Monthly Archives: November 2012

November 13, 2012 · 9:55 am

The Wrong Car

You’re waiting for your friend to pick you up because carpooling is the shit and gas is expensive. He texts you and tells you to go outside. You grab your stuff and head outside and see him pulling up. As he slows down and you grab the door handle to open it, you realize that it’s not his car and this is not your friend. You were about to get in the wrong car. And that driver thinks you’re trying to car jack him. All you can do is laugh it off and apologize. The wrong car got you again.

Critically Rated at 10/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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November 13, 2012 · 9:52 am

Seat Backs

You’re at a party or a bar and you’re one of the lucky ones to get a seat. You don’t have to stand around drinking your beer like an animal. But then nature calls and you have to go to the bathroom. Before you leave it’s vital that you say “Seat Backs.” You don’t want to get into a dispute over a chair, but friendships have ended for that very reason. People will claim ownership over anything and fight to defend it. There are many variations on seat backs. Different people call it different things but the meaning is the same. If you call dibs on your chair, that is your chair. You can go to the bathroom and come back to reclaim your seat. The important thing is that other people hear you when you call seat backs. Nobody will believe you said it if they didn’t hear you say it.

Critically Rated at 11/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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November 12, 2012 · 12:34 pm

Rain Ponchos

It’s starting to rain and you left your umbrella at home. You can either buy a new umbrella, brave the rain and get soaked, or you can wear a plastic garbage bag and pretend that it’s a poncho. Real rain ponchos are better though. Real rain ponchos are sometimes more practical than umbrellas. They are foldable, more portable and they look like cloaks, which makes them more fashionable. You can’t really get away with wearing cloaks these days but a plastic poncho will suffice. Ponchos are just another item in our arsenal against global warming. Bring it on.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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November 12, 2012 · 12:32 pm

Cleaning Your Room

Cleaning your room is one of the first steps to being a responsible adult. Your parents constantly nagged you to clean up your room when you were growing up and you hated them for it. Then at a certain point in middle school you realize that a messy room is kind of embarrassing. You would tidy up and try to make it look presentable before friends came over. Then you grew up and went to college and realized that your roommate doesn’t like it when you leave your shit all over the place. So you started really cleaning your room, mostly to be respectful to your roommate, but also so that any late-night hookups wouldn’t change their mind when they see how you live. Cleaning your room is important. It’s just a shitty chore that never ends.

Critically Rated at 7/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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November 11, 2012 · 11:10 am

The Sandman: A Game of You

The Sandman is one of the best comics of all time because it appeals to both male and female readers. Volume 5 of the series is one of the female stories according to author Neil Gaiman. Morpheus takes the backseat as Barbie (Rose Walker’s roommate in Volume 2) takes the spotlight. When Barbie dreams, she is the princess of a magical land called The Land. The only problem is that the Cuckoo is taking over Barbie’s dream kingdom. Barbie’s friends in her real life and dream life come to her aid, and there are triumphs, betrayals, and deaths along the way.

            Barbie used to have vivid dreams about her life as Princess Barbara, but she has stopped dreaming. An entity known as the Cuckoo is slowly destroying the Land. Her dream pal Martin Tenbones comes to the real world to bring Barbie back. He dies but still succeeds in his mission, and Princess Barbara returns to the Land. She hangs out with her talking animal friends as they make their way to confront the Cuckoo.

Back in reality, Barbie’s friends are also under attack from the Cuckoo’s minions. Luckily, her friend Thessaly is a witch and is able to use her witch powers save the other friends: a drag queen named Wanda, and two lesbians (one of which is pregnant). Then Thessaly and the lesbians use the moon to go to the Land to help Barbie and kill the Cuckoo, but only after Thessaly makes a dead guy talk by nailing his face, eyes, and tongue to the wall. Witchcraft in the Sandman universe is a little more extreme than in the Potterverse.

            The battle to save Barbie in her dreams is fought in both in her dreams and in the real world. Some of her dream friends come into the real world and some of her friends go into her dreams. There are consequences for doing that in the Sandman universe.

Gaiman was clearly inspired by Narnia and other fantasylands, but he manages to put his own spin on it. The Cuckoo is a great character. It isn’t evil, dangerous yes, but it’s only doing what it’s supposed to do. A Game of You is another great addition to the Sandman saga.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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November 11, 2012 · 10:59 am

Homemade Beef Jerky

Beef Jerky is awesome if you’re a carnivore. Dried piece of cow flesh in flavors like smoked, peppered, and teriyaki? Yes, please. You can buy Jack Link’s or other brands of beef jerky at the store, but homemade beef jerky is where it’s at. All you need is a food dehydrator, meat, and a creative recipe. Anything made at home will taste better than anything you buy. Homemade beef jerky is amazingly delicious. Just to clarify, when I say homemade, I mean when my mom makes it.

