Monthly Archives: January 2014

Sitting On The Cooler

I spent last Sunday watching football at my friend’s house. It was a playoff game, and we had about twenty people crammed into a living room. Every single seat available was taken. Every spot on the couch was occupied, every folding chair was claimed, and a few people had to stand or sprawl out on the floor. One of our friends arrived too late to grab a seat, so he improvised by grabbing the cooler and using it as a seat. He thought it was a good idea, but he very quickly realized that he made a mistake. He would have to stand up every time somebody wanted another beer. And people tend to drink a lot of beer while watching football. He had to get up every couple of minutes whenever somebody was thirsty. He eventually got so annoyed that he ended up sitting on the floor next to the cooler. The cooler seat is the last place you want to sit at party or get-together. You won’t be able to sit comfortably for an extended period of time and that’s the hallmark of any good seat. Avoid sitting on the cooler. It seems like a good idea, but it’s you’ll end up regretting it every time.

Critically Rated at 6/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Don’t Know What You Got Till It’s Gone

I’ve been living comfortably in the same apartment in San Francisco for more than six years. I have my own room, I live right by Golden Gate Park, I have access to public transportation, and there are a lot of cool bars and restaurants by my pad. It’s my house, it’s my home. And now I’m faced with an eviction notice over some bullshit technicality and I only have a few days to move out. I’m not stressed about finding a place to stay. I’m just bummed that I might have to leave this spot. They say you don’t know what you got till it’s gone. I never knew how true those words were until today. I might have to leave my home. This place is a part of me. I’m not ready to say goodbye to it yet. And I hope I don’t have to. We’ll fight it. But it looks like I’ll be couch surfing for a little bit. Oh well.

Critically Rated at 5/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Arachnophobia

Arachnophobia is a fear of spiders. It’s also a movie starring Jeff Daniels and John Goodman. The movie is so-so. The fear is far more interesting. Spiders are among the creepiest of crawlies, so it’s only natural to harbor a passionate hatred for them. Spiders walk along walls and cling to ceilings. They spin webs, have pincers, and inject humans with venom. They stalk you in the night and they can sense fear. They seem innocent enough but you just can’t trust them. Some people have tarantulas as pets and I don’t know why. They aren’t real pets. They can’t be domesticated. Cats can’t even be domesticated, but for some reason some jackoffs think that they can tame an arachnid. Spiders should be squashed, not celebrated.

Critically Rated at 5/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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“Two Princes” by Spin Doctors

“Two Princes” is one of the premier hits of the ‘90s. It’s also one of the happiest songs that you will ever hear. It was written and performed by New York City’s Spin Doctors off of their album Pocket Full of Kryptonite. It has an upbeat melody and an infectious hook that gets stuck in your head. It’s impossible to listen to this song and not feel anything but pure joy. I’m not sure what he’s singing about, but I know I like it. I once listened to it on repeat on the way to work one miserable Monday morning. It was the best decision I ever made. An uplifting song makes everything better. People would run for the bus, miss it, and throw their hands up in exasperation, but they seemed happy about it when it was set to this song. Every smile, every wave, every laugh, and head nod seems to be for you. Listening to this song while experiencing real life is way better than any music video.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Mo’s Dark Chocolate Bacon Bar

Mo’s Dark Chocolate Bacon Bar is a chocolate bar with real bits of bacon. They describe it on the package as being 62% dark chocolate with Hickory smoked uncured bacon and Alderwood smoked salt. It tastes like your standard dark chocolate candy bar. You wouldn’t know that there was bacon in it unless someone told you it wasn’t kosher. It has a little bit of a salty taste, but you can hardly detect any bacon. It’s good. It’s just not bacon-good. I was a little disappointed. I wanted more bacon. It was way too subtle. If you’re advertising a bacon candy bar, I expect to taste some fucking bacon. For shame, for shame.

Critically Rated at 9/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Celebrating With Strangers

My New Year’s Eve wasn’t exactly perfect, but it was one of the most memorable midnights I’ve ever had. I started the evening by trying to decide where to go. A few friends were going to an event that cost about $200 for a ticket. That was more than I was willing to spend. A few other friends decided to go barhopping, but I didn’t feel like paying a $20 cover and having to battle the amateurs to get the bartender’s attention. I ended up going to the dive bar near my work. It was close to the fireworks and I knew that a lot of my friends from work would end up there eventually. Unfortunately, nobody got cut in time, so I decided to go to my super secret hideout at the top of a nearby hill.

My super secret hideout is an overlooked viewpoint at the top of a hill near Pier 39. You have a view of the Golden Gate Bridge, the Richmond-San Rafael Bridge, and the Bay Bridge, and you can see for miles and miles if there’s no fog. And this was a clear night, perfect conditions for watching the fireworks. The only downside to my hideout is that you have to hop a gate and hike up a long flight of stairs. I jumped over the gate and started the long climb up. I was almost to the top when I noticed three guys smoking a blunt. They were probably in their late teens or early twenties. I nodded to them and kept on climbing. I got to the top and there was a young couple sitting on a bench. There are only two benches at the peak, so I took over the other one, put down my bag and pulled out a joint. I sparked it, took a few puffs, and offered it to the couple. They politely turned it down, but we started making small talk about how smart we were to come up to this amazing spot. The fireworks were about to start so the three younger guys came up and joined us. I passed them my joint, they passed me their blunt, and couple kept track of the time.

