June 23, 2014 · 9:25 pm

Hotel Safe

A hotel safe is a safe in a hotel room. It’s usually in the closet. I don’t trust the hotel safe. It just seems kind of shady. You’re in a strange new city and you’re expected to keep your most precious valuables in a safe that’s reprogrammed hundreds of times each year. I always feel like the maid is just waiting to swipe your iPad, cash, and passport. I’d rather hide my shit under the mattress or in the pocket of a rolled up pair of jeans in my suitcase. That’s probably not secure either but it still gives me more peace of mind. Do you trust hotel safes? Would you keep your birth certificate or Social Security card in one? Fuck that jazz.
Critically Rated at 6/17
Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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June 23, 2014 · 9:25 pm

Chuli Stout

Chuli Stout is an Irish Dry Stout by Denali Brewing in Talkeetna, Alaska. It pours a rich black color with a nice creamy head. It has the nice roast and toast malt aroma as you’d expect from any decent stout. There’s chocolate and coffee notes as well. It has a nice malty flavor, lots of chocolate, some cream, and it has a bit of a spice compared to other Irish Dry Stouts. It’s very full flavored for only have a 5.9% ABV. Quality craft beer is available everywhere and Alaska has a lot of impressive offerings. This is one of the better ones.
Critically Rated at 15/17
Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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June 22, 2014 · 7:46 pm

Summer Solstice

Summer solstice is the first day of summer. It’s also the longest day of the year. I was lucky enough to celebrate summer solstice in Anchorage, Alaska for 2014 and the sun refused to go down. It just became something like twilight for a few hours. It never got dark. I never saw stars. Summer solstice is a holiday in Anchorage. The whole city comes out to celebrate with music, dancers, art, food, and festivities. They got the Spin Doctors to come out and play their two-and-a-half hits and a bunch of filler material in a free concert. And in case you were wondering, yes, there were a lot of hippies and awkward dancers struggling to move to the beat. I’m writing this article right around midnight and it’s still light outside. That sounds awesome until you realize that your body clock is warped and you can’t fall asleep for the life of you. That’s what’s when awe turns into insomnia.
Critically Rated at 15/17
Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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June 22, 2014 · 7:43 pm

Watching the End of a Movie That You Haven’t Seen Before

Watching the end of a movie that you haven’t seen before isn’t that big of a deal if the movie is worth watching. That’s how you know if it’s a good movie or not. It’s all about the ending, the climax. It’s why you prematurely ejaculate. The finale makes or breaks the movie. People like spoilers and skipping ahead to the end is a gratifying way to save time. The why you leek ahead in your book or search for unwrapped presents before Christmas. If it’s a good ending you might watch the while movie. If it sucks you might not watch it at all. And that saves you even more time.
Critically Rated at 11/17
Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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June 21, 2014 · 9:36 pm

Deboarding the Plane

Deboarding the plane is always a shit show. As soon as the plane touches the ground everyone unbuckles their seatbelt and stand up, desperate to get off the plane before it even reaches the gate. All the impatient people push and clamor their way into the aisle, despite the fact that the second row has gotten off yet and they are in the last row. The best way to deboard is to sit still and wait your damn turn. Let all the people sitting in front of you get up and get off before you try to do so. The aisle is too narrow to push your way past them anyway. Just relax and be civil, you fucking asshole.
Critically Rated at 5/17
Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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June 21, 2014 · 9:33 pm

Pit Stop

One of the perks of a road trip is an unscheduled pit stop. That’s when you stop at a random location, like a gas station or a neglected Carl’s Jr, on a road trip. It’s where you break the monotony of a several hour long car ride by getting out of the car, stretching your legs, going to the bathroom and buying something to munch on when you get back on the road. A pit stop is not a destination. You’re only there for a few minutes before you move on towards where you really want to go. A pit stop is just a brief moment to relax before the journey takes too much of a toll and you veer off into a ditch and die in a ball of flames, it doesn’t happen all the time, but it happens. So be cautious and make a pit stop every once in a while.
Critically Rated at 12/17
Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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June 20, 2014 · 9:32 pm

Local Brew

One of the perks about traveling is trying new things, like a local brew that you’ve never heard of before. I was flying to Anchorage, Alaska the other day and I had a layover in Seattle. I went to the first airport bar I could find and asked for the best local brew on tap. The bartender poured me a Pike IPA. It’s wasn’t the the best beer in the world, but it was certainly enjoyable. And there’s no way that I would have ever tried it if I never asked about it. Asking for a local brew is a good way to sample the culture of the area you’re visiting. It’s a way to experience new things. And experiencing new things is what life is all about. It’s why we travel. It’s why we ask for a local brew. It’s how you win at life.
Critically Rated at 14/17
Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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June 20, 2014 · 9:30 pm

