Monthly Archives: May 2014

Beer on the Rocks

One time I was hanging out with my friend at his mom’s house and he offered me a drink. I never turn down free booze so I gladly accepted his offer. He handed me a warm bottle of Heineken and a glass filled with ice. I had no choice but to crack the brew and pour it into the glass. He got his own beer and glass with ice, we clinked our drinks together, and took a sip. It was crisp, cold, and refreshing. It was beer. Beer on the rocks. I didn’t mind the ice as much as I thought I would. If anything, the ice gave me more incentive to drink faster so it wouldn’t melt and water it down. I don’t think I’ll try it again though. I love cold beer, but ice in the glass isn’t the way to go. The next time I’ll take wrap a wet paper towel around the warm beer and stick it in the freezer for fifteen minutes. That’s the ideal life hack for this situation.

Critically Rated at 10/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Idris Fiery Ginger Beer

Idris Fiery Ginger beer is an English soft drink made with ginger extract. The slogan Try me if you dare!! I don’t normally take orders from sodas, but I decided to accept this challenge. I bought a 330ml can, cracked it open, and took a sip. I didn’t like it. I took another sip. It tasted a little better. I took a few more sips and it became more enjoyable. But I still didn’t like it by the time I finished the can. I guess I don’t like ginger beer. It’s not half bad, but it’s not good. I won’t be getting Idris Fiery Ginger Beer anymore. It’s all yours, England.

Critically Rated at 8/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Stella Liebeck

You might not know Stella Liebeck’s name, but you know who she is. She’s the lady that burned herself with hot coffee and successfully sued McDonald’s. She became the poster child for frivolous lawsuits, a reputation that she did not deserve. The media blasted her, mocked her, and twisted the facts to depict her as greedy, sue-happy, and eager to manipulate the system. They were eager to portray her as the villain and McDonald’s as the victim. The fact is that McDonald’s knew that they had a dangerous product. Their coffee was sold at 180–190 °F, which is enough to cause a third-degree burn in as little as two seconds. They had over 700 separate reports of severe burns caused by their overly hot coffee and they simply ignored them or paid off the victims until Stella Liebeck came along.

Stella Liebeck was a 79-year-old lady wearing sweat pants sitting in the passenger seat of a parked car when she removed the lid to add cream and sugar and accidentally spilled the cup on her lap. Her sweat pants acted like a sponge and held the coffee against her groin, buttocks, and thighs. She got third-degree burns over 6% of her body and first to second-degree burns over 16% of her body. She had to get skin grafts, lost over twenty pounds, and spent over two weeks in the hospital. She was in real pain, and the jury was aware of it. They awarded her with 2.7 million dollars, which the judge reduced to $640,000, and Liebeck and McDonald’s eventually settled out of court for under $600,000.

But the media latched on to the $2.7 million, and so the urban legend goes that a dumb lady spilled hot coffee on herself while driving, sued, and became a millionaire. Stella Liebeck became a joke, a laughing stock, a punchline. She might have won the trial, but she lost her dignity and her reputation. You can’t believe everything that the media says. Stella Liebeck really was a victim, and in more ways than one.

Critically Rated at 15/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Compulsive Liars

Compulsive liars are people who habitually lie for no reason at all. They lie about what they do, how much they make, what they did last night. They embellish, they exaggerate, they make up things. Everybody knows a compulsive liar, where everything that they say has to be taken with a grain of salt because half the things that they say are complete bullshit. Most of the times the things that they lie about aren’t worth lying about. I know a girl that claims she was Prom Queen and Valedictorian of her high school and she brings it up fairly regularly. My cousin went to the same school as her and can verify that she was neither of those. I confronted my friend with the truth, and she denied it and called my cousin a liar and a bitch. Then I took out her high school yearbook and she had to shut up and admit defeat. I wish I could say that she learned her lesson, but she still spins tall tales and false anecdotes every single day. I can’t trust her, so I can’t be her friend. Trust is integral in any relationship. You have to be able to trust your friends, your family, your lover, your coworkers, even public servants. You want to believe what they say is true, and you’ll believe them unless you have a reason not to. And you just can’t trust compulsive liars.

