November 6, 2015 · 8:34 pm

Snakeskin Pants

Once upon a time, about eleven years ago or so, I was invited to an ’80s party. That’s when you dress up in attire from the wonderful decade known as the 1980s. I didn’t have anything that could pass off as ‘80s, so I went to the thrift store. I found a pair of snakeskin pants for forty bucks. I bought them. I wore them to the party and received plenty of compliments (as I should have). If there was a contest, I would have won that shit. I’m not trying to brag, I’m simply trying to stress how amazing my pants were. My pants are still amazing in fact. I still have them and I rock them every so often when the situation calls for them. I wore them for Halloween this year for instance. I was an ‘80s zombie rock star.

I live in San Francisco and there’s always an occasion for wacky clothing. We have Bay to Breakers, Hardly Strictly, and random street fairs. Every true San Franciscan has some absurd clothing in their wardrobe. I have a leather trench coat, a shiny green silk shirt, and a camouflage Snuggie for instance. But my snakeskin pants are still the reigning champ of my absurd wardrobe. I don’t see that changing anytime soon.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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November 5, 2015 · 7:56 pm

Leftover Halloween Candy

Halloween has come and gone, but leftover Halloween candy is still around if you’re lucky. I went into the break room at work today and one of my coworkers brought in a bag of fun-sized candy for everybody to enjoy. It was a nice assortment of Smarties, Nerds, Swedish Fish, Laffy Taffy, Starburst, and Snickers bars. I grabbed a few pieces of candy and proceeded to stuff my face. I’m a fat kid at heart, I’m not ashamed to admit it. It’s always been like that. I was never good at saving my Halloween candy. I would eat it all within forty-eight hours. Surprisingly I never got cavities. I like to think it’s because of the milk in all the chocolate I ate. You have to be smart when you’re rationing out your leftover Halloween candy. You have to eat a good piece of candy and then a bad piece of candy. Or you can force yourself to eat a bad piece of candy and then reward yourself with a good piece of candy. You don’t want to end up with a bunch of Candy Corn.

Critically Rated at 13/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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November 4, 2015 · 10:34 pm

A New Song From Your Favorite Artist

Everybody has a favorite band or artist. You have all their albums. You know all their songs. You’ve even seen them in concert a few times. You love their music. You put it on and it’s like a blanket, it wraps around you all warm and comfy. And every couple of years they put out a new album or release a new single. And there’s nothing quite like hearing a new song from your favorite artist for the first time. You know that you’re going to like it before you even hear it. You hit play and the music hits you. It should sound familiar yet still be new and exciting. It’s like unwrapping an awesome birthday present for three and a half minutes. You’re hooked and you can’t put it down. And when the song ends you play it over again and again so you can learn all the words.

Critically Rated at 15/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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November 2, 2015 · 8:11 pm

Kung Fury

Kung Fury is a 2015 Swedish martial arts/comedy film written, directed, and starring David Sandberg. It was crowdfunded via Kickstarter, so it’s by the people and for the people. It has a ridiculous plot about a time travelling kung fu cop who’s fighting an alternate version of Adolf Hitler known as the Kung Führer. Throw in a half-man, half-Triceratops cop called Triceracop, Thor (the actual Norse god of thunder and not the Marvel superhero), a couple of Viking vixens, and David Hasselhoff as a talking car, and you have the recipe for one of the most explosive thirty minutes of action comedy that you will ever experience.

If you like absurd action sequences that were obviously filmed in front of green screens, you’ll love Kung Fury. It looks and feels like a video game come to life, particularly when Kung Fury is cutting through hordes of Nazis one after the other. The special effects aren’t realistic, but they don’t pretend to be. It’s a B movie that knows it’s a B movie and celebrates being a B movie. It doesn’t take itself seriously. If you hate it, it’s because you want to hate it.

Critically Rated at 12/17

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November 1, 2015 · 2:38 pm

Flea Market

Last week I went to a flea market. A flea market is a magical place where vendors set up shop to sell random items and knickknacks. My sister and her fiancé invited me to tag along and I went without really knowing what to expect. I imagined it would be like a giant garage sale with lots of old furniture, broken appliances, and soiled clothing. I was hoping to find ninja stars and various martial arts weapons. The flea market turned out to be a lot more glorious than I ever thought possible.

We went to the Treasure Island Flea, one of the biggest flea markets in the San Francisco Bay Area. It happens on the last weekend of every month. We pulled up to the gates and got directed to the parking lot by a slew of unenthusiastic parking attendants. We parked the car and approached the main gate. There was a three-dollar cover charge to get in. I won’t even go to a club that has a cover charge, but I reluctantly forked over a few dollars. As soon as we walked in we saw a booth with a huge line. We walked over to see what they were selling. It was booze. They sell alcohol at the flea market. That was pretty amazing. It was even more amazing that I didn’t stop to pick up a drink.

