Monthly Archives: December 2013

December 14, 2013 · 8:30 am

Trading Lunch Items

Trading lunch items is a common practice in elementary school cafeterias around the world. The goal is simple: you want to swap your food for something more desirable. It’s best to find someone who has conflicting tastes with you. If you like sweet things and Jimmy likes salty things, then you should give him your Goldfish crackers for a pack of Gushers. He’s happy, you’re happy, and everybody wins. Some kids are really good at trading lunch items. They learn other people’s tastes and preferences and exploit them. They get rid of a slightly bruised apple and get pretzels in return. They can swap those pretzels for a juice box, and then get two bananas in exchange. They know that Billy’s mom is lazy and only buys Lunchables so he would gladly give it away for two bananas. And once you have a Lunchable you control the negotiations.

Critically Rated at 15/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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December 14, 2013 · 8:27 am

Counting Sheep

You have a big day tomorrow and you need to get a good night’s sleep, but your mind is racing and falling asleep seems impossible. You start thinking about how you can’t sleep, and that stresses you out even more so you become even more restless. That’s when you need to distract yourself and start counting sheep. You imagine a bunch on sheep jumping over a fence one at a time and count how many sheep jump over the fence. It doesn’t matter what’s on the other side of the fence, and you don’t need to know why they are even jumping over the fence in the first place. Just count how many sheep jump over the fence. It will calm you down and you’ll gradually start drifting off to sleep. It might take a while. There have been nights where I’ve counted over two thousand sheep. That’s a lot of lamb chops. But I’ve always fallen asleep eventually. Just keep counting sheep until you run out of them. Nobody is quite sure how tallying livestock cures insomnia, but it really does help.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

 

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December 13, 2013 · 10:00 am

Fist Bump

A fist bump (or pound) is a more casual and cooler way to shake hands. You ball your hand into a fist, extend your arm, and lightly tap your knuckles against the other person’s knuckles. You don’t have to be gentle about it, but you don’t have to punch the other person. You’re not playing Bloody Knuckles. You can use the fist bump as a greeting, in lieu of a celebratory high five, and/or as a casual goodbye when someone is leaving. Fist bumps have a few benefits over a high five or handshake. For starters, it doesn’t matter which fist you use unlike with a high five or handshake. It’s virtually impossible to have an awkward fist bump. Everyone’s had an awkward handshake or high five before. Fist bumps are much easier and harder to fuck up on. You also make less surface contact with the other person’s skin, so you don’t have to worry about sweaty palms or clammy hands. And fist bumps are also more sanitary so you don’t have to stress about germs, bacteria, or if they washed their hands when they went to the bathroom.

Critically Rated at 15/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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December 13, 2013 · 9:57 am

The Metamorphosis (novella)

The Metamorphosis is a short story by Franz Kafka about a guy who wakes up and discovers that he’s transformed in a giant insect. You never find out how or why Gregor Samsa becomes a giant bug, he just wakes up in a different body. The story is about his attempted adjustment from being his family’s financial provider to being a cockroach. He becomes a burden on his family, slowly draining them financially and emotionally. They are disgusted and repulsed by him, and they end up resenting him. They end up despising him. And they don’t hide it either.

The Metamorphosis isn’t about a guy changing into a bug; it’s about change itself. It’s about a guy realizing that his life will never be the same again and having to deal with it. It’s about a family rejecting one of their own because he’s no longer useful. Kafka published this novella back in 1915 and it’s still an important, intriguing, and relevant work of literature to this day. I once had to buy it for a college class, and it was so good that I didn’t sell it back to the campus bookstore. I could have used that money to buy beer and Top Ramen, but I chose to expand my library instead.

Critically Rated at 15/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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December 12, 2013 · 9:48 am

Tandem Bike

A tandem bike is a bike that is designed to be ridden by two or more people. Most tandem bikes are for two riders, but the world record holder fits thirty-five people. That’s a lot of hippies. Seating is an important consideration when riding on a tandem bike. You should always try to sit in the back. The person in the front seat has to steer and peddle continuously. If you’re in the second seat, you can stop peddling once you get enough momentum. As long as the person in front doesn’t notice, you’re free to relax and enjoy the scenery. Every now and then you will see a guy riding a tandem bike by himself. He is either the loneliest person on the planet or his friend fell off. It doesn’t matter which one it is, you’re still required to point a finger and make fun of him.

Critically Rated at 11/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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December 12, 2013 · 9:45 am

Douche

Douche is a great word. A douche is either a feminine hygienic product, an effective insult, or a sound effect. A douche is a device that women use them to flush out and rinse their vaginas, which helps get rid of bacteria and unwanted odors. Douche has also become a slang word for an arrogant motherfucker. You can say douche bag for more emphasis if they are really being obnoxious. For some reason, adding bag to it makes it sound harsher. Douche is also a great sound effect for play fighting. Throw a slow motion uppercut at your friend and say Douche! when you make contact. Bam! Douche! Pow! See how satisfying that is? And it sounds natural. Douche is a powerful word. Use it wisely.

