Category Archives: Drinks

Beer, soda, and other fun fluids you put in your mouth.

September 15, 2012 · 7:42 am

California Closing Time

California is legit. We have mountains, movie stars, the Pacific Ocean, really good weed, beaches, lakes, rivers, snow, and sunshine. We also have bars that close at 2:00 a.m. That part’s not so cool. They actually close earlier than 2:00. Most bars set their clocks ahead 15 minutes so they can close earlier. So they pretend to close at 2:00 but it’s really still 1:45. That’s fifteen minutes of drinking that they steal from you.

Most cool kids don’t even get to the bar until after 10 or 11:00 p.m. So you have less than three hours to drink and socialize before they kick you out. That’s not much time for fun on a Saturday night. When the bar closes it is time for the afterparty or to go home. California is awesome. California closing time is not.

Critically Rated at 4/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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September 10, 2012 · 9:26 am

Flip Cup

Flip Cup is a drinking game. The object of the game is to flip your cup after you drink it. If your team can drink all their beers and flip all their cups faster than then other team, victory is yours. Each team has the same amount of competitors. You chug your beer, you flip your cup, and the person behind you does the same. The team that drinks all their beers and flips all their cups upside down first wins. If you get drunk, you are playing the game right. Good for you.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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September 9, 2012 · 10:09 am

Day Drinking

Day drinking is exactly what it sounds like… drinking during the day. Most of the time drinking is a nighttime activity. You drink after work, or at a Saturday night party, or a casual Wednesday night get-together. The problem with day drinking is that you’re drinking during the day and you still have the night to contend with. You can either take a siesta or you can just keep on drinking until the moon is out and the stars are shining. It’s ok to pass out for a few hours, as long as you crack a brew when you come to.

Day drinking is a challenge. It’s not for the weak hearted. Plan ahead. Buy a 30 pack of beer, have some hard liquor, you’ll need Red Bulls and caffeine, and don’t forget a sandwich. You have to eat or you will die. And try not to drunk dial people. It’s weird to get a shitfaced call at 3:34 PM and they will think that you are an alcoholic. Remember: the trick is to pace yourself. You are going to poisoning yourself all day so you don’t want to overdo it. And seriously, don’t forget the sandwich.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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September 8, 2012 · 10:10 am

Simultaneous Drunken Conversations

When you first arrive at a bar with a few friends, everyone is engaged in a single conversation. As time goes by and the drinks go down, the conversation starts to branch out and soon you simultaneous drunken conversations all over the place. Everybody has something to say and the more you drink, the more inclined you are to share your opinions. You alternate between blabbing about bullshit and nodding your head in agreement while drinking your drink. There’s a conversation about football to your left, a discussion about Kim Kardashian to your right, and a hundred other meaningless debates raging in your near vicinity. Just jump into one and don’t leave until you need another drink. It’s just drunk talk.

Critically Rated at 11/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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September 6, 2012 · 9:40 am

Adding Water to Juice

A few months ago, I saw my friend pour himself a half glass of cranberry juice and then top it off with water. I laughed at him and then went home and copied him. In this economy, you need to get more bang for your buck. You need to stretch every dollar. Adding water to juice is a good way to save your money and have more to drink. Cranberry juice is already kind of bitter, if you dilute it with water it still tastes cranberryish. It’s good for babies and good for your budget. Don’t think of it as being cheap, consider it being frugal.

Critically Rated at 12/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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August 26, 2012 · 9:18 am

Raging Bitch Belgian-Style India Pale Ale

Maryland’s Flying Dog Brewery makes some amazing craft beers and this is one of them. Raging Bitch Belgian-Style India Pale Ale is a very distinctive beer, from its taste to its awesome artwork. It’s also fun to go to a bartender and say, “Raging Bitch, please.” It has a nice alcohol percentage of 8.3%. It tastes good, looks cool, and it will get you drunk. What more do you want from booze?

Critically Rated at 15/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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August 25, 2012 · 9:51 am

Bottle Caps

Bottle caps are caps for bottles, in case you didn’t know or are an idiot. This post is about the metal bottle caps for glass bottles, and not those stupid plastic caps for plastic bottles. There’s something charming about bottle caps. There are an endless variety of brands and colors. A lot of people collect them. It’s an easy hobby: you just drink a beer or soda and thrown the cap into your collection. I collect my beer bottle caps. It’s like keeping ticket stubs. I know which beer brands I’ve consumed and there’s the added bonus of knowing how much damage I’ve done to my liver. And it’s a lot.

Critically Rated at 10/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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August 14, 2012 · 9:02 am

Catching Up

Sometimes you get out of work late or get to the party after everyone else. And everyone else is already drunk. So you feel like you have to catch up to get on their level. You’ll start with a shot or two and then progress to double fisting. And then a few more drinks and you’ll take a hit of that. Pretty soon you’re feeling good and you knew that catching up was a good idea. Just don’t pass them. Then it’s game over. Drink responsibly, if there is such a thing.

Critically Rated at 13/17

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August 2, 2012 · 9:51 am

Leaving the Bar and Coming Back

I was almost responsible last night. I left the bar after a few drinks, feeling slightly buzzed. And somehow I got suckered into going back inside. Leaving the bar and coming back is not a victory. It just shows that you can’t make up your mind and you let booze decide for you. If you leave the bar and follow polite social protocol, you say your goodbyes and hug your lady friends and high-five your guy friends… leaving the bar can be a big production. So when you come back, naturally everyone is confused and slightly judgmental. “Didn’t you already leave?” they ask exasperated and out of breath. All you can do is smile and shake your head, before sipping a beer and asking what the fuck they are talking about.

