Monthly Archives: October 2012

October 14, 2012 · 11:01 am

Night of the Living Dead (1990 remake)

George A. Romero’s Night of the Living Dead is one of the most influential horror films of all time. This is special effect guru Tom Savini’s unnecessary remake of the classic zombie film. It keeps the same basic story about a ragtag group of strangers taking refuge in an isolated farmhouse when the dead inexplicably come back to life. But this time the film is shot in color and the zombie attacks are a little more gory. It’s a little dated now, and The Walking Dead has spoiled me when it comes to zombie kills, but it’s still a requirement if you are a fan of the genre.

            Tom Savini is one of the top makeup/special effects artists in the business with a handful of directing and acting credits under his belt as well. He specializes in horror movies, the bloodier the better. So you expect a little bit more action that what he presents, but he still made an adequate horror flick.

Barbara (Patricia Tallman) is visiting her mother’s grave when a zombie attacks her. She hides out in a farmhouse and gradually more and more survivors show up. Ben (Tony Todd) is the first one she meets, and he is intent on surviving. He constantly butts heads with Harry Cooper (Tom Towles), an angry guy with a wife and a daughter who has been bitten by a zombie (you know that’s not ending well). There is also a teenaged redneck couple, because you have to have stupid teenagers in a horror movie.

            As the survivors try to fortify the farmhouse, they start to realize they have to fear each other as much as they do with the zombies. Ben and Cooper both try to take control of the situation, and the tension between the two begins to rise as more and more zombies show up.

Zombies have been the monster of choice for a few years now, evidenced by the success of The Walking Dead and Zombie Land, not to mention the increasing sales of bath salts. But they wouldn’t be popular if people like Romero and Savini didn’t pave the way. So if you’ve tried watching the original Night of the Living Dead, but think it’s too slow, this might be a better alternative. The endings are different and there are a few tweaks to the storyline and characters, but overall it’s a pretty faithful remake.

Critically Rated at 13/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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October 14, 2012 · 10:56 am

An iPhone with a Cracked Screen

An iPhone with a cracked screen is like a dead dog on the freeway. It doesn’t matter if it’s not your dog, you still feel sad when you see it. An iPhone is a work of art, it is a sexy piece of technology, and a cracked screen can make it an ugly paperweight. Some people use a cracked screen as an opportunity to upgrade and buy a new phone. Some people use their insurance to get a replacement model. Some people embrace the crack and treat it like it’s a badge of honor. And some people have to borrow their little sister’s old Nokia. Life’s not fair.

Critically Rated at 4/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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October 13, 2012 · 9:06 am

American League vs. National League

Major League Baseball is composed of two leagues: the National League and the American League. If you follow baseball, you have to have an opinion on which league is better. But don’t bring it up with casual acquaintances. Your league preference is like bringing up politics or religion at a dinner party. You just don’t do it.

            Both leagues follow the same basic rules. But the American League has the designated hitter. Instead of a pitcher trying to get a hit, you have a player whose sole position on the team is to be a glorified pinch hitter. The pitcher has to hit in the National League. That’s real baseball… nine men vs. nine men.

The end result is that the American League has more hits and more runs. But nothing is as exciting as when a pitcher gets a hit. The National League is real baseball. The American League is Blernsball.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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October 13, 2012 · 9:02 am

Eating Alone at a Restaurant

It’s the middle of the day and it’s time for lunch. You decide that you want to go to a real restaurant because three consecutive lunches at McDonald’s is too much. You invite a few friends or coworkers, but everyone is busy or can’t make it in time. It’s time to swallow your pride and tell the hostess that you only need a table for one. She looks at you like you’re a loser and you feel like one. But your stomach tells you to shut up, sit down, and order something. There’s nothing wrong with dining alone, but you feel awkward and overhearing other people socializing, talking and having fun isn’t helping your self-esteem any. Oh well, at least your fries taste good.

Critically Rated at 6/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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October 12, 2012 · 10:12 am

The Fan (film)

Robert De Niro and Wesley Snipes star in Tony Scott’s adaptation of the book by Peter Abrahams that you never read. You probably didn’t see the movie either. It’s not that good. It’s not that bad either. It’s just not that memorable.

            Robert De Niro plays a San Francisco Giants fan with an unhealthy man-crush on star player Bobby Rayburn. Gil is a shitty knife salesman with a failed family life. His wife has divorced him and he alienates his son with his obsession with the Giants. When Gil loses his job, he loses his mind and becomes dependent on Bobby Rayburn to distract him from reality.

