Gluten-Free

I’ve been serving tables for about nine years now and I’ve noticed the increasing trend in people pretending to be gluten-free. That’s fucking bullshit. Jimmy Kimmel did a survey and he discovered that most people who claim to be gluten-free don’t even know what gluten is. It’s just hip to be gluten-free I guess. A few years ago everyone was doing the Atkins Diet because carbs were bad. Now anything associated with wheat is evil. I know approximately two people that are genuinely allergic to wheat. They’ve adapted to a world of Wheat Thins and Wonder Bread. They know what products contain wheat. They know what they can eat and what they can’t eat. All the people jumping aboard the Gluten-Free Bandwagon have no clue what they can eat or can’t eat. They only want to impress people by having picky eating habits. They just end up making servers go out of their way to accommodate them. You say you’re gluten-free? I’m going to slip you a crouton and see if you’re telling the truth. You should have an EpiPen if you’re really allergic.

Critically Rated at 2/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

Gluten free signal

Leave a comment

Filed under Random Rants

Fireside Chat (beer)

Fireside Chat is a winter spiced ale from 21st Amendment Brewery. 21st Amendment Brewery (also called 21A) is one of San Francisco’s best microbreweries and Fireside Chat is one of my favorite seasonals. The beer is named after Franklin Delano Roosevelt’s famous radio addresses. They even put a cheerful cartoon image of FDR sitting in front of a comfy fire. It’s an English-style brown ale brewed with spices. The aroma is of spice, cinnamon, raisin, coffee, cloves, and maybe a little vanilla. It tastes of sweet malt with allspice, cloves, cinnamon, figs, nutmeg, cocoa, vanilla, and coffee. It’s categorized as a Winter Warmer and that’s a great way to describe it. It’s perfect for those long, dark, cold winter nights that are soon to be in abundance. It also has a 7.9% alcohol content so you can stretch out a six pack with a friend. Get it, sip it, enjoy it.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

2930369.21stamendmentbrewery

Leave a comment

Filed under Drinks

Neighbors (film)

Neighbors is a 2014 comedy starring Seth Rogan and Zac Effron. It’s directed by Nicholas Stoller, the director of Forgetting Sarah Marshall and Get Him to the Greek. The film is about a young couple that gets into a rivalry with the frat house next door. Mac and Kelly Radner (Seth Rogan and Rose Byrne) have just bought their first house and have settled in with their infant daughter. They are trying to adapt to their new family lifestyle and seem to be adjusting nicely until the Delta Psi Beta fraternity moves in next door. The Radners introduce themselves to Teddy and Pete (Zac Effron and Dave Franco), the leaders of the frat. The Radners hesitantly ask if they could keep the noise down at night so their baby could sleep and Teddy agrees but asks that Radners call him personally if they are too loud and not to call the cops. A few nights later the frat is being loud and the Radners try calling Teddy, but Teddy won’t answer and the Radners end up calling the cops. The cops show up, the frat finds out it was them that called the cops, and they declare war on the Radners.

The rest of the film is a classic escalating prank war as both sides try to outwit each other. Delta Psi Beta starts to torment the Radners as the Radners try to find a way to get the fraternity kicked out of school by exploiting the university’s three strikes policy. Sometimes the frat is winning, sometimes the Radners are winning. Both sides fight amongst themselves as the stakes and tension rise. There are a lot of funny gags and great lines, and the movie is elevated because the cast is so likeable. Rogan and Byrne make for a great couple, and Zac Effron and Dave Franco are hilarious as well. Oh, and Christopher Mintz-Plasse is in it too. Any movie is automatically better if McLovin is in it. It’s a good movie, maybe not destined to be a classic, but it’s worth watching and you might catch yourself quoting it quite a bit.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

Neighbors-Movie

Leave a comment

Filed under Entertainment

Bundaberg Guava

Bundaberg Guava is a non-alcoholic guava flavored sparkling drink. Bundaberg is an Australian beverage company best known for its Ginger Beer. Apparently they have a whole lineup of brewed drinks they refer to as the Sparkling Selection. They have Lime, Pink Grapefruit, Passionfruit, Peachee, Blood Orange, and Guava. I saw a few different flavors at the store. I chose Guava. I don’t know why, it spoke to me. The first thing I noticed when I was about to drink it was the notice on the bottle that tells you to invert the bottle before you open it. I inverted the bottle. Then I opened it. It spilled everywhere. Just kidding, lol, I crack myself up. Where was I? Oh yeah, so I inverted the bottle, returned it to the upright position, and then opened it. I took a whiff and got the muted aroma of guava. You can definitely smell the guava, but it’s fainter than you’d expect it to be. It tastes like fizzy guava juice, only not as sweet as juice and more sweet than a guava-infused sparkling water. It has 39 grams of sugar, so it’s more like a soda than anything else. I like it. I approve. It tastes good enough to make me want to try the other flavors.