Critically Rated at 4/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Accidentally Poking Yourself in the Eye

Nothing makes you feel like a winner more than accidentally poking yourself in the eye. You’ll be washing your face and your finger will slip and suddenly there’s blinding pain, a flash of white, you see stars, and your eye starts to water. Not only does it hurt, but you feel like a dumbass and you have nobody to blame but yourself. Poking yourself in the eye is unavoidable. You could go months, years, even decades without having any phalange-ocular contact but it only takes one careless second to end that streak. Everybody accidentally pokes themselves in the eye at some point, and if you haven’t done it yet, then you are long overdue. Just try not to scratch your retina with your fingernail when it finally does happen.

Critically Rated at 6/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Cinder Cone Red Ale

Cinder Cone Red Ale is a craft beer made by Bend, Oregon’s Deschutes Brewery. It pours a dark rusty red color with a thin off-white head. The nose is floral and citrus hops, toffee and caramel malts, and dark fruits. It tastes of citrus and floral hops with a little resin, bready malts, caramel, toffee, and spice. There is a lot of flavor and personality in the brew, so it’s kind of surprising when you find out that it only has a 5.3% alcohol content. It’s a great choice for when you want to enjoy a microbrew without getting too fucked up. All in all, this is one of the better red ales that I’ve experienced. I’d get it again.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Drink Token

I go to a dive bar a few times a week where the bartenders will occasionally give out drink tokens to thirsty patrons. A drink token is a token for a free drink. They might give them away during Happy Hour, for special occasions like birthdays and anniversaries, or if you gave them a particularly good tip. Drink tokens are a precious commodity, especially in a city where a beer costs five to six bucks for a pint. You could redeem it right away, but it’s better to save it for a rainy day. Sometimes you really need a drink but you don’t want to pay for one. That’s when you bust out the drink token and quench your thirst. But remember that you still have to tip even though the drink is free. A dollar or two will suffice. Just because the drink is free doesn’t mean you can be cheap.

Critically Rated at 12/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Union Jack IPA

Union Jack IPA in an American India Pale Ale from California’s Firestone Walker Brewing Company. It’s a better than average IPA that pours a nice orange-amber color with a fluffy white head and nice lacing. The aroma is tropical hops, citrus, and bready malts, but it’s muted compared to other IPAs. It tastes great. Lots of citrus hops, tropical fruit, a hint of pine, and a malty undertone. It’s sweet, it’s bitter, it’s dry, and it’s delicious. It’s pretty malty for an IPA, which gives it a lot of balance. Factor in the 7.5% ABV and you have yourself quite a brew. I would get it again, I would drink it again, and I would suggest it to anybody looking for a nice India Pale Ale or craft beer.

Critically Rated at 13/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Wearing a Band-Aid When You Don’t Need To

There’s something oddly comforting about wearing a Band-Aid when you don’t need to. Try it. Take a Band-Aid and stick it on your forehead. Notice how other people treat you. Notice how they treat you better. They assume that you’re injured and they feel bad for you. They even go out of their way to help you out. They send you sympathetic stares, they ask you questions out of concern, and they make you feel special and appreciated. All that attention is completely unwarranted, but they don’t need to know that you’re faking it. An unnecessary Band-Aid can be a fashion statement. Just look at Nelly. He’s still cool right?

Critically Rated at 13/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Ben & Jerry’s Peanut Butter Fudge Core

Ben & Jerry’s are known for their premium ice creams, and Peanut Butter Fudge Core is one of them. It’s a core of soft peanut butter fudge surrounded by chocolate and peanut butter ice creams with miniature peanut butter cups. There’s no way to describe it other than WOW!… It’s rich, creamy, smooth, chocolatey, and peanut buttery. I wouldn’t recommend it if you don’t like peanut butter or chocolate or peanut butter cups. But if it sounds appetizing at all, well, you won’t be disappointed. Ben & Jerry’s make some of my favorite ice cream flavors and this might be one of them. Try it out if you get the chance.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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A Good Day to Die Hard

