Monthly Archives: February 2014

February 11, 2014 · 11:58 am

The Sochi Winter Games

I love the Olympics, but the Sochi Winter Games are a joke. First off, the Winter Games pale in comparison to the Summer Games. The Summer Games have all the great events: swimming, gymnastics, track and field, basketball, wrestling, etc. The Winter Games have skiing, snowboarding, and curling. That’s pretty much it. The Winter Games are the neglected younger sibling of the Olympics. We give them a little attention, but nobody really cares. The Sochi Winter Games are a travesty, a cover-up for blatant government corruption. Russia has spent over fifty billion dollars on the games, but there is very little to show for it. Almost everything is incomplete and unfinished, from hotel rooms to event venues. Just ask Shaun White how he feels about the Sochi conditions. The Games have taken a backseat to spectacle of the unfinished construction work. I don’t know which country is winning the medal count, but I know that a bobsledder had to break down a bathroom door and then he got stuck in an elevator. This isn’t the Olympic Games, it’s the Vladimir Putin Show and I want to change the channel.

Critically Rated at 3/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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February 11, 2014 · 11:53 am

Matt’s Burning Rosids

Matt’s Burning Rosids is a Saison/Farmhouse Ale from Stone Brewing Co. It’s called Matt’s Burning Rosids in honor of Matt Courtright, who worked at Stone Brewing who passed away in 2013. This beer is brewed in his memory and uses his recipe. They encourage you to drink it to celebrate life and laughter and good friends. I think I will take them up on that. This is a great craft beer, brewed with cherrywood-smoked malt, which lends it a slightly woody and sweet malty aroma with scents of banana, cloves, and spice. I can taste bitter hops, bananas, cloves, smoke, wood, citrus, pepper, and spice. It has a 10.5% ABV, which is pretty impressive because the beer doesn’t taste boozy. It’s not the best beer I’ve had, but it’s one of the most interesting beers I’ve had. It’s best enjoyed inside on a cold rainy day.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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February 10, 2014 · 12:18 pm

Uneven Drawstrings

I’m wearing a hoodie with uneven drawstrings and it’s driving me crazy. The left side is about an inch higher than the right side, so I will tug on the string to try and even it out, and then the right side will end up being higher than the left side. So then I tug on the right side and then the left side ends up higher than the right side. The more I try to fix it, the worse it gets. I’ve been playing with my drawstrings for about five minutes now and I’m starting to get frustrated. I’ll put on my hood, pull on a drawstring and scrunch up my hood while pulling on the other drawstring to balance it out. But it’s not working. I will get them to be almost even, but they still aren’t satisfactory, so I just keeping pulling and tugging and trying to even them out. Another few minutes of this drawstring purgatory and I will bust out the scissors and snip away my problems. In the meantime I will blog about uneven drawstrings.

Critically Rated at 5/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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February 10, 2014 · 12:16 pm

Based On A True Story

Films are fantasy, not facts. You should be weary of any movie that claims to be based on a true story. It just means that something similar happened in real life once upon a time. Cool Runnings is based on a true story in that there was actually a Jamaican bobsled team, but most of the events in the film are completely fabricated or totally skewed. The Exorcist is supposedly based on a true story, but I haven’t seen anybody capable of twisting their head around 360 degrees or spider-walking downstairs lately. You should watch a fucking documentary if you want to see a film that really is based on a true story, but even then you have to remember that there are two sides to every story and Michael Moore only gives you one. Anything that claims to be based on a true story is a lie, history included. There is no truth in a story, that’s why it’s called a story. It’s made up, it’s a fabrication, it’s a lie.

