Category Archives: People I Feel Sorry For

If you are in here, don’t feel too bad. I pity a lot of people.

January 7, 2013 · 10:54 am

The Girl That Doesn’t Deserve a Cell Phone

Everyone has a friend that constantly loses or breaks their phone. Not to be sexist, but it’s usually a girl. Everyone knows the girl that doesn’t deserve a cell phone. She has a habit of randomly dropping it for no reason. She leaves it in cabs and bars and restaurants. She has to replace her broken or missing phones every three and half weeks. She goes through more phones than cell phone bills. She always gets the latest model and it always makes your phone look like a piece of shit, until she drops it and cracks the screen when she’s showing it off. The girl that doesn’t deserve a cell phone always has a new one. Don’t let her borrow your phone and don’t let her hold your baby.

Critically Rated at 6/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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December 2, 2012 · 10:30 am

Homeless People Riding the Bus Because It’s Raining

I don’t mind the rain. I like the smell of a fresh downpour. I like the sound of raindrops hitting the roof. I like using the emergency umbrella I carry in my backpack. The only thing I don’t like are the homeless people riding the bus because it’s raining. If you live in a city and rely on public transportation, you’ve probably experienced this too. The rain starts to fall and the homeless try to get dry. They’ll jump on the bus and ride it until their transfer expires. I’m not opposed to homeless people using public transportation, I’m opposed to wet and smelly homeless people using public transportation. It’s worse than wet dog smell. It’s a combination of piss, stale beer, sweaty socks, and depression. Wet bum stench gets stuck in your nostrils and lingers long after you get off the bus. There’s no escaping the stink, it follows you, it knows where you live, and it will haunt your dreams.

Critically Rated at 4/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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November 23, 2012 · 10:33 am

Marissa and Marlena

To anyone named Marissa or Marlena: I’m sorry that I’m about to ruin your name forever. Imagine you have a newborn baby girl, fresh out of the oven. You gotta have a name for her. Marissa seems like such a nice name, a sweet name, and a safe name. Until the day that you realize that “Marissa” backwards is “Assiram”. Ass I Ram. Marlena is another name with an unfortunate reversal. It becomes “Anelram” and that’s pretty close to “Anal Ram.” If you know anyone with a less than desirable reverse name, take advantage of the situation and make them cry. Bullying is fun and acceptable in today’s society.

Critically Rated at 15/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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November 14, 2012 · 10:46 am

Chandler Riggs

Chandler Riggs is a child actor best known for playing Carl on AMC’s The Walking Dead. Carl is one of the main characters in both the comics and on the TV show. He is the reason why Rick does what he does. If you’ve read the comics, you realize how important he is. The only problem with casting a kid on a TV show is that kids grow up, and they grow up fast and they grow up awkward. Didn’t anyone learn anything from the Walt incident on Lost? Chandler Riggs does a great job playing Carl, but he is already too old to still be playing him. Carl is only 7 years old in the comics. Chandler Riggs is already 13 years old. He is noticeably older looking in season 3 compared to season 1. Next season he will be sporting a 5 o’clock shadow despite playing a third grader. There are only two options for handling this situation: they can either recast him or kill him off. Either way I feel sorry for the guy.

Critically Rated at 7/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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September 24, 2012 · 4:16 am

Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen

Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen are the real-life Truman Show. They grew up on camera. Blah, blah, blah, they became famous co-starring as Michelle Tanner on Full House. They had a bunch of shitty direct-to-video movies and a few big screen flops. They had their own Wal-Mart clothing line. They made millions and millions of dollars. Remember them now?

But when they turned eighteen, everybody stopped caring about them. Because America is filled with pedophiles. The only time the Olsen Twins make headlines now is when they look like they are about to die from drugs or when one of them kills Heath Ledger. All their fans grew up and stopped giving a fuck. They were America’s longest fad.

