December 27, 2013 · 1:01 am

The Perfect Christmas

I think I just had the perfect Christmas. It might have been a few days late, but I think it was the best one yet. I spent Christmas Day running around at work, suffering all day long with my coworkers. It might have sucked if I didn’t love all the people I work with, but luckily I do and we made the best of a stressful day. A couple of us went out for drinks after our shift and it ended up being a very memorable Christmas.
The 26th was my real Christmas though. I managed to get the day off and got to spend it with family. We started by getting a few drinks at Applebee’s. Classy, I know. Then we went to the Embassy Suites to take advantage of their happy hour. My family pregames before happy hour, how badass is that? After happy hour, we went back to my parents’ house for dinner, dessert, and more drinks. And presents, you can’t forget the presents.
It was a great Christmas. I saw my pregnant sister and the lump in her belly that I will soon be the uncle of. I discussed craft beers with my uncle while sipping on Pliny the Elder. I ate good food and laughed heartily every few minutes. Everybody was smiling and having a good time, nobody was pouting in the corner or silently sulking in the other room… And that automatically makes it better than any other holiday I’ve ever experienced. Christmas is about family and friends, and I got the best of both worlds this year. I consider myself lucky.
Critically Rated at 17/17
Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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December 26, 2013 · 2:07 pm

Leaving the Toilet Seat Up

Girls are always complaining about guys leaving the toilet seat up. Leaving the toilet seat up is a tradition that’s not going anywhere. It’s not like we are doing it out of spite (well, sometimes we do), it just stays up because we piss a lot and we are lazy. You’re lucky if we even remember to flush. I sometimes feel sorry for the girls that end up falling into the toilet, but they should have paid attention. Guys need to sit down when they shit, but we don’t fall in because we check the status of the seat before we sit down. It’s common sense. Look before you leap and look before you squat. Girls complain that leaving the seat up is inconsiderate. They never stopped to consider that leaving the seat down is inconsiderate to guys. I’m not sorry about leaving the toilet seat up. I leave the seat up, and I leave it up proudly. It’s also proof that I didn’t pee on the seat in the bathroom at work.

Critically Rated at 12/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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December 26, 2013 · 1:37 pm

Forgetting to Add Detergent

Today is laundry day. I don’t have a washer or a dryer so I have to trek three blocks to the closest Laundromat. Going to the Laundromat requires planning ahead. You have to make sure you grabbed all your dirty clothes, that you have enough quarters, and you can’t forget to bring detergent and dryer sheets. You have to be prepared. And I always am, but I was off my game today. I got to the Laundromat with no problems. I put my clothes in the washer, plunked the right amount of quarters into the slot, pressed the preferred temperature button, and the machine roared to life. I had thirty minutes to kill, so I went across the street to the convenience store to buy a celebratory Red Bull and some snacks. While I was purchasing my items, it suddenly dawned on me that I didn’t put any detergent in. Forgetting to add detergent is like washing your hands without using soap. It looks like productive but it’s not doing anything. Luckily I realized that I was a dumbass within ten minutes, so I went back to the Laundromat and threw in the detergent. The machine didn’t even cut off when I opened the lid, so I didn’t have to add another quarter. At least I didn’t have to pay extra for my stupidity.

Critically Rated at 8/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

 

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December 25, 2013 · 11:09 am

Working on Christmas

A lot of people view Christmas as the most important holiday of the year, a time for family and friends, of food, laughter, and presents. But it’s also just another day and that means a lot of people have to work on Christmas, myself included. It’s not a bad thing. I’m not going to mope and feel sorry for myself. I’m just going to go to work and make money (hopefully a lot of money if people are feeling the Christmas spirit). I actually want to work. I get paid double time and I have a longer shift.  Working on Christmas has been my holiday tradition for a few years now. I’m still going to celebrate Christmas with my family, it just won’t be on the 25th. Ain’t no thang as long as I get presents. And isn’t that what Christmas is all about?

