Ear wax is gross and it has gotta go. That’s when you need a Q-Tip. I know that doctors and professionals say that you aren’t supposed to use Q-Tips to clean your ears anymore. That’s why I don’t go to the doctor. Q-Tips are the best way to get rid or earwax, and I like sticking things in my ear. It’s comforting. I think its mindboggling how much goop my ears can produce from listening to customers’ bullshit all day.
Critically Rated at 11/17
Filed under Random Rants
Have you ever waited a few weeks before cutting your toenail? And been pleasantly surprised at how big it is? Not just how big, but how smooth and perfectly formed it is? I made that! That came from me! I am a man. This is the closest to the miracle of giving birth that I can experience. Thank God. Well trimmed toenail clippings are little man babies.
If you are a little, old Asian lady, you clip your toenails on the bus. And you always sit next to me. You are gross.
Critically Rated at 12/17
Filed under Random Rants
White people make fun of chopsticks because they can’t use them and because white people are racist. Oprah said so. Watching white people try to use chopsticks is a great Chinese past time. Watching white people clicking those sticks together like knitting needles, struggling to get a noodle into their mouth makes me happy. There’s something comforting in seeing white people fail miserably at being cultured. It makes perfect sense to use two sticks to pick up grains of rice. Forks are like automatic cars: they are way too easy, there’s no fun if there’s no challenge. Chopsticks are like manual cars: you have to do some work to get anywhere. It’s a rite of passage to be able to use chopsticks; you have to earn the right to eat that sushi.
Critically Rated at 13/17
Filed under Random Rants
Sporks are amazing. They are the brunch of the cutlery world. It’s a flying car. A spoon and a fork in one handy utensil. The future is now. Sporks combine the spearing powers of a fork with the scooping/stirring/holding capabilities of a spoon. I’m pretty sure that KFC invented them. I go backpacking occasionally, and one of the first pieces of equipment I bought was a metal spork. My life was now complete. I had nothing else to live for, so I took up heroin so I have something to do.
Critically Rated at 17/17
Filed under Random Rants
I will forever associate spoons with Homer Simpson: “Marge, where’s that… metal dealie… you use to… dig… food?” Spoons are ideal for stirring things or shoveling soup or cereal into your mouth. I don’t like little kids who need spoons to eat mac & cheese. Grow up, you stupid baby. I like ladles; I think a giant spoon that is just for serving is a great idea. For some stupid reason spoons are really popular souvenirs. I don’t get it. Who wants a little tiny spoon with a dinosaur or Disneyland on it? Neat, you went to the Grand Canyon. And you brought back a little useless utensil with a tiny picture on it. Kudos.
If a girl asks if you want to spoon, the correct answer is “only if we fork first.”
Critically Rated at 13/17
Filed under Random Rants
Sundays are deceptive. You have the day off, but reality awaits the next morning. Most people don’t have to work on Sundays, but you can’t really do anything too hardcore because tomorrow is Monday and you gotta get back to work. I’m so glad that I don’t live in Utah and shit stays open on Sundays. Sundays mean football, the Simpsons, and quality HBO programming. The worst thing about Sundays is each second brings you closer to the dreaded Monday, and you get mad that it’s not still Saturday.
Critically Rated at 12/17
Filed under Random Rants
Saturdays are the best day of the week. Saturdays are freedom. They are the summer vacation of your week. There is nothing more liberating than a whole day with no responsibilities. It’s the optimum day of the week to have parties, barbeques, going out on the town or just going crazy. It sucks if you have to work on Saturdays, and I’m in the food service industry so I usually have to. The worst thing in the world is a rainy Saturday. It’s been proven.
Critically Rated at 16/17
Filed under Random Rants
Friday Fun Day. Casual Friday. And TGIF. Fridays man. Sure, you gotta work a little, but you can half ass it, and its ok, cause it’s Friday and they are expecting it. It’s basically the weekend. Every other Friday is a payday generally, so you have a 50% chance of getting extra money to blow over the weekend. Fridays feel so amazing that they have a restaurant called T.G.I. Fridays so you always have access to that Friday feeling, even on a lame ass Tuesday. A lot of movies come out on Friday. The only possible downsides to Friday: Friday the 13th and Rebecca Black. Even those are growing on me. Fridays are a great day to live. Embrace them and celebrate.
Critically Rated at 15/17
Filed under Random Rants
Thursdays can be really antsy days. The weekend is so close that Thursdays can drag on forever, especially if the next Friday is payday. Thursday nights are the only night of the week where it is acceptable to watch NBC programming. They are also ideal nights for catching up on what’s on the DVR. If you want to get drunk, hammered, shitfaced, or any combination of those, go ahead and drink. It is acceptable because it is Thirsty Thursday and it is your duty as an American to honor these pseudo-holidays. Thursday is also when I have to bring in the garbage and recycling bins, so if you’ll excuse me, I’ll go do that now.
