November 18, 2012 · 9:44 am

# Sign

If you’ve ever looked at a pencil, a phone, or a Twitter post, you have seen the # sign. On a pencil it’s a number sign. On a phone it’s a pound sign. On Twitter it’s a hash tag. So what do you call an isolated # sign? Number, pound, or hash? The answer is D): None of the above. It’s called an octothorp (or octothorpe). Back in the day, a thorpe was a village. Lazy mapmakers would use the # sign to indicate a village surrounded by 8 fields. Over the centuries, different uses for the symbol resulted in different names. In this technological age, it’s been relegated to being the hash tag symbol. But on playgrounds around the world, the # sign is still the preferred way to play Tic-Tac-Toe. #Octothorp. #BringingItBack.

Critically Rated at 12/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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November 18, 2012 · 9:41 am

The Slowest Cashier

You run into the store for a bottle of water. You’re in kind of a rush, so you just want to grab the bottle, pay, and get out. But the universe has other plans. You grab a bottle and head to the cashier and are dismayed to see one cashier and five people waiting in line. Not only is there only one cashier, it’s the slowest cashier. Of all time. This guy doesn’t even seem familiar with a twenty-dollar bill. He can’t bag your purchases. He can’t run credit cards without calling his manager for assistance. You stand in line, you pout and sigh and check your phone every 5 seconds, but the line isn’t moving. I know that patience is a virtue, but this is malarkey.

Critically Rated at 4/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed By Brendan H. Young

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November 17, 2012 · 10:29 am

First Gray Hair

I woke up the other morning and trudged my way to the bathroom to take a piss and brush my teeth. As I stood half-asleep gazing at my reflection, something caught my eye. A flash of white in the midst of my dark brown hair. I grabbed some tweezers and plucked out a tuft of hair in the offending area. There it was, a single strand of gray hair surrounded by its youthful fellow follicles. Life is full of accomplishments: learning to walk, learning to talk, first day of school, losing your first tooth, puberty, etc. Your first gray hair is not an accomplishment. It’s a reminder that you are going to die. Growing up, you assume that you are immortal, but then you see your first gray hair and reality slaps you in the face. You are getting older and older, and each heartbeat is one closer to death. Try not to dwell on it and have a nice day.

Critically Rated at 3/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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November 17, 2012 · 10:25 am

Calling Shotgun

You’re hanging out with a few friends and it’s time to go to lunch. Steve volunteers to drive and your gang starts to head to his car. The closer you get to the car, the more tension is rising between you and the other passengers. Someone is going to be riding shotgun, and everyone else has to sit in the back. It’s just a matter of seeing who says “shotgun” first. The only universal rule to calling shotgun is that you have to visibly see the car in order to claim the front seat. Blind people are terrible at this part. The first one to call shotgun gets to ride in the front seat. Riding shotgun is legit. You are the co-pilot. You get all the perks of being in the driver’s seat without being responsible for anyone’s life. You have a great view, your own door, your own window that is capable of rolling all the way down, you even have access to the radio and can DJ for the car ride. And the legroom, my god, so much legroom.

Critically Rated at 15/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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November 16, 2012 · 10:31 am

A Pencil Sharpener That Doesn’t Sharpen

People use pencils because people make mistakes. You can simply erase away all evidence of your terrible spelling. The best kind of pencil is a sharpened pencil. Nobody likes a dull pencil, that’s boring (possibly the most clever pun of all time).  The best way to get a sharp pencil is to use a pencil sharpener (or a mechanical pencil, but that’s beside the point. Damn, there’s another pun). There are some shoddy pencil sharpeners out there. You stick in the pencil, you twist it, it looks ok, but then the tip breaks off as soon as you put pressure on it. A pencil sharpener that doesn’t sharpen is the definition of uselessness. Your pencil will just keep getting shorter and shorter as you grind away, struggling majestically to obtain a perfect tip that will never be.

Critically Rated at 3/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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November 16, 2012 · 10:28 am

Your Favorite Movie

Most people have a favorite movie. You’re weird if you don’t. Almost everybody has a movie that they grew up watching. You know every scene by heart, you can quote every line, and you could watch it almost every day without getting sick of it. Sometimes it’s not even a good movie, it might even be a terrible movie, but it reminds you of your childhood, of sunny days, and it can comfort you like a security blanket. The sentimental value is through the roof. You can tell a lot about a person from their favorite movie. If you meet a set of twins and one of them loves The Sandlot and the other one loves The Human Centipede, then you know right off the bat which one is the evil twin. Your favorite movie is a reflection of you. Choose wisely.