Critically Rated at 4/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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February 9, 2014 · 1:10 pm

Bike Messengers

Sometimes you need to send a package across the city and FedEx and UPS aren’t fast enough. That’s when you need a bike messenger. A bike messenger is fearless. He or she will take your package/documents/illegal drugs across town during rush hour, weaving in and out of traffic, dodging cars and pedestrians and suddenly opening doors. They fly down hills, they ride on curbs, they yell at taxi drivers blocking the bike lane, and they mockingly bark back at angry dogs. Bike messengers have an exhilarating, fast-paced job that doesn’t pay well or provide a lot of benefits, but it seems to be a lifestyle unto its own. They have their own culture, their own lingo, and they even have their own movie starring Joseph Gordon-Levitt. I haven’t seen Premium Rush, but I’m sure some people have and that most of them are probably bike messengers.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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February 9, 2014 · 1:08 pm

Putting Your Phone In the Wrong Pocket

Most guys have a designated pocket for their cellphones. That way you just need to pat one pocket quickly to make sure you still have your phone. But every once in a while you will put your phone in a different pocket and then you’ll momentarily freak out when you check for your phone and it’s not there. You’ll think that you left it behind somewhere, or maybe someone stole it, or maybe you dropped it without realizing it. And then you do a quick pat down and find it in your sweatshirt pocket. Putting your phone in the wrong pocket makes you feel like a victim and a dumbass at the same time, like you pranked yourself. I hate pranking myself. A self-destructive prank war is never a good thing.

Critically Rated at 6/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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February 8, 2014 · 8:53 am

Anansi Boys (book)

Anansi Boys is a 2005 fantasy novel by Neil Gaiman. It is a sequel of sorts to American Gods, but it’s more of a connection than a continuation. American Gods has a character named Mr. Nancy and Anansi Boys is about Mr. Nancy’s two sons. The main character is Charles Nancy, who given the terrible nickname of Fat Charlie by his father. Fat Charlie grew up resenting his father and has willingly lost contact with him. One day he finds out that his father is dead and that Fat Charlie has a brother. Fat Charlie is shocked to learn that his father was actually a god named Anansi, a spider-like trickster and a storyteller. Fat Charlie also finds out that his long lost brother is also a god named Spider. Fat Charlie and Spider have a mini family reunion, but Spider quickly disrupts Fat Charlie’s life and nothing will ever be the same again.

Fat Charlie makes a shady pact with another god in order to get Spider out of his life once and for all. But that deal backfires and sets the plot in motion. Fat Charlie learns about gods and the family business and the power of stories. I don’t even want to go into any more details than that because this novel takes you places that you didn’t think you were going to. All I can say is that Neil Gaiman has a way of making the fantastic seem completely plausible and that Anansi Boys will blow your mind.

It’s not as good as American Gods. But if you liked American Gods, you’ll still enjoy Anansi Boys. If you’ve never read either, start with Anansi Boys because it will whet your appetite. Every character, every paragraph, every line has a meaning and a purpose. You can’t read a Neil Gaiman book once. You might appreciate it after one reading, but you won’t understand it until you reread it.  You should probably read it at least three times to pick up all the nuances and subtle uses of foreshadowing. This is a great book and another triumph from Neil Gaiman.

Critically Rated at 15/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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February 8, 2014 · 8:52 am

Skittles Desserts

It’s always a good day when you discover a new type of Skittles. Yesterday I discovered Skittles Desserts and my life is a little bit better now. Skittles Desserts have intriguing flavors like Key Lime Pie, Orange Créme, Raspberry Sorbet, Strawberry Milkshake, and Blueberry Tart. Key Lime Pie tastes kind of limey, but not key lime pie-y. Orange Créme tastes like orange crème. Strawberry Milkshake tastes like strawberries and cream. Raspberry Sorbet is sweet, sour, delicious, and the best flavor in the pack. Blueberry Tart definitely tastes like blueberries. All in all, Skittles Desserts is a pretty solid offering and it will satisfy your sweet tooth. It’s not the best type of Skittles but it’s not the worst. Try them. You might just find that you have a new favorite candy.

Critically Rated at 13/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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February 7, 2014 · 9:56 am

Equilibrium (film)

Equilibrium is a 2002 sci-fi about a dystopian society written and directed by Kurt Wimmer. It’s kind of like 1984 meets The Matrix, except 1984 and The Matrix are solid works of art and Equilibrium is a terrible movie. In the future, human emotion has been made illegal, and all the citizens of Libria are forced to take Prozium to suppress any feelings.  Christian Bale stars as John Preston, a Cleric (a cop/warrior-priest) who works for the oppressive government by tracking down and destroying anything that has artistic or emotional value. One day Preston stops taking his Prozium. He starts experiencing emotions for the first time, a dangerous thing when you can be killed for any form of Sense Offense. He starts to sympathize with the Underground, a group of rebels trying to overthrow the government.