Critically Rated at 10/17

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July 25, 2012 · 10:24 am

Coming Home Drunk With Prizes

Last night was my friend’s birthday party. She celebrated at a bar and we all got shitfaced. I made it home with my phone, keys, and wallet… everything that I left with, I came back with. I also came back with someone’s container of weed. It’s not mine, I didn’t buy it, I didn’t steal it. Someone who was drunker than me gave it to my drunk ass and I can’t remember who. But now it’s mine.  It sucks when you lose something while drinking, but gaining something makes you feel like it was a productive night. Coming home drunk with prizes from the bar is better than coming home sober with prizes from the county fair.

Critically Rated at 15/17

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July 20, 2012 · 9:35 am

Peer Pressure

Back in the day, peer pressure was what got you to start drinking. Then you get a little bit older, and peer pressure is what keeps you drinking. You will be tired and beat from working earlier that day, but you’ll decide to go out a few drinks with a group. You don’t want to be the one who ducks out early or doesn’t keep up with everyone else. Each time you pay for a round and see your wad of cash disappearing, you want to be responsible and run away. But then someone will offer to buy you another round or chastise you for being a baby. So you stay, even though your liver and your brain are telling you to get the fuck out of there. Peer pressure is letting your drunk friend talk you into being as drunk as he is. Everyone is doing it, so you might as well too. Cheers.

Critically Rated at 8/17

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July 19, 2012 · 6:55 am

Spilling Beer on Yourself

I drink beer a lot. I consider myself to be pretty good at it. Sometimes I get all of it into my mouth. Sometimes I dribble on my shirt a little bit. Spilling beer on yourself is going to happen, you can’t avoid it. The more people that are present, the more likely you are to spill on yourself. You just have to wipe your mouth off and hope no one notices the wet spot on your shirt. It’s not embarrassing if everyone does it.

Critically Rated at 7/17

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July 18, 2012 · 8:53 am

Being a Regular

A lot of places use a system for remembering if you are a regular patron to that particular establishment. A lot of coffee shops, sandwich spots, and burger joints will use a janky card that you use to punch out a hole with each purchase and your tenth hole is a free meal. Fuck that. The only place worth being a regular is at a bar. If a bartender knows you and recognizes you (and knows that you tip), you will get your drinks faster and stronger and occasionally free. Being a regular means you are established, that they know you. When you go into a place and they ask if you want the usual, you feel special. You also feel like a drunken loser who goes to the same spot way too much, but it’s nice to feel welcomed. You feel like you’re in Cheers or at Moe’s Tavern.

Critically Rated at 12/17

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July 15, 2012 · 9:42 am

Waiting for Friends to Come to the Bar

People like to drink things (like beer and liquor). People like to celebrate things (like birthdays and promotions). It only makes sense that people sometimes chose to celebrate things by getting drunk. Having a party at a bar is a lot easier than having to get enough food and drinks for all your friends and you don’t have to clean up after. Someone will say that everyone’s meeting at the bar at 10:30, and you decide you will get there half an hour later so you wont be the first one there.

But the universe knows that you were thinking that, so when you show up half and hour late, you are still there before everyone else. Waiting for friends to come to the bar is an art. You have to grab a drink, because you can’t be empty-handed when people do show up. You sip it slowly and whip out your phone to pass the time. You’ll text a few friends and tell them to hurry up. You just hope that nobody is watching you, wondering about the quiet guy in the corner who is obviously alone on a Saturday night.

Time flies when you’re having fun, but it comes to a standstill when you’re waiting for friends to come to the bar. You’ll glance at the time, look around the room, answer a text, have a sip or two of your drink, and glance at the time again and it’s still the same time. So you take another sip, read a coaster, pretend to be watching the game on TV, and look at the time again and it’s still the same time.

The only good thing about waiting for people to show up is that you have access to lots and lots of booze. Maybe waiting at the bar isn’t so bad after all.

Critically Rated at 8/17

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June 25, 2012 · 11:10 am

Poo Sap

Poo sap is that last little bit of beer in the bottom of a cup or bottle. It is usually warm and is mostly made of backwash. It tastes nasty but the beer isn’t done until you drink it, so man up and swallow that shit. It is a crime to waste precious alcohol. Other places have other names for that little bit of beer, but poo sap should be standardized for consistency’s sake. Drinking poo sap from other people’s bottles is like smoking people’s used cigarette butts. It’s gross but happens way more than it should.

Critically Rated at 4/17

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June 24, 2012 · 8:47 am

Lagunitas Little Sumpin’ Sumpin’ Ale

Lagunitas is a California microbrewery that is best known for its IPAs. This Little Sumpin’ Sumpin’ Ale is something else. It’s a wheat ale and it’s pretty hoppy too. My taste buds aren’t that sophisticated but I like this beer. I especially like the 7.5% alcohol content. I like beers that taste good and get me drunk. And you seem more classy when you’re drinking a microbrew. If you’re lucky enough to see Lagunitas on tap or on the display shelf you should get it.

Critically Rated at 14/17

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June 23, 2012 · 9:15 am

Water With No Ice

I’m in the service industry and people order water all the time. Water is free. They get water with a soda, they get it with a cocktail, they get it when they don’t want to pay for a drink. So if you order a just a water and I bring it to you and then you suddenly specify that you want a water with no ice, I want to throw that shit in your face. Fuck you. Ice is fucking water. If you want water with no ice, let it sit and melt and don’t fucking bother me. If you order just a water then I know you are cheap and I know you won’t tip. That’s why I gave you water with ice, I’m hoping you will choke on a cube.

Critically Rated at 1/17

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