Critically Rated at 10/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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December 25, 2013 · 11:07 am

Vanilla Oatis

            Vanilla Oatis is an oatmeal stout made with vanilla. It’s made by the good people at the Ninkasi Brewing Company in Eugene, Oregon. It has a great aroma of chocolate, roasted coffee, and caramel malts, with a touch of vanilla and a hint of smoke. It tastes like it smells. It’s very malty, and I can taste bittersweet chocolate, vanilla, coffee, smoke, and maybe some toffee. It’s a solid stout, and that hint of vanilla brings a kind of smoothness to it. The alcohol content is 7.2%, which is average, but this beer is not. It’s pretty damn good and I would recommend it for any fan of craft beers.

            Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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December 24, 2013 · 9:03 am

The Bureau is Made of Redwood

I used to have a huge infatuation with ghosts and haunted houses when I was growing up, and the Winchester Mystery House was one of the tourist attractions that I always wanted to go. Sarah Winchester was a rich and eccentric old lady who was convinced that all the people who died from Winchester rifles would come back to haunt her. So she constructed a huge mansion that was continuously being built, remodeled, and redesigned in an effort to confuse the spirits. Some stairways lead directly into the ceiling, there are doorways to nowhere, there are secret passageways, and the general layout of the house is completely chaotic.

They offer guided tours daily, and I got to cross it off my bucket list a few years ago. My friend and I went together and we felt kind of out of place. We were the only twenty-somethings there. There were a few senior citizen couples and a few small families on the same tour as us. At one point we went into a small room and the guide pointed out a beautiful wooden bureau. It was a huge dresser, majestic and regal, and probably worth thousands of dollars. The guide asked us if we knew what kind of wood it was. Everyone just kind of shrugged their shoulders and rolled their eyes. Nobody knew what kind of wood it was and apparently nobody cared. But then one of the dads in the group casually raised his hand and said, “The bureau is made of redwood.”

The guide looked shocked. “That’s right,” he said. “How did you know that? I’ve been doing this tour for fifteen years. I ask that question four times everyday. Nobody’s ever gotten it right before.”

The dad glanced down at his two kids who were staring back at him with awe. “Well,” he said, “I went on this tour with my dad when I was a kid. They asked that same question and my dad was a lumberjack and knew that it was redwood. And if it was redwood then, it’s probably still redwood now.”

Everyone had a bit of a chuckle, but that whole exchange really resonated with me. That was the most memorable moment of the entire tour. I felt like I just witnessed a private moment and the birth of a new family tradition (which I fully intend to steal). I hope that one day his kids will come back to the Winchester Mystery House with their kids, and that when the guide asks about that fancy wooden dresser, they can answer that the bureau is made of redwood and explain how they know. The past is more present than you think.

Critically Rated at 15/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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December 24, 2013 · 9:01 am

Dang! That’s Good Butterscotch Root Beer

Dang! That’s Good is a soda company and Butterscotch Root Beer is one of their flavored sodas. You can’t help but say “Dang! That’s good!” when you take a sip. It’s a rich, creamy, old-fashioned root beer with butterscotch flavor added to it. I’m not a big fan of butterscotch. I think it’s too sweet. But it perfectly compliments the root beer, and the end result is delicious. This is a soda pop. It pops in your mouth, and I can’t wait to finish it so I can pop open another one. It’s caffeine free like most root beers, but they use real sugar so you still get a temporary energy boost. It might be hard to find it, so you should buy a few bottles if you ever come across it. You will thank me for your stockpile after your first sip.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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December 23, 2013 · 9:56 am

Festivus

December 23rd is Festivus, the secular holiday that’s become a growing tradition thanks to Seinfeld. It’s been a real family custom for writer Dan O’Keefe since 1966, and he was gracious enough to introduce it to the world via the classic Seinfeld episode “The Strike.” Festivus is a response to the commercialization of Christmas, a holiday for the rest of us. There’s no tree, just an unadorned aluminum pole instead. There’s a dinner or feast, followed the “Airing of Grievances,” where each person expresses their disappointment with everyone else. Festivus concludes with the “Feats of Strength.” The head of the household challenges somebody to a wrestling match, and the holiday is finally over when the head of the household gets pinned. In theory, Festivus could go on forever. It seems to be gaining in popularity every year. There are already Festivus poles popping up alongside nativity scenes in public places around the US. I wouldn’t be surprised if it’s an actual, recognized holiday within the next hundred years.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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December 23, 2013 · 9:54 am