We walked around, looking at all the booths and the excessive amounts of merchandise on display. About half the flea market seemed to be antiques. We saw lots of artwork in the form of sculptures, statues, paintings, posters, and small prints. We saw lots of clothes, some new and trendy, but mostly old and retro fashions. There was gourmet food for sale. There was a ton of books and classic comics for display. We found a treasure trove of old video game systems and cartridges. There was a bunch of old toys and sporting equipment like battered baseball gloves and janky golf clubs. There was bunch of power tools and hand tools that had seen better days. I didn’t find any ninja stars, but there was a nice assortment of knives and machetes.

I left the flea market with a new used baseball glove and a 14-inch Bowie knife. I already had a baseball glove but now I have two and that makes it easier to play a game of catch (now I just have to find a friend to throw with, not a friend who also has a glove to throw with). The Bowie knife was more of an impulse buy, but I had to get it. The zombie apocalypse is approaching and no arsenal is complete without a Bowie knife. I could have gotten a machete, but the knife came with a leather sheath and a handguard that can double as brass knuckles. It’s dull as fuck, but it will still do damage to the undead. If I survive the zombie apocalypse, it will partially be because of the flea market.

Critically Rated at 12/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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October 29, 2015 · 4:12 pm

Watching the Game at the Laundromat

I got rid of cable a few years ago and I only regret not being able to watch sports at home. My options are kind of limited. I can watch games a friend’s house or at a bar somewhere. But it dawned on me as I was doing laundry earlier today that I can watch the game at the laundromat. The laundromat that I go to has cable TV, a few chairs to relax on, and is hardly ever crowded so I could control the remote. I figure I can go there as a last resort if I ever need to. I would do a couple loads of laundry, taking as much time as possible while sipping on a couple of tall boys. I’d be a paying customer so I could get away with it. I think it’s a great idea. I’m surprised that it took me thirty years to think of it.

Critically Rated at 13/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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October 28, 2015 · 8:21 pm

Ink On Your Hands

I’m a server for a living and I rely on pens to do my job. I use them to write down orders and give them to customers for signing credit card slips. Pens are an essential part of my life. I rely on them. And sometimes they betray me. Sometimes I go to pull a pen out of my apron and I look down to discover with dismay that my hands are covered in ink. It doesn’t happen too often, but it happens more than I would like. Getting ink on your hands sucks. Your hands are stained blue or black and you know that everyone notices. You have to wash your hands as quickly and thoroughly as possible. You don’t want to be that guy with ink hands all day. Ink is not easy to get off either. You have to scrub it until your hands get raw. And people will see you compulsively washing your hands and ask you why you’re doing that. And you’ll have to say it’s because you got ink on your hands. They will laugh at you, pretend to sympathize, and walk away chuckling about your mishap. They are right to mock you. Their hands are clean and yours have ink all over them. You should feel lousy.

Critically Rated at 5/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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October 26, 2015 · 8:42 pm

Almost Famous

Almost Famous is 2000 comedy-drama film written and directed by Cameron Crowe. It’s partially based on Cameron Crowe’s own experiences as a teenaged writer for Rolling Stone. Seems to me that Cameron Crowe is a bit of an overachiever. So I have a confession to make. I saw this movie for the first time a week ago. Every time someone has mentioned this movie, I smiled, nodded my head, and pretended to know what everyone was talking about. A good portion of my life has been a lie. I’m sorry.

But I’ve seen it now. It’s a pretty good movie. I understand why it’s still relevant fifteen years later. Almost Famous tells the story of William Miller (played by Patrick Fugit), a high school student who gets tasked with writing an article for Rolling Stone about a band called Stillwater. Stillwater might be a fictional band, but they still rock hard. William goes on tour with the band, while forming a friendship with Penny Lane (played by Kate Hudson in her breakout role), a groupie with a heart of gold, and an uneasy alliance with the various members of Stillwater.

It’s a coming of age story. William learns about life and love, he loses his virginity, and he finds himself. It’s a period piece set in 1973 but it doesn’t feel dated. It has a great soundtrack, filled with tons of real classic rock songs and pseudo classic rock songs written for the movie. It features the best use of Elton John’s “Tiny Dancer” ever put on film. The cast includes a bunch of A-listers before they were super famous like Phillip Seymour Hoffman, Billy Crudup, Frances McDormand, Jason Lee, Zooey Deschanel, Anna Deschanel, Jimmy Fallon, and Rainn Wilson just to name a few.

