I’m not afraid of spiders. I don’t want them crawling on me or biting me or anything, but I’m not arachnophobic. My spellcheck says arachnophobic isn’t a word, but it should be. Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah, I’m not scared of spiders. But walking into a spider web is one of the worst feelings in the world. It’s a creepy feeling to get touched by something invisible. You can’t see what’s attacking you; you just feel little ghost strands clinging to your skin.
Critically Rated at 4/17
Filed under Random Rants
Firefly is one of the best TV shows of all time. Never mind the fact that it didn’t escape its first season, that just means it never got the chance to jump the shark. Firefly is about nine different people looking out into the void of space and seeing nine different things. Creator Joss Whedon takes us to a universe where mankind has escaped to the skies to escape overcrowding, transforming and terraforming new planets for habitation. China and the US were the two superpowers, and the two cultures merged together. So Firefly is your basic space western with eastern flavor to spice it up. Nathan Fillion stars as Malcolm Reynolds, the captain of Firefly-class spaceship Serenity, who leads a loyal crew and a group of passengers of various adventures around the outskirts of space doing odd jobs, which may not be entirely legal.
At first glance, Firefly seems like your standard slice of sci-fi. There are spaceships, advanced technology, crazy weapons, new phrases… but then you start to realize that it’s very different from most science fiction shows. There are no aliens for starters. It as much a sci-fi show as it is a western. That might seem like two clashing ideas but Han Solo is a fucking cowboy. It is a human drama that relies on the chemistry between the characters and the cast.
A good cast will make or break a show. A show like Lost can go off the deep end and start involving time travel and purgatory, but if they have likeable and relatable characters people will come back each week.
Nathan Fillion stars as Captain Malcolm Reynolds, a former sergeant for a losing army in a civil war. He resents the Alliance, the current government for beating him in the fight for independence. He is honorable and has good intentions, but will fight dirty if he needs to.
Gina Torres plays Zoe, the first mate. She fought alongside Mal as a Browncoat and his been loyal to him ever since. She is fierce, ferocious, and a great fighter. She is married to Wash (Alan Tudyk), the pilot of Serenity. He is kind of a coward, and naturally serves as comic relief. Adam Baldwin plays Jayne Cobb. He is basically a mercenary that currently works for Mal, but he would sell him out if the price is right. Rounding out the main crew is Kaylee (Jewel Staite) the ship’s mechanic and the heart and soul of Serenity. She is sweet and innocent, and if she is in trouble than the ship is in trouble.
Malcolm Reynolds and his crew do random heists and various illegal activities to pay the bills and keep Serenity in the sky. Occasionally they pick up passengers for legitimacy. One passenger is Inara Serra (played by Morena Baccarin), who works as a companion. Companions are legal prostitutes, and in the future they are respectable. Inara and Malcolm have a little chemistry but they rarely act on it.
In the pilot episode, they pick up a few new additions to the passenger list. Ron Glass plays Book, a Shepherd (a priest or pastor), with a shady past who knows way more about crime and criminals than he should. Also jumping on board is Simon Tam (Sean Maher), a brilliant doctor whose main concern is his younger sister. Summer Glau plays River Tam, Simon’s sister and the main reason for Serenity to keep evading the Alliance. She has a much higher IQ than her genius brother, which he describes as making him seem idiotic. So she is really smart. She is also really crazy. The Alliance fucked with her head and turned her into a human weapon that’s way beyond Jason Bourne.
The crew stumbles their way around the galaxy, meeting new people and doing crazy things. They make enemies and become heroes more than once. The crew fights amongst each other, they bond, they become friends, and they become family. And you get to know each character and what they represent.
The best episode of the entire series is Out of Gas. They use a non-linear structure that flashes between the current perilous storyline of Mal with the history of the crew and how they all came to join Serenity. This one episode sums up the entire series.
I have a crazy theory that Malcolm dies in Out of Gas. The next episode, Ariel, they do an elaborate Hollywood style heist that seems out of place for the show. Shepherd Book is inexplicably absent, there’s no religious influence and we know that Mal is an atheist. They suddenly start to reuse characters that appeared once and suddenly come back, in this case the mysterious Two by Two, Hands of Blue guys. The episode after that, War Stories, brings back another character, the evil crime lord Niska, who comes back and captures Mal and tortures him to death before reviving him and telling him, “You died, Mr. Reynolds.”