Critically Rated at 2/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan Young

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September 21, 2012 · 9:41 am

Leash Kids

There’s a simple way to tell if you are a bad parent. Look at your kid. Is it on a leash? If yes, then you are a bad parent. Disguising the leash as an animal tail isn’t fool anyone and it’s insulting to your kid. Holding onto your kid’s monkey tail and avoiding actual human contact doesn’t make you a good parent. It makes you lazy. If you’re worried about your kid getting lost, wandering off, or getting kidnapped, that’s only natural. But you should hold their hand, not a leash. A toddler is not a dog. Kids are supposed to run around and play. They are kids. That’s what they do. You’re not supposed to tie them up and confine them. Let them be kids.

Critically Rated at 5/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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September 20, 2012 · 9:51 am

Pamela Anderson

Pamela Anderson made her living by being the sexiest slut on the planet. She was the star of Baywatch (no offense to David Hasselhoff, but her bouncing breasts are better than yours). She had not one, but two sex tapes released to the public. Even Paris Hilton has more discretion. Pamela Anderson oozed sex appeal, and she was one of the few celebs that were sleazy enough that you though you had a shot with. But now she’s old and plastic and you feel dirty when you jack off to old pictures of her. It’s like wanking it to Britney Murphy. She’s dead and you’re a pervert. Pamela Anderson is long past attractive and a few miles past used. The sad thing is that most guys would still fuck her just to say they have. And you get the feeling she embraces that fact.

Critically Rated at 6/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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September 19, 2012 · 9:54 am

Balding

Hey buddy, you’re balding. Accept it. Shave your head and free yourself of the follicles that betrayed you. Combovers aren’t hiding anything. Growing your remaining hair long to make up for your shiny dome is a lost cause. Stevie Wonder’s head is a punchline. I’m glad he can’t see this. There is nothing more pathetic than someone clinging to the few precious mammal strands on their head. They style it, they dye it, and they know each one by name. No matter what you do, it looks bad. Just let it go. It’s better to be accepted than laughed at. Bald heads are badass. Michael Jordan. Jason Statham. Jason Alexander. I rest my case.

Critically Rated at 8/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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September 5, 2012 · 10:01 am

Mavis Beacon

In schools across the US and around the world, millions of kids learn to touch type from Mavis Beacon Teaches Typing. Touch-typing is essential for participation in the technological world that we are living in. It’s more practical than learning cursive. The other day I found out that Mavis Beacon isn’t a real person. She’s just a corporate mascot. That’s devastating news. Now I’m wondering who the hell taught me to type?

Critically Rated at 5/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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September 1, 2012 · 10:03 am

Kel Mitchell

If you experienced the ‘90s at all, you might remember Kel Mitchell. He was one half of the teenaged Kenan and Kel comedy troupe. He’s skinny one who likes orange soda. I feel bad for Kel because he did it wrong. Kenan did it right. Kenan Thompson was able to transition from absurd kid sketch comedy to adult sketch comedy on SNL. Kel transitioned from being a child star to being a footnote in mediocre productions. Kel still has a career. Just not much of one.

Critically Rated at 8/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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August 24, 2012 · 6:52 am

Minnie Driver

If you can remember back to 1997 and a film called Good Will Hunting, you might recall an up-and-coming actress named Minnie Driver. Remember? There was Matt Damon, Ben Affleck, Robin Williams, and that girl. Minnie Driver was that girl.  She had a little success after that film; she provided the voice of Jane in Disney’s Tarzan, she had a few other movies that only a few people saw, and she was in The Riches on the FX network. That’s about it. She provided a voice for The Simpsons Movie but her scenes were cut, so it doesn’t count. I actually forgot that she existed. If you’re a celebrity and people forget that you exist, you aren’t doing a good job.

Critically Rated at 4/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed By Brendan H. Young.

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August 9, 2012 · 10:04 am

Negative Nancy

Yesterday I overheard a stupid guy telling his friends that he doesn’t like the term “Negative Nancy.” His friends couldn’t grasp why, and the stupid guy couldn’t explain why he hates it. I can only assume it is because he is a Negative Nancy. A Negative Nancy is equivalent to a Sad Sally or a Debbie Downer. Americans like to label people using alliteration, I guess. If someone is constantly complaining, especially about trivial things, than they are a Negative Nancy. You don’t want to be a Negative Nancy. I don’t know what the opposite is, but it’s probably Happy Harold or Fun Freddy. I could have made that up too.