Rayburn is a Barry Bonds caliber player but he gets injured and starts struggling on the field. Gil takes it upon himself to get Rayburn back to star status. And when Rayburn refuses to acknowledge the fans, Gil takes it personally and tries to kill Rayburn and kidnaps his son. It’s safe to say that he’s slightly unhinged.

            Benicio del Toro and John Leguizamo play supporting roles, and you see John Kruk lumbering in the background as one of the Giants players. As usual Robert De Niro does a good job as his flawed character descends further and further into insanity. But Bobby Rayburn is the more interesting character. He has more of a character arc because Gil was always kind of crazy. Rayburn has his own demons to battle, like his batting slump, competition from his teammates, having to hit homeruns for sick kids, and dealing with a psychotic fan.

            This movie is all right if you’re a baseball fan. It’s even better if you’re a Giants fan. But I wouldn’t recommend this movie. It just is what it is. If anyone tells you that this is their favorite movie, they are either lying or an idiot.

Critically Rated at 8/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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October 12, 2012 · 10:05 am

Key Rings

Key rings are little metal circles that hold your keys. It’s a bitch to get keys on and off of them. My fumbling fingers can get the keys on, so I always have to ask someone to do it for me. I’ve seen girls break their nails struggling to get them on and somehow it’s always my fault because it’s my stupid key ring. Once you finally get the key between the loop you have to remember which way is the exit or you’ll end up right where you started. Then you have to ask someone to open the key ring again. Someone else without a broken nail.

Critically Rated at 11/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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October 11, 2012 · 9:29 am

The Natural (film)

The Natural is widely heralded as the best baseball movie of all time. I’ve seen it. It’s not. It’s a very good baseball movie, worthy of being on a Top Five list, but it has too many flaws to be the best. Robert Redford stars as Roy Hobbs, an athlete who simply wants to be the best baseball player who ever lived. Barry Levinson directs this adaptation of Bernard Malamud’s novel and makes a few changes (like a whole different ending).

            Roy Hobbs is on the cusp of being a professional baseball player, but things go south when he gets shot in the stomach by a crazy lady and almost dies. 16 years later, Hobbs becomes a 35-year-old rookie for the fictional New York Knights. That’s a red flag right there. You can’t be the best baseball movie if your main character doesn’t even play for a real team.

In the beginning of the movie, a young Roy Hobbs watches his dad die of a heart attack by a tree. Then lightening strikes the tree and splits it and Roy makes a bat from the wood of his father’s death tree. Somehow this makes it a lucky bat, and Roy uses it to become a fierce homerun hitter and become the spark plug that revitalizes his losing team and makes them a contender for the pennant.

             Of course there’s lots of stuff that happens. Roy must choose between a shady seductress (Kim Basinger) or rekindling a relationship with his ex-girlfriend (Glenn Close). Spoiler alert: he choses Glenn Close. I don’t know why. Kim Basinger’s character might have been slightly evil and murderous, but she still looks like Kim Basinger. Glenn Close looks like a man. And she has a man’s name. It makes you think.

I read some review where they say that this movie avoids clichés. That’s bullshit. The whole damn movie is a cliché. The new guy with talent has to earn the respect of his coach and teammates. He gets a chance to play and makes the most of it. Everything is going great and then something happens and things aren’t going so great. But he still finds the courage and strength to play in one more game. And then he hits a gamewinning homerun and is hailed as a hero. And then he finds satisfaction outside of the stadium with his family.

            This is a good baseball movie. But it’s not the best. Bull Durham is better. Major League is better. A League of Their Own is better. The Sandlot is better. Even Little Big League is better. At least that movie had plays and situations and trivia. And real baseball teams.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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October 11, 2012 · 9:22 am

Car Alarms

Car alarms suck. There’s no such thing as absolute silence in a city because there’s always at least one car alarm going off somewhere. It’s such a common event that nobody even pays attention anymore. When’s the last time you heard a car alarm and jumped out of your seat and ran to the window to catch a thief in the act?  You just ignore it. Fuck crime fighting.

            Most of the time it’s not even from anyone trying to steal anything, it’s usually a dickhole with a kickass sound system bumping shitty rap. The only time I enjoy car alarms is when I see somebody realize that it’s their car alarm going off. They get that Oh-Shit-I’m-A-Douchebag look on their face as they grab their keys and run outside to stop the mayhem.