Critically Rated at 15/17

Written, Rated and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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November 10, 2012 · 11:19 am

Fighting for the Armrest

Humans are very territorial creatures. We put white picket fences around our lawn and yell at little kids for stepping on the grass.  There are very few situations as awkward as fighting for the armrest with a complete stranger. You want to arrive to your seat first on the plane or at the movie theater so you can establish control of an armrest and preferably both of them. You need your elbow support. It sucks when you get to your seat a little late and both armrests are occupied. You have to wait until someone moves his arm and you can casually but quickly sneak your arm onto the rest. It’s yours now. He didn’t call dibs.

Critically Rated at 13/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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November 10, 2012 · 11:14 am

Coasters

If you have a cold glass and a wood table you need a coaster. Coasters protect the wood from the condensation on the glass. Nobody wants to be the jerk who leaves a water stain, so use a coaster whenever possible. Some coasters are made of sandstone, some are ceramic, some are made of cork, and the cheaper ones you find at bars and restaurants are typically cardboard advertisements for beer companies. The cardboard ones make great ninja stars. If you’ve ever been to a Chili’s or Chevys on a slow night, chances are that the servers are throwing them at each other behind the scenes. That’s why it’s taking so long for your refill. Coasters are classy. They are like saucers for your booze.

Critically Rated at 13/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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November 9, 2012 · 11:07 am

Movember

Each November, millions of men around the world put down their razors and grow a moustache to raise awareness about prostate cancer. They call this magical month Movember. It’s a great way to be lazy and still feel helpful. If you’ve ever wondered how your life would be different with a moustache, this is the month to try it out. Everybody’s stache will look sleazy the first few days. If you still look like a tough thirteen-year-old after a few weeks, then you might want to reconsider your facial investment. Don’t feel bad, not everyone can be Ron Swanson. Especially not me.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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November 9, 2012 · 11:04 am

Asking How Long the Flight Was

Whenever someone comes back from vacation, everyone has a bunch of questions. Where did you go? What did you do? Where did you stay? How expensive was it? And for some reason someone always asks how long the flight was. It’s one of those stupid cliché questions that people only ask to keep the conversation going. Gee, Hawaii sounds like a tropical paradise but the flight is 7 hours so I’m not going. Generally speaking, the guy who asks how long the flight was is only asking so he can one-up you and brag about his 14 hour flight. Just nod your head and pretend to be impressed with his ability to sit on his ass for extended periods of time.

Critically Rated at 8/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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November 8, 2012 · 10:44 am

Poker Night

Girls get together and go to brunch. Guys get together and have a poker night. Mimosas and cantaloupe are nice and all, but I prefer beer and gambling. Someone volunteers their house, a few guys bring poker sets, and everyone else brings booze and snacks. You decide on a game (you can’t go wrong with Texas hold’em), everyone puts in their cash and gets a stack of chips, and the next couple of hours are spent sitting around the table laughing, joking and occasionally crying. You feel great when you bluff your way to a big pot, you feel agony when you get a bad beat on the river, and you try to survive getting knocked out long enough to at least win your money back. Poker is kind of like Mario Kart: you can do everything right, be winning the whole time, and still lose when a random blue shell takes you out. That’s why I love it and that’s why I hate it. But poker nights are always fun.

Critically Rated at 16/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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November 8, 2012 · 10:39 am

Doritos Locos Tacos

People like tacos and people like Doritos. The bigwigs at Taco Bell realized this and decided to combine the two. Doritos Locos Tacos are Taco Supremes in a taco shell made out of Doritos Nacho Cheese flavored chips. It’s a pretty amazing concept, but it’s not the flavor revolution they were hoping for. It tastes like your typical shitty Taco Bell taco, but the shell is orange. You can hardly taste the Doritos shell. The only reason to try it is to tell people you tried it. I just hope that they don’t start making nachos with Doritos.

Critically Rated at 9/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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November 7, 2012 · 10:30 am

The Sandman: Season of Mists

Season of Mists is the fourth volume of Neil Gaiman’s The Sandman, collecting issues #21-28. It’s about Morpheus trying to correct a past mistake and ending up with the key to Hell. Word gets out, and a bunch of gods, demons, and entities all try to convince the Dream King to give them control of Hell. It would make a great reality show.

Ten thousand years ago Morpheus had a lover who pissed him off, so he banished her to Hell. When his sister tells him that it was kind of a dick move, he decides to set things right by going to Hell and freeing Nada. He shows up in Hell expecting Lucifer to put up a fight and instead finds him in the process of shutting everything down. He’s bored of his job and doesn’t want to do it anymore. He gives Morpheus the key to the empty realm and tells him to do what he wants with it.

Morpheus returns to the Dreaming and gets a bunch of visitors who all want Hell for their own selfish reasons. Odin, Loki, Thor, Order, Chaos, Anubis, Bast, a few demons, a few representatives from Faerie, and various other mythical and religious icons show up and all try to bribe, manipulate, or threaten Morpheus into giving them the key to Hell. But who will he choose and why? You’ll just have to read the comic and find out. Or you can just look it up online, but it won’t be as satisfying.