The episode after that, Trash, brings back Saffron, another character from one episode. In a universe with countless worlds to explore, Malcolm keeps running into key figures from his past. Maybe he’s dead and is holding onto his memories, trying to keep from slipping into the void.
Firefly is a great show. I can geek out and talk about it for hours if someone would let me. Joss Whedon created a fully realized universe, oftentimes fantastic, but always relatable. You recognize the characters and their problems. They just happen to be living on a spaceship in the future.
Critically Rated at 16/17
Filed under Entertainment
You’re in a little bit of a rush. You woke up late and realized you should have left ten minutes ago. That sudden shock of realization is more effective than a shower and you jump out of bed and start getting dressed and gathering your things. You grab your wallet, keys, and bag and run out the door. About three minutes into your commute you realize that you don’t have your phone. You feel naked. You feel lost. Leaving home without your phone is like forgetting to put on pants. You shouldn’t even have to think about it, your phone should always be on you at all times. And now you don’t have it and you cant check the time or Facebook or listen to music. Life can be so unfair sometimes.
Critically Rated at 5/17
Filed under Random Rants
Back in the days before text messaging and cell phones, all the cool kids were rocking pagers. Pagers are little electronic devices used for communication. You simply call up the pager number of the person you’re trying to reach and you would write the phone number where they can call you back. If it was a really important message you would add 911 to the end of it.
Most pagers or beepers could only display numerical message like a phone number. It wasn’t longer before some nerds started realizing that you could use the numbers to write out messages. I imagine it started out as a simple joke, maybe one geek texted 80085 to his friend and they realized that numbers could double as crude letters. Some letters are obvious: a 0 is an “O”, a 1 is an “I”. Some letters were created by using multiple numbers: 12 is an “R”, 17 is an “N”, and 177 is an “M”, etc.
Some common phrases like “I love you” had assigned numbers. “I love you” became 143. “I” is one letter, “love” is four letters, and “you” is three letters.
Pager Code wasn’t set in stone. There would be subtle differences between different regions. Pager code was a fad, it was cumbersome to write and difficult to decipher. You could spend a lot of time trying to figure out that 373948177 is “elephant”. I don’t know why you would be paging someone about an elephant, but it probably happened.
I spent a good three months trying to learn pager code back in the day and I was pretty proficient at it. Now it’s like being skilled in Latin, it’s an impressive language but no one uses it anymore. 74875 580. That’s sad.
Critically Rated at 4/17
Filed under Random Rants
I have a pretty set schedule, but every once in a while I have to wake up early for some lame reason or another. Waking up an hour or two earlier is not a big deal, but for whatever reason I never go to bed an hour or two earlier the night before to compensate. Most of the time I stay up even later than I normally would. Maybe I’m trying to sabotage myself. Staying up late even though you have to wake up early is a common occurrence; on some level we are all gluttons for punishment.
Critically Rated at 7/17
Filed under Random Rants
Hollywood has a thing for unnecessary reboots and remakes of popular franchises. So I was more than a little doubtful about seeing a new Spider-Man movie with a new cast and director. I thought it would just be another origin story about Peter Parker’s transformation into Spider-Man. Marc Webb made an already established franchise seem new and fresh, and Andrew Garfield plays a great Peter Parker.
Garfield’s Parker is not a loser, he’s shy, kind of quiet, but he rocks a skateboard and wears contacts. He gets picked on by a bully named Flash Thompson, but Flash is an asshole and no one else bullies Peter. He’s a regular kid (smarter than average), and that’s what makes his transformation more exciting.
Peter gets bitten by a magic spider and he gets spider-like powers. One inevitable day, his beloved Uncle Ben (Martin Sheen) tries to stop a robber and gets shot and dies on the street. Peter uses his new abilities to try to track down his uncle’s killer. He goes around dark alleys and streets, searching for his uncle’s killer and attacking anyone who matches his description.
He eventually starts wearing a mask, and later a spiffy spandex spidey suit. He also wears some artificial web shooters and he becomes an icon around the city. He gets more confident and asks out his crush, the beautiful and smart Gwen Stacy (Emma Stone). Her dad is the chief of police and thinks that Spider-Man is a dangerous vigilante who needs to be stopped.
