Monthly Archives: February 2014

February 20, 2014 · 1:24 pm

Tizer (soda)

There are a few liquor/corner stores around my house, and one of them always has obscure stuff for sale. Like Tizer, “the Great British Pop.” I’ve never seen it before, I’ve never heard of it before, but it’s only 49 pence for 330ml or $1.29 for 11.1586oz. The can is mostly red with a few swirls of green and yellow. The soda itself is red, it looks kind of like a Shirley Temple. It doesn’t say what kind of soda it is and I can’t decide what it’s trying to taste like. The can says that it’s a sparkling mixed flavour soft drink with sugar & sweetener. It’s a pretty fitting description of it. There’s citrus, there’s a vague fruitiness, and it’s kind of sweet. It’s a soda and sodas are good.

Critically Rated at 13/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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February 19, 2014 · 12:14 pm

Michael Jackson’s Sex Life

Let’s talk about Michael Jackson’s sex life. I don’t think he had one. I don’t think he was a pedophile. I don’t believe he had sex with any little boys. I don’t think he ever had sex with anyone, man or woman. I don’t think he even masturbated. I think he was completely asexual. He never had a real childhood and he never grew up. He was a boy trapped in a man’s body. He thought of himself as Peter Pan, and Peter Pan thinks that sex is icky. You get the impression from his love songs that he didn’t know what love is. It was an abstract concept that was completely foreign to him. He talks about his feelings but he doesn’t say what he is feeling, he just says that he has them. He had three kids, but they are whiter than Jim Gaffigan. Michael Jackson was black. He might have bleached his skin, but he didn’t bleach his DNA. If those were really his kids, they would have a bit more color. Of course this is all speculation. Michael Jackson could have been a pimp mac daddy, but I highly doubt it. Either way, we can all agree that he was one of the best entertainers of all time and it’s a shame that we killed him.

Critically Rated at 9/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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February 19, 2014 · 12:11 pm

Kettle Brand Sriracha Potato Chips

The Sriracha hot sauce phenomenon continues with the introduction of Kettle Brand Sriracha Potato Chips. Kettle Chips are my favorite potato chips and Sriracha is my go-to hot sauce, and this seems like a winning combination. When you open the bag, you’re instantly hit with an intense pepper aroma. It’s like a mild spraying of mace in your face. You can tell that it’s going to be hot right away. I took a chip, popped it in my mouth, chewed and swallowed it. It wasn’t that spicy at first, but Sriracha is deceptive and that’s why I love it. Just when you think that you’re in the clear, it creeps up on you. Your tongue starts to tingle and the fire starts to burn. Your eyes might water and you might start to sweat if you’re not used to spicy foods. And that’s just the first chip. If you’re an amateur, I would advise not shoveling a handful of chips in your mouth because you’ll regret it. The Sriracha flavor lingers and gets hotter and hotter well after the chip is gone. It’s like shotgunning beers. You think that you can handle it and then it suddenly hits you and you realize that you made a big mistake. These are damn good chips. I just wasn’t prepared for them and now I’m sweating like a motherfucker. Make sure you have something to drink when you eat them and that there’s a fire extinguisher near by.

Critically Rated at 15/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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February 18, 2014 · 12:21 pm

School Bus

A school bus is a bus that takes students to and from school, as well as other school events like field trips and juvenile detention facilities. An American school bus is typically yellow. You don’t want to be on the short bus. The shorter your bus, the more problems you have. I think I’ve been on a school bus once or twice in my life. My mom was a teacher at my school so I always had a ride for elementary and middle school, I carpooled in high school, and I drove in college. I feel like I missed out on a part of my childhood by not taking the school bus. The school bus always seemed so amazing as depicted in movies and on TV shows like The Magic School Bus, The Simpsons, and Billy Madison. It’s a place for shenanigans and rowdiness. I like being rowdy, I like shenanigans, and the school bus seems like the best place for that. It’s a confined space, there’s an audience, there’s an angry driver, and there are no seatbelts. It’s paradise for the rambunctious.

Critically Rated at 15/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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February 18, 2014 · 12:19 pm

Girl Scout Cookies

Girl Scout Cookies are cookies that Girl Scouts sell. They only sell them a few times each year, so people freak out when its Girl Scout Cookie time. Seriously, grown ass adults go all Cookie Monster when they see a box of Do-si-dos. They will run up to you and ask you where and when you got them. Then they will track down that Girl Scout troop and buy as many boxes as they can carry, then they will come back for more. People stockpile Girl Scout Cookies. They will buy multiple boxes of multiple flavors and hoard them in the cupboard.

There are a few different flavors and varieties of Girl Scout Cookies. But the only ones worth buying are Do-si-dos, Tagalongs, Samoas, and Thin Mints. Thin Mints are the best ones. There is no argument. They are the most popular, the number one seller. And they get even better when you put them in the freezer. It’s all about frozen Thin Mints straight from the freezer. Game over. They taste so good that you get mad those bitches don’t sell them year round.