Critically Rated at 13/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

bundaberg-guava-u_cc4d53456c5293a7fa6ddc99b57b5012

Leave a comment

Filed under Drinks

Toasters

A toaster is a kitchen appliance that causes a chemical reaction capable of converting bread into toast using the miracle of science. It also has the capability to warm up bagels, Pop-Tarts, and Toaster Strudels. It can make fireworks and sparks if you drop a knife into it. Toasters are a pretty impressive piece of technology. They can do almost anything that involves heating up thin pieces of baked goods. They are versatile like that. Some toasters pop the toast up into the when it’s done toasting. Those are the fun toasters. All the other ones are lame.
Critically Rated at 12/17
Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

IMG_0136.JPG

Leave a comment

Filed under Random Rants

Michelle Williams

Michelle Williams was a member of one of the biggest female R&B groups of all. You know her songs but you don’t know her name. She was the other chick in Destiny’s Child. You definitely know Beyoncé. You might know Kelly Rowland. You totally forgot about Michelle Williams. It’s ok to admit it, she’s not that memorable. Beyoncé became Beyoncé. Kelly Rowland has had a little solo success. But Michelle Williams dropped off the face of the Earth. Wikipedia says she released a solo gospel album, but nobody listens to gospel so nobody heard it and nobody bought it. She’s not not even the most famous Michelle Williams anymore. The white actress is the one that pops up first when you Google her name. She’s been usurped.
Critically Rated at 8/17
Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

IMG_0135-0.JPG

Leave a comment

Filed under People I Feel Sorry For

Falkor

Falkor is a character from The NeverEnding Story. I never read the book but I grew up watching the first two NeverEnding Story movies, and that’s where I first met Falkor. He is a dragon, specifically a luckdragon. That means he’s a lucky dragon. He’s more similar in style to Oriental dragons as opposed to European-style dragons. He has an elongated body with a long shaggy coat and has the ability to fly. He looks kind of like a gigantic dog, but he’s not a dog. He’s a dragon. A luckdragon, remember? I always wanted Falkor to be real. In fact, that was my main wish growing up. Whenever I saw a shooting star, or blew out the candles on my birthday cake, or successfully held my breath for the length of the tunnel, my wish was always for Falkor. I realize now that I was being naïve. Falkor isn’t real and I wasted a lot of wishes.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

falcor 2

Leave a comment

Filed under Random Rants

The Wolverine (film)

Hugh Jackman returns to his iconic role as Logan/Wolverine in 2013’s The Wolverine. It’s directed by James Mangold, the same guy who wrote and directed Walk the Line. He knows how to make a dramatic, Oscar-worthy film. Too bad this is supposed to be an action flick and his directing style drags the film down. It’s a sequel of sorts to X-Men: The Last Stand and you get to see how Logan is handling the death of Jean Grey. The answer is not well. He’s living in the woods, keeps to himself, and dreams about Jean every night. He’s lost his way and has become a broken soldier. All this changes when a mutant precog named Yukio tracks Logan down and brings him to Japan.

It turns out Logan was summoned there by a guy named Yashida, a former Japanese soldier that Logan saved during World War II. Yashida is now the dying CEO of a huge company and he wants to pay his life debt to Logan before he succumbs to cancer. Yashida offers to transfer Logan’s healing abilities into his own body to alleviate him of the curse of immortality. Logan refuses and Yashida passes away. A few days later a few members of the Yakuza try to kidnap Yashida’s granddaughter, Mariko, at the funeral. Logan must protect Mariko and find out who tried to kidnap her and why. Only Logan must do it without his trademark healing abilities, which have mysteriously stopped working at that point.

It turns into your stereotypical chase/whodunit movie at that point. It’s like The Bourne Identity. A guy with superior fighting skills and a pretty girl on the run and hiding out from bad guys, they’re trying to solve a mystery and falling for each other at the same time. There’s a lot of unnecessarily sappy dialog and the dramatic scenes slow down the pace to a crawl. The film gets boring. And a film about mutants, particularly the most badass mutant, should never be boring. Having Logan lose his healing powers was a big mistake. It’s so pointless to have a superhero lose his powers. It doesn’t add any tension. You know that he’s going to get them back eventually.

The action scenes are decent, but I expected them to be a lot better. It doesn’t seem like an X-Men movie. There needs to be more spectacle. The best action sequence was the fight on top of the bullet train. The climactic battle was a bit of a let down as well. All in all this is an adequate action film, but a disappointing superhero film. It’s just kind of meh.