While Peter is busy playing hero and fighting crime and saving people, Dr. Curt Connors (Rhys Ifans) is busy trying to regrow his stump of an arm and turns himself into a giant lizard and goes on a rampage. Peter is able to figure out that Connors is the Lizard, and that Connors wants to improve humanity by turning them all into lizard monsters. Peter has to stop him because he has the power to stop him.
Then there’s an exciting climax where Spidey fights the Lizard and things break and people die. Then they resolve some unresolved plot issues and drop some hints about the sequel and you leave the theater feeling content.
The movie is called The Amazing Spider-Man. It should really be called the Amazing Peter Parker. There is a lot of emphasis on the man under the mask. He takes off his mask to save a kid, when he’s fighting the lizard in the school, and when he pleads to Chief Stacy to let him stop the lizard. The Spider-Man suit is just a costume, it doesn’t make Peter a hero. Peter is already a hero. Before Peter even gets bitten, he stops a bully from picking on a kid, and gets his ass beat as a result. He was a hero way before the spandex.
When you watch this movie, you can’t help but compare it to Sam Raimi’s Spider-Man. Raimi’s version is campy, it’s childish, it’s like the ‘60s Batman TV show. Marc Webb’s Amazing Spider-Man is more realistic; it’s more like Christopher Nolan’s Batman movies, just not as dark. Spider-Man is a fun character, he says witty things and wears a colorful suit and wants to be in the spotlight, not in the shadows.
Marc Webb is a great director. He creates genuinely emotional moments between the characters, and he is also able to create amazing and inspiring action sequences. When Uncle Ben dies, he pretty much just lies on the ground and is gone. There are no sentimental last words of advice, no “With great power comes great responsibility” hoopla.
Emma Stone and Andrew Garfield have a great dynamic. They play off each other well. They have a lot of memorable moments, like when he asked her out with out asking her out, how he revealed he was Spider-Man to her, and how he gets her back in the end with a subtle whispered comment in class.
The movie does a lot to establish itself as the foundation for a new series. A large amount of the movie takes place at OsCorp. Dr. Connors is working for the mysterious Norman Osborn, who you never see but often hear about. Peter never catches his uncle’s killer. You find out that there’s more to the deaths of Peter’s parents than what was revealed.
Spider-Man 2 used to be one of my favorite comic book movies. The Amazing Spider-Man just usurped that spot I think. It’s the best Spider-Man movie, without a doubt. Go see it and agree with me.
Critically Rated at 16/17
Filed under Entertainment
I hate math. I hated math class. I hated all those algebra and calculus formulas that I had to learn and never used once in the real world. The only math you need is basic math… adding, subtracting, multiplying, and dividing. Doing math in your head is an important skill, and one to be proud of. You will always remember the first time you divided 47.63 by 2 successfully. The problem with doing math in my head is that I usually have to bust out my phone to use the calculator to double check my answer. I probably should have just used the calculator in the first place to save time, but I wanted to challenge myself and pretend I’m smart.
Critically Rated at 6/17
Filed under Random Rants
I play the lottery. You can’t win if you don’t play. I play, but I don’t win. I put $5 on Mega Millions and $5 on Super Lotto twice a week. I’ve done it for that last few years. I keep all my losing stubs, partially because I’m a hoarder, partially to remind myself how dumb I am. Using basic math, I can tell you that I’ve spent $5200 on lottery tickets and I’ve won maybe $400. Not a lump sum either, I’m talking about $400 total over five years winning $1-$15 at a time. I’ve never made over $20 from one ticket. I keep telling myself I’m due, so I keep on playing. And I keep on losing. I only need to win once though.
Critically Rated at 7/17
Broken dreams
Filed under People I Feel Sorry For
The fourth day of the seventh month of the year is just another day for most of the world. For Americans, the fourth day of July is Independence Day, the annual birthday of freedom. And we celebrate with hot dogs, beer, and fireworks. For most Americans, it’s just an excuse to barbeque and hang out in backyards. The best way to celebrate America’s birthday is to blow things up. Every Fourth of July, thousands of cities across the nation try to destroy the sky with an aerial bombardment of bright colors and misshapen smiley faces.