Critically Rated at 13/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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December 11, 2013 · 3:29 pm

Drake’s Denogginizer

Drake’s Denogginizer is an Imperial IPA from Drake’s Brewing Company in San Leandro, CA. It’s a well rounded India Pale Ale with a nice citrus hop aroma. I get whiffs of lemon, grapefruit, and orange peel, as well as rich caramel malts and pine resin. It explodes on your tongue with pine and citrus hops with a nice bready malt backbone. I can taste a little caramel and fruity sweetness as well, but it’s a primarily a bitter, hoppy beer. It has a relatively hefty alcohol content of 9.75%, so you only need a few bottles to feel good enough to take on the world. It’s a good beer, but the label is kind of frustrating because it’s so chaotic. It’s jumbled and convoluted and an eyesore. Your label should be simple and easy to read because you want people to know the name of your product. You lose points for making me think. I don’t want to think. I just want a fucking beer.

Critically Rated at 12/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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December 11, 2013 · 8:51 am

Cold Snap

A cold snap is what old folks call it when the weather is really cold for a prolonged period of time. Younger people usually say that it’s cold as Hell, even though that doesn’t make any sense if you think about it. San Francisco is in the middle of a cold snap right now, and even though it’s not technically freezing, it’s still colder than anyone would like it to be. An unfortunate few have succumbed to the cold. The cold weather is an annoyance to some, but it’s a life or death situation for a lot of homeless people. We are lucky enough to be able to turn on the heater or put on another sweater. Some people don’t have that option. Don’t take that shit for granted.

Critically Rated at 6/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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December 10, 2013 · 11:01 am

Kill Switch

A kill switch is a safety mechanism that is used to shut down a device in an emergency situation. If you’re using a circular saw to cut wood and your arm gets stuck in the path of the blade, flicking the kill switch will probably save your life. You find kill switches mostly on mechanical and electrical equipment, but humans can have kill switches too. I have a coworker who gets a little rowdy from time to time, but I discovered a phrase that acts like a kill switch. Whenever he’s getting too annoying, I’ll say “anus mucus” and he will instantly shut up and calm down. It works every single time. It makes me wonder if other people have a kill switch or some phrase that I can exploit to make them compliant to my will. Not every kill switch is as effective as “anus mucus” though.

Critically Rated at 13/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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December 10, 2013 · 10:59 am

The Heimlich Maneuver

The Heimlich maneuver is a technique used to help somebody who is choking. You’ve seen it a thousand times on TV shows and in movies, and maybe you’ve even seen it in real life. It’s not the recommended way to stop choking anymore because it can cause abdominal bruising, but it’s still an effective way to save a life. I personally would prefer a bruised abdomen over not being alive anymore. The Heimlich maneuver is simple to learn and easy to mimic. It seems like every few months you will hear about some elementary school kid saving a classmate with the Heimlich maneuver. They always say they learned it from watching cartoons. TV saves lives, there’s no denying it.

Critically Rated at 15/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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December 9, 2013 · 12:20 pm

Accidently Hitting the Eject Button on the Keyboard

I have a MacBook Pro that I use all the time. It’s a great computer, I love it, and I use it all the time. My only complaint about it is that the eject button is right above the delete key. I don’t know how many times I’ve hit the eject button by mistake. I do it all the time. It drives me crazy. I’ll be in the writer’s zone, where all the words just spill from your fingers onto the screen, and my pinky will slip while I’m trying to do a quick edit, ejecting whatever DVD is in in the disc drive and causing me to lose my train of thought. Then I have the option of putting the DVD back where it belongs or reinserting it back in. I usually put it back in, and then I have to wait for the DVD to load so I can quit the DVD player so I can get back to work. It only takes about a minute, but that’s a minute that I can never get back. Accidently hitting the eject button on the keyboard won’t kill you, but it takes a little of your life away each time.

Critically Rated at 6/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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December 9, 2013 · 12:17 pm

Nineteen Eighty-Four (book)

Nineteen Eighty-Four is one of the most important novels of all time. George Orwell’s classic story is about one man’s quiet rebellion against an oppressive society. Winston Smith is a citizen of Oceania, one of three global superstates engaged in a never-ending war. Oceania is a fascist and totalitarian society ruled by the Party. Big Brother is the enigmatic mustached leader of the Party, and he is watching you. Anything that you say or do that goes against the Party makes you an enemy of the Party. Even the thought itself is a crime.

Winston works at the Ministry of Truth, where he spends his days revising and editing historical records so that they comply with the Party’s version of events. He has no family or friends, just acquaintances in the form of neighbors and coworkers. He passes the time by drinking gin, smoking cigarettes, and trying to hide his hatred for Big Brother. He wants to rebel, but he doesn’t know how. But his life changes when a young woman takes a chance and confesses her love for him. They begin a secret love affair, each one knowing that it’s a death sentence.