Critically Rated at 11/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

the-wolverine-poster

Leave a comment

Filed under Entertainment

Whale Watching

Wikipedia defines whale watching as “the practice of observing whales and dolphins (cetaceans) in their natural habitat.” That’s completely wrong because dolphins aren’t fucking whales. I learned that in the second grade. Whale watching is when you go out and observe whales and whales only. You can go dolphin watching somewhere else. Sometimes you can see whales from the land, but most of the time you go out on a boat and cruise around until you find some whales. You watch them breach the surface and spray water from their blowholes. You see them move their tails. Sometimes they jump completely out of the water if you’re lucky. Some people aren’t lucky, like my friend who recently went on a whale watching cruise. She didn’t see any whales. I wonder if that’s still considered whale watching. I don’t think it is. It’s not whale watching if you didn’t watch any whales. It’s just a boat ride at that point.

Critically Rated at 12/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

whale-watching-1

Leave a comment

Filed under Random Rants

Chickens in Golden Gate Park

I went to Golden Gate Park with a friend earlier today. Golden Gate Park is huge, you can walk around exploring all day and never be bored. And that’s what we did. We ventured off the sidewalk down unpaved paths and hidden trails. We stumbled upon small ponds and larger lakes. We saw lots of squirrels and ducks, but the most surprising thing we encountered was a couple of chickens. I managed to get a blurry photo of one. You can see the feathers of the other one in the background if you look hard enough. Don’t strain yourself though. I don’t know how two chickens ended up in Golden Gate Park. It must have something to do with eggs, but it’s kind of amazing that they manage to live in park in a major US city. Golden Gate Park is very diverse in its wildlife. They have coyotes, foxes, raccoons, cranes, quails, hawks, owls, and now they have chickens. Pretty random and pretty awesome.

Critically Rated at 13/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

10688313_10152331692585882_3263622207994971859_o

Leave a comment

Filed under Random Rants

The Dumbest Thing I Ever Bought

About six years ago I was making a ridiculous amount of money at work during a busy summer and went on a shopping spree. I bought a new cell phone, a bunch of clothes, a longboard, a MacBook and a pair of stilts for some reason. Those stilts were the dumbest thing I ever bought. In my defense, they are really cool stilts. They aren’t regular stilts like you see clowns using at the circus or the ones that Uncle Sam wears during Fourth of July parades. No, I got a pair of PowerStrider jumping stilts. Suddenly I had the ability to jump six feet into the air! I could take strides of nine feet! I could jump over cars! I could do ridiculous flips and tricks and slam dunk from the free throw line! But I only wore them twice, which was one more time than I needed to wear them before I realized that I made a big mistake and basically threw three hundred dollars down the drain. You can’t just throw jumping stilts on and become a superhero. You have to start from scratch and learn how to use them. And if you fuck up you will get fucked up. It kind of hurts when you fall down taking strides of nine feet and jumping six feet in the air. I’ve had those stupid stilts ever since. I’ve tried selling them a few times but nobody’s ever wanted to buy them (because nobody in their right mind wants to buy stilts). I don’t want to throw them away because I spent so much money on them. So they sit in my closet mocking me like my collection of losing lottery tickets. By the way, you should let me know if you want a pair of jumping stilts for a reasonable price.

Critically Rated at 3/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

Leave a comment

Filed under Random Rants

Jack Link’s Sasquatch XXL Hot

Jack Link’s Sasquatch XXL Hot is a spicy snack stick. Jack Link’s also make an Original and a Mild, but I chose the Hot because it’s go big or go home. It’s called XXL because it’s bigger than most other meat sticks like Slim Jim, etc. I don’t know why they call it Sasquatch because there’s no sasquatch in it. It’s 2.2 ounces of beef, mechanically separated chicken, water, salt, corn syrup, spices (they don’t say what kind of spices), dextrose, soy protein isolate (yummy), flavoring (they don’t say what kind of flavoring. Meat flavoring I’m guessing), rice bran, fructose, molasses powder, hydrolyzed corn/soy/wheat protein, paprika extracts, smoke flavor, lactic acid starter culture (what the fuck does that mean?), sodium nitrate, and soy bean oil. Doesn’t that sound appetizing?

I kind of wish that I didn’t read what was in it before I opened it. It looks processed and greasy and it smells how it looks. The thick skin gives it a little crunch and texture and the filling is kind of mushy. The spiciness kicks in a after a few bites and gets more intense after you swallow it. The spiciness lingers for a while too so make sure you have something to drink with it. I actually like it. It goes great with a couple of brews and the game on. Real jerky is always better but sometimes you feel like a processed snack stick.