Critically Rated at 15/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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February 17, 2014 · 11:49 am

Talking Dead (TV show)

Talking Dead is a talk show for fans who can’t get enough of AMC’s The Walking Dead. It airs right after The Walking Dead, and the two shows go hand in hand. Host Chris Hardwick discusses the latest episode of The Walking Dead with his panel of guests. The guests usually include cast or crew members and celebrity fans of the show. They talk about the crazy cliffhanger endings and all the WTF moments of the show, they show all the zombie kills, and they recap who died. They point out things that you might have missed. They will do a special effects breakdown of a cool scene. There’s usually a sneak peak at the next episode. The Walking Dead is a cult phenomenon and Sunday night becomes an event. You get to watch an hour-long show about the zombie apocalypse and then you get to watch an hour-long talk show about an hour-long show about the zombie apocalypse. There’s something weird about that, but Talking Dead is still worth checking out if you’re a fan of The Walking Dead. It will make your Sunday night feel a little more complete.

Critically Rated at 12/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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February 17, 2014 · 11:47 am

Ejection Seat In a Helicopter

I remember watching a History Channel documentary when I was about ten or eleven years old. They mentioned an ejection seat in a helicopter and I immediately started laughing. I thought it was the best bad idea of all time. I pictured a pilot ejecting straight into the blades, splattering instantly like a water balloon in a blender, like shit hitting the fan. It still makes me laugh. I know that real helicopter ejection seats don’t work like that, and that’s almost a shame. An ejection seat in a helicopter. Think about it. Appreciate it.

Critically Rated at 12/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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February 16, 2014 · 1:04 pm

Birthday Shout Out

So it’s your birthday. Congratulations. Let me guess, you’re going to celebrate by going out to dinner with friends and family. And one of them will slyly mention that it’s your birthday to your server in hopes that the server will do a birthday shout out and bring out a free dessert. Birthday shout outs are embarrassing. They embarrass the server, they embarrass the birthday boy, and it’s embarrassing for the human race. I’ve experienced both sides of the birthday shout out. I’m a server at a corporate restaurant and I’ve yelled out birthday announcements for thousands of people. And I’ve hated it every single time. Servers hate birthday shout outs for a lot of reasons. One, they are annoying to do. Two, it’s hard to hear what someone is ordering when the whole restaurant is yelling. Three, it opens up Pandora’s box and suddenly every fucking table is celebrating a birthday too. I don’t mind doing a birthday shout out for a kid or for somebody’s 21st birthday, but I gotta draw the line somewhere. Sorry grandma, I’m not going to sing for you.

Critically Rated at 6/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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February 16, 2014 · 12:04 pm

Board Meeting (beer)

Board Meeting is an American Brown Ale from Port Brewing Company in San Marcos, California. It’s a Malt Beverage With Coffee And Cocoa Nibs. If there’s one thing that every beer needs more of, it’s cocoa nibs. And this beer has cocoa nibs. It’s very dark for a brown ale, it’s pours almost like a porter. It has a great aroma of roasted coffee, chocolate, and toasted malts. It tastes like you would expect. It’s malty with chocolate and coffee flavors, and there’s a little hazelnut and caramel, maybe some vanilla. It’s delicious and has a much better flavor profile than a Newcastle. It’s 8.5% so I would suggest drinking it after work and not before work.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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February 15, 2014 · 9:55 am

Virgil’s Black Cherry Cream Soda

When it comes to sodas, colas are king. But there are lots of different flavors and varieties of pop, and black cherry cream soda is one of them. It’s a pretty neglected flavor. You won’t find too many people asking for a black cherry cream soda when they order at a restaurant. I was lucky enough to spot this soda at my corner store, so I bought a few bottles. It was too intriguing not to. Virgil’s Black Cherry Cream Soda is a classic cream soda recipe made with naturally using the finest cherry flavor, vanilla beans and unrefined sugar cane. We searched the world for the perfect black cherry cream taste. We hope you will find this to be the best black cherry cream soda you have ever tasted. Well Virgil, you should be pleased to know that I agree with you, this is the best black cherry cream soda that I’ve ever tasted. Let me just take another sip to confirm that. Here we go. Mmmmm. Mmmmm mmmmmm mmmmm. Yup. Without a doubt, this is the best black cherry cream soda that I’ve ever tasted. Good job, Virgil.

Critically Rated at 15/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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February 15, 2014 · 9:52 am

Spell Check

Spell check is a program that checks your spelling. It’s both a blessing and a curse. It’s a blessing because you can use it to find mistakes and correct them. It’s a curse because it makes people dumber. Why would anybody learn the correct way to spell a word if they don’t have to? People are lazy and spell check is proof of that. I’m not going to lie, I use spell check all the time. But I also know the difference between there, their, and they’re. I use spell check as a tool, not as a crutch. I don’t need spell check, but some people rely on it. You still need to have a grasp of the English language in order to use spell check effectively.  Spell check isn’t perfect. It makes mistakes all the time, especially with its and it’s. You need to check what the spell check is checking to see if everything checks out.

