Category Archives: Snacks

Chips, candy and other munchies

December 16, 2013 · 8:30 am

7-Select Peppered Beef Jerky

7-Select is 7-Eleven’s store brand name and they make a bunch of different products, beef jerky being one of them. 7-Select Peppered Beef Jerky is comparable to Oberto or Jack Link’s. It doesn’t taste as good, but it’s cheaper and being cheap saves you money. It’s not a bad jerky. I’ve had worse and I’ve had better, but it’s still satisfactory. It’s not dry or crumbly and it’s not juicy and moist. It’s pretty average and that’s all you expect from a store brand. It’s cheap and edible and gets the job done. It’s only $4.99 for 3-ounce bag, which is a pretty decent deal. You save a few bucks and you can use that money to get a Slurpee, some candy, or a couple of lotto tickets. And if you win the lotto, you don’t have to buy 7-Select products anymore.

Critically Rated at 11/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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December 14, 2013 · 8:30 am

Trading Lunch Items

Trading lunch items is a common practice in elementary school cafeterias around the world. The goal is simple: you want to swap your food for something more desirable. It’s best to find someone who has conflicting tastes with you. If you like sweet things and Jimmy likes salty things, then you should give him your Goldfish crackers for a pack of Gushers. He’s happy, you’re happy, and everybody wins. Some kids are really good at trading lunch items. They learn other people’s tastes and preferences and exploit them. They get rid of a slightly bruised apple and get pretzels in return. They can swap those pretzels for a juice box, and then get two bananas in exchange. They know that Billy’s mom is lazy and only buys Lunchables so he would gladly give it away for two bananas. And once you have a Lunchable you control the negotiations.

Critically Rated at 15/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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November 29, 2013 · 9:57 am

Leftovers

Another Thanksgiving has come and gone, and hopefully your refrigerator is stocked with leftovers. Leftovers are the extra food that you still have at the end of a meal. You put them in Ziploc baggies, Tupperware, a to-go box, or in tin foil and stick it in the fridge. You pop it into the microwave and nuke it whenever you need a quick snack or bite to eat. A lot of college kids rely on leftovers to get from Thanksgiving to Christmas break without starving. Some food is more perishable than others. I wouldn’t recommend taking home fish or other types of seafood. Nachos get all soggy when you try to reheat it. Chinese food and pizza make the best leftovers. You don’t even need to heat up the pizza if you’re feeling lazy. A lot of leftovers stay in the fridge too long. They get moldy and inedible and you have to throw it out. That about sums up what is wrong with Americans: we get more food than we can possibly eat, and then we hoard it and hide it until we have to throw it away. But leftovers are a tradition, and you can’t leave Thanksgiving dinner without a slice of pie.

Critically Rated at 12/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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November 27, 2013 · 1:11 pm

Blue Raspberry Flavor

Why is Blue Raspberry such a popular flavor for candy? I can understand why Raspberry would be so popular. It’s kind of sweet, it’s kind of tart, it’s a very well balanced flavor. But why do they have to make it blue? I guess it makes it a little bit more fun but candy is already fun, they don’t need to dye it unnatural colors. The only thing Blue Raspberry flavors do is stain your tongue blue, and that’s not always a good thing. Sometimes you try to hide fact that you have candy. You’ll pop a piece into your mouth when nobody is looking. But you can’t be discreet if you have a blue tongue. Everyone knows that a blue tongue means that you have candy, and then you’ll have to share with everybody. A blue tongue is a dead giveaway, and an unfortunate side effect of a Blue Raspberry flavor.

Critically Rated at 10/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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November 25, 2013 · 10:17 am

Ice Cream Cone

An ice cream cone is dry, thin pastry shaped like a cone. You take the cone, add a scoop of ice cream, and there you go. It’s one of the best ways to serve ice cream. A lot of people eat ice cream from a bowl or directly from the carton, but cones have a few perks. Ice cream cones are more fun to eat. Bowls are boring. Plus you have to wash the bowl when you’re done eating. There’s no cleanup involved with a cone, you just eat the damn thing. And it tastes delicious. Most people don’t keep ice cream cones in their homes, so they become more of a treat. Cones make a happy food even better. Cones remind you of your childhood, of summer days and county fairs.

Critically Rated at 15/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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November 23, 2013 · 9:54 am

S’moreos

It’s slow season at the restaurant where I work at right now, and we had a little downtime after the lunch rush the other day. We started coming up with ideas for new desserts using the stuff we had available. We got a couple of jumbo marshmallows and a pack of Oreos. We would toast a marshmallow with a butane torch, cram it between two Oreos, top it off with a generous drizzle of caramel, and proceed to stuff our faces. Each bite was pure bliss and more of a sugar rush than a shot of grenadine mixed with Kool-Aid. I dubbed them S’moreos, a combination of S’mores and Oreos. I thought I was really clever for coming up with that name, and then I googled it and found out that S’moreos already exist. We invented our own recipe though, that’s got to be worth something.