The movie has a nice pace in the beginning, but it starts to drag along towards the end. It could have been thirty minutes shorter. They should have skipped most of the stuff that happens after they all sing “Tiny Dancer.” The plot fizzles out and loses momentum. It’s still good though. I would recommend that you watch it if you haven’t yet. Better late than never.

Critically Rated at 13/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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October 25, 2015 · 8:57 pm

Pregret

Have you ever regretted something that you haven’t done yet? There’s a word for that. It’s called pregret. The dictionary says that it’s not a real word, but the Urban Dictionary says it’s perfectly valid. I prefer to believe shit that I see online. Pregret is a great word. We end up doing a lot of things that we don’t want to do. It’s only natural that we have a way to say it. You can pregret a night of drinking because you know you’ll have a raging hangover the next day. You can pregret taking a job because you know you’ll make more money but have less time off to spend it. You can pregret accepting an invitation to an event out of politeness because you don’t really want to go to. Just because you pregret it doesn’t mean it’s not worthwhile though. Man up, and carpe diem.

Critically Rated at 13/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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October 22, 2015 · 1:28 pm

Narcos

Narcos is a Netflix original television series about Pablo Escobar and the DEA agents trying to catch him. It’s based on real people and actual events, and everything that happens in the show has some basis in reality. The series uses a lot of archival footage which further reminds the viewer that all this shit actually happened, it wasn’t just conceived by a roomful of writers, and that’s frightening. Pablo Escobar was a real criminal who became larger than life. This series tells his story. It doesn’t sympathize him, it humanizes him. It doesn’t hide the fact that he’s a bad person, it shows that he’s still a person.

If you don’t know about Pablo Escobar, allow me to give you a crash course. He grew up poor in Colombia, started his life of crime as a teenager selling contraband cigarettes and fake lotto tickets, before moving into kidnapping and smuggling. Eventually he found his niche as a cocaine smuggler and became the most powerful and wealthy criminal on the planet. He portrayed himself as a Robin Hood figure, giving money to the poor, building hospitals, schools, housing projects, churches, and soccer stadiums. He also bombed buildings and airplanes and put up a bounty for killing police officers. He had mansions, private islands, a fleet of planes, his own army, a zoo, held political office, and was worth over fifty billion dollars. All told, he was a pretty interesting guy.

Narcos brings you inside his world over the course of ten episodes. The storyline is split between Pablo Escobar and Steve Murphy, the DEA agent trying to catch him. Escobar’s parts are spoken in Spanish and are subtitled into English, so yes, there is some reading required if don’t hablo the español. Murphy’s parts are in English, and over the course of the season you can see him learning and speaking more Spanish as time goes on.

The cast is relatively unknown. Wagner Moura plays Pablo Escobar, Boyd Holbrook plays Steve Murphy, and I never heard of either of them until Narcos. The most recognizable actor is probably Luis Guzmán. The lack of famous faces makes it easier to focus on the characters and story. And it’s a damn good story. Go watch it now.

Critically Rated at 15/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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October 21, 2015 · 12:01 am

October 21, 2015

It’s October 21, 2015. It’s a holiday. If you don’t know why, you’re not a real nerd. Today is the day that Marty McFly traveled to in the future in Back to the Future Part II. I was born in 1985, which is Marty McFly’s main year and timeframe. I grew up watching the Back to the Future trilogy. I went on the ride at Universal Studios Hollywood. I watched the terrible cartoon. I feel a personal connection to the franchise. I’ve been waiting my whole life for this day. And here it is. I don’t know how to celebrate. I can’t take a victory lap around the block on a hoverboard. All I can do is blog about it and get the word out. That’s what this is. We are in the future. The future is now. Soon it will be the past. But for now it’s still now and I will take that. It’s Back to the Future Day. Embrace it.

Critically Rated at 15/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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October 20, 2015 · 5:19 pm

Your Father Smelt of Elderberries (beer, not an insult)

Your Father Smelt of Elderberries is a beer from Stone Brewing Co.’s Stochasticity Project and a reference to Monty Python and the Holy Grail. It’s a medieval-style ale brewed with elderberries. It’s a pretty interesting brew. It pours a dark amber color with a thin off-white head. It has a fruity, malty aroma with a hint of wood. It tastes more bitter than I expected. There’s fruit, malt, smoke, a little wood. It reminds me more of a barley wine than an amber ale. It has a hefty 10.3% alcohol content, so it’s a heavy beer. A couple of these will make you sleepy. It’s not my favorite offering from the Stochasticity Project, but it’s one of the more memorable ones. I bought a few bottles to age, but I’ll probably end up drinking them within the week. It’s a decent beer, but it’s a limited brew so you should buy it now while you have the chance.