Critically Rated at 9/17

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August 5, 2012 · 9:43 am

Meddlers

People don’t always get along. We can’t. We aren’t programmed to. You are going to have conflicts, it’s inevitable and unavoidable. So I have no respect for meddlers. Meddlers strive to create conflicts, they want to stir the pot and put people against each other. They start unnecessary arguments between friends just for the sheer joy of causing chaos. Meddlers stick their unwanted and ugly noses into other people’s businesses because they are evil, cruel, heartless, and want to make their puppets dance. An argument should be between two people, not the byproduct of a meddler.

Critically Rated at 1/17

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July 21, 2012 · 8:54 am

People Watching

People are fascinating. There are billions of us, scurrying around all over the place, each one of us doing our own thing. It’s fun to sit up on a balcony over a busy street and just watch the little puppets below acting out their lives oblivious to you watching them. You’ll see old ladies inching their way down the sidewalk. You’ll notice little brothers annoying their older sisters. You’ll observe homeless guys muttering to themselves. You’ll hear a douche on the phone saying the same thing over and over and over. You’ll spot the most awkward and opposite couple making out and laugh at the thought of them having sex. And you might feel bad for judging them but if you go people watching long enough, you can’t help but hate the human race. Or pity them.

Critically Rated at 10/17

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July 9, 2012 · 6:55 am

Jesse Frederick

Jesse Frederick is a musician who has written some of the most well known songs of all time. You can’t even turn on the TV without hearing one of his catchy jingles. You might not know who he is, but if you’ve ever watched Perfect Strangers, Full House, Family Matters, or Step by Step you have heard him. He wrote the theme song for all of those shows… that’s why they all sound the exact same. You’ve heard his songs a million times, they are a part of your childhood. And you didn’t even know that he existed. Shame on you.

Critically Rated at 13/17

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July 4, 2012 · 12:07 am

Playing the Lottery

I play the lottery. You can’t win if you don’t play. I play, but I don’t win. I put $5 on Mega Millions and $5 on Super Lotto twice a week. I’ve done it for that last few years. I keep all my losing stubs, partially because I’m a hoarder, partially to remind myself how dumb I am. Using basic math, I can tell you that I’ve spent $5200 on lottery tickets and I’ve won maybe $400. Not a lump sum either, I’m talking about $400 total over five years winning $1-$15 at a time. I’ve never made over $20 from one ticket. I keep telling myself I’m due, so I keep on playing. And I keep on losing. I only need to win once though.

Critically Rated at 7/17

lotto tickets

Broken dreams

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June 22, 2012 · 9:53 am

LeBron James

Love him or hate him, LeBron James is good for basketball. You need a guy that stands out, that elevates the game to another level. LeBron James is the best player in the NBA right now. He’s a one-man show, but he’s also a great passer, he’s a willing team player. He’s not the best ever, but you could argue that he is, and that’s the sign of a great player. He came up in the spotlight. He was hailed as the next Michael Jordan. Despite all the attention and focus on him, he still emerged as a force to be reckoned with. He could have been and should have been a bust with all the pressure he was under. But now he has his ring. People will bash him for leaving his original team and chasing one. But that is what you need to do to become a legend. Charles Barkley never got a ring, and he will never be considered as one of the best for that simple reason.

LeBron James reminds me a lot of Barry Bonds. A lot of people loved him. It seemed even more people hated him. They would boo him, they would jeer him, they would taunt and heckle him. But when he stepped up to the plate everyone would shut the hell up and watch. Because they knew that they were about to witness the best in the game demonstrate why he is the best in the game. Barry never got his ring though. LeBron did.

Props to LeBron. Props to the NBA. A win for the best is a win for everyone.

Critically Rated at 11/17

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