Critically Rated at 15/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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November 22, 2013 · 9:41 am

Missing the Lunch Special by a Few Minutes

I wanted a bento box from the sushi place near my house a few days ago. They have a lunch special where you can get a bento box with a few choices for $7.95 from 11:00 AM to 2:30 PM every weekday. I woke up craving it and I was determined to get it. I woke up and got dressed, started doing some chores, and got sucked into the internet for a while. When I finally noticed the time, I realized that I was pushing it. I grabbed my jacket and some cash and ran out the door. I speed-walked the few blocks to the sushi place, and pushed open the door slightly out of breath. The hostess offered me a seat at the bar and a menu, both of which I took gladly. I glanced at the menu, but I already knew that I wanted the bento box with a California roll and teriyaki chicken. The server came over, and I asked if I was too late for the lunch special. She smiled politely and said that I just missed it. She said that I could still get a bento box but it would be an extra six bucks. I just got up and left, settling for a slice of pizza from down the street. The bento box would have been more satisfying, but I wasn’t going to order it if I couldn’t get the lunch special discount. Missing the lunch special by a few minutes blows. It makes you think about all the bullshit things that made you late. You might have a full stomach if you hadn’t decided to do the dishes or take out the trash. You might have saved a few bucks if you shaved last night instead of this morning. There’s nothing you can do about it, except for trying to be more punctual next time. You live, you learn.

Critically Rated at 7/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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November 17, 2013 · 10:33 am

Stonewall’s Jerquee Original Mild

Stonewall’s Jerquee is a brand of vegetarian jerky. Yeah, they make vegetarian jerky. I don’t know why. It doesn’t make any sense to me. And when I saw such a bullshit product, I had to buy it to try it. They have a few different flavors of fake jerky and I decided to go with Original Mild, because why not. I just opened the bag and I’m already regretting this purchase. It comes in little pieces rounded pieces that look somewhat like meat, but with a funky smell that’s reminiscent of cheap dog food. I just took a bite. It tastes like dog food. It’s like a chewy, slightly moist kibble. It’s disgusting. I had to spit it out. I would have vomited if I actually swallowed it. There is no reason why a product like this should be allowed to exist. It’s foul, it’s revolting, and it’s completely unnecessary. Don’t ever buy this shit, not even out of curiosity. It’s the worst thing in the history of the world.

Critically Rated at 0/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

 

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November 15, 2013 · 8:54 am

Helados Mexico Chicle

Helados Mexico Chicle is a bubblegum flavored premium ice cream bar from Mexico. What can I say about it? It’s blue. It tastes kind of like bubblegum, but they use milk and eggs to make it, so it has a weird creamy flavor to it. It doesn’t taste right. There are two piece of bubblegum at the bottom, but they are frozen so they might crack your teeth when you try to chew them. The gum is crumbly and brittle with absolutely no flavor, but it’s still two treats in one so it kind of redeems itself a little bit. But it’s still not enough for me to fully endorse this product. It would be good if it were a bubblegum flavored popsicle. Frozen bubblegum flavored dairy products on a stick don’t impress me. This is a misstep from Helados Mexico. For shame.

Critically Rated at 5/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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November 7, 2013 · 10:41 am

Old Trapper Chipotle Carne Seca (Hot Picante) Beef Jerky

            Chipotle Carne Seca (Hot Picante) Beef Jerky is a hot and spicy jerky. It’s made of beef and made by the good people at Old Trapper. When you open the bag, the peppers and spices are quite noticeable. It smells intense but the flavor is a little more muted than what I was expecting. One piece isn’t that hot, but two pieces make you start to sweat a little bit, and three pieces will make you run for a glass of water. The spiciness creeps up on you and it lingers on your tongue for a few minutes. I was hoping that it would be insanely hot and it’s not, but it’s still pretty hot. Each piece of jerky is nice cut, not too thick and not too thin. Some pieces were dry and crumbly so it loses a few brownie points for that, but all in all, this is a good jerky.

            Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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November 5, 2013 · 11:54 am

Sammich

If you’re hungry and aren’t sure what to eat, you can’t go wrong with a sammich. A sammich is similar to a sandwich, only far more delicious.  Anyone can make a sandwich: you just slap some shit between two slices of bread and call it a day. But a sammich takes more time, both in making it and in eating it. You get a sandwich from Subway; you get a sammich from the deli. A PB&J is a sandwich. A BLT is a sammich.  A sammich is a sandwich that you are proud of. A sammich is a sandwich that other people are jealous of. It’s something that they might try to steal. A sammich is a precious commodity, especially around lunchtime. I could go for a sammich right about now.

