Tag Archives: utensil

Sporks

Sporks are amazing. They are the brunch of the cutlery world. It’s a flying car. A spoon and a fork in one handy utensil. The future is now. Sporks combine the spearing powers of a fork with the scooping/stirring/holding capabilities of a spoon. I’m pretty sure that KFC invented them. I go backpacking occasionally, and one of the first pieces of equipment I bought was a metal spork. My life was now complete. I had nothing else to live for, so I took up heroin so I have something to do.

Critically Rated at 17/17

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Spoons

I will forever associate spoons with Homer Simpson: “Marge, where’s that… metal dealie… you use to… dig… food?” Spoons are ideal for stirring things or shoveling soup or cereal into your mouth. I don’t like little kids who need spoons to eat mac & cheese. Grow up, you stupid baby. I like ladles; I think a giant spoon that is just for serving is a great idea. For some stupid reason spoons are really popular souvenirs. I don’t get it. Who wants a little tiny spoon with a dinosaur or Disneyland on it? Neat, you went to the Grand Canyon. And you brought back a little useless utensil with a tiny picture on it. Kudos.

If a girl asks if you want to spoon, the correct answer is “only if we fork first.”

Critically Rated at 13/17

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Forks

If you were going to be stuck on a desert island with only one kitchen utensil, it would be a knife. But if you could have two, you might consider a fork. Maybe a spoon because it’s like a little shovel, but most likely a fork. Forks are ideal for poking and stabbing food. Once the food is speared, you can use the fork to hold it in place to cut it with a knife (they work well together), or you can lift the food to your mouth and chew it. Pretty nifty. The more I think about it, the more useless a fork is. Knives can stab, cut and spear. Spoons can stir and hold mouthfuls of food… forks are just glorified food pokers for civilized people. No one will go to your dinner party if you don’t have forks (unless you’re Asian, then they demand chopsticks).

Critically Rated at 12/17

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Knives

Knives are the deadliest utensil. If you’re gonna be stranded on a desert island with only one kitchen utensil, it would be a knife. You can cut things, stab things, spear things, slice things; they are very versatile. I am convinced that Jews invented the knife because you can use a knife to cut open a bag of bagels, slice a bagel in half and spread your cream cheese and lox around.

Critically Rated at 13/17

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