His Cleric partner, Brandt (played by Taye Diggs) starts to become suspicious of Preston, and so Preston must suppress his emotions to avoid suspicion while simultaneously trying to undermine Father, the leader of Libria. Along the way, Preston falls in love with another Sense Offender who has been sentenced to death, he must deal with his creepy kids, and he also adopts a puppy for some reason.

I really enjoyed this movie the first time that I watched it. I thought it was a dark and gritty depiction of the future, I thought that the action scenes were cool, and I thought that the film had a lot of deep themes, which would add to its longevity. And when I watch it now, I can’t help but cringe. It doesn’t stand up. It’s a cheesy, poorly directed film that would not be out of place as Sci-Fi Channel movie of the week. The first act of the movie does a decent job setting everything up, but everything after the second act seems rushed and forced. And that whole adopting the puppy plotline really drags everything down. I know that they were trying to convey Preston’s changing emotional state, but a heartfelt bonding moment with a widdle-bitty puppy is extremely cheesy and out of place in a film that’s trying to be dark and edgy. Sean Bean is in this movie too. He dies. That’s not a spoiler. He dies in everything.

Critically Rated at 7/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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February 7, 2014 · 9:54 am

Too Good to Eat

I work in a restaurant so I’m well aware that food presentation is important. You could have made the best dish of all time, but nobody will eat it if it looks like a pile of shit. And something that tastes mediocre will taste better if it looks appetizing. But sometimes things are simply too good to eat. Case in point: a family friend made a cake for my sister’s baby shower. The cake looked like an elephant. It had gray frosting and its trunk and ears were made out of marshmallow treats. Everybody was impressed with it, everyone was taking pictures of it and posting it on Facebook and Instagram. When it finally became time to cut the cake, nobody wanted to do it. It would have been like burning a painting and nobody wants to destroy art. The cake literally was too good to eat. Someone eventually caved in and cut it, plopped some cake on a plate and handed it to me. It was no longer an elephant. It was just a slice of gray cake. It tasted good, but it was even better when it was still an intact culinary creation. Some things that are too good to eat really are too good to eat.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young1517593_10151811024085882_1542971137_n

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February 6, 2014 · 12:44 pm

When the Bus Drives By

I got off work late the other night and all I wanted to do was catch the first bus home and call it a night. I got to the bus stop, checked by bus schedule app, and knew that there would be a bus coming along within the next two minutes. Sure enough, two minutes went by and I saw my bus approaching. It came closer and closer, it started to slow down and then it kept driving right past me without stopping. The driver was going just slow enough to show the few passengers and the many empty seats through the windows. The driver wanted me to know that he wasn’t going to stop. I imagine he was watching my crestfallen face in his rearview mirror as he laughed and laughed as he drove on down the road. I felt betrayed. I felt hurt. I felt invalid. Nothing makes you feel as unwanted as when the bus drives by. You feel invisible, like a ghost, like you don’t exist.  And then you get angry and flip off the bus driver and silently curse him because that’s all you can do. Then you wait for the next bus.

Critically Rated at 2/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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February 6, 2014 · 12:40 pm

Putting Your Trash Next To The Garbage Can But Not In It

There’s some asshole/idiot that I work with that doesn’t know how garbage cans work. He knows what they are for, but he doesn’t know how to use them properly. I know this because he has a habit of bringing his trash to the garbage can, but he leaves it on the floor beside it for somebody else to put it in. It’s very weird. He will take the time to pick up his trash, he will carry it all the way to the garbage can, and then he won’t take the extra half-second or so to throw it away himself. Putting your trash next to the garbage can but not in it is a glorious way of littering. You’re not making the world a better place. You’re just pissing people off and somebody might write a blog post about how much of a lazy dickhole you are. Either clean up after yourself or don’t. There’s no need to pretend you’re not a litterbug.