The Fourth of July is a holiday because Americans are stupid. Before the Declaration of Independence there was this thing called the resolution of independence or the Lee Resolution. On June 7, 1776, a Virginian named Richard Lee proposed that colonies should break away from the English. On June 11, 1776, A Committee of Five (Roger Sherman, Robert Livingston, John Adams, Thomas Jefferson, and Benjamin Franklin) got together to prepare a document detailing why they wanted independence. Only July 2, 1776 we officially declared our independence. On July 4, 1776, Congress approved the wording of the Declaration of Independence. August 2, 1776 is when most people signed the document and the last guy signed it on November 4, 1776.
That’s kind of a watered down version of what happened, but of all those dates, July 4th seems the least likely option to become our Independence Day. John Adams thought that July 2nd would be the day we celebrated our freedom. All he did was help write the Declaration and become our first president after George Washington… what the fuck does he know about American patriotism?
So the Fourth of July is not when we declared our independence, it’s when we finished writing a note to Mom and Dad a letter saying that we were moving out. But then we didn’t sign it until a month later. Most of the world ignores the Fourth of July, and maybe we should too. Because July 2nd seems like a much more logical choice. So does August 2nd. So does June 7th or 11th. Whatever.
The spirit of this holiday is perhaps best captured by Bill Pullman in his greatest performance yet.
The Fourth of July is our Independence Day. I just don’t know why. But I’m a sheep and will go along with it like everyone else. Happy Birthday, America! Now where’s the booze?
Critically Rated at 14/17
Filed under Random Rants
My name is Brendan. It’s not Brandon. They might seem similar, but I can tell the difference between the two. They sound completely different. It’s a blessing and a curse to have a name that is not what most people are used to. You can tell who your real friends are… if they can’t say your name right, than they don’t know your name, so you don’t feel entitled to do them any favors.
Pronouncing a name wrong is a bad as calling someone by the wrong name. So is spelling a name wrong. There’s a huge difference between John and Jon, between Shaun and Sean. You either know my name or you don’t. If you don’t, don’t expect anything from me, especially if I’ve known you for a while and you can’t say my fucking name.
Learning someone’s name is half the battle, saying it right wins the war. Just ask anyone named Tara.
Critically Rated at 9/17
Filed under Random Rants
A pipe is a piece of art. You can look at it and admire its color and shape, its use of space, the way it catches the light. It’s beautiful. It’s also fragile and you smoke out of it. And if you smoke too much you might be clumsy and drop that shit. And it will break and you will be sad. Breaking a piece is inevitable; if you use it you will break it, because your stoney self isn’t as agile as you think.
Some pieces will last a long time. I had a pipe that I got for my 21st birthday that I broke a few days after my 27th birthday. 6 years for a pipe is pretty impressive. My pipe was there when Obama was elected… it lasted longer than Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise’s marriage. I would have been devastated when I broke it, but I was high. The only good thing about breaking a piece is that you get to buy another.
Critically Rated at 7/17
Filed under 420
V for Vendetta is one of those comics that transcends comics and gets accepted as genuine literature. Alan Moore’s story is about a masked vigilante who rebels against the oppressive dictatorship that the UK has become. And he wears a Guy Fawkes mask because you have to look cool if you’re going to fight the government.
The story is set in the UK a few years after a nuclear war. Society collapsed and a group called the Norsefire takes advantage of the chaos and establishes itself as the new government in charge. If you are trying to assume total control, it’s only natural that you would eliminate your enemies or any threats against you, and so the Norsefire purged the UK of foreign immigrants, left-wing liberals, homosexuals and put them in concentration camps.
Only one prisoner managed to escape and he decides he wants a little revenge. He dons a cloak and a Guy Fawkes mask, and has an unnatural obsession with the letter V and the number five. In the beginning of the comic, our masked vigilante saves a young girl named Evey from a sticky situation. He takes her to his underground lair and begins teaching her how to become free, while showing off his bombing abilities and literary prowess.
It soon becomes clear to the Norsefire that they have a terrorist on their hands and they have to stop him. Eric Finch, the head of The Nose (the police force) , is assigned to track down V. We start to see how the party works. We meet the Leader, a shut-in named Adam Susan, who spends all day with his beloved computer system, Fate. There’s also The Finger (the secret police), The Eye (the visual surveillance branch), The Ear (the audio surveillance branch), and The Mouth (in charge of propaganda).