As midnight approached we could hear the thousands of people at Pier 39 counting down in unison. You could feel the energy in the air, an electricity as 2014 was closing in. Three! Two! One! Happy New Year! And then we heard the whistle of a firework rising into the air, we saw a flash of read, we heard the boom as it exploded, and we realized that we couldn’t see the fireworks. Not at all. They were behind a gigantic mansion perched on a slightly higher hill. We could hear the booms and cheers of adulation, but we couldn’t see anything.

And we didn’t care. We just laughed and popped open a bottle of champagne that the young couple provided. We smoked a little more weed, took a few swigs from the bottle, and wished each other a Happy New Year. Then we climbed down the stairs and went our separate ways. I never asked for their names, they never asked for mine. I’ll never see them again, I wouldn’t even recognize them if I do. But I’ll never forget them. Celebrating with strangers wasn’t my ideal midnight, but it was pretty awesome. I learned that it doesn’t matter where you are as long as you’re with good people. Plus I had a good story for my friends when they finally showed up at the bar.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Leatherman Squirt PS4

I got a Leatherman Squirt PS4 for Christmas. It’s a handy little multi-tool that fits on your keychain. I’ve had it for just over a week and I’ve used it about a million times. It’s practical and well-built. Leatherman knows how to make quality tools. The Squirt PS4 flips open to reveal pliers, both needlenose and regular equipped with wire cutters. It also has a few other tools like a knife, scissors, a bottle opener, a Phillips screwdriver/small screwdriver, a wood and metal file, and a medium screwdriver. The knife, file, scissors, and screwdrivers are all easily accessible from the outside. You don’t have to open it up to access anything except for the pliers and wire cutters. The knife is really sharp and cuts through paper and plastic like it’s butter. It cuts through butter like it’s really soft butter. The scissors are better than anything you’ll find on a Swiss Army knife. And I’ve already used the screwdrivers to fix a broken model helicopter and to tighten the handle on my roommate’s frying pan. The only tool I haven’t used yet is the file. If you have anything that needs filing, let me know and I’ll file it for you. The Squirt PS4 is practical and versatile and you’ll end up using it a thousand times a day. The zombie apocalypse is approaching. Be prepared.

Critically Rated at 15/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Static Shock

A static shock is the jolt you experience when you have a buildup of static electricity and touch something. There are a few easy ways to experience a static shock. You can rub a balloon on your hair for a few seconds or you can take off your shoes, shuffle around the carpet in your socks, and then touch a doorknob. If you do it right, you’ll see a spark and feel a jolt. That’s a static shock. It doesn’t really hurt, but it feels weird and slightly uncomfortable. It’s more annoying than painful. You can use it as a weapon. Build up some static electricity and then zap your little brother. And repeat the process over and over again until he cries. Then do it some more and punch him in the shoulder if he threatens to tell on you. And then zap him again.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Arizona Rx Energy Herbal Tonic

Arizona Rx Energy Herbal Tonic is an Invigorating Blend of Green Tea, Tropical & Citrus Fruits, Panax Ginseng, Eleuthero Root, Guarana, Schisandra, and Vitamins A, C, & E. It’s not really healthy for you, so don’t be fooled by that “Herbal Tonic” nonsense. It’s got all kinds of additives and preservatives and it’s loaded with sugar. I’m not sure how energizing it is, but it’s very drinkable and refreshing and gives you a little caffeine buzz. It has a sweet, fruity taste with just a little tartness thrown in for balance. There are a lot of better energy drinks on the market, but the price is what sets this one apart. It’s only 99¢ for a 23-ounce can, which is a good deal. An 8-ounce can of Red Bull costs more than two bucks for comparison. Red Bull is a lot better, but cheap is cheap. And sometimes cheap is good. Try it, you might like it. Even if you don’t, you only wasted a dollar.

Critically Rated at 11/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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New Year’s Resolution

A New Year’s Resolution is a promise that you make with yourself starting on New Year’s Day. Some people give up smoking or junk food. Some people vow to exercise twice a week. Some people decide to volunteer at a soup kitchen or to help the less fortunate. It really doesn’t matter what your New Year’s Resolution is because you’re never going to follow through on it. A New Year’s Resolution is just a promise to yourself that you haven’t broken yet. You might be good and follow the plan for a week or two, but you’ll slip into your old habits eventually. It’s yet another way to disappoint yourself. I’ve only made one resolution that has stuck and that was the year I decided to stop doing New Year’s Resolutions.

Critically Rated at 8/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Helping a Friend Move

Helping a friend move is a big step in any relationship. Not too many people are willing to sacrifice a Saturday to help you haul cardboard boxes around. But if you find a friend that’s willing to help you move, you know you’ve found a true friend. And you should reward him for his services. You don’t have to give him money, but you should give him beer or something as a way of saying thank you. That way it will be more like you’re hanging out and you won’t feel as guilty about taking advantage of the free labor. It’s also a bonding experience. Lugging a big screen TV down a flight of stairs is like living in a dorm together. You quickly discover each other’s flaws and true personalities, and there’s a sense of pride and accomplishment if you get through the ordeal without killing each other. You can’t call it a successful life if you’ve never helped a friend move. It’s not glamorous, but it’s fulfilling.

Critically Rated at 15/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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