Critically Rated at 13/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

hot_squatch_xxl_new__83702c

Leave a comment

Filed under Snacks

OK Go

OK Go is an American alternative rock band known for their catchy songs and awesome music videos. Their music videos are what really set them apart, gaining popularity not just on MTV but on YouTube especially. They released a few music videos online but they really blew up with the video for “Here It Goes Again” in which they performed a tightly choreographed dance on treadmills. They released a few other awesome videos incorporating everything from stop motion to trained dogs to elaborate Rube Goldberg machines. Their new video for “I Won’t Let You Down” might just be their most creative video yet. I’ve watched a few times and still can’t figure out how they did it. It’s starts out simple and gets bigger and bigger and bigger until you can’t comprehend the complexity of it all. It seems like it’s done all in one take but there’s no way in Hell that anyone could do that. There has to be green screens and CG and advanced robots involved. I don’t even know how they came up with the idea for the video. Words can’t describe it. You just have to watch it.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

Leave a comment

Filed under Entertainment

Jordan Rides the Bus (documentary)

Jordan Rides the Bus is another entry in ESPN’s 30 for 30 series. It’s an interesting documentary that explores what happened when NBA legend Michael Jordan retired from basketball at the height of his popularity to give professional baseball a shot. Director Ron Shelton examines the reasons why Michael left one game for another and shows the struggles and triumphs of Michael’s stint in the Minor Leagues. Basically he stinks in the beginning, puts a lot of effort into getting better, he improves a little bit, and then he went back to playing in the NBA. Sorry for the spoilers but you should already know that.

Michael Jordan has been considered the best basketball player of all time and his attempt at playing baseball has often been considered a punchline. This documentary makes you realize that it wasn’t a joke. The guy really wanted to be a baseball player. He sucked but that’s beside the point. The point is that he tried. He doesn’t regret anything in the end. His time in the bush league took him from the top of the pedestal to the bottom, he learned some humility, and he became a better person and teammate when he triumphantly returned to the NBA.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

Leave a comment

Filed under Entertainment

Dynasty

The San Francisco Giants won the 2014 World Series. They also won the 2012 World Series. And before that they won the 2010 World Series. That’s three World Series in five years in case you’re not paying attention. That’s a dynasty. Only a lot of people disagree with that. Those people are mostly on the East Coast and they are extremely biased. They would have no problem calling it a dynasty if the New York Yankees did it. The Giants did it with the same core group of guys in an era when rosters change dramatically from season to season. Bruce Bochy, Madison Bumgarner, Buster Posey, Pablo Sandoval, Tim Lincecum, Jeremy Affeldt, Santiago Casilla, Javier Lopez, and Sergio Romo (and Matt Cain sort of) all have three rings with this team. A bunch of others now have two. A handful of them got their first ones. In 2016 they will get another if the trend keeps up.

The Giants are often overlooked and underrated. The Dodgers and Yankees get all the attention and publicity because of their marquee players and enormous payroll. But it takes a team to win the World Series and the Giants play as a team in every sense of the word. They pick each other up, they support each other, and they play for each other. It seems like there’s a different hero every game. They play for the name of the front of the jersey, not the name on the back and every single player on that roster will tell you that. They believe that there’s something special happening in San Francisco. And three World Series in five years proves that there is. Let’s call it what it is. It’s a dynasty.

Critically Rated at 17/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

920x920

Leave a comment

Filed under Random Rants

Old Person Falling

One of the saddest things you can ever witness is an old person falling. When I was eleven years old my grandma was reaching for something on her dresser and she fell out of her wheelchair. I was the only other one home at the time and wasn’t strong enough to lift her up. She had to stay sprawled out on the floor while I went next door to find a neighbor to help. The worst part is how embarrassed she was. She was completely helpless and she knew it. It’s gut-wrenching to live your whole life independently and suddenly becoming reliant on other people. All you can do when an old person falls is to help them and hope they aren’t hurt. Their pride is always damaged. Treat them with dignity and respect while you console them. You could be the one lying on the floor someday.

Critically Rated at 4/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

360_fallen_elderly_0522

Leave a comment

Filed under People I Feel Sorry For

Wilhelm Scream

The Wilhelm scream is one of the most famous sound effects in cinema and television. You’ve heard it hundreds of times even if you haven’t been aware of it. Have you seen any Star Wars or Indiana Jones movies? You’ve heard it. A fan of Tarantino flicks? You’ve heard it. Watched any of the Lord of the Rings and/or The Hobbit films? You’ve heard it. It first appeared in 1951’s Distant Drums and later became a stock sound effect. It was later renamed after 1953’s The Charge at Feather River when a character called Private Wilhelm gets shot with an arrow. It became a Hollywood fixture when sound designer Ben Burtt rediscovered it and put it in Star Wars. Other sound designers picked up on it and inserted it into their films as an in-joke. Once you’re heard the distinctive scream it becomes impossible to forget. It puts a smile on your face whenever you’re watching the latest blockbuster and it pops up. You can’t escape it once you’re aware of it.

Critically Rated at 13/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

Leave a comment

Filed under Entertainment