This is a very political book. It’s about power and control, oppression and suppression. It was written in 1948 and published in 1949, back when 1984 was still a futuristic fantasy. 1984 came and went almost thirty years ago, but it still seems like it could happen. George Orwell may have a bleak view of the world but that doesn’t mean he’s not right about it. Good literature can change the way you view the world. This novel is proof.

Critically Rated 16/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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December 8, 2013 · 11:41 am

Table Snatchers

If you are a server/waiter, table snatchers should be one of your biggest pet peeves. A table snatcher is a coworker who steals one of the tables in your section. You’ll notice that you got sat, you’ll go over and greet the table, and they’ll tell you that somebody already took their order. You’ll be confused for a minute, wondering if this is really your table or if one of the managers took their order. Then you see your sleazy coworker bringing drinks out to the table, the same coworker who always tries to steal your tables. You call her out on it and she plays dumb, pretending like she didn’t know which tables were in her section. You know that she knows and she knows that you know that she knows, but she still acts like it was an innocent mistake and she offers you a shitty table in her section as compensation. Don’t take the table. It’s better to be mad. Table snatchers are dirty, rotten thieves that try to steal your customers and your tips while feigning ignorance. Fuck that, and fuck them. Don’t fuck around with my money.

Critically Rated at 3/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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December 8, 2013 · 11:30 am

Heroine India Pale Ale

Heroine India Pale Ale is an IPA from Petaluma, California’s 101 North Brewing Company. This is a pretty standard IPA with a nice malty aroma with resin, pine, floral, and citrus hops. It has a nice bitter taste. It has a good balance between toasted and caramel malts and pine and citrus hops. It vaguely reminds me of a red ale. It’s very drinkable and goes down creamy and smooth. The 7.2% ABV isn’t too impressive, but it will sneak up on you. All in all, it’s a typical IPA but the label art makes it stand out. There’s a picture of a sexy, athletic chick that has a little bit of a Jean Grey/Dark Phoenix thing going on. It’s eye-catching. People will notice it in your hand and ask you what you are drinking. I’ve already had a few people approach me out of curiosity to see what I’m sipping on and I just cracked it a few minutes ago. It’s not the best IPA, but it’s solid and satisfying and makes you look cool. What more do you need?

Critically Rated at 13/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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December 7, 2013 · 8:45 am

There’s No Universe Hall of Fame

I was having a philosophical discussion with my coworker in the break room a few days ago. We were talking about the meaning of life and about how selfish people don’t realize how insignificant they are. I used a Carl Sagan quote to get my point across: “The Earth is a very small stage in a vast cosmic arena. Think of the rivers of blood spilled by all those generals and emperors so that, in glory and triumph, they could become the momentary masters of a fraction of a dot.” My coworker nodded in agreement and expanded upon that idea. “Those assholes are wasting their time,” he said. “There’s no Universe Hall of Fame. Give it enough time and nobody’s going to care, and nobody’s even going to remember.”

That blew my mind. It’s such a simple and obvious fact. There is no Universe Hall of Fame. And even if there were, humans wouldn’t be in it. We are terrible creatures. We are parasites. We move into an area, use up all the resources, and move on. But whatever, I digress… You might be able to change the world, but that won’t have any affect on the universe whatsoever. That might sound depressing, but it’s incredibly freeing. Your life is your life, so live it your way. Don’t worry about what everyone else is doing, don’t compare yourself to them, and don’t rate people. They aren’t going into the Universe Hall of Fame either.

Critically Rated at 15/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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December 7, 2013 · 8:43 am

Weihenstephaner Vitus

Weihenstephaner Vitus is a weizenbock from Germany’s Bayerische Staatsbrauerei Weihenstephan. Weihenstephan was founded in 1040, and they claim to be the World’s Oldest Brewery. Weihenstephaner Vitus is one of their flagship beers, and for good reason. This is one of the best wheat beers I’ve ever had. It has a rich banana aroma complimented by citric, coriander, and spice notes that tantalize your nose. It tastes like it smells. I get hints of banana, cloves, citrus, wheat, coriander, and sweetness. It has a 7.7% ABV, which is higher than I expected. You can’t even taste the alcohol. This is a very satisfying beer, perfect for cold December nights like this one. I would get it again, but I need to learn how to pronounce it first.

Critically Rated at 14/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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December 6, 2013 · 8:57 am

Facebook Poke

I don’t understand Facebook’s Poke option. I went to my friend’s profile and I poked her. She poked me back a few hours later. I don’t know what to do now. Do I poke her again? Should I call her or text her now? Should I leave a comment on her wall? I don’t want to seem desperate. Are you even supposed to poke your friends? Or are you just supposed to poke girls you want to hook up with? All I know is that I don’t want to poke my grandma. The Facebook Poke might be the most unnecessary feature in all of social media. What’s the point of a virtual poke? Poking is one of the most annoying things to do in real life. Every time you physically poke somebody, they get mad and tell you to stop poking them. Nobody likes to be poked, online or off.

Critically Rated at 7/17

Written, Rated, and Reviewed by Brendan H. Young

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