Critically Rated at 4/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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February 5, 2014 · 12:09 pm

Dead Trigger 2 (game)

Dead Trigger 2 is a free game developed and published by Madfinger Games. It’s available for iOS and Android, so if you have a smart phone or a tablet this is a pretty solid game to download. It’s a first-person shooter game with zombies and pretty decent graphics, especially for a free game. It’s free to play, but you can also pay to progress through the game faster.  You complete various missions and build up your arsenal and upgrade your weapons. There are different types of zombies and different game scenarios and you never know what is lurking around the next corner. It’s one of the best free games that I’ve ever played and a great way to prepare for the inevitable zombie apocalypse. Check it out, especially if you have an iPad and want to show it off.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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February 5, 2014 · 12:05 pm

Worthington’s Red Shield (beer)

One of the perks of being a beer guy is discovering a new beer. I went to my local liquor store the other day and the clerk told me to try a bottle of Worthington’s Red Shield. It’s an English Pale Ale/Blond Ale from England. It’s a nice golden color with a mild amount of carbonation. It has a bready malt aroma primarily with hints of grass, earth, caramel, and toffee. It tastes like it smells, it’s malty with some earth tones and a little bit of caramel and grains. It’s kind of bland, but in a crisp and refreshing way. It still has more flavor than Budweiser and other domestics. It only has an alcohol content of 4.2%, which makes it a great beer for day drinking. I would get this beer again, but I wouldn’t go to England to get it.

Critically Rated at 12/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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February 4, 2014 · 11:10 am

Hats with Ears

I saw a baby with a knit cap the other day. The knit cap was designed to look like a monkey. It was brown with two little monkey ears. It made the baby look like a little monkey. It was very cute and adorable and even people who don’t particularly like babies would have liked this baby. Later on I saw a girl in her twenties wearing a knit cap. Her knit cap was designed to look like a giraffe. It was brown with a giraffe skin pattern and it was adorned with two little giraffe ears. It made the girl look like a fucking giraffe. It was not cute, it was not adorable, and even people who don’t particularly hate giraffes would have hated this girl. My point is that hats with ears are a tricky fashion item. It’s cute if you’re a kid, and it’s especially endearing if you’re a baby. But if you’re old enough to drink in a bar, you might want to rethink looking like a stuffed animal in public. There’s something weird about pretending to be a cuddly creature. I like in San Francisco and I see crazy shit on a regular basis, but I draw the line at furries. That shit weirds me out. Anthropomorphic animals just aren’t my bag. I will stage an intervention for anybody I care about who wears a hat with ears. Alcohol, drugs, gambling… those are all tolerable bad habits, but there’s no excuse for wearing hats with ears.

Critically Rated at 4/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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February 4, 2014 · 11:06 am

Bahaha

So apparently bahaha is the new, cool way to show that you’re laughing when you’re online or texting. Hahaha wasn’t quite getting the point across, so the hipsters went ahead and changed it to bahaha. I don’t like it. It seems like an unnecessary change. Hahaha is an example of onomatopoeia, it’s the sound of laughter spelled out. I’ve never heard anybody laugh out lout with a B sound. Bahaha isn’t a natural spelling of human laughter. It’s more reminiscent of a cackling chicken. I don’t like bahaha. I refuse to convert. I will stick to the more traditional hahaha or LOL. If it’s not broken, don’t fix it.

Critically Rated at 3/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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February 3, 2014 · 9:04 am

Setting Off Your Own Car Alarm

It’s the middle of the night and you wake up from your deep slumber because there’s a car alarm blaring outside. You try to shut it out, but you can’t ignore it and you wonder whose fucking car alarm is going off and you wonder why that mother fucker isn’t doing anything about it. Then you realize that it’s your car and that you are that mother fucker. Setting off your own car alarm is one of the worst feelings in the world. You feel an instant pang of regret as something so mundane starts to backfire on you. It’s like when you flush the toilet and the water starts to rise. It’s not your fault, but everybody is going to blame you regardless. All you can do is apologize profusely but nobody will care. You’re the villain, you’re the asshole, and you have to accept that. You might not have meant to set it off, but you did, and you have to take responsibility for it. Hopefully you’re not taking responsibility at four in the morning.

Critically Rated at 4/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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