Landing in a Plane

Landing in a plane is always the most nerve racking thing about flying. You’re high in the sky and then you start slowing down. The ground starts coming closer and closer, faster and faster. The plane shakes and shudders, it jumps and jerks. And you keep telling yourself that you’re gonna be fine, that you’re not going to crash, but a part of you thinks that it’s inevitable. You know that you’re not a good flier. All you can do is hope that your pilot is. Statistically you’re the most likely to crash when you’re taking off or when you’re landing. It’s best not to think about that though. Just try to enjoy the ride. I’ve been skydiving twice before and it’s always a trip to realize that I’ve taken off in a plane more times than I’ve landed in one.
Critically Rated at 5/17
Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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June 19, 2014 · 10:20 am

Drawing Dicks on Magazine Covers

I was lounging in the break room the other day at work. I had five minutes before I had to clock in and I had to kill some time. There was a copy of some celebrity gossip magazine on the table. There was also a sharpie on the table. It was only natural that I spent the remainder of my break using the Sharpie to draw dicks on the cover of the celebrity gossip magazine. Anyone can draw a dick on a magazine cover and get a laugh out of it, but you have to be somewhat clever. You have to look at the celebrity’s expression and determine where to place the dick for maximum effectiveness. The illustrated penis doesn’t always have to be touching the celebrity’s face. Sometimes the celebrity is looking at a dick and sometimes they are trying to avoid looking at a dick. But you also don’t want to spend too much time drawing the dicks. You want it to be crude and badly drawn. You’re not making art, you’re vandalizing. It’s important to remember that.

Critically Rated at 12/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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June 19, 2014 · 10:18 am

Stone Enjoy By 07.04.14

Enjoy By 07.04.14 is a once-in-a-lifetime Double IPA from California’s Stone Brewing Company. It pours a clear and bright amber color with a nice foamy head with nice retention. It smells amazing. Lots of floral, citrus, and pine hops with a little malt aroma. It tastes like what you want from a Double IPA. It’s extremely hoppy with a dry malty backbone. I taste pine, resin, citrus, orange peel, and pepper. It’s hard to believe that it has a 9.4% ABV. I feel like I could drink it all day, but I would probably pass out after the fourth one. This beer creeps up on you. Be cautious because this brew has the power to make or break your night.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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June 18, 2014 · 10:37 pm

Slim Jim Maple Flavored Bacon Jerkey

Bacon is delicious. Jerky is delicious. It was inevitable that eventually the two superfoods would meet and create a delicious hybrid. I’ve been wanting to try bacon jerky for a while now and Slim Jim is an established presence on the dried meat market, so I figured I couldn’t go wrong. I opened the bag and took a deep whiff. I smelled the bacon, I smelled the sweet maple and the stale musk of jerky. I also smelled dog food… maybe Purina or Alpo, I’m not quite sure. But it was defiantely dog food. Oh well, I came to try bacon jerky, so I’m going to try bacon jerky damn it! Each piece looks like bacon, albeit the crumpled broken buffet table remnants leftover from a hungry breakfast crowd at a three star hotel. It smells like bacon, it looks like bacon, and it tastes like bacon. But it’s not bacon. It’s bacon jerky. Don’t get the two confused. It’s a little more jerky-like than bacon and more bacon-like than jerky. Try it and see for yourself. All in all, I’m not overly impressed with it but maybe that’s just because Slim Jim isn’t a gourmet brand per se. They are more in the beef stick business as opposed to jerky. This was a decent introduction to the world of bacon jerky, yet I’m sure other people make bacon jerky better and I’m determined to find them.

Critically Rated at 13/17

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Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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June 18, 2014 · 10:36 pm

Facing Money

I’m slightly OCD about a few things and facing money is one of them. I can’t stand a wad of crumpled bills in my pocket. I need more structure and organization that that. I need to have my cash sorted by denomination with all the portraits the right side up. When I unfold my cash you’re going to see in order Washington, Lincoln, Hamilton, Jackson, Grant, and Franklin if I had a good day at work. I respect money so it’s only logical that I face it. Plus facing money makes it easier to spend it and that’s the whole point of having cash anyway. Right? Please tell me I’m right.

Critically Rated at 9/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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June 17, 2014 · 10:04 am

Knee Scooter

I kind of want to break my ankle just so I can get one of those spiffy knee scooters (also referred to as knee walkers). They look like a fun way to be crippled. A knee scooter is a scooter with four wheels, a spot to rest your knee on, and they typically have a handlebar equipped with a handbrake as well. They allow you to be mobile when you only have one leg that can actually move. My downstairs neighbor has one right now and I see her scooting down the sidewalk at breakneck speed with her bag of groceries and not a care in the world. I don’t even think she has a leg injury, I think she just wants to cruise around town without being judged.

Critically Rated at 13/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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June 17, 2014 · 10:02 am

Titan A.E.