V starts killing a bunch of seemingly random people with ties to the party. Finch discovers a link between the victims – they all worked at a concentration camp. He finds a diary from one of V’s victims and learns about a mysterious prisoner known as the Man from Room Five because he was locked in a room with a roman numeral V on the door. The Man from Room Five escaped the camp using improvised explosives and vanished into the night. Finch deduces that this prisoner became the masked vigilante. He just has no idea who his true identity is.
V continues wreaking havoc on the Norsefire of the next few months and years, all the while continuing to teach Evey how to be free and what it means to be free. While V is terrorizing the party, the party is becoming divided and there’s a lot of bickering and backstabbing and attempts to seize power. V’s continued assaults on the party makes the oppressed masses start to stir and fight back. The party must try to deal with a potential political uprising in addition to warding off V’s victories.
Finch goes a little off the deep end and starts to think like V. He figures out where V’s hideout is and confronts him He wounds V mortally and V ends up dying in Evey’s arms. She doesn’t unmask him, she instead decides to don the cloak and the mask and assume his role. His ideas will live on through her, he lives on as a symbol.
V is one of the most unusual characters in comic history. You never see his face, you never learn his identity. And neither do any of the other characters. V could be a hero, he could be a villain. He could be sane, he could be totally crazy. He’s a little bit of everything, and he’s always an enigma.
Alan Moore’s depiction of dystopia is very reminiscent of Nineteen Eighty-Four. David Lloyd’s fantastic illustrations are perfect for this story. Although some events are over-the-top, the artwork keeps everything grounded in reality. It makes everything seem not just possible but inevitable. The art and the story are perfect compliments of each other.
If you liked Nineteen Eighty-Four or Fahrenheit 451 but wish there was more violence and nudity and a masked vigilante, you would probably like this comic. They made a film version that doesn’t really translate well, but it has Natalie Portman in it and she’s nice to look at. It’s not a terrible movie, but it sucks compared to the comic. This is a good comic, it’s a smart comic, and it’s an important comic.
Critically Rated at 14/17
Filed under Entertainment
Nutella is a delicious chocolate hazelnut spread. It’s great on crepes and on waffles and for supporting broken refrigerator shelves. There’s a broken shelf in my fridge that can’t support any weight. I had a brilliant MacGyver moment and grabbed a jar of Nutella to hold up the shelf. Loadbearing Nutella is delicious and practical, and works best when teamed up with a neglected can of salmon.
Critically Rated at 9/17
loadbearing nutella
Filed under Snacks
Harrison Ford dons the famous fedora for the third time in Indian Jones and the Last Crusade. This isn’t the best film in the franchise, but it’s the best sequel in the series for sure. Sean Connery joins the cast as Indy’s kidnapped father. Who better to play Indy’s dad than motherfucking James Bond?
This movie opens with River Phoenix portraying a 13-year-old Indiana Jones on a horseback ride in Utah. He comes across some thieves trying to steal a gold cross. He decides that the cross belongs in a museum so he steals it and tries to escape. It’s brief scene that seems like a precursor to the Young Indiana Jones Chronicles and you find out how he got his trademark scar, whip, and fedora. It’s a great way to start the film, and it’s way more relevant than an extravagant musical number.
One day, Indiana Jones meets a guy named Walter Donovan (Julian Glover) who tells him that his dad has been kidnapped while looking for the Holy Grail. Indy doesn’t get along with his father, but he’s still his dad so he goes to rescue him, armed with his trusty whip and his father’s diary. Indy goes to Venice to pick up his dad’s trail and meets Dr. Elsa Schneider (Alison Doody), the love interest for the film.
Indy and Elsa have a little adventure exploring the catacombs and nearly getting killed by The Brotherhood of the Cruciform Sword, a secret society that protects the Holy Grail. The Brotherhood decides that Indy is a swell guy and tells him that the Nazis have his father held hostage in a castle.
Indy goes to the castle and finds his dad, and then he finds out that both Elsa and Walter Donovan are working for the Nazis. Indy and his dad escape and overcome a bunch of obstacles like motorcycles and blimps and tanks, all while attempting to beat the Nazis to tracking down the Grail.