Bruce Willis is back as John McClane in A Good Day to Die Hard, the fifth (and most unnecessary) entry of the Die Hard series. This time McClane is in Moscow to save his son who has been incarcerated in a Russian prison. It turns out that his son is an undercover CIA agent and McClane’s arrival has blown the mission. Needless to say, hijinks ensue. I won’t even discus the plot because the whole story is stupid. It starts stupid, it ends stupid, and everything that happens in between is stupid. The characters are stupid. The action scenes are stupid. The dialog is stupid. There is nothing good about this movie. It’s terrible and I hated every minute of it.

Die Hard is a great movie. A Good Day to Die Hard is a travesty. John McClane is boring in this film. It seems like Bruce Willis only did it for the paycheck. You can tell within the first ten minutes that it sucks, but you slog through it hoping that Bruce Willis will do something badass. He doesn’t. Jai Courtney is horribly miscast as Jack McClane. Sebastian Koch plays the villain and he pales in comparison to previous villains Alan Rickman and Jeremy Irons. Villains shouldn’t be forgettable and Koch definitely is. I’d rather stick my dick in a blender than watch this movie again.

Critically Rated at 4/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Excessive Stirring

I was lounging in the break room the other day, trying to relax before my shift started when my coworker came in with a cup of coffee. She sat down right next to me, poured some cream and sugar into her cup, and began to stir. Clink clink clink. She stirred it some more. Clink clink clink clink clink. And she stirred it some more. Clink clink clink clink clink clink clink clink clink. Clink. Clink. Clink clink clink. I glared at her and told her, “I think you got it, you can stop now.” She slowly looked at me and gave it another clink out of spite. I had to bite my lip to keep from slapping her. It was perfectly fine and evenly mixed after the first stir. There was no need for a second round of stirring, and definitely no need for a third round. There’s no excuse for excessive stirring. Not now and not ever.

Critically Rated at 6/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Oz Season 1

Oz is an HBO series created by Tom Fontana about life behind bars at the fictional Oswald State Penitentiary. It ran for six seasons from 1997 to 2003. It was a milestone in television history. It was the first hour-long HBO drama series, and opened the doors for The Sopranos, Deadwood, Game of Thrones, etc. Season 1 introduces you to the major players in Emerald City, a special unit of the prison, which was created to rehabilitate and not simply punish prisoners.

Emerald City is run by Unit Manager Tim McManus (Terry Kinney) under the supervision of Warden Leo Glynn (Ernie Hudson). You meet a few other staff members such as correctional officer Diane Whittlesey (Edie Falco), prison counselor Sister Peter Marie Reimondo (Rita Moreno), prison doctor Gloria Nathan (Lauren Vélez) and prison chaplain Father Ray Mukada (B.D. Wong). The staff struggles to suppress the rising tensions of the inmates to avoid an imminent riot.

Emerald City is controlled by the staff of Oz, but the inmates run the show. Each episode is narrated by paralyzed inmate Augustus Hill (Harold Perrineau). He talks about the themes and issues of each episode, and he is often neutral and the voice of reason in a chaotic place. The stability of Emerald City is rocked by the arrival of Kareem Saïd, a devout Muslim and political activist who immediately assumes a position of power amongst the inmates. He becomes the unofficial leader of the inmates, and that causes some rival inmates to forge an unsteady alliance. There is an awful lot of politicking and shady deals between the Mafia, the Aryan Brotherhood, the Homeboys, the Irish, the Bikers, the outcasts, and the Muslims as each group attempts to gain more power and control.

New inmate Tobias Beecher (Lee Tergesen) is perhaps the most relatable character on the show. He was a successful lawyer that was convicted of a DUI and sent to a maximum security prison. He has no street skills and doesn’t know how to handle life in prison. Consequently he ends up being the property of Vernon Schillinger (J.K. Simmons), leader of the Aryan Brotherhood. Beecher becomes a bitch. And you don’t want to be a bitch in Oz. Beecher must adapt or die, and he slowly grows a pair of balls and transforms himself into a badass.