The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug

The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug is the second chapter of the Hobbit trilogy. It’s not very good. I haven’t seen it. And I don’t plan on seeing it. Because this whole trilogy is a bloated, unnecessary piece of shit, and any true fan of the LOTR will admit that. I love the Lord of the Rings trilogy. I waited in line for opening day. I own the special editions. I’ve watched the special features and exclusive documentaries. I think it’s incredible that New Line Cinema and Peter Jackson were able to translate Tolkien’s masterpiece to the big screen. But The Hobbit is not a masterpiece. It’s a kid’s book. It’s amateur compared to Tolkien’s later books. I know they had to make it into a film because the LOTR films made so much money. But they didn’t have to make it into a trilogy. They got greedy and it shows. They added characters and plot points and expanded the story in an attempt to lengthen the running time. And that made the film boring.

Truth be told, I didn’t even see An Unexpected Journey. Shocking, I know. But this is how it works for me: when a movie comes out I’m either excited to see it or I don’t care. I either go on opening day or I wait a few days to read reviews and hear what other people say. And most people that saw An Unexpected Journey weren’t impressed. They had some good things to say about various things, but they weren’t foaming at the mouth and clamoring to see it again. They weren’t excited. It was boring. It was all exposition. It didn’t seem worth $20 to see it in IMAX 3-D. So I didn’t see it.

The Desolation of Smaug came out two weeks ago, and I decided to wait and see if it was worth it because I was still skeptical. I read the reviews, I heard what people had to say about it, I asked other people for their opinion, and they all say the same thing. They say it’s better than the first one and they liked a few parts, but the dull look in their eyes gives them away. They want to like it, but they can’t. It’s a hollow experience like the Star War prequel trilogy. You only watch it because you feel obligated to watch it. That’s not entertainment, that’s a chore.

Critically Rated at 10/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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December 22, 2013 · 1:38 pm

Deadpool Classic Vol. 1 (comic)

Deadpool is Marvel’s “Merc with a Mouth” and one of the most popular comic book characters out there. You can find out why by checking out Deadpool Classic Vol. 1. You have to start somewhere, so start at the beginning with Deadpool’s first appearance in New Mutants #98, and then continue into his first solo series with Deadpool: The Circle Chase #1-4, the 1994 miniseries Deadpool #1-4, and finally with the 1997 relaunch Deadpool #1.

The storylines aren’t that amazing, but you get a sense of who Deadpool is, what he can do, and what makes him tick. He might be a blatant rip-off of DC’s Deathstroke, but that doesn’t matter. Wade Wilson is far more interesting and complex than Slade Wilson. And Deadpool is a better name. And he does cooler things. Right away you can tell that you like this guy even if you can’t trust him. He looks like a badass, he fights like a badass, and he‘s sarcastic, witty, and possibly psychotic. You can tell right away that there’s something different about him. Deadpool Classic Vol. 1 isn’t the best compilation, but it’s a great introduction to a great character.

Critically Rated at 13/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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December 22, 2013 · 1:29 pm

Route 66 Cream Soda

Route 66 Sodas are a brand of gourmet sodas made with real cane sugar. They have a few different flavors available: Root Beer, Orange Soda, Lime Soda, Black Cherry, and Cream Soda. I’ve never heard of Route 66 Sodas before, but it caught my eye at my local corner store so I decided to give it a try. I went with Cream Soda, because why not? It has a rich vanilla aroma, which makes you excited for the first sip. It tastes amazing. They use real cane sugar and you can tell. It’s sweet, creamy, and delicious, with the perfect amount of carbonation. The little carbonated bubbles burst on your tongue, bombarding your buds with blasts of vanilla and caramel flavors. This is the type of soda that your grandpa would drink when he was a kid. It’s what soda used to be. It’s nostalgia in a bottle.