While Morpheus is dealing with all that shit, the banished Hell dwellers start coming back to life as ghosts. There’s a quick story about a kid named Charles Rowland and how his crappy life at a miserable boarding school gets worse when evil ghosts start torturing him. It’s a highlight of the series.

Season of Mists is one of the more important volumes in The Sandman. You find out a lot about Morpheus. Most of the important characters are featured or at least referenced in some way. It either introduces or reminds you of important plot points and foreshadows events that don’t happen until the later volumes. It’s a fact that The Sandman is one of the best comics of all time. Season of Mists is one of the reasons why.

Critically Rated at 15/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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November 7, 2012 · 10:22 am

Pomegranates

Pomegranates are a delicious and healthy fruit. They look like an orange-reddish bulb.  You peel it open to reveal hundreds of small seeds inside. The small seeds are what you eat, you throw away the rest. A major downside to pomegranates is that it’s a bitch to get the seeds out. You have to cut and peel and pop them out. Pomegranates are a mystery fruit. You can’t tell how good the seeds are until you open it up. There’s nothing worse than seeing a bunch of white kernels or brown rotten seeds. On the other hand, a perfect pomegranate is better than… I don’t know. They are fucking really good though.

Critically Rated at 15/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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November 6, 2012 · 9:08 am

Serenity (film)

Once upon a time, there was an amazing television show called Firefly. It got cancelled before it could even complete the first season. But the fans demanded more stories about Captain Malcolm Reynolds and his crew. And somehow Joss Whedon was able to convince a studio to make a follow-up film to his cancelled show. It didn’t do too well at the box office, but it’s become a cult classic. It’s a great sci-fi flick, but if you didn’t watch the show, you’ll be confused with all the characters and backstories.

            Joss Whedon brought back all of the main cast from the TV show. Nathan Fillion, Gina Torres, Alan Tudyk, Morena Baccarin, Adam Baldwin, Jewel Staite, Sean Maher, Ron Glass, and Summer Glau all reprise their iconic characters. There’s a great extended take reintroducing Malcolm, Wash, Zoe, Jayne, Kaylee, Simon, and River as Serenity fights to stay in the sky before crash landing. It’s the perfect way to reestablish what you’ve been missing out on.

The movie picks up a few months after the events of the final episode. Shepard Book and Inara have already been driven off of Serenity by Malcolm, and Simon and River seem poised to leave as well. The two Tams are still being pursued by the Alliance and Malcolm is having more and more difficulties trying to find jobs. There’s a run-in with some Reavers and you finally see how frightening they are.

            The Reavers are kind of the backbone of the story. A lot of shit happens and one of the shits that happens is the crew discovering that the Alliance is responsible for creating the Reavers. Malcolm decides that the Verse has the right to know the truth, and he eventually broadcasts the evidence after a fight with the Operative that has been tracking them throughout the film.

This is an awesome movie, a great movie, and a spectacular movie… if you’re a fan of the show. You really need to watch Firefly first to truly appreciate this flick. Serenity is your reward for enjoying the show. It’s just a glorified episode with better special effects and a bigger budget. And it makes you want more Firefly.

Critically Rated at 15/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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November 6, 2012 · 9:02 am

Election Day

So it’s the first random Tuesday of November and it’s finally Election Day. This is a big one too. Who will win the presidency? This cookie cutter candidate or that one? It’s so exciting knowing that whoever wins will spend the next 4 years getting our country into more wars and more debt. What a great time to be alive. The best part about Election Day is that we have two and a half years before another presidential campaign starts up again. This country will continue to go down the drain until we get rid of the Electoral College and political parties. And we will never get rid of either. Remember George Washington? Our first president and inventor of the quarter? He was opposed to political parties and foreign entanglements. You think he would like the state of the union these days? I doubt it. Amurika.

Critically Rated at 2/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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November 5, 2012 · 12:12 pm

Are You Afraid of the Dark?

Are You Afraid of the Dark? is a show that you were contractually obligated to watch if you grew up in the ‘90s. Kids like to get scared, and this was the scariest thing on TV at the time (that your mom would let you watch). Each week, another member of the Midnight Society would tell a scary story around a campfire. And each week, you would be terrified of going to bed that night.

            I recently found a bunch of old episodes on YouTube and it’s been pretty awesome reliving my childhood. And you’d be surprised at how many of the child guest stars went on to become famous. Ryan Gosling, Hayden Christensen, Neve Campbell, Emmanuelle Chriqui, and Jay Baruchel were all responsible for making you afraid of the dark at some point.

            If All That is a family-friendly SNL, then Are You Afraid of the Dark? is a family-friendly Tales from the Crypt. It’s family-friendly because there’s no swearing or nudity (god-fucking-damn-it). But it’s still creepy and scary and I wouldn’t recommend it before bedtime. It’s a little dated now, but it’s a classic show. You probably wouldn’t like it if you didn’t grow up watching it. But that’s your fault.

Critically Rated at 13/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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