s hard to write, it’s hard to read. You don’t want your audience struggling to decipher each word of each sentence. They won’t read it if they can’t read it, and you wrote all ghetto for nothing. You might think it looks cool, but nobody else does.

Critically Rated at 5/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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April 1, 2013 · 10:51 am

Opening Day 2013

Today is Opening Day for Major League Baseball, one of the best holidays of the year. You’ve been jonesing for the season to start all winter, you get a little bit of a fix from Spring Training, but there’s nothing like the real thing. Baseball is a drug and Opening Day is the needle. Opening Day also represents possibilities. It’s a clean slate, a fresh start for your team. Anything can happen and everyone looks forward to it. It’s better than Christmas. You look forward to Christmas for a few weeks, then it finally arrives, you do Christmassy things for a few hours, and then it’s over. But with baseball you’re waiting for a few months for Opening Day, then it finally arrives and you do Opening Day festivities and watch your team play a game, and when it’s over you realize that it was just the first of 162 games and you’ll have baseball in your life for the next six months. Christmas abandons you, baseball crashes on your couch and never leaves. Play Ball!

Critically Rated at 16/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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April 1, 2013 · 10:49 am

Nantucket Nectars Pineapple Orange Guava

Nantucket Nectars Pineapple Orange Guava is a tropical fruit juice medley. It is a blend of pineapple, orange, and guava, and it also has apple, passionfruit and lemon juice, along with ascorbic acid and beta carotene (for flavor, as the label stresses). Sounds delicious and nutritious, huh? It has 100% of your required vitamin C intake and is 21% juice. That’s enough to fend off a cold. It makes a good mixer too. Nantucket is an island south of Cape Cod, Massachusetts. But Nantucket Nectars is based in Plano, Texas. I smell a conspiracy. All in all, it’s a pretty good juice but it’s not replacing Minute Maid anytime soon.

Critically Rated at 12/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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