Critically Rated at 15/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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November 15, 2012 · 10:07 am

Status Worthy

Shit happens. Shit happens all the time, every day, to everybody. And when something happens to you, you want to share it with the world. But you should ask yourself if it’s status worthy before you post it on Facebook. Bitching about how much work you have to do is not status worthy. Nobody cares and nobody wants to hear it. Nobody cares about the mundane. Your status should be noteworthy, that’s why they call it a newsfeed. It’s supposed to be news, it’s supposed to be interesting, intriguing, and relevant. Things that are status worthy: getting a new job, running into a celebrity, grandma/grandpa/someone dying, and stuff like that. Things that aren’t status worthy: Bible quotes, song lyrics, what you had for dinner, an intentionally vague status that’s just a cry for attention, et cetera. I realize that everybody is guilty of posting crap that nobody cares about, but we can make the Internet a better place if we try, one status at a time.

Critically Rated at 12/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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November 15, 2012 · 9:59 am

Stale Chips

You were a little tipsy last night and you wake up to find a bag of chips that you opened up and left on the counter all night long. Curious, you stick your hand in the bag and grab a chip. You pop it in your mouth and start to chew, realizing after a few bites that the bag is now filled with stale chips. Chips are dried and processed and loaded with preservatives. How does a few hours of exposure make them stale? Those food scientists are slacking. Stale chips are uncalled for and inexcusable. But I can’t stop eating them.

Critically Rated at 8/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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November 14, 2012 · 10:46 am

Chandler Riggs

Chandler Riggs is a child actor best known for playing Carl on AMC’s The Walking Dead. Carl is one of the main characters in both the comics and on the TV show. He is the reason why Rick does what he does. If you’ve read the comics, you realize how important he is. The only problem with casting a kid on a TV show is that kids grow up, and they grow up fast and they grow up awkward. Didn’t anyone learn anything from the Walt incident on Lost? Chandler Riggs does a great job playing Carl, but he is already too old to still be playing him. Carl is only 7 years old in the comics. Chandler Riggs is already 13 years old. He is noticeably older looking in season 3 compared to season 1. Next season he will be sporting a 5 o’clock shadow despite playing a third grader. There are only two options for handling this situation: they can either recast him or kill him off. Either way I feel sorry for the guy.

Critically Rated at 7/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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November 14, 2012 · 10:42 am

Double Parking

If you live in the city and drive, you hate people who double park. These motherfuckers stop in the middle of the road, put on their hazard lights, and make you drive into oncoming traffic to get around them. Sometimes the driver isn’t even in the fucking car. Now you don’t even know who to flip off. The weirdest thing about double parking is that it’s always somehow justified when you do it. Funny how the universe works.

Critically Rated at 6/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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November 13, 2012 · 9:55 am

The Wrong Car

You’re waiting for your friend to pick you up because carpooling is the shit and gas is expensive. He texts you and tells you to go outside. You grab your stuff and head outside and see him pulling up. As he slows down and you grab the door handle to open it, you realize that it’s not his car and this is not your friend. You were about to get in the wrong car. And that driver thinks you’re trying to car jack him. All you can do is laugh it off and apologize. The wrong car got you again.

Critically Rated at 10/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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November 13, 2012 · 9:52 am

Seat Backs

You’re at a party or a bar and you’re one of the lucky ones to get a seat. You don’t have to stand around drinking your beer like an animal. But then nature calls and you have to go to the bathroom. Before you leave it’s vital that you say “Seat Backs.” You don’t want to get into a dispute over a chair, but friendships have ended for that very reason. People will claim ownership over anything and fight to defend it. There are many variations on seat backs. Different people call it different things but the meaning is the same. If you call dibs on your chair, that is your chair. You can go to the bathroom and come back to reclaim your seat. The important thing is that other people hear you when you call seat backs. Nobody will believe you said it if they didn’t hear you say it.