Season 1 is all about struggle. The inmates struggle for power and respect. The staff struggles to keep control. Everyone struggles for survival. Oz is a realistic show. It almost feels like you are watching a documentary. It makes you grateful that you aren’t behind bars. It makes you relieved that you don’t work at a prison. But it’s relatable. There are a few characters that you see yourself in. It scares you a little bit, but it compels you to keep watching more. Oz is a few years old now, but it’s still relevant. Good storytelling never goes out of style.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Toilet Paper Ply

Shit happens. And you need toilet paper when it does. But not just any toilet paper will suffice. You need to know which toilet paper ply to use. There are three types. There is one-ply (sometimes called single-ply), there is two-ply, and there is three-ply toilet paper. One-ply is a single layer of toilet paper. It’s rough and course, and it may cause anal bleeding. Two-ply is two layers of toilet paper. It’s softer, smoother, and more absorbent, and it is the most common type of T.P. Three-ply is three layers of toilet paper. It is really soft, the most absorbent and it feels like you’re wiping your ass with a cloud, but it’s the most wasteful by far. Everybody has a preference for toilet paper. I happen to be a two-ply guy myself. I have a frugal friend who prefers one-ply. He has the habit of converting double-ply into single-ply to make it last twice as long. I think he’s crazy, he thinks he’s thrifty.

Critically Rated at 13/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Cell Phone Wallet Case

A cell phone wallet case is exactly what it sounds like. It’s cell phone case that doubles as a wallet (or maybe it’s a wallet that doubles as a cell phone case). It sounds like a convenient way to keep organized, but it’s a terrible idea. It makes it way to easy to lose all your valuables in one fell swoop. Cell phone wallet cases are an invitation to thieves. You only have to turn your back for one second to have someone snatch your phone, cash, driver’s license, credit cards, baby pictures, and Jamba Juice 2-for1 coupon. And you were only one punch away from a free burrito too. Now you have to call the bank to cancel your cards and that’s hard to do when you have no phone. So you have to get a new phone and that’s hard to do when you have no money. Then you have to go to the DMV to get a new license and wait in line for half a day, kicking and cursing yourself the whole time for getting that damn cell phone wallet case.

Critically Rated at 5/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Movie Tickets Should Cost Five Bucks

I used to love going to the movie theater as a kid. I probably saw about twenty to twenty-five movies at the cinema a year. Now I probably go about four or five times a year. It’s not worth going anymore. Going to the movies is an experience that illegal streaming can’t compete with, but Hollywood has gotten too damn lazy and everything else is too damn expensive. I live in a city where movie tickets cost fifteen to twenty bucks and popcorn and a soda costs another ten bucks. You end up paying thirty bucks to watch a shitty movie that you could have watched for free online. That’s the problem, but I have a solution. Make all the tickets five bucks. I’d be a lot more willing to see a movie, any movie, if it only cost five bucks. And I would go to the movies a lot more often. These days fewer and fewer people are going to the movies, so Hollywood keeps raising ticket prices to maintain a profit. They will keep raising prices, causing even fewer people to go. That’s a business plan that can’t succeed. Five-dollar tickets seems like an easy fix.

Critically Rated at 12/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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Lou Diamond Phillips

Lou Diamond Phillips is an actor best known for playing Ritchie Valens in La Bamba. He was a pretty good actor and it seemed like he was poised to become a movie star. But it didn’t really happen. His career kind of fizzled out. He kept finding work, but he went from staring in movies to costarring, and his movies kept getting worse and worse. He started becoming more of a television actor, and he even had to resort to reality show appearances a few times. He was once Lou Diamond Phillips, Movie Star. Now he’s Lou Diamond Phillips, That Guy. Whenever you see him pop up in a TV show or movie, you’re kind of like Oh yeah, him. He’s still alive. Good for him, and then you go back to forgetting about him. I don’t really feel too bad for him, but I would buy him a pity beer for sure if I ever met him.

Critically Rated at 8/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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