Critically Rated at 13/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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October 19, 2015 · 8:45 pm

2015 MLB Postseason

Sorry that I haven’t been posting on a regular basis, but it’s the 2015 MLB postseason and I’ve been a little distracted. It’s harder to blog when you’re going directly to the bar after work to catch the game. It’s a little strange watching the games without the San Francisco Giants taking part, but it’s an odd year so that’s to be expected.. When the Giants are playing I’m either focused on offense or defense. It’s kind of nice watching teams that I’m not invested in because I can see the whole game

This has been a pretty exciting postseason. There have been a lot of memorable moments so far. Kyle Schwarber’s mammoth homerun that landed on top of the Cub’s scoreboard, Jose Bautista’s bat flip to end all bat flips, Daniel Murphy’s heads up baserunning and homerun tirade all stand out. All of the Division Series went to a pivotal Game 5 except for the Cubs vs. Cardinals.

Now the Kansas City Royals and the Toronto Blue Jays are battling it out for the American League pennant and the Chicago Cubs are trailing the New York Mets for the National League pennant. The winning teams will go on to face each other in the World Series. It doesn’t matter who wins. No matter what it will be good for baseball. All the competing teams haven’t won the World Series in decades. If your team isn’t in it, you should be rooting for the Cubs. Not for the fact that they haven’t won in over a century, just so that Back to the Future Part II is right. We don’t have hoverboards or flying DeLoreans, but I’ll take a Chicago championship.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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October 17, 2015 · 10:18 pm

Seaweed

Seaweed is a plant that grows in the ocean. It’s also what fish smoke. There are lots of different types of seaweed, but I can only name kelp off the top of my head. I’m writing about seaweed because I’m currently eating seaweed. I’m eating it as a snack. Yes, I’m Asian, how did you know? But it’s a good snack. They dry it out, and they manufacture it into nice sized pieces that you can pop in your mouth. It’s kind of salty, so it makes you drink more. It’s not filling, so you can drink more. It has no sugar or preservatives, so it’s got to be a little healthy. And if you’re healthy you can drink more. As you can see, there are a lot of reasons to eat seaweed. Try it. You might like it. If you do you can thank me. If you don’t, well that’s your lack of culture and upbringing so you can’t blame me.

Critically Rated at 13/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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October 15, 2015 · 7:34 pm

The Menu

I have a great idea for a trendy new restaurant. It would be called The Menu and it would have an interesting shtick (because every trendy new restaurant should have an interesting shtick). It’s called The Menu because you can only order off the menu. No modifiers, no substitutions, no upsells. The menu is the menu. You can either order something or get the fuck out, it’s as simple as that. I might let you specify the burger or steak temperature, but only if I like you. Don’t even ask about gluten-free options. It’s all gluten. There would be a list of drinks, appetizers, entrées, sides, and desserts. If you don’t see it, you can’t get it. Of course the menu would change from time to time. It’s important to shake things up every once in a while and variety is the spice of life. So come to The Menu, where the menu is the menu.

Critically Rated at 16/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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October 14, 2015 · 8:10 pm

Time Discrepancy

A few weeks ago I noticed that the time displayed on my laptop is different from the time on my phone. There was a two-minute difference. I tried to ignore it for a while, but the time discrepancy kept growing. Now there’s a four-minute difference. I don’t know why. Maybe it has something to do with black holes, vortexes, or aliens, but there’s definitely something spooky happening. I know it’s my laptop that’s wrong because my phone and tablet show the same time. It’s kind of weird because laptop, phone, and tablet are all Apple products and they are all on the same Wi-Fi network. My laptop thinks that it’s in the future. It could be. It’s hard to tell. A four-minute window into the future isn’t much to go on. And even if it was in the future, a four-minute window isn’t much help. I need at least ten minutes if I’m going to save the world. I’ve thought about this too much.

Critically Rated at 8/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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October 13, 2015 · 2:22 pm

Songs Fading Out

I remember going on road trips with my family growing up. My parents were always playing oldies on the car stereo. They had a few of those collections that they sold on TV, like Sounds of the Sixties and stuff like that. I remember a bunch of the songs didn’t really have endings. They just sort of faded out and the new song began. Maybe the bands and producers were lazy and didn’t know how to properly end a song. But I like songs fading out. It’s like the song never really ends, you’re just walking away from it and it’s repeating endlessly somewhere until you get back around to hearing it again. I wish more songs were like that. Maybe more musicians can bring back the fade out and make it trendy again. Endings are nice and all, but sometimes you don’t want some things to end.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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