Critically Rated at 5/17

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October 10, 2012 · 9:22 am

R2-D2 and C-3P0

R2-D2 and C-3P0 are the lovable droids in the Star Wars films. They were faithfully serving the Rebellion in the original trilogy, and they were doing whatever they did in the prequel trilogy. In the ‘70s and ‘80s the two robots were the epitome of technology. But now, in whatever year this is, you see how outdated they are. First off, you’re living in the past if your iPhone is more than 12 months old. C-3P0 was built by a ten-year old Anakin Skywalker and somehow was still working and serving Skywalkers at the end of Return of the Jedi. It’s cool that he’s still working but he’s at least thirty years old. It might be time for a new protocol droid.

R2-D2 is just inefficient. He communicates through bleeps and bloops and has a hell of a time handling stairs. He might be the worst designed robot of all time. Siri can talk to you. R2-D2 doesn’t even have text display capability. He is terribly designed and looks like an inefficient vacuum cleaner without a hose.

The creepiest thing about them is that they are intelligent. They can trick and manipulate people. They can scheme and plan things out and improvise when things go wrong. They are Skynet without the evil. And even though it would be a simple upgrade to get R2 to talk, they don’t ever do it.

Critically Rated at 12/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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October 10, 2012 · 9:19 am

Free Samples at Costco

One of the best things about Costco is the free samples. You walk around Costco and get rewarded with bite-sized snacks throughout the store. It’s always a surprise what you will get to try. Sometimes you get bagel dogs, sometimes it’s a type of yogurt, and if you’re lucky you get ice cream or something sweet. The free samples are great, but you start to get greedy. You’ll try to get a second helping of the microwave borscht. Something won’t be quite ready but you’ll linger around pretending not to wait by reading the labels of surrounding products that you’ll never buy. You’ll ask the sample-giver stupid questions, like if it’s gluten-free or low sodium. You don’t give a fuck. They know you don’t give a fuck.

I wonder if anyone has ever brought their own toothpick to Costco… That would be classy.

Critically Rated at 15/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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October 9, 2012 · 8:59 am

Kirkland Signature

Kirkland Signature is Costco’s store brand. They make everything from batteries to cheese to socks. They even have craft beer now too. I imagine that the Kirkland Signature factory is like Willy Wonka’s but with less candy and more business-minded Oompa-Loompas. How else could they make such diverse products with that much quality? Only with magical slaves like Oompa-Loompas or possibly House-elves.

Critically Rated at 13/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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October 9, 2012 · 8:57 am

Deciding Where to Eat

You’ve been hanging out with your friends all afternoon and it’s time to eat. You mention that you want some grub and everyone else is in the same boat. Now you have to decide where to eat. This is where it gets tricky. Everyone has an opinion on what to eat and where. You’ll mention Chinese food, but that will get rejected because Steve had Chinese last night. Someone else brings up pizza, but Stephanie had that for lunch. You’ll suggest Chevy’s and that will get shot down because Bruce saw a cockroach the last time he was there. The more people you are hanging out with, the hard it is deciding where to eat. The next time I hang out with people I’m going to bring beef jerky and PowerBars and avoid the hassle.

Critically Rated at 7/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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October 8, 2012 · 9:34 am

Star Wars

Star Wars is one of the best movies of all time. It might have been officially renamed Star Wars Episode IV: A New Hope, but it will always be Star Wars. George Lucas was a genius once, and this was his directorial highlight. Some people will say Empire Strikes Back is better, and I will tell them that Irvin Kershner directed Episode V, and that maybe they should shut the fuck up and let the real nerds talk about Star Wars.

There are three types of people in the world. People who have seen Star Wars and love it, people who have seen Star Wars and hate it, and people who have never seen Star Wars. The people who either love or hate Star Wars can agree on one thing: you are a freak if you haven’t seen Star Wars. I don’t even know how it’s possible to have not seen Star Wars at this point. It practically is pop culture.

Even if you haven’t seen Star Wars you know that Luke Skywalker has some sort of beef with Darth Vader. You know that Han Solo has a man-dog friend named Chewbacca. And you know that Princess Leia has cinnamon buns for hair. You also know the basic plot: a boy must grow up and face his destiny and embarks on the classic hero’s quest. There’s the everyman, the rogue shifty ally, the damsel in distress, the old wizard/mentor, and the villain with a powerful weapon. There are swords, knights, honor/chivalry, and space ships, robots, and aliens. And don’t forget about the fucking lightsabers, bro.