Critically Rated at 8/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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February 14, 2014 · 10:20 am

Tablets

The iPad was first released on April 3, 2010 and the world hasn’t been the same since. Tablets have taken over. Most people are casual computer users. They just want to surf the net, play movies and music, take pictures, check Facebook, and play games. They don’t need a desktop computer or a laptop to do that anymore. They just need a decent tablet to stay connected and entertained. One of the reasons why tablets are so popular is because they are super portable. They are lightweight, they don’t take up much space, and you can take them anywhere. Laptops are more powerful, but they are also more of a hassle to lug around and the battery life isn’t as good. Plus it’s a lot easier and more comfortable to read an article or an eBook on a tablet than it is to read on a laptop.

Tablets are the future. You feel as if you’re in a sci-fi movie when you’re using them. It’s cool to have the entire internet right  in your hands, presented in bright colors and pretty pictures that you can swipe and swivel and interact with. When you FaceTime or Skype with someone, it’s like they are in the room with you. Tablets aren’t going anywhere, they are here to stay. I’ve noticed a trend: tablets keep getting smaller and smartphones keep getting larger. In a few years your iPad will fit in your pocket and you’ll need a backpack for your iPhone. You can’t stop progress.

Critically Rated at 15/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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February 14, 2014 · 12:51 am

Valentine’s Day

February 14th is Valentine’s Day for people in happy relationships and Singles Awareness Day for everyone else. If you’re single and feeling lonely, I highly recommend avoiding Facebook for the day. You’ll find out that yet another ex is getting engaged while you cry alone on the couch, using your own tears as lubricant. Valentine’s Day is a Hallmark holiday, created by greeting card/candy companies to get consumers to consume more. At least that’s what I keep telling myself. No matter what I say, it still feels good to get a card from someone (even if it’s from my mom). I’m single. It’s not Valentine’s Day for me, but it’s still a holiday because Spring Training starts today. God, I love baseball. Valentine’s Day sucks though.

Critically Rated at 9/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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February 13, 2014 · 12:35 pm

First in Line

Waiting in line sucks, but there’s something awesome about being first in line. Everybody who lines up is eagerly anticipating something and the first one in line gets to experience it before everyone else. And that makes you better than them. They are jealous of you and you love it. You feel like you’re in charge, like you’re the king. It’s a very empowering feeling. You might gloat a little and nobody will blame you. Being the first in line brings certain responsibilities. You’re the representative for all the other consumers in line with you. You’re the one who tells the passers-by what the line is for. You’re the one that talks to the media. You’re the one to lead the charge when they finally open the doors. You’re the first in line. That’s something to be proud of. You earned this shit. There can be only one.

Critically Rated at 15/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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February 13, 2014 · 12:31 pm

Pliny the Younger (beer)

Pliny the Younger is a triple IPA brewed by the Russian River Brewing Company and it’s only available for two weeks every February. It’s not just a beer, it’s an event. People line up for hours for the chance to get a six-ounce glass of this liquid gold. It’s been consistently voted as one of the best beers in America and for good reason. It’s a perfectly balanced beer, hoppy and bitter with a good amount of hops. It has a spicy citrus scent that carries over into the flavor. I taste spice, honey, citrus, and piney hops. It’s also 11% alcohol, so your head will start to buzz pleasantly. There’s a lot of hype behind this beer so it’s easy to be unsatisfied. You won’t like it if you’re not a fan of IPAs. But everyone should try this beer just to say that you’ve tried it. You can’t say that you’re a beer aficionado if you haven’t had Pliny the Younger. I woke up early for it, I waited in line for hours for it, and I enjoyed every sip of it. I was actually sad when I finished it. Now I have to wait another year to get it again.

Critically Rated at 17/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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February 12, 2014 · 1:14 pm

Seeing Your Breath in the Cold Air

One of my favorite things about cold days is seeing my breath in the air. When I was younger I would pretend like I was smoking a cigarette and I felt like a badass. I’m sure every little kid does that at some point, but I was really good at it and I looked really cool doing it. All the kids in my class agreed that I was the best fake smoker on the playground. I still enjoy seeing my breath in the cold air. It’s life affirming. I know that I’m still breathing, I know that I’m still alive, I know that I’m still here. Seeing your breath in the cold air is one of the great mysteries in life. Scientists still have no idea what causes the phenomenon, but I think it has something to do with protons and neutrons. I don’t know, I really didn’t pay much attention in Biology.

Critically Rated at 6/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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February 12, 2014 · 1:12 pm

Payback Porter

Payback Porter is an American Porter from San Francisco’s Speakeasy Ales & Lagers brewery. It’s a fairly typical porter: it’s very dark brown in appearance, almost black with a mild amount of carbonation. It has a rich malty aroma, with chocolate and coffee undertones. The taste is of roasted malt, chocolate, coffee, smoke, and piney hops. It’s very well rounded and has a pretty decent 7.5% alcohol content. If you’re a fan of porters and stouts than you’ll probably like this brew. If you like Budweiser, I wouldn’t recommend it. This is a beer for beer buffs, not for amateurs. You should try it, especially if you’re lucky enough to find it on tap somewhere.

Critically Rated at 13/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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