Critically Rated at 17/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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November 4, 2013 · 8:30 am

Brunch

Brunch is the miraculous mealtime hybrid that combines breakfast and lunch. It’s a late morning/early afternoon meal. It’s meant to be a social affair; you’re supposed to eat it with family and friends. Nobody goes to brunch alone. That’s depressing and weird. Most brunches have a diverse menu, ranging from breakfast foods like eggs and waffles to lunchtime foods like little sammiches, quiche, and cuts of meat. You might also expect to find rolls, cheese, salads, pasta dishes, and an array of fruits. Cantaloupe is required. It’s not brunch without cantaloupe. You can eat brunch any day of the week, but it’s best on Sundays. There’s no better way to get rid of your hangover than by having a big meal with good people and washing it all down with a few Mimosas and a Bloody Mary. It’s hard to top that. Brunch just might be the most enjoyable meal of the day.

Critically Rated at 16/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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November 1, 2013 · 9:51 am

Ritz Cracker Sandwiches with Peanut Butter

Ritz Cracker Sandwiches with Peanut Butter are prepackaged Ritz crackers made with real peanut butter. They are great if you like Ritz crackers with peanut butter but are too lazy to put peanut butter on Ritz crackers yourself. It looks like the crackers are a little bit smaller than the regular Ritz, but it still makes for a decent snack. It might not stave off your appetite, but it will get you to your next meal without your stomach growling. You get the salty crunch from the cracker and the smooth nutty taste of peanut butter with each bite. They pair well with a glass of milk or a bottle of beer. Beer makes everything better. Add some Nutella and you’re golden. Nutella makes everything better too.

Critically Rated at 11/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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October 25, 2013 · 9:56 am

Now & Later Wild Fruits

Now & Later is a brand of long lasting fruit chew candies. They typically come in a pack of 18 pieces with three different flavors. The Now & Later Wild Fruit chews come in Tropical Punch, Wildberry, and Watermelon flavors. Tropical Punch comes in a yellow wrapper, but the candy inside is red. Wildberry has a blue wrapper, but the candy is purple. And the Watermelon has a green wrapper with a pink candy inside, mimicking an actual watermelon. Nothing is as it seems. They are all really fruity, sweet, and have exaggerated, exciting flavors. These are kind of a kid’s candy. You don’t see too many adult chewing on Now & Laters. They stain your tongue and dye your spit. They could potentially rip out a filling. But they taste good and make me nostalgic for my childhood. I don’t see them much these days, so I’ll grab a pack whenever I come across them in a shop.

Critically Rated at 1417

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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October 22, 2013 · 9:55 am

Krave Pineapple Orange Beef Jerky

Pineapple Orange is yet another one of  Krave’s gourmet jerkys. This is a very sweet and fruity beef jerky, as you would expect. It smells citrusy, but the odor of cooked pineapple can’t be ignored. It’s reminiscent of a holiday dinner, with meat and fruit scents fighting for your nose’s attention. The jerky is not as moist as I expected, it was pretty dry and slightly crumbly around the edges. It smells better than it tastes. It’s kind of dull on the taste buds, plus it was really dry and hard to chew. It takes like it’s past the sell by date but it’s not. This was a disappointing purchase. Krave has a lot of jerky verities that are better than this one, but this is one of the flavors you should avoid.

Critically Rated at 8/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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October 9, 2013 · 12:20 pm

Helados Mexico Limón

Helados Mexico Limón is a lime flavored frozen fruit bar that’s hecho en Mexico. That means it’s made in Mexico. I’ve had a few of their other flavors, but I think that Limón is the best. It has a zesty lime flavor with the perfect amount of sour. I always buy them two at a time because one isn’t enough. Once it hits your lips, it’s so good. My biggest and only complaint is that there isn’t a joke printed on the popsicle stick. Other than that, it’s a pretty amazing frozen ice treat from south of the border. Ole!

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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September 30, 2013 · 9:50 am

Slim Jim

A Slim Jim is a smoked sausage stick that is similar to beef jerky. You mostly find them at gas stations and 7-Elevens. Randy “Macho Man” Savage used to be the spokesman for Slim Jim. He got paid millions of dollars and received a lifetime supply of the meat sticks. He’s dead now. Just something to think about before you buy one. If you think that hot dogs are gross, you should read the ingredients in a Slim Jim. Anyone for mechanically separated chicken? Slim Jims are alright. I normally prefer regular beef jerky, but every once in a while you feel like snapping into a Slim Jim. A little mystery meat never hurt anyone. Except for Randy “Macho Man” Savage. Did I mention that he’s dead? Because of Slim Jims?

Critically Rated at 10/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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