Critically Rated at 10/17
Filed under Random Rants
If you were going to be stuck on a desert island with only one kitchen utensil, it would be a knife. But if you could have two, you might consider a fork. Maybe a spoon because it’s like a little shovel, but most likely a fork. Forks are ideal for poking and stabbing food. Once the food is speared, you can use the fork to hold it in place to cut it with a knife (they work well together), or you can lift the food to your mouth and chew it. Pretty nifty. The more I think about it, the more useless a fork is. Knives can stab, cut and spear. Spoons can stir and hold mouthfuls of food… forks are just glorified food pokers for civilized people. No one will go to your dinner party if you don’t have forks (unless you’re Asian, then they demand chopsticks).
Critically Rated at 12/17
Filed under Random Rants
Knives are the deadliest utensil. If you’re gonna be stranded on a desert island with only one kitchen utensil, it would be a knife. You can cut things, stab things, spear things, slice things; they are very versatile. I am convinced that Jews invented the knife because you can use a knife to cut open a bag of bagels, slice a bagel in half and spread your cream cheese and lox around.
Critically Rated at 13/17
Filed under Random Rants
So you made finally made it to Wednesday. The weekend is in sight. Just a few more days of pretending to be productive and then you can relax. Wednesday is fondly known as Hump Day. Sadly the name is a bit misleading and it refers to the fact that it’s the middle of the week. Wednesdays used to mean that Lost was on, but now they reduced to a hollow existence, merely serving as a reminder that better times lie ahead (like 4:19 means you still time to get ready). There are a few people who don’t like how it is spelled. I don’t mind the spelling, it serves as a makeshift IQ test.
Critically Rated at 10/17
Filed under Random Rants
Kettle Krinkle Kut Zesty Ranch chips are yet another decent flavor of Kettle brand potato chips. These are crinkled, which is always a bonus. There is a good amount of ranch flavoring, but it’s not as excessive as ranch Doritos. Kettle does bold flavors and it does them well, even though you might not be in the mood for that flavor. Kettle flavors are like the Leonardo DiCaprio of the chip world… he always does good critically acclaimed movies, and he is always good in them, but you can’t watch Inception all the time, and you don’t really want to either.
Critically Rated at 13/17
Filed under Random Rants
Tuesdays are lame cesspool days. You are still pretty early into the workweek, and you still have a long time until the weekend. Most people don’t plan parties or get-togethers on Tuesday nights. No one wants to hang out. There are very few good things about Tuesdays, but Mardi Gras, Taco Tuesday and Two-for-Tuesday deals are pretty amazing. For some stupid reason US citizens can only vote on a Tuesday. It might be tradition, but I hate Tuesdays and that’s why I don’t vote (plus it’s a hollow privilege).
Critically Rated at 8/17
Filed under Random Rants
Mondays suck. They are like the first day of school, but it happens every week. You can’t avoid them. I’ve tried going from Sunday to Tuesday a few times, and it only worked once, and it involved a shit ton of Nyquil. Monday is the start of the average workweek, and there is nothing worse than going to work Monday morning and thinking that Friday might never come.
Mondays are big in pop culture. Garfield hates Mondays. Office Space has that annoying reoccurring line, “Sounds like someone has a case of the Mondays.” The Mamas & the Papas had that song “Monday, Monday.” Basically everyone hates Mondays. The only good things it has going for it are some decent network shows and Monday Night Football. And whenever you feel glum on Tuesday, you can at least be happy it isn’t Monday.
Critically Rated at 8/17
Filed under Random Rants
This is the O.G. energy drink. It is a bit of an acquired taste, but it is better tasting than Rockstar or Monster. It is pretty good for a quick energy boost, but I feel like I’m immune to them now. Vodka and Red Bull: a staple of night clubs, and a delicious treat before work. Red Bull doesn’t really give you wings, but if you drink enough of them you might get a heart murmur.
Critically Rated at 14/17
Filed under Drinks, Random Rants
Disc golf is a sport that you make fun of, then one day you are bored, and so you finally cave to your hippie friend and try it. Then the next day you go out and buy a few discs of your own. It’s just a fun way to get outside and shoot the shit with some buddies.
Disc Golf is a lot cheaper than real golf. Most courses are free and are in public parks. You only have to spend money on a few different discs, like a distance driver, a mid-range, and a putter. Get a few discs and you are ready to play. Different discs have different flight patterns. Touching discs doesn’t make you gay.
There are lots of YouTube videos with good advice and tips for everything from driving to putting, to different types of throws. The best way to improve your game is to just get out on the course. Keep it fun and casual, and you will meet a lot of people. A lot of people drink or smoke while playing, so you should too. It’s a fun community. Follow course etiquette and let faster parties play through. If you are by yourself, don’t hesitate to ask to join another group. They won’t mind, and if you’re new they will offer you advice and maybe let you try out a few of their discs to see which ones are right for you.
Disc Golf is growing rapidly in popularity each year. You should jump on the bandwagon now so you don’t seem like a tool later.
Critically Rated at 14/17
Filed under Random Rants
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