Critically Rated at 11/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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November 12, 2012 · 12:34 pm

Rain Ponchos

It’s starting to rain and you left your umbrella at home. You can either buy a new umbrella, brave the rain and get soaked, or you can wear a plastic garbage bag and pretend that it’s a poncho. Real rain ponchos are better though. Real rain ponchos are sometimes more practical than umbrellas. They are foldable, more portable and they look like cloaks, which makes them more fashionable. You can’t really get away with wearing cloaks these days but a plastic poncho will suffice. Ponchos are just another item in our arsenal against global warming. Bring it on.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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November 12, 2012 · 12:32 pm

Cleaning Your Room

Cleaning your room is one of the first steps to being a responsible adult. Your parents constantly nagged you to clean up your room when you were growing up and you hated them for it. Then at a certain point in middle school you realize that a messy room is kind of embarrassing. You would tidy up and try to make it look presentable before friends came over. Then you grew up and went to college and realized that your roommate doesn’t like it when you leave your shit all over the place. So you started really cleaning your room, mostly to be respectful to your roommate, but also so that any late-night hookups wouldn’t change their mind when they see how you live. Cleaning your room is important. It’s just a shitty chore that never ends.

Critically Rated at 7/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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November 11, 2012 · 11:10 am

The Sandman: A Game of You

The Sandman is one of the best comics of all time because it appeals to both male and female readers. Volume 5 of the series is one of the female stories according to author Neil Gaiman. Morpheus takes the backseat as Barbie (Rose Walker’s roommate in Volume 2) takes the spotlight. When Barbie dreams, she is the princess of a magical land called The Land. The only problem is that the Cuckoo is taking over Barbie’s dream kingdom. Barbie’s friends in her real life and dream life come to her aid, and there are triumphs, betrayals, and deaths along the way.

            Barbie used to have vivid dreams about her life as Princess Barbara, but she has stopped dreaming. An entity known as the Cuckoo is slowly destroying the Land. Her dream pal Martin Tenbones comes to the real world to bring Barbie back. He dies but still succeeds in his mission, and Princess Barbara returns to the Land. She hangs out with her talking animal friends as they make their way to confront the Cuckoo.

Back in reality, Barbie’s friends are also under attack from the Cuckoo’s minions. Luckily, her friend Thessaly is a witch and is able to use her witch powers save the other friends: a drag queen named Wanda, and two lesbians (one of which is pregnant). Then Thessaly and the lesbians use the moon to go to the Land to help Barbie and kill the Cuckoo, but only after Thessaly makes a dead guy talk by nailing his face, eyes, and tongue to the wall. Witchcraft in the Sandman universe is a little more extreme than in the Potterverse.

            The battle to save Barbie in her dreams is fought in both in her dreams and in the real world. Some of her dream friends come into the real world and some of her friends go into her dreams. There are consequences for doing that in the Sandman universe.

Gaiman was clearly inspired by Narnia and other fantasylands, but he manages to put his own spin on it. The Cuckoo is a great character. It isn’t evil, dangerous yes, but it’s only doing what it’s supposed to do. A Game of You is another great addition to the Sandman saga.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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November 11, 2012 · 10:59 am

Homemade Beef Jerky

Beef Jerky is awesome if you’re a carnivore. Dried piece of cow flesh in flavors like smoked, peppered, and teriyaki? Yes, please. You can buy Jack Link’s or other brands of beef jerky at the store, but homemade beef jerky is where it’s at. All you need is a food dehydrator, meat, and a creative recipe. Anything made at home will taste better than anything you buy. Homemade beef jerky is amazingly delicious. Just to clarify, when I say homemade, I mean when my mom makes it.

Critically Rated at 15/17

Written, Rated and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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November 10, 2012 · 11:19 am

Fighting for the Armrest

Humans are very territorial creatures. We put white picket fences around our lawn and yell at little kids for stepping on the grass.  There are very few situations as awkward as fighting for the armrest with a complete stranger. You want to arrive to your seat first on the plane or at the movie theater so you can establish control of an armrest and preferably both of them. You need your elbow support. It sucks when you get to your seat a little late and both armrests are occupied. You have to wait until someone moves his arm and you can casually but quickly sneak your arm onto the rest. It’s yours now. He didn’t call dibs.

Critically Rated at 13/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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