They reach the canyon where the Grail is, but the Nazis are already there. Donovan shoots Sean Connery, forcing Indy to have to navigate through a few crazy booby traps using the information in his dad’s diary. Indy gets to the Grail and is able to use its healing powers to save his dad. But then Elsa takes the Grail past the great seal (that’s like crossing the streams, it’s bad), and the whole canyon/temple thing starts to collapse. Sometimes I wish Indy stayed in that temple… if he died they couldn’t have made Kingdom of the Crystal Skull.
The father-son dynamic between Henry Jones, Sr. and Henry Jones, Jr. is what makes the film. Indy just wants his dad’s approval, but Henry makes him work for his affection. He loves his son, he just doesn’t know how to convey it. Indy uses his fists and violence to escape situations, and his dad tends to use his wits, best exemplified when he uses his umbrellas to scare the birds and bring down the Nazi plane.
It seems like they figured out who Indiana Jones is and what he represents. This movie is much more like the original than Temple of Doom. There are a lot of great moments in this movie. At one point Indy comes face to face with Adolf Hitler. Indiana Jones was hanging out with world leaders way before Forrest Gump made it cliché. This is a good movie and a great way to end the trilogy. Too bad it’s not a trilogy anymore.
Critically Rated at 14/17
Filed under Entertainment
Fighting crime is not easy. Just ask Batman or any cop and they will tell you the same. Fighting crime with a sore ankle is one of the hardest things you can do. A crime fighter must be able to run, jump, pivot, and kick at a moment’s notice, and that becomes hard to do if your ankle isn’t 100%. If you’ve ever sprained or twisted your ankle, you know how much it hurts. Imagine fighting crime with that kind of pain. I’m pretty sure that the criminals would get away. Technically, I’ve never actually fought crime personally, but I rolled my ankle a few weeks ago so I know how it is.
Critically Rated at 8/17
Filed under Random Rants
The 2012 Olympic Games are quickly approaching and the Olympic Trials have started. Athletes from all around the world are competing amongst each other for the chance to represent their country. Every athlete dreams of winning a gold medal, but before you get the chance to compete you have to qualify. Years and years of training and personal sacrifices depend on how well you perform… all the hardships you endured could be worth it, or you could have wasted your entire life.
I’m from America, so naturally I’ve been watching the U.S. Olympic Trials. I’ve only seen a handful of events like women’s field hockey, diving, and gymnastics. It’s not a lot of events, but it’s enough to start to catch Olympic fever. You start to hear the stories of the athletes and what they’ve gone through, both physically and mentally, to reach the point where they are now. I love when they show the parents and family members of athletes, seeing them laugh and cry with each success and setback. The drama is as real as it gets. You give up your life and your youth for the chance to compete and the slightest mistake can ruin your career.
Seeing an athlete overcome the fatigue and pressure and rise to the occasion and achieve their dream is inspirational. And it makes you feel lazy for sitting on the couch and watching a kid accomplish something that you will never experience. But good for him. I’m not bitter.
Watching a champion doing what he does is cool and all, but nothing is an inspiring as an athlete who falls down and gets right back up. It’s inspiring. It’s why people compete. You don’t have to get a medal to be a winner. The whole point of the Olympics is to represent your country and wear your colors with dignity, pride, and honor. If Cool Runnings taught us anything, it’s that losers can be heroes.
Making the Olympic team is like buying a lottery ticket. You can’t win the jackpot unless you buy a ticket and you can’t win the gold if you don’t qualify. And just because you qualify doesn’t mean you will win. I buy a lot of lottery tickets and I never won the jackpot. And a lot of people have qualified for the Olympics and never won a medal. I don’t know why I’m comparing a game of random luck to an event that relies on skill that occurs every four years, but I am. And you are reading it, so what does that say about you?
The Summer Games are way better than the Winter Games. No offense to all you bobsled fans.
Critically Rated at 14/17
Filed under Entertainment
Gleeking has nothing to do with a cult TV show about singing high school kids. Gleeking is when you project saliva from underneath your tongue. It usually happens randomly, but I know some people who can do it at will. I can’t gleek on demand, it seems to only happen when I’m talking to a hot chick. If you accidently gleek on someone, just ignore it and pretend like nothing happened. Most people will act like they didn’t get gleeked on because they assume that you didn’t mean to spit on them.
Critically Rated at 6/17
Filed under Random Rants
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