Titan A.E. is an animated sci-fi film set in a future where an alien attack has destroyed Earth and a band of human survivors trying to locate a spaceship called Titan, humanity’s last chance for recovery. The film combines computer graphics and hand-drawn animation and the end result is visually stunning. It was directed by Don Bluth and Gary Goldman (they also directed The Secret of NIMH and Anastasia), and Joss Whedon contributed to the screenplay (so you know that it’s going to be good). It has a pretty impressive voice cast as well, featuring Matt Damon, Bill Pullman, John Leguizamo, Ron Pearlman, Drew Barrymore, Nathan Lane, Janeane Garofalo, Jim Breur, and Tone Loc.

The film begins in the year 3028 when an alien race known as the Drej attack and destroy Earth. Luckily Professor Sam Tucker has been preparing for this, and he’s built a spaceship known as Titan to ensure humanity’s survival. He’s forced to abandon his young son, Cale, on an evacuation ship, and the two go their separate ways. The film then jumps ahead fifteen years, and Cale is working in a salvage yard in space somewhere. Humans are scattered across the galaxy and are considered a lesser species because they have no home of their own anymore.

Cale eventually encounters Captain Joseph Korso, another human and former friend of Cale’s father. Korso reveals that the ring that Cale wears is a genetically encoded map that will lead them to the Titan. Together they could save mankind. Cale joins Korso’s crew, which consists of Akima, his sexy female human pilot and a couple of aliens of various species named Gune, Stith, and Preed. Then it becomes a race to find the Titan before the Drej can catch them and kill them. Of course there are lots of action scenes, a few twists and shocking revelations, and character developments that you saw coming a mile away. But it’s all enjoyable.

This movie bombed when it came out, and I’m not sure why. It was a mix of bad marketing and confusing publicity. It was advertised as a kid’s film, but it’s more of an action-filled sci-fi that happens to be animated. And the animation is gorgeous. It looks and feels unlike any other space fantasy flick that I’ve seen. And the action sequences are nothing short of thrilling. This movie is underappreciated and unrespected but it’s become a cult classic to some, myself included.

Critically Rated at 13/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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June 16, 2014 · 10:02 am

Slanted Cup Holders

I went to a baseball game the other day. I saw the Yankees take on the A’s at Oakland Coliseum. I’m not a fan of either team, but I am a fan of baseball and it was my last chance to see Derek Jeter play so I had to go. And I had to buy a beer of course. It’s not a ballgame without a beer. So I bought a ten-dollar pint of Bud Light, made my way to my seat, sat down, and put my beer in the cup holder on the back of the seat in front of me. The cup holder was installed at an angle. It was tilted enough to cause a couple of ounces of liquid gold to slosh down the side of the cup onto the ground. I couldn’t help but scowl. Beer is always precious, but ballpark beer is even more of a commodity. Each drop you spill hurts. You see dollar signs flash in front of your eyes. It’s bad enough to bump into someone and spill a little, but it really sucks when you make it safely back to your seat and the cup holder is the thing responsible for losing your beer. A cup holder is supposed to prevent your drink from spilling. A slanted cup holder defeats the whole point of drink protection. It’s like wearing sunglasses without any lenses. It’s a product that fails at the one thing it’s designed to do. But I’d rather lose my eyesight than lose any beer. Slanted cup holders must be stopped.

Critically Rated at 5/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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June 16, 2014 · 10:01 am

Java Monster Mean Bean

Java Monster Mean Bean is an energy drink infused with coffee. Or maybe it’s coffee infused with an energy drink. All I know for sure is that it wakes me up in the morning, it makes me shake, and I think I’m developing a heart murmur. It tastes like iced coffee with cream and an excessive amount of sugar. There is no way that this beverage is beneficial to your health, but I still can’t stop drinking it. I like it. Not as much as Red Bull or a regular cup of coffee, but it’s a nice way to mix things up in the morning. I’m not a big fan of Monster energy drinks, but this one is enjoyable. It’s not as good as a Starbucks Doubleshot Espresso, but it gets the job done.

Critically Rated at 12/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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June 15, 2014 · 10:28 am

Seat Hopper

A seat hopper is a person who can’t sit in one spot for more than a few minutes. They are usually creepy old guys on the bus. I saw one the other day. I was on the bus going to work and the bus was about half full so there were plenty of available seats to choose from. An old Asian guy came on, glanced at all of the open seats, and chose the seat right next to me. He saw there for a minute or two, but then he got up at the next stop, moved across the aisle, and sat down next to a young college chick. I wondered if I caused him to move by neglecting to put on deodorant or something, until he got up at the next stop, moved back across the aisle, and sat down to the guy sitting right in front of me. A few stops later he got up and went to a different spot. It was around that time that I realized that he was just a weirdo with a penchant for seat hopping. I watched him move to three more seats before he finally got off. I can only assume that he went to find another bus to sit in more seats. I think that he’s harmless, but he’ll be my top suspect if I ever sit in anything sticky on the bus.

Critically Rated at 8/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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