Star Wars was supposed to be a flop. The idea was so ambitious and the technology was so limited, it didn’t seem like it could possibly be a success. But the story and characters resonated with the audience. John Williams created music as iconic as the visuals on the screen. The world was changed. This was the first true sci-fi blockbuster. Movies are supposed to be an escape. Star Wars took you to a whole new universe and the movie stays with you long after you see it. Some people devote their lives to Star Wars. I can’t blame them because reality bites but Star Wars is awesome.

Critically Rated at 16/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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October 8, 2012 · 9:27 am

A Good Samaritan

The other day I was reading an article about some good Samaritans who stopped a purse snatcher. And I realized that all you hear about are good Samaritans, not bad Samaritans, not even mediocre Samaritans. And what the fuck is a Samaritan anyway? Bill Nye and the Internet say that Samaritans are a semi-offshoot of Judaism.

I did some research (meaning I looked up good Samaritan on Wikipedia) and found its biblical origins. It’s basically a story Jesus liked to tell about a traveller that got robbed and beaten up and left to die. A priest and a Levite both walk by and do nothing. Then a Samaritan comes by and helps the guy out. Back in the day, Jews and Samaritans were enemies. So the good Samaritan tale is about loving your neighbor and not being racist. It doesn’t have anything to do with playing Batman and fighting crime.

Critically Rated at 13/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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October 7, 2012 · 10:37 am

Step Brothers (film)

Will Ferrell and John C. Reilly made millions of dollars and made millions of people laugh with Talladega Nights. So it was only natural that they would reunite again, and the result is Step Brothers. Will Ferrell plays Brennan Huff, a 39-year-old man-child still living with his mom. John C. Reilly plays Dale Doback, a 40-year-old man-child still living with his dad. Their parents meet and fall in love and get married. And Brennan and Dale are now step brothers.

Director Adam McKay has a knack for comedy films. Will Ferrell is funnier when he has strong comedians backing him up. John C. Reilly is a great comedic actor, but he’s also versatile and has several more dramatic roles that showcase his acting ability. Adam Scott, Mary Steenburgen and Richard Jenkins round out the supporting cast.

It’s a pretty stupid premise: two middle-aged guys who refused to grow up suddenly become step brothers. At first they fight and feud with each other, but then they realize that they have a lot in common and become best friends. Their childish antics are too much for Dale’s dad to take and the family breaks up and Brennan and Dale are forced to grow up. Sort of. But Apatow movies always find a way to inject heart into the film and you grow to care about the characters.

When it comes to the Apatow comedies, you either love them or hate them. If you don’t like Will Ferrell’s sense of humor, you won’t like this movie. If you think he’s funny, you will like this movie. It’s 98 minutes of Will Ferrell being Will Ferrell and John C. Reilly doing a Will Ferrell impression. They adlib a lot and the dialog gets pretty out there. You can’t help but quote this movie.  It’s better than the fucking Catalina Wine Mixer.

Critically Rated at 12/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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October 7, 2012 · 10:31 am

Tic Tac

Tic Tac are the mints that you hear coming. They are small hard mints in a plastic case. When I was a kid I would pretend I was popping pills when I ate them. I admit I still do that. They come in a few different flavors: like Fresh mint, cinnamon, wintergreen, and orange. The orange ones don’t do much for your breath, but they are the best Tic Tac to chew. You are pretty sheltered if you’ve never had a Tic Tac. Maybe it’s time to venture out and show your taste buds what the world has to offer.

Critically Rated at 12/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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October 6, 2012 · 9:53 am

The Blue Angels

The US Navy’s Blue Angels flight demonstration squad is one of the best commercials for joining the military. The 6 F/A-18 Hornets perform dangerous tricks and maneuvers in perfect synchronization at air shows all around the globe These are the best pilots flying the best planes in the world doing the best stunts in the world. They fly in perfect unison 18 inches apart anywhere from 120mph to over 700mph. It’s fucking loud and it’s fucking awesome.

The Blue Angels make you proud to be an American. And not just proud, relieved. Because those are fucking military jets and somewhere in the middle east an F/A-18 Hornet has missiles and machine guns and an enemy in sight. The Blue Angels are the military’s way of saying, “Don’t fuck with me, bro.” It’s intimidation through entertainment. And it’s fucking awesome.

Critically Rated at 15/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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