Critically Rated at 15/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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December 21, 2013 · 7:42 am

Wrapping Presents

Every holiday season you go on a quest. You search through malls and stores and websites in search of the perfect gift for a loved one. You have to think about what that person wants, what they need, and what’s in your budget. And then you have to wrap up. Wrapping presents makes your gift a little bit more mysterious and that makes it more fun. It’s also an unnecessary gimmick to make department stores a little bit more money. But it’s become tradition and customary, and a gift seems less personal if it’s not wrapped. You don’t even need to use real wrapping paper, the funny pages from the paper make an adequate substitute. I’ve even used grocery store advertisements and brown paper bags for wrapping presents. It only ruined Christmas a little bit.

Critically Rated at 9/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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December 21, 2013 · 7:41 am

Sweet Chili Wonderful Pastachios

Sweet Chili Wonderful Pistachios are a brand of sweet-chili flavored pistachios. Dez are good nutz. Put dem in yo mouth and suck on dat. Sorry, I don’t know where that came from. Dez nutz just get me excited I guess. They are slightly above mild and slightly below medium on the hotness scale. I can eat about four or five of them until I start sweating a little bit. Wonderful brand pistachios are crunchy and consistent, with only occasional burnt or misshapen pistachios finding their way into the bag. The spice flavor on the shells might leave a little residue on your fingertips, but it’s nothing compared to the damage a Dorito does. It’s salty, it’s spicy, and it goes well with a beer. Give Sweet Chili Wonderful Pistachios a try.

Critically Rated at 12/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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December 20, 2013 · 11:16 am

Top Seventeen Christmas Movies

So Christmas 2013 is less than week away and I’ve somehow managed to avoid watching any Christmas movies. I thought I would celebrate that fact by ranking my top seventeen Christmas movies. And I never saw It’s a Wonderful Life or Miracle on 34th Street, so they aren’t included. These are the Christmas movies that I care about.

 

17. Ernest Saves Christmas is not a good movie, but it’s good enough to be on this list. The late and great Jim Varney plays Ernest, and it’s up to him to find a replacement for the aging Santa Claus and save Christmas.

 

16. Jingle All the Way would be a forgettable Arnold Schwarzenegger comedy if it wasn’t set at Christmas time. It kind of glorifies the commercial aspect of the holiday, but I love presents so I’m not complaining.

 

15. Bad Santa is an R-rated black comedy starring Billy Bob Thornton as an alcoholic burglar who robs malls on Christmas Eve. It’s raunchy and hilarious, and not something you can watch with kids in the room.

 

14. Home Alone 2: Lost in New York reunites young Kevin McCallister with the Wet Bandits. But this time, they are in New York and Kevin has a Talkboy. You can do anything with a Talkboy.

 

13. Elf is your typical Will Ferrell man-child comedy, but this time he plays an elf. Or a human that was raised as elf. I don’t know, it doesn’t really matter.

 

12. National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation is Chevy Chase’s best Christmas movie. There’s no denying it.

 

11. The Santa Clause is responsible for more people misspelling Santa Claus than any other movie. It also was the foundation for the best Christmas trilogy of all time. Name a better Christmas trilogy.

 

10. Batman Returns takes place around Christmas. It has Batman in it. And Michelle Pfeiffer in black leather. Merry Christmas indeed.

 

9. The Nightmare Before Christmas is dark and creepy, but it’s still a family film. It’s easily the most visually interesting film on this list, plus it has great characters and musical numbers.

 

8. Gremlins manages to combine humor and horror into a holiday film. I don’t even know how that’s possible, but they pull it off.

 

7. How the Grinch Stole Christmas! is the original animated Dr. Seuss classic, not the bloated Jim Carrey live action film. You know that Christmas is just around the corner when you’re flipping channels and stumble upon the Grinch.

 

6. The Muppet Christmas Carol is another retelling of the classic story by Charles Dickens, only with Muppets. And Muppets make everything better. Michael Caine plays a good Ebenezer Scrooge.

 

5. Home Alone made Macaulay Culkin a star, and it made child neglect funny again. It was the original family comedy without the family.

 

4. Scrooged is yet another take on the Dickens classic. Bill Murray plays a Scrooge-like television executive who gets visited by three ghosts so he can learn the true meaning of Christmas. Bill Murray is like bacon, he makes everything better.

 

3. A Charlie Brown Christmas is the best animated Christmas movie. Everybody has seen it, everybody loves it, and everybody knows that Charlie Brown sucks at picking out Christmas trees.

 

2. Die Hard is badass. It’s one of the best action films of all time. It made Bruce Willis a superstar, it introduced us to Alan Rickman, and the world can never be thankful enough. It’s also the only Christmas movie that you can watch every day without being judged.

 

1. A Christmas Story is the best Christmas movie of all time. Was there ever any doubt? It’s the perfect blend of nostalgia, consumerism, and family values. It’s funny, it’s heartwarming, it’s quotable, and it’s a shared experience. It’s not Christmas until you catch it on the 24-hour TBS marathon.

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December 20, 2013 · 11:10 am

Betrayal Imperial Red Ale

Betrayal Imperial Red Ale is a limited series beer brewed by San Francisco’s Speakeasy Ales & Lagers. It has a nice balance of toasty and caramel malts with piney and citrus hops in the nose. It has a very sweet flavor, mostly of chocolate and caramel malts with a little bitter pine hops to even it out. It’s not too carbonated, making it very drinkable and smooth. The 8.2% alcohol content makes it a well-rounded red ale, and worth trying for anybody who enjoys quality craft beers. The artwork on the label is cool too. There’s a seductive young flapper gazing over her shoulder and it seems as though she’s looking right at you. It seems innocent enough, until you notice the silhouette of fedora-wearing man in her hand mirror. There’s something scandalous going on, and you’re going to have to buy the beer to see what the betrayal is all about.

Critically Rated at 13/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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December 19, 2013 · 9:44 am

End of the Year Montage Videos

We are in the final two weeks of 2013, which means that you’re about to experience a flood of End of the Year montage videos, lists, countdowns, and Year in Review hoopla in your Facebook feed. This is a time for reflection, a time to remember all the big news stories, untimely deaths, and memorable sports moments that made 2013 the crazy year it was. We celebrate the conclusion of each year with montage videos to remind us of all the stuff that we’ve already forgotten about. Expect to hear the hit singles of 2013 edited to media clips of natural disasters, suffering people, civil unrest and citizen uprisings, Pope Francis, Obamacare, the US Government shutdown, whistleblowing, school shootings, the Boston Marathon bombing, disgraced politicians, underrated miracles, and Miley Cyrus twerking and wrecking-balling. Kim and Kanye also want to remind you that they had a baby. 2013 was a fun year. And it looks better in a montage.

Critically Rated at 12/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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December 19, 2013 · 9:41 am

The Lottery Ticket Paradox

The lottery ticket paradox was a stoney thought I had the other night as I clutched my Mega Millions ticket in my hand. Let’s say you go in on a $10 quick pick with a friend on the night of the drawing. He gives you five bucks, you throw down another $5 and buy the ticket. You text him a picture of the ticket as proof of purchase, then you stuff the ticket in your wallet and temporarily forget about it. A few hours later your buddy calls you saying that you hit the jackpot. That piece of paper that your fat ass is sitting on is worth millions of dollars.

But there’s a paradox here. The lottery ticket paradox. Did you have the winning ticket before the numbers were drawn? At what point did you become a millionaire? Was it when you purchased the ticket? Was it when the Mega Number was drawn? Was it when your friend called you and told you? Or do you have to wait until you receive that giant oversized check for it to be official? It’s essentially the chicken vs. egg debate. Does your ticket match the drawing, or does the drawing match your